Limbo Land

Well, I'm bouncing between being in complete denial of this pregnancy, to wanting to tell the world. Denial wins most of the time. I had lunch with a friend who is eight weeks pregnant, with her first. For some reason, I was a little mad at her. I think I am jealous that she is completely unafraid, rambling on about what kind of car to get that will support a car seat (I wanted to scream at her, “You are only eight weeks along! Save the drama for later!”), telling us that she has been wearing maternity clothes for two weeks already – I wasn’t wearing them when I miscarried last time, at 15 weeks. I feel like a terrible person, I want to be happy for her, and join in her silliness, but I just have to fake it right now. I had a little spotting last Thursday, and that REALLY sent me into some kind of bitter denial phase. It stopped, and I had no cramping, but it really brought me even more to reality that anything could go wrong at any time. But, there are people, like my friend, who will go through the whole thing blissfully and have no complications. And I’m happy for her, really. At least I want to be.

I go between not being able to wait until my appointment, to thinking I don’t EVER want to go. I watched Studio 60 last night, they showed her going into an appointment and having an ultrasound, and I had to make myself slow my breathing. I was actually panting with anxiety. I definitely felt then that I would like to just wait 9 months and see what comes out. But I do want to know if this is an actual baby, rather than a molar pregnancy, or blighted ovum, or at least sometimes I do. Just now I started thinking about it, and I felt my heart start to race.

Husband doesn’t want me to ride my horse on the trail anymore, which is not good. I understand his point, but because of the weather, I haven’t been trail riding in two or three weeks! The horse coughs when I ride him in an arena, so I’m limited to the polo field or the trail. I’ll have to see how I feel when I ride him again. I wasn’t allowed to last weekend because of the spotting, and also we had some people visiting. One of these people is a very good friend, but it really bugs me when she says, “Oh, you can get in the hot spring, you’ll be fine”, and “you can ski, why do you worry about it?” which is easy for her to say, since she has a healthy 2 and a half year old. It ticks me off when she acts like I’m being a wimp for trying to help this thing survive.

I know I should try and take this thing one day at a time. And I’ve been doing pretty well. For some reason, today, I cannot focus on my work. For one thing, it is Christmas! And I just don’t want to work, I wish I could take some vacation time, but I don’t want to, just in case I do actually have a baby, so I can have 6 weeks leave. Welcome to the world of limbo. Get used to it.

Morning Sickness, anyone?

So, I was definitely nauseated this morning, not something I really experienced with the last one. I wish that was a good sign, that this one is different and better somehow, but I really know that it doesn't signify anything. I am finding that if I keep something on my stomach, it seems to dissipate-- which is great, now I have an excuse for nonstop eating!

I've already gone and screwed up my plan of not telling anyone, I told my Dad yesterday. I won't let anyone congratulate me though. He tried, and I said "you can congratulate me when I deliver a healthy baby". I hope I can stick to that. Husband and I were discussing this, and if something happens early on, we'll try again. If it goes as far as last time, forget it. I'm really hoping I can stick to the attitude of what happens, happens. I used to feel that I HAD to worry before an appointment, or something would go wrong. I realize now that no matter how much I worry, if it is going to die, it will die, and conversely, if it will live, it will live! Personally, I'm voting for the latter.

Still pregnant, at least for today!

If only I had a parachute...

Well, I'm pregnant again. After only one month of trying!! Pretty incredible. I told myself I was going to wait until I was three months late to take another test, but I gave in on Saturday, which was actually three or four days before my period is due. I peed on the stick, and watched, and thought, nah, it is negative, but then I came back and looked again, and indeed there was a very faint line. I immediately went upstairs to ask Husband if it looked like a line to him. He was so good natured about it, considering I woke him up at 6:30 in the morning to discuss the subtleties of the pink line. So, yesterday, I bought another test, and this time, the line was MUCH stronger. No doubt about it, at least for this second, I am pregnant. Again.

We were both pretty calm about it, a little yea! and then our armour came on. Don't want to spend too much energy on it this time. I sure don't want to start planning my life differently. We were going to use the room we have as an office for the n....ry (i don't even want to type it), and we were just beginning to buy some office furniture, Husband asked if we should stop buying it, and I said no. If I make it to 8.5 months, we'll move the stuff out. Otherwise, keep building the office. I will not read a baby book, buy any memory books, take home any ultrasound pictures, or browse any baby sites at least until after the amnio. Which means I'll have to make it that long. I did tell my Mom, as she was quite helpful the last time when everything went to Hell. But I'm trying very hard not to tell anyone else about it.

The good thing is that I know the conception date within two days, so I'll know if it is measuring small or not-- although I really don't think it did last time. I am definitely going to have to watch what I eat, I gained so much weight and never lost it, I'm a little worried about it. I went to the gym this morning, and plan to start going three or four times a week, I figure that combined with horseback riding should give me a lot of exercise.

Speaking of which, I rode him (the horse, not the husband) in the indoor arena, and he started to cough, cleared his nose a few times, and we were suddenly able to trot and canter! I hope this continues, as I would LOVE to be able to ride him at night throughout the winter. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, here we are, jumping out of a plane without a parachute....