Get It Together, Right On Right On

So, Yeah, This Sucks

2010-03-12T07:44:00.003-07:00

Since January, my horse has been fighting an eye affliction known as uveitis. It responded well to the first round of meds, but then immediately flared up again after stopping them. I switched vets, thinking that the other one was young and going to a more experienced vet might be better. He prescribed several things, none of them made any difference, and the eye continued to deteriorate. After trying two different meds with him, I asked for a referral to the University of Georgia large animal clinic, as they have opthamology services. They couldn't see us for a week, and Wednesday we took him up there.

I knew that his left eye was pretty much a loss, but now his right eye is starting with the same symptoms. I was told that eventually, they may have to remove both eyes, and probably the left eye at the very least. This is definitely troubling, as I keep thinking that if I had just acted sooner, we could have saved it. But I didn't know. I thought that having him under a vet's care would prevent it. I was wrong. I feel as if I have let him down, this sweet horse who has given me so much. And of course, my money is very limited, so now I have to add the worry of paying the 2500 vet bill (this does not include removal of the eye, which will be another 1200 - 1400) to the rest of the stress.

This is terrible. But it could be worse. I can't imagine being one of the millions of people out there that are having to make choices about themselves, about their spouses, even their children, because they simply can't afford it. That would break me. And although I feel somewhat broken around the edges, when I am able to see that my little boy is healthy, feel my baby squirm around and kick me, I know that things could be much, much worse.

I hate worrying about money, I hate worrying about paying for his care, and I'm still not sure how I'll be able to do it. I just keep thinking that we'll figure it out somehow. I hope we do.

Still here

2010-02-26T08:20:00.002-07:00

I hate that I almost never write now. But I'm 27 weeks pregnant with a 2 and a half year old, and I'm tired. Very tired. I have a new project at work that I really have very little idea of how to do, and of course it is on a very tight deadline. My horse is sick with an eye affliction that has continued for two months and we really don't know if it will ever get better. Waaah, waaah, waaah.

Things are not really bad, just hectic. And M has been sick with something that makes him have horrible spasmodic coughing spells throughout the night, so neither of us is sleeping. Sleep is such a wonderful thing.

S is doing great, I think we are getting close to another sickness, but is has been at least a month, so we really can't complain too much. He moved to another class at school for older kids, and he had a teacher that wasn't so nice. We researched other options, and were ready to make the move. Last week, we discovered that said teacher was no longer employed there! And the other teachers are great, so we were very relieved. We probably should have talked to the school about it, but we didn't want it to get back to the teacher and then S would have a target on his back. So, that worked out very nicely.

We were really having some power struggles with S for a while, which usually ended with me yelling at him until he had a full on tantrum, and neither one of us was happy when it was over. Somehow, I got my patience back and starting using one of his favorite things, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, as a bargaining tool, "If we don't get dressed now, we won't have time for Mickey Mouse", etc. It works so amazingly well. It takes him a few minutes to process it, but there is no more yelling and fighting to get him dressed, or to the table to eat, etc. It is truly a miracle. We have noticed a huge difference in his behavior since the Bad Teacher has been gone as well. She yelled, and I mean really yelled, at the kids all of the time. It was pretty awful. There was no escalation, just immediately yelling. I'm so glad she is gone, and so is S, apparently! And drop offs are FINALLY getting better. This morning he opened the door for me so I could leave. He was all smiles and laughs as I left. It was INCREDIBLE. He has been at that school almost 9 months, and this has been the first week that drop off hasn't been an issue. Yea!

I am pregnant, almost 28 weeks, and I'm beginning to feel exhausted again. I'm trying to remember to eat often, and eat good things, not a candy bar that will just boost me up and then send me crashing. But those darned Cadbury eggs are quite tempting, now and then.

S continues to amaze us, picking new words every day, and getting clearer and clearer on the ones he already knows. One of my favorite things is when I'll ask him if he is doing something, he'll reply, "Yes, I am!". He'll actually kiss me now, and I can't get enough of them. He likes to pat my belly and talk to the baby, and this morning as I was holding him in my lap, he felt him kick.

Life is certainly barreling along, the weather was wonderful last weekend, in the mid sixties. Not so much for this weekend, low fifties. We have had a very cold winter for Atlanta. I'm over it. I do see jonquils coming up, and the trees are starting to have buds on them. I just wish the temperature would follow!

Truckin' Along

2009-12-30T08:23:00.004-07:00

We had the big ultrasound on 12/16, and everything looked great, except that they saw two cysts on the baby's brain. The screen came back fantastic. There were no other markers. The doctor said they usually just ignore a cyst if no other signs are found. And then by the end of the appointment, she said she had almost convinced herself that it was normal vascular activity. At any rate, we decided to not worry about it. We definitely weren't concerned enough for an amnio.
The baby is measuring a little ahead, and was moving around, and even yawned. It was awesome to the see it in there.
And, we found out it is another boy! We are very excited. I can just picture my two sons, on a Saturday morning hair sticking up running around in their pajamas.

Christmas was wonderful. S really understood that Santa was coming, and although he was quite grouchy in the morning, after an early LONG nap, he was much better, and he had big fun playing with all of his new toys. Granny and Papa came to visit the next day, and brought him MORE toys, it was so much fun to watch. It is very nice, too, because his other toys were getting pretty old and boring to him. Now we have an entire arsenal of entertainment!

I ended up going to the doctor Christmas eve, as I've been sick off an on since Thanksgiving. I got some antibiotics, but I'm not sure they are helping. I just feel so TIRED all of the time! I know I'm pregnant, but I wish I could just WAKE UP!!

Granny is supposed to take Sam tomorrow through Sunday, provided he doesn't get sick, which means I'll have some time to sleep, which is wonderful! Also, we are going to see Widespread Panic on New Year's Eve! My first Panic show since the July before Sam was born, at Red Rocks. This will be great because I'll have a seat, and it is a huge venue, so smoke shouldn't be too much of an issue. I'm very excited! I don't get to go out much at night, so this is really a special treat for me!

Oh and I'm 19 weeks?! How did that happen?

16 and a half weeks

2009-12-11T08:55:00.003-07:00

5 more days until the Big Ultrasound,and quad screen results. Since I've reached 16 and a half weeks, I feel really good, and I'm starting to feel more like I'm really pregnant. I finally broke down and bought maternity pants and shirts, I have a definite bump showing. I'm terrified of something bad on the quad screen/ultrasound, but I want to be excited so badly.

I did get to see the baby this week, as I went in for my 16 week appointment and although we did hear the heartbeat for a few seconds, she couldn't find it again. Does this sound familiar? Luckily, I've rented a Doppler and had just listened earlier, so I wasn't really worried about it. She got the ultrasound machine and I got to have a good look at the kiddo. It is amazing how much is different from the 10 week appointment! I could see a backbone, fingers, toes, arms, legs. He/she was bending their knees and moving their arms and head. It really made me feel more connected. I wish that M could've been there, but I'd told him not to come, as usually it is ten minutes, they measure, listen, and I'm out the door (after paying for that privilege, of course). I have to admit that despite myself, I started to get a bit excited. And then, I told everyone at work-- BEFORE THE test results! What was I thinking? But in a way, if something is horribly wrong, it will be good that everyone knows, so that they'll be nicer to me, or at least understand when I snap their heads off.

In other news, S is so much fun-- he is really talking and singing, knows his upper case letters, and some lower case, is learning the sounds now. He LOVES Christmas lights, and we usually make a quick loop on the way home from school to look at them. Also, for the first time in SIX MONTHS, he is starting to be a lot better about being left at school. He hasn't had to have the teacher pick him up, I'm able to hug him and kiss him, and go. I'm really crossing my fingers that this continues!

Nuchal Fold

2009-11-04T08:45:00.003-07:00

We had the nuchal fold translucency test done today, and the results were normal, yeah! It was a little dicey, though. We were making small talk with the ultrasound tech, and I said something about how fast they grow up both inside and outside, and after that she got very quiet. She was doing measurements, but wasn't really saying anything, and boy, we started getting nervous. The doctor came in and told us the results, and we really liked her. This was at the high risk specialist, so she won't actually be delivering or anything, but we will see her again for the big ultrasound at 17 weeks.
After that, the ultrasound tech came back in to take my blood, and she explained that her son had died in Iraq in September, and my comment just made her really sad, which made her quiet. I almost started crying right there. I felt terrible for her. I can't imagine how awful it would be to bury your son. And then I think about how many other mothers did the same thing. It makes me very sad. I do not agree with the war, never have, but I certainly support those families that are affected by it. My heart goes out to them.
Next stop, 5 weeks for the quad screen blood draw, and then the next week will be the Big Ultrasound. Oh, and according to the ultrasound, 11 weeks 3 days along.

Week 9 and holding

2009-10-19T18:39:00.002-06:00

So, yeah, week 9 on the pregnant thing. The doctor's appointment went well, but a little fraught with frustration. You see, I couldn't sleep the entire night before due to Bad Ultrasound Dread. But I knew it would be over the next day, at least for the short term.
We got to the doctor's office, had the exam, when the doctor casually mentions that the sonographer has had a death in the family, and the other sonographer can't fit me in, so I'll have to reschedule. Oh man, I held it together pretty well, but I was ready to go totally Bruce Lee and rip out his larynx. But I didn't. We had to wait two more days, but then we got to see the heartbeat, and it measured beautifully. We'll see how the next one goes.
I'm ordering the fetal heart monitor tomorrow.
Gulp.

Back in the Saddle

2009-10-02T08:49:00.003-06:00

Whew, it has been a while! We are in Atlanta, and really like it so far. The job is pretty good, I get to work from home a bit, spend more time with my son, and my horse. We feel really good about being here, most of the time. We will always miss Colorado, but I think for now, we are staying put for a while. We are using the heck out of the zoo, the toddler sized park nearby, and our really sizeable back yard.

And by the way... I'm pregnant. Very early yet, Monday would be 7 weeks. I'm trying so hard to keep from obsessing about it, I want to just stay somewhat objective and see how things work out. I'm nauseated some days, some days not. My boobs are sore some days, and some days not. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. That could be psychological, I tell myself. And it could be. The doctor actually made a mistake and scheduled my appointment for Oct 2, today, instead of the 12th, which was what I had down on my calendar. I'll be right about 8 weeks on the 12th. It took massive amounts of control to reschedule the appointment. I would LOVE to see if anything is developing in there, but as my dear, logical husband pointed out, if we see something there, but no heartbeat, we are going to be on pins and needles until we come back to see if the heart is beating, because at 6 weeks, it is iffy that you could see it on an ultrasound. At eight weeks, we pretty much know that something is wrong if we don't see one. So, rather than go through that horrible waiting game, we decided to reschedule the appointment. So, I've got to wait another week and some change, which is driving me crazy, but I think it is for the best.

S turned two in August, and it was wonderful. He continues to amaze us on a daily basis with his personality. What a sense of humor! And we love seeing how interesting things can be for him, even during the most mundane tasks. He can do so many things now, getting food for the dog, he goes with me to see the horse, and helps me brush him and likes to get up on his back! What a fun age.

We went to Disney mid September, and it was lots of fun. He enjoyed the teacups, the carousel, Dumbo, the magic carpets, the train,and of course, Its a Small World. He tolerated the Jungle Cruise and was a little scared in Pooh's big adventure and Buzz Lightyear. We got to meet Mickey and Minnie, but there was a line, and he melted down right before it was our turn. He screamed the entire time, but we got pictures, and they are pretty funny! It was a really good time, I'm already planning our next trip.

The cork is about to pop

2009-05-21T11:36:00.002-06:00

So, I've given my notice here at work, tomorrow is supposed to be my last day. I'm cleaning out my cube, thanking God that I don't have to work with certain people any more, very sad that I won't be working with others. Then it hits me. I haven't heard anything back from the recruiter about what time I should come in, who I ask for, etc. No big deal, I think, I'll shoot him an email. So I did.

And then, I heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I called. He's out this week. I'm starting to sweat a little. I call the manager for whom I'm supposed to be working. He never heard a confirmation on my start date, but says to come on in on Tuesday, and ask for him. I feel a little appeased by this, but I'm getting nervous. You see, they had to do a background check, and let's be honest, my credit is less than perfect. MUCH less. It is getting better, but we had some rough times there for a while. No bankruptcy, but still not great. So, my inner voice is having a heyday. And I'm ready to throw up.

Then day care calls. S is whiny, crying, can't go to sleep. I want to be able to leave, to go get him, but now I worry that I might have to come crawling back into my boss' office and beg for my job back.

I want to cry, I want to curl up and go to sleep until this is over. Why can't anything go smoothly? Arrggghhh. I already deal so poorly with change. This is not making it any easier.

Atlanta, here we come!

2009-05-13T13:21:00.002-06:00

So, I got the job, and we found a house that is very close to other family members. Hopefully it won't drive us crazy! The house is awesome, with a huge back yard, and a pool. The rent is 300 dollars cheaper, and the house's layout is a MUCH better fit. Two stories instead of three. A huge backyard for kids and dogs alike. A nice, quiet neighborhood, where our family knows all of the neighbors, and there is not a party house in the bunch! Two car garage, which will be great for the motorcycles. It is kind of far away from where I'll be working, but I'm willing to commute a bit to have a nice living situation.

We are kind of in shock right now. But a good shock! I gave my notice at work, and unfortunately, I know have the worst attitude possible. I have no desire to do or finish ANYTHING! But I will, I will. The bare minimum, that is. Now all we have left is to find a daycare and a stable. I've got three day cares that I want to visit, they all sound pretty promising. After that, the stables.

It is wild to think that we'll be back in Atlanta after all of these years, 13 years I think? But we are very excited to be closer to all that Atlanta has to offer. I'm scared to death, but I feel like it is the right thing to do.

I hope I can breathe again soon!

The sun had BETTER come out

2009-05-07T07:50:00.002-06:00

Lately, I’ve had been feeling completely overwhelmed. I’m so upset by the fact that I have no time to spend with S, that we are both working our tails off so that we can pay someone else to spend time with him. Not that he isn’t benefiting from daycare, because I know that he is. He is very happy there, has his little friends, and that is great. But I hate Mondays, and going back to seeing him for a few hours a day, and starting my countdown until the weekend all over again. I miss him. I hate that I absolutely have to work, that we have to have my income. I hate that summers for him will mean going to another school, not lazing around and going to the pool day after day. I hate it. There is no other option, and he’ll be fine. But I can’t help listening to that little voice in the back of my head that wants things to be different; even if they can’t be.

And I have a freaking bolt in my tire. ~sigh~

I emailed the recruiter in Atlanta, they still haven't made a decision, almost two weeks later?! If we hear nothing by the end of Friday, we are just going to make the decision to stay here. We can't keep living in "Maybe" land.

Rainy Weekend

2009-05-04T07:56:00.002-06:00

This weekend was really, really great. S is feeling much better. I think he was teething before, because oh my God he was grouchy last week. It was really awful. We kept wondering if this is what normal kids act like. Whew! But we got through it, didn’t kill each other, and lo and behold, suddenly about Thursday, he was his old self again. Yay!

It rained, rained, rained all weekend. Somehow, I decided to be cheerful and optimistic rather than feeding into my usual rain negativity. It worked beautifully, and the weekend turned out to be really fun. We took S to a Japanese steak house for lunch for the first time. We’ve debated on taking him for quite some time, and finally I just decided for us. We have figured out that if we come up with a contingency plan, we feel a lot more secure about new situations. So, contingency plans were made (I’d take S outside and get mine to go), diaper bags were packed, and away we went. We get inside, and there is a guy with a freaking tile saw running, which made both of us enter Panic Level 1. S was fine, however. Whew! Dodged that one. Then we get to the table, seated, and the fire alarm goes off. With the blinking lights, the screaming sirens, everything. Panic Level 4!! Oh No! S got a little nervous, but handled it well. The rest of the experience was fine. We had to laugh; we were wondering if a man-eating lion was waiting for us in the parking lot. As for the actual meal, S absolutely loved it, loved being able to see so many people, and watching the chef in front of him was very entertaining for him.

We did a lot of playing in the house, it was raining too much to go outside, so we painted a lot, both finger paints and watercolors. S is in his abstract phase, I think. At any rate, we made it through a rain filled weekend with our spirits intact. Thank God we are renting a largish house, with plenty of room to run!

The Atlanta thing—I have heard nothing from the company, I don’t know for sure if that is a bad sign, but I’m leaning that way. The weird thing is, I’m not 100 percent sure I’d take it and move. After all the discussions of moving to a bigger city, now I’m second guessing myself. We started thinking about traffic, and how much time that would take away from our already miniscule time with S. We talked about access to camping, bike trails, hiking trails, which we have a lot of here. We talked about how close we are to Diane. We talked about the fact that yes, my job isn’t the best, but it isn’t the worst either. I work my 40 hours and go home, which is pretty good in this industry. S’s daycare situation absolutely, positively is the most awesome situation, despite the rocky start. So, we may actually be leaning towards staying here, at least for the next few years. The landlords told us that they have no intention of moving back, and are hoping we’ll continue to lease. The house isn’t perfect, it has a zillion stairs, and no yard for the dog, but is also has an awesome screened porch, trees, birds, and a large, if hilly, yard. But it is a nice house. We have lived there almost a year, and we have things somewhat worked out there for living. We’d really rather not pack up everything to move across town, and into a possibly worse situation.
So, to sum it up-- the old S is back, yea! Atlanta is still a maybe, leaning toward no.

2009-03-30T11:18:00.001-06:00

So, I go to my car to await the Phone Interview, scheduled for 11. I wait and wait, then wait some more. At 11:20, I call the HR person. Oh, she says, they are running late, maybe 15 more minutes? I’ve been sitting in my car since 10:50. No problem, I say, swallowing my anger. Maybe this time will be worth it. Maybe this will the THE ONE. I decide to go get gas. Five minutes later, while driving through the busiest part of town, the phone rings. It is the Interviewer. We talk, we click, the job sounds great, Oh, really, I could work from home a lot? Wonderful! Yes, I’d love to discuss my experience. Yes, I have experience with Data Warehouses. Yes, I know what your company does. Oh my, this is going well, I think, this really could be THE ONE. We talk salary. Oh, and one small detail…. This isn’t a full time job. We would bring you in for 6 months as a contractor. That’s okay, right? No, no guarantees that we’d hire you. If we like you, sure, but if we don’t... Benefits? Oh well, you’d pay for 80% of your benefits. We use <>. They are a lot more expensive than the others, but you can choose whatever doctor you want! I know that our posting said full time job, sorry about that.

Nothing like wasting two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And being slapped with massive disappointment once again. It was so nice to hear someone talk to me that within the first ten minutes didn’t make a reference to the Lord, what church I go to, or the phrase “hind end”. But, I’m back in the land of No Hope. And I’m firmly, deeply stuck.

V Day 2009

2009-02-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

Valentine’s Day. We have a funny relationship, me and Valentine’s Day. When I was younger, in High School, it was about everyone knowing that I got flowers (once in four years), or trying to hide the fact that I didn’t. Even after I was married (but still 18!), I spent the entire day trying to tell myself not to expect flowers, that it was okay. And then, the flowers would arrive, and I would be so pleased. But if they didn’t get there until later, I was downright pouting by the time they got there.

And then, somewhere, something happened. I was genuinely happy for those that got something, but I really didn’t care so much if I got something or not.

You see, I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 20. We had that passionate, “blinded by love”, rollercoaster, oh my god I’m gonna die because we argued, oh my god I’m so happy because we made up kind of relationship. I think you have to be young to have that sort of marriage, because as you get older, you don’t have the stamina! As we grew and mellowed, got stronger, became more able to stand on our own two feet instead on leaning so hard on each other, we got stronger. Our relationship got stronger. We became stable. I like stable. I LOVE stable.

We know each other well enough to get on each other’s nerves almost to that point. But we know enough to stop before we get there. We also know that we love each other in a stronger, deeper way than we could have ever imagined back when we were married 19 years ago. So, if I get flowers, great, but I genuinely don’t care so much. I know he loves me. I feel loved on a daily basis.

It feels great not to care. And coincidentally, I did get some beautiful tulips. And a great card that plays Superfreak!

I love you, you big Palooka. Happy Valentine’s Day.

We got the band together again!

2009-02-05T13:43:00.004-07:00

M's cousin came over last night, and we had way too much fun playing Rock Band. As a matter of fact, we've run through all of the songs! The highlight of the night? Me, trying to sing Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills". And Highway Star. Never did I know that the word "star" could be mangled in so many ways! So much fun.

Moving?
We know that we don't want to be here. We want a bigger city. So, I've been posting for jobs here and there. Long story short, someone in Tampa contacted me, I had a technical interview in which the guy told me that he was going to recommend that they fly me in, and that was two days ago. I've heard nothing.
Which may be good, because it gave me some time to stop and think. While we used to really enjoy the excitement of taking off for parts unknown without even blinking, we might actually ~miss~ some of our family. Weird, right?
We do certainly miss the type of outdoorsy culture more prevalent in the western us, but something tells me not to go too far right now. We're talking maybe about going to Atlanta, it would be an easy move, a much, much bigger city. We're still trying to figure it out. Of course, a lot (all of it) will depend on if I can get a job or not.

Weight update
160.6, and I don't think it is a fluke, because yesterday morning was 160.8. Oh my gosh, I could be seeing 150's in a week or so! Very, very exciting. I haven't been in the 150's since well before S was born. Maybe before the first pregnancy, I think. All of that angry eating took its toll!
Spinning class tomorrow again. Whew! I'm excited and scared at the same time, kind of the way I used to feel before taking off on my dirt bike. But it is good! Getting results like this really keeps me motivated. I have a pair of pants that are very unforgiving waist-wise, and I try them on every week to see how they fit. I have to say I feel a pretty big difference this week. I can tell that my stomach is definitely taking up less of the landscape. Whew hoo! Very exciting.

Size 12 jeans fit great, I'm pretty sure I could get into 10s, not sure that anyone would want to see it :)

Blogger's Studio Courtesy of Beth Fish

2009-02-05T13:38:00.005-07:00

Beth from So the Fish Said asked if anyone would like to be interviewed, and I thought hey! what a great chance to stop whining and bitching! She provided the questions:

1. Remember the movie href="Brewster's">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088850/plotsummary">Brewster's Millions?
That happens to you, except on a smaller scale. You receive a million
dollars that you must spend in 30 days. However, you cannot have any
assets to show for the money at the end of the month (and you can't
buy something and then destroy it), you cannot waste the money, you
cannot give it away, and you cannot tell anyone what you are doing.
How do you ditch the dough in a month or less?

That’s easy! Invest in Real Estate in NYC!

2. You are locked in a toy store overnight, with no way out until it
reopens in the morning. What do you play with all night?

Oh man, that sounds awesome! I’m all over the sit n spin, the block things that you push through the different shaped holes, toy trains, Legos!, and the big Barbie head who’s hair you style. Also that robotic horse thing, possibly, although it kind of looks Satanic and might freak me out in the middle of the night.

3. If you could have a dinner party with any three famous people,
living or dead, you would be wasting your supernatural powers on
hosting dinner parties. What would you do instead?
Find a cure for Diabetes, so that my husband would live a long, healthy life.

4. What's the best thing since sliced bread? Now, sliced bread ain't
all that impressive, so what's the best mediocre, hum-drum improvement
or advancement that has made modern life just ever so slightly more
convenient for humanity, along the lines of saving yourself five
seconds every time you want a piece of bread.

That would have to be the ice and water in the refrigerator door thing. Why does it seem so cool? Was it really that difficult to reach into the freezer and get some ice, and then fill your glass with water?

5. What's your best quality? The response to this question must be a
simple declarative statement. You may elaborate on that statement,
provided that your elaboration does not include the words "but,"
"however," or "although," or any other hedging, equivocating,
back-sliding, gerrymandering (which is not at all appropriate in this
context, but I think it should be, don't you?) or any other type of
backing down from the simple declarative statement with which you
began your response.
I am incredibly loyal, once I feel a person has earned it.

Trying to be less angry

2009-02-03T08:13:00.001-07:00

Okay, trying to be more positive today. I didn’t lose a ton of weight this week, I definitely did not exercise like I should’ve. I had this awful soup yesterday, which did not fill me up at all, so I kept eating things to try to make up for it, and then for some reason by the end of the day, I had a headache that was so intense I honestly wondered if I was having a stroke. It was only on one side of my head, and so, so intense. My husband massaged my shoulders and neck and BOY there was a spot there that is so sore. And still is. I think we need to invest in a massager thingy that you put in your chair. Because I cannot take it.

So, I take my first spinning class today. I really fight my social anxieties to take these classes. I was concerned about whether I should wear my cycling shoes and shorts, even though I’m so out of shape. I finally decided “F it, this is my journey, and if it makes me feel better to wear the bike shorts and my clipless shoes, then I’m going to do it!”. I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t want easy. I want to get healthy. I want to take S out in the Burley this spring. I want to get back on my Homegrown and ride a trail with M. I want to feel good, no matter where I live. I want to enjoy riding, not dread every hill climb. And I know that I can do it. I KNOW I CAN!

I keep picturing myself doing these things, and it works as great motivation. Whether I hate my job or not, I need to do myself a favor and use the tools around me to my greatest benefit. I will not let my anger/frustration sabotage this effort.

So, weight: 162.0, 6.8 lbs lost.

I bought a size 12 in jeans this weekend. From a 14. It rocks. The other ones I could actually pull off without unbuttoning them. From losing 7 pounds? Working out definitely makes a difference.

Jane 2.0

2009-01-22T10:21:00.003-07:00

How is it going? So far, very well. I've started going to the gym, for the last two weeks, I've been four times a week.

Weight loss: this morning, I weighed 163.8. That is a 5 lb loss in 2.5 weeks. Not bad! I'm aiming for 2 lbs a week.

I started jogging, just a bit, as I'm trying to train for a 5K. I'd like to build up to 10K, and maybe do a race in CO, I'd love to do the Bolder Boulder, but I think it may fill up too soon.

I did 60 sec of running, 90 sec of walking, for 25 minutes. Yesterday, I took a circuit training class, during which I ran for two minutes a couple of times.

Goal weight: 135

29 lbs to go!!

Pants are starting to get a tiny bit looser. The eating is pretty easy right now, and I'm really, really excited that I'm finally doing it. I've talked about it forever, and now, I'm actually exercising and eating nutritiously! Now that I'm getting into more of a routine, I've got to help M start it up. It would be so cool if we both got healthy.

Those Zany Office Workers

2009-01-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

In keeping with my “Let’s ride the crazy train with Jane” theme, I thought I’d enlighten you as to the types of people I work with and the delightful scenarios that occur as a result:

1) The lady who calls me EVERY TIME SHE SENDS ME AN EMAIL. To say, “I just sent you an email”. She sends me at least five emails EVERY DAY. It drives me absolutely insane. Each voicemail says exactly the same thing as the email. Double the pleasure, double the fun!

2) The lady who reacts to every possible issue, before taking the time to determine if it is, in fact, an issue. I spent four hours today tracking down “HUGE problem, OMG if this isn’t working we’re screwed” type of thing. A “lets’ email everyone and let them know that this isn’t working even though I haven’t actually confirmed that it isn’t working” type of thing. The most irksome part of this is that 99% of the time, the reason something behaves the way it does is … you guessed it, because she told me to make it behave that way. Luckily, I always have the email(s) to send back to her. She is never apologetic, and always acts as if she’s doing me a favor by admitting that she did, in fact, ask for it to work that way. But she never emails everyone again to let them know. So I started including them in the emails I send to her.

3) The guy who is so afraid that someone may be better at his job than he is, that he will not share any information with you. Even if you have been tasked with helping him finish work on one of his projects. It would be easier to learn a new language while deserted on an island for a year than to have to try to start working on one of his projects. He is a true environmentalist, as he “leaves no trace”. No documentation, no comments, no replies to your emails or phone calls. I like to think of it as being a secret agent, dropped off in a foreign country, trying to complete a mission. I try to ignore the fact that my foreign county is approximately 8x8 and the color of urine.

4) The guy who wants to talk your ear off, but then makes snide comments about you behind your back. And it isn’t just me; he stabs everyone in the back. To your face, he wants to tell you all about his landscaping plan, or how well his pet chinchilla is doing, but when he thinks you are out of range, he’ll disparage your work, your hours, and anything else he can come up with.

5) The girl who really, really, wants to be left alone and get some actual work done. Guess who? I have spent so much time the last few days tracking down “problems” and then having to explain to ten different people that they aren’t problems, they were requested. ~Sigh~

On a completely different and AWESOME note, my husband is going to a big charity event that Widespread Panic’s lead singer helps out with every year. We have wanted to go for quite some time, but this is the first year we’ve really been close enough to do it. The best part? I’ll get to take S to Disney! And see WP's lead singer in concert! And get out of this town for a while. Which I need badly.

WW Commando

2009-01-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

Feeling slightly less unhinged. So, I guess, you call me a little more hinged than yesterday. But not fully hinged, not by far.

I tried to sign up for Weight Watcher’s again yesterday. I hoofed it over about four blocks in the stinkin’ cold, using up precious gym time, but I thought it might be worth it to have some support. The WW person never showed up. How’s that for enthusiastic support? But, I’m thinking that was a good thing. The crowd was less than inspiring.

There was one person there who was there when I went to the meetings last year. And I remember being kind of annoyed by her last time, because no matter what you were talking about, she ALWAYS found a way to bring it back around to the fact that she’d been there for two years! And wasn’t that great! She knows all about it! Isn’t she everybody’s Miss WW! But here’s the thing. I overheard her telling someone that she’s lost, are you ready for it? 60 pounds. Yes, that is quite an accomplishment. It took her TWO YEARS people. TWO YEARS. My God, what, is she eating one less doughnut a day? Yeah, yeah, I know, good for her, blah blah. But I was so sick of hearing her tell everyone how great she was, and to find out that BFD, she lost 60 lbs and has AT LEAST that much more to go. So she’ll be nice and thin for her trip to Boca when she’s 70!

And then, the others. I heard one lady telling the other, “I know I gained two pounds last week, but I just can’t live without my half and half in my coffee and little piece of cake before I go to bed” – I don’t think I’d want to have to constantly clamp my mouth shut for fear of saying something very to-the-point.

I think most of this bitterness and urge to stab someone with a ten-pound-loss pin is that the last meeting helper type of thing I attended was a Narcotic’s Anonymous meeting, quite some time ago. (Yes, I’ve been clean for wait-let me count – 21 years now, and yes, I’m still clean, just don’t go to meetings anymore. I was sixteen when I got clean, so when I grew up, I didn’t really need any help living a clean life, as it is the only way I know. I wasn’t really feeling a need to be there, and haven’t for about 15 years now.) The NA meetings are a little more rooted in tough love, because addicts can certainly load on the self pity and are all too ready to heap the blame on everyone and everything else. I personally respond to this much better. I would much rather someone call me on my s—t than to coddle me. And I would much rather call someone else on it, too. All of that freaking rationalization about why they couldn’t give up a biscuit with their dinner? I wanted to shout “F—k, people, why are you HERE? GET OUT! You don’t want help!” So maybe I shouldn’t attend those meetings, I’m guessing.

Learning to bend

2009-01-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

I started doing the WW again back on Jan 5, and so far I’ve lost 3.6 pounds! I went to the gym yesterday at lunch. That was the first time I’ve been to the gym since I was pregnant with S. I did actually exercise a little bit when I was first pregnant, but then I got tired and worried that I’d do something bad, so I stopped. It has been at least two years since I’ve been. It felt absolutely wonderful.

I love the elliptical machine, always have, and as I got on and slid my water bottle into its slot, it felt like coming home. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be; my legs are sore today, but I wasn’t huffing and puffing as I had imagined. I’m going today to do upper body—yea!

It is a little cumbersome carrying the bag that I have; and I decided that if I keep going for two weeks, I’ll buy myself a nice backpack to use.

The last time I lost so much weight and got into great shape was doing the Body For Life program. It worked, and worked well, but it isn’t something that I can continuously do. I’m not going to get up at 5am to work out every day. And what I’m realizing is that I don’t have to. I can go during lunch, or after Sam’s asleep, but I need to cut myself some slack and realize that everything about it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just because the guy says that you need to work out First Thing In The Morning, it doesn’t mean that if I work out during the afternoon that I’m a failure. If I get there, it’s all good! I still get a gold star! And the diet was pretty strict. I need to allow for a latte here and there, it keeps me from binging like a wild woman.

I’m realizing that this applies to a lot of my life. It seems that I set these rigid goals of perfection, and if I can’t reach them, I give myself no credit (and give up). As a new mother, I felt that everything had to be done absolutely by the book, with no variation. I think most new parents are like that. As time goes by, and you don’t break him, you realize that it is okay to trust your instincts. It is okay to slack some.

It has occurred to me that this should apply to life in general, and as I’m beginning to allow myself to slack a bit here and there, I ‘m more fun to be around. I don’t want to become my uptight aunt, screaming at her ten year old son not to get his white Easter pants dirty. I want to be the one who is helping him search for eggs, and if we don’t find any, show him that we’ll still have fun, by rolling around on the ground wrestling. As clichéd as it is, I need to remember that it isn’t the destination, it is the experiences getting there. That sounds almost like a resolution, doesn’t it? Oh yeah, and that losing 35 pounds thing.

Just to keep me honest:
Height 5’3”

Weight:
1/5/09: 168.8
1/12/2009: 165.2

Loss 3.6 lbs!! Yea!!

My moment of clarity

2009-01-08T11:50:00.002-07:00

I went to Starbuck’s this morning, to get a Black Tea Latte. And the cashier had on a billabong hoodie. In one very swift and definite moment, the desire to move back to San Diego was born. This desire has poked up its head many times in the last year, but usually I have been able to brush it away, like a mosquito. this has been easy in the past, as I simply recite the list of Reasons Not To Move There:
1) the cost of living is HIGH and we can’t buy a house
2) the job market is not good right now
3) it is expensive to move
4) there aren’t any places for Charlie horse

And, of course, my answers:
1) We can’t buy a house anyway; our credit sucks right now. The housing market has come way down there, and maybe by the time we are ready to buy, it will be more reasonable. And I don’t feel a strong desire to buy anything right now. Last time we lived there, I was in a different place, and felt that I NEEDED to own a house to feel like a worth member of society. I feel completely different about that now.
And believe it or not, but we could live in a decent house, granted more towards the hills than the ocean, for only a couple of hundred dollars more than we’re paying now.
2) I just looked out on dice.com, and there are many, many jobs for which I’m qualified, with strong companies. Whether I’d actually GET one of these jobs? Who knows. But I wouldn’t move until I did.
3) This one is difficult. We are finally building up some savings again. Mike was going to quit his job at the end of this month, maybe we can plan a bit further into the future and he’ll keep working, and we’ll keep adding to the savings account, at least for a couple of months.
4) I did some web research, and there are many, many boarding stables. Actually a lot better options than in CO, as grass actually grows in CA.

I can’t explain why I suddenly have such a strong urge. But I haven’t had one in a long, long time. It feels very much like a ‘moment of clarity’. Suddenly, I felt as if I woke from a fog, thinking, ‘Why are we here? We could be THERE!’

When we lived there before, we didn’t have children, were very into mountain biking and dirt bike riding, things that we did with a group of friends. When we moved to SD, we missed those friends and those activities. That was a long time ago, and now those friends have kids, have gotten divorced, etc. Our lives are so different now, and our priorities are quite different. I don’t care so much if I can’t afford a new car or to buy a huge house.

I’m going to give it the weekend test. If I still feel this way by Monday, I’m going to get more serious about researching it.

Catch Up (Whew!)

2009-01-06T08:05:00.002-07:00

Wow, has it been that long? I’ve been busy, but in a good way. I really like it when life is so full that you can’t fit anything else in. When it is full, not just frenzied. The difference? When you are busy doing things that fulfill you, give you joy, give your life meaning, then life is full. When you are busy running around doing pointless tasks, it is NOT full, just frenzied. You know what I mean.

Christmas was absolutely freaking wonderful. S was sick up to that day, nothing major, just a fever and general blah. Christmas he was better, though, and oh my goodness we had so much fun watching him open presents, and of course, the look when he saw what Santa brought was enough to keep me going for another year without anything to eat…. I knew it would be good, but man, the utter and sheer joy on that kid’s face. My heart grew three sizes!

We got to go to S’ grandparents’ (my husband’s aunt and uncle) house, which is not something we’ve done in a long while. Last year, my mother came and it was such an ordeal that we didn’t really enjoy it. This time we went over and there was a big group of people, and talk of Christmases past (we’ve spent 20 together!), and funny stories, and a great meal, and just a general really good holiday feel.

S did get sick again the next Sunday(groan), but seems to be better now. Being home with him for that long was so great, and, as any parent knows, so hard to end. M was planning on leaving his job at the end of January, and this just solidified that plan. I love that S gets interaction with other kids at daycare, but we’re noticing some differences as of late. He has started carrying around his fleece jacket all of the time while at daycare. He doesn’t do this at home, and it worries me that he wants a comfort object while he is there. He was sleeping a little more there, but nowhere near what he should be (an hour is the longest that he’s slept there, for all day). So, we are hoping to back down to a couple of days a week for daycare, M can do something very part time to get him out of the house, and S will hopefully benefit from it.

And I have a confession to make. I’m addicted. Hopelessly. We discovered that there is a version of Rock Band that will work with our ancient PS2. And it is absolutely incredible. And when I say incredible, I mean INCREDIBLE!!!! It has drums, guitar(which you can play as a bass, too), and a microphone. We have spent every night after S goes to bed playing this thing. And having SO MUCH FUN!

The coolest thing about this is that while we do get to have time for ourselves, mostly it is doing something separate – M has his Harley, and golf, and I have my horse, and luckily, we give each other time to enjoy these things while the other spends time with S. But we don’t really do much together, other than watch tv. This has really changed that, and it is so great to laugh and shake off the stress of the day. I don’t even like video games, but this one just absolutely was worth it, and it is so much more than just sitting there hitting a game controller. At any rate, I love it when you buy something and you know without a doubt that it is worth the money. And this one was.

Now going through the adjustment back to the real world, but totally worth it to have had such a great time off.

Friendless

2008-12-04T09:01:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who is pregnant, and has had a previous loss. I’ve been in contact with her almost daily via email. I haven’t heard from her since before Thanksgiving. I’m so torn as to what to do. Do I :
a) call her directly, thereby forcing her to give me bad news in person, when she may not have wanted to
b) email her and ask if everything is okay, thereby seeming like a needy, whiny person from whom she may want to run as fast as she can
c) ignore it, and hope that no news is good news

Ahhh, my neurotic friend phobias are coming to a head. This is why I have no friends. I analyze every move before I make it, and most of the time end up doing nothing, for fear of doing the wrong thing and scaring the friend away, like an almost tame squirrel. I’m already so afraid of having an actual phone conversation that the only way we’ve really become closer is through email. I’m always afraid of what I’ll talk about, and how long are you supposed to carry on a phone conversation anyway? I feel like there is some law that says you have to talk for at least 30 minutes, which usually results in my spouting out anything that comes into my head. Which is usually wildly inappropriate and/or offensive. Or, worse, incredibly boring.

In my teenage years, I wasn’t this way. I spent hours on the phone, talking about nothing. Somewhere, that changed. Probably when my friendships started to become based on more than a love of Sebago shoes and peace sign earrings. I need more friends, but their neediness scares me. And then my fear of being needy results in my being standoffish, which results in TA DA! No friends.

Ruthless cycle, that.

And you thought that candy bar in the diaper thing was bad

2008-11-13T14:39:00.001-07:00

Can you imagine eating this at a baby shower? Or anywhere, for that matter!
http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/2008/11/fetus_cookie_cutter.html

Thanks Amy!

2008-11-11T11:37:00.002-07:00

Someone was saying how scared they would be with no time to sleep, less time for sex, and no time for each other, about how their relationship would fare after having children. I’ll be honest; there is nothing that will test your relationship like having a child. But there is nothing that will strengthen it, deepen it or define it as much, either. We were married for 17 years before we had a child. I have learned more about my husband in the past 15 months than I did in all of our marriage before. Don’t get me wrong, I knew all of his stories, his sense of humor, that he was in an eighties hair band (when he was in high school) called, wait for it, “Hard Knox”, but I really didn’t know how he’d be in battle. And I have more respect, love and all out admiration for him than I ever did before.

Yes, there are times that I want to scream “I’m doing everything!” , and at times, I do. But the first time I came home to find him curled up with our son in our bed because our son was crying in the crib, I fell deeper in love than I could have imagined. Sometimes it feels just like those moments on The Amazing Race, the couples scurrying around, shouting blunt answers to each other. But the cool thing is that our relationship is so strong now (even stronger than it was, and that is saying A LOT), that we are able to forgive those things said under extreme duress.

I’m not saying everyone should have a child. It isn’t for everyone, and we didn’t think it was for us for a long, long time. I’m not saying it is easy, because it definitely isn’t. But it is an event that gave me a wildly different perception of life. It altered my priorities in a huge way. I’ve become a better person. I've become a better wife. We've become a better couple. I'm grateful for that. Because that little ninnymuggins deserves the best.

Tofurkey and my Imaginary Friend

2008-11-07T08:28:00.002-07:00

I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but this morning when the guy in the cube next to me started into my cube to tell yet another story about either
a) his massive task of redoing the storm drains in his yard
b) something stupid that his wife said or did or made him do
c) something way more than I want to know about his bathroom habits,

I picked up my cellphone and acted as if someone had called me. I had a five minute conversation with an imaginary friend about how to prepare a tofu turkey (or tofurkey, as I referred to it). I don’t even know how to prepare one, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. And I gave her advice about how to not offend her vegan guests by serving meat as well for her non vegan guests (“if they don’t want to be around it, then they shouldn’t come…”). I can’t believe I actually just did this, and had an entire imaginary conversation! I also gave her my pecan pie recipe. Oh my God, I so belong in the nuthouse.

And it totally worked, the guy next door was thwarted, forced to go regale another coworker with his tales.

I am laughing so hard right now. Especially at the random topic. At least it is a great exercise in creativity. And I will do it again! This has such a great array of possibilities. Car salesmen, the guy on the street that just "wants to take a minute to testify about Jesus", the woman in the elevator that has on the pink denim jacket that has been Beadazzled within an inch of its life....Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

I wanted to disclose this in case you want to keep your children away from me in the future.

Arrrggggghhh

2008-11-06T12:45:00.003-07:00

Total rant and venting ahead, proceed with caution:

The place where I work, oh man, it is so funny and weird. The clerical whose cube (it is more open with a sort of “breakfast bar” type thing on the front) is right across the aisle from me came in yesterday and asked me if she could put her head down and go to sleep. In my cube. While I’m working. I feel for her, she’s pregnant, so I know she’s tired. But sharing a 6x8 cube with someone else sleeping behind me? Weird. And, if her bosses(my bosses, too) came into my cube and saw her sleeping on the clock (she’s paid hourly), I can’t imagine what would unfold. But, being the weenie that I am, I said it was okay. So she slept in my cube for an hour. Do you know what it is like to have someone snoring two feet behind you while you try to figure out how to choose the proper encryption algorithm?

And every time I get anything to eat, she comes in and asks if she can have some. I got some M&Ms yesterday, and I had to try and not make a rattly sound with the wrapper, because I was hungry and wanted to be able to eat them all. She’s a sweet girl I guess, but a little strange. It was hilarious; I would sneak out like five of them, and then hide the bag in my drawer. I used to eat cereal at my desk in the morning, but every time she heard me pour the cereal, she’d come over and ask for some. And it isn’t an issue of not having the money to eat; she just bought a new car. I’m all for sharing some, but come on! Oh well, maybe it’ll be good for me, if I don’t eat at my cube, maybe I’ll lose some weight! She could start her own company called “I’ll Eat Half Your Food”. Lose Weight! Feel Great! I’ll Eat Half Your Food! And then sleep with you within an uncomfortable radius.

Asshat (in the cube next to me) is having digestive issues again. God help me. I actually practically yelled “Putting on my headphones!” while he was giving details on his phone call approximately a foot away from my ear. There are certain things you don’t do in a cube farm, people. Digestive issues go on the “no-no” list. Step out into the hall, and use your cellphone. That, and you never, ever comment on a personal conversation someone is having, even if it was so loud that anyone could hear. I know about every fight that asshat has had with his wife, but I never act like I have any clue about it. It is an unwritten code.

I’m definitely starting to get more negative about this company, and I’m trying to do better. They are building a new campus with all of this state of the art equipment --the workstations are new, to allow light from all the windows, the monitors are on swing arms, everyone has their own vents so that they can control the temperature, they are going to have Starbucks coffee, water machines!, actual breakrooms with a sink! (and soon we'll get one of those newfangled light bulbs I've heard so much about), etc. Up until a couple of weeks ago, as far as we knew, we were going to be moving there in April. Then they told us that although everyone else in the company was going to the new campus, they hadn’t planned correctly, and there wasn’t room for us, so we are staying in our building, which was (I’m not kidding) last renovated in 1984. No light, urine colored walls, cubes, carpet (that has stains ALL OVER IT), the bathrooms are hardly ever in service, and oh, they are taking away the restaurant downstairs. Yeah, so I’m kind of bummed. Stupid little extras like that really go a long way. And no plans to renovate our building. Just be grateful you have jobs, was what we were told. Which is true, I know, but yeesh.
AND, every other team in our department has scheduled their Christmas party. Except us. I don't think we are getting one this year. Which is fine, as long as they let us have the half day off. Which they probably won't-- they probably didn't "plan properly" for it. At least I just mistyped "for it" as "for tit" and got a good, juvenile laugh out of it!

the ATL

2008-11-06T08:00:00.002-07:00

M took me to Atlanta over the weekend to see Wicked and spend the night in an actual hotel, just the two of us. S spent the night away for the first time. It went really well. He loved it, Grandma loved it, and the two of them are nothing but trouble together. Such a team, those two. I always thought I’d be jealous of anyone else that my child loved, but it only makes me happy. Because it makes him happy. And anyone that makes him happy is okay in my book. Well, almost anyone. Richard Simmons? Probably not.

ANYWAY, it was so good to be in the city. I felt as if I were a sponge soaking it up – the diversity, the weird conversations I overheard, the traffic, the new buildings, I loved it all. And it hit me. I WANT TO BE HERE. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? We’ve thought about it before, we were worried about how big Atlanta has become. And indeed, it is large. We worried about the traffic. Yes, there is a lot. But it feels so nice to be there. We have a history there. That’s where we met, where we lived when we were married, where we went to college. I know that it is a large city with many problems. I know it is crowded, but I love it. And M does, too. It is close enough to the mountains, close enough to the beach, close enough to M’s aunt and uncle, and still close enough to all of the things a city has to offer. And now that I’m not in contact with my mother, I don’t have to worry about her running my life. I think that had to happen before I could fully embrace moving there. And I’m so ready.

So, we are going to start looking at jobs next March or so, and we are going to start researching good day care options now. We are still trying to figure out exactly where in Atlanta we want to live, and then I’ll pinpoint where to look for jobs. But we are excited. Rental prices are the same as here in Hooterville – and the selection is a lot larger.

I really think that we’ll settle in there. We’ve already shown a lot of progress in the fact that we haven’t run back to Denver, like we usually do. We know that neither of us likes the cold weather. I know that M’s aunt and uncle (we call them the grandparents) love S so much, we don’t want to take him away from that. If we didn’t try it out, we’d always regret it. And, we've got a reputation to uphold. Can't go more than a year and a half and not move, can we?

I'm giddy

2008-11-06T07:35:00.002-07:00

I feel such a surge of pride to be in my country. I haven’t felt that in a while. And it feels good. Being here in the heart of conservative country, I can’t discuss it with anyone. I have to hide my joy. But even so, I’m very joyful. Just the thought that so many people in our country looked at the issues at hand, not at the color of his skin.
After seeing so many elderly African Americans at the polls, who made a great effort to get there, I realized just how much I take for granted every day. Yes, here in Hooterville, I am the victim of some forms of prejudice because I’m a woman, but they are nothing compared to what most of these people have faced in their lives, especially living here. And it is still rampant; the first thing my husband’s boss did yesterday morning upon coming in to work was to raise his hands in the air and declare “White Power!” – yeah, good stuff. Until you live in the heart of all that the sterotypes are made of, you don’t realize how little really has changed in all this time. This evidence that, for most of the country, this is a thing of the past, has given many people a tiny glimpse of hope. And what could be bad about that?

I look forward to the day that I can try to explain to my son what this election meant to so many people. I ordered a yard sign today (half price!), just to pack away and show him someday. It will probably take him a while to appreciate it, but I know that someday he will.

Not to mention that I fully believe this man can do it, and has the sense to surround himself with others that can do it, that WANT to do it. I’m excited to see what will unfold.

Yippee!!

Please, please, let me get what I want

2008-11-04T14:41:00.002-07:00

Election Day! I went to the local city hall. I waited for about an hour in line. The ballot was manual, meaning that I had to actually fill in the oval, like an SAT test. The people in line were all very pleasant, sharing pens, making polite conversation, laughing about how we all meant to apply for absentee ballots. And there is a bakery right by the city hall, so I was fueled by a cookie completely frosted with pumpkin colored icing. It really wasn’t a bad experience at all.

But all day, I’ve had a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Please, please, please let Obama win. I honestly don’t know if I can take it if he doesn’t. I hate to sound like a whiny child, wanting to get what I want or pitch a tantrum. I know that is what it sounds like.. But let me say that I was so, so angry with the American people after the last election. I really couldn’t imagine what the heck happened. It was so clear to me. But all of my co workers were totally Bushified, and no amount of logic worked, so I’m sure the rest of the country was, too. I’m sure I wouldn’t change my mind because of something my coworker said, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Of course, today, here in corporate culture of fear land, no one says a word about which way they might lean. So, I’ll have to wait until tonight to see how things go. I’m nervous. I’m somewhat excited, but I was last time as well, only to be terribly, terribly disappointed.

Speaking of which, so, so, so not pregnant. Despite being 5 DAYS LATE. Bite me, whoever is in charge of that. Just …Bite me. And get me another frosted pumpkin cookie, post haste.

A year ago today

2008-10-29T13:05:00.003-06:00

A year ago was my last day at my old job in Denver. The movers were packing up our house. They came the next day and finished up, we must’ve run some errands, tried to clean somewhat, and then went to the hotel. The next morning we had to get up really early so M could take S and me to the airport. I remember that it was snowing, and we laughed about it, about how glad we were to leave the snow behind.

I remember that S was so small, but he seemed so big then! I remember having him in the over the shoulder baby holder sling. He was very, very good the whole time. Until the flight attendant on the plane to Chattanooga made me take him out of it during take off. He wasn’t happy about that. But then I put him back in once we got up in the air, and he was very happy. I think I fed him a bottle. And I remember the person next to me marveling at how I put the bottle together and mixed the formula with one hand. I hadn’t really thought about it, and then I thought “Yeah, that is pretty wild, I’ve really adapted to this!”

Mostly I remember how nice people were. The young college age guy offering his spot in line so that I could get through easier, saying “You’ve got your hands a lot more full than mine!”, the TSA guy that helped me with the stroller and diaper bag, by getting it all together for me and carrying it to a table from the conveyor belt. The nice older ladies that offered to help me while I was packing everything up. The wonderful men that helped me with the stroller pickup at the gates when we arrived. The man that carried my stroller for me up two flights of stairs at the Chattanooga airport. I was touched by these actions, and I hope I have the chance to show someone else the same kindness. I hope if I’m on a plane with a fussy baby, I have the ability and opportunity to help. To take the stress off of someone when they really need it, rather than roll my eyes and add to it. Each one of these people could’ve turned their noses up and gone about their day, but they really made an effort. And that touched me in a way nothing has in a long time. It is nice to remember.

In an effort to keep this nice feeling going, I'm going to try to list at least one nice thing someone has done for me this week. I focus all too easily on the negative. I'm going to make myself focus on the positive, for five minutes a week, at least. Then I can go back to bitching and moaning.

Just a little patience, yeah, yeah (with apologies to Axl Rose)

2008-10-21T12:30:00.002-06:00

M got a job, by the way. We can now pay our bills, and actually put money into savings at the same time! The absence of that worry is sheer bliss. I cannot put into words the amount of room left over when stress and worry packed up their stuff and moved out. Hopefully to an Eastern bloc country, where they will never be granted permission to leave the country again.

Of course, I have a new thing to obsess about, but this is something I don’t really mind obsessing about…

So, I’m in the midst of the Two Week Wait. I didn’t really think much about it while we were actively “trying”, but now that I know it is a possibility, I’m very impatient. I tested yesterday and (so sad) this morning, but really it is too early. I’m not due to start until Sunday, why can’t I just wait and see if AF comes to visit? Because I can’t, that’s why! I am so freaking impatient about it. And after last time, you’d think I’d rather just wait a while, not get excited only to wind up crushed by another chemical pregnancy. But here I am, caught deeply in the throes of suspense induced craziness.

I keep thinking, I have this symptom! And this, and this! And then I realize that cramps, bloating and crabbiness are also signs that I’m NOT pregnant. So, I’m sitting here trying to talk myself out of testing tomorrow. I almost went and bought more tests, but I haven’t. The only one I have left is a digital, and I really prefer the non digital ones, as they are available for advanced Is That A Line analysis (this type of analysis is related to Could It Have Been A Line In A Previous Life, and Maybe That Test Is Defective, I Should Take Another One Just To Be Sure analysis).

So, I’m hoping that will give me enough to go on to wait until Friday. But probably not. Who am I kidding? If I had one with me, I’d probably be testing in the bathroom here at work (which I have done in the past, yes I have a problem) Why oh why do I do this to myself? Aaahhh! And how in the heck am I supposed to work while going through this? Oh that’s right, I’m NOT working, I’m writing this…

I’m sure I could make a short trip to Target without anyone noticing, right? Right?

The Eyes Have It

2008-10-15T12:13:00.001-06:00

So, I’m part of a new team now, and my new team lead came over to have the introductory meeting. He is a very nice guy, but I am presented with a very stressful obstacle: the maverick eye.
Which eye is the one that actually has vision? Or do they both have vision and the fact that I’m focusing on the one eye that seems normal means that I’m discriminating against the other eye just because it doesn’t actually look at me? I found myself constantly switching back and forth between them.
I finally came to a place where I had some peace about just looking into the good eye, and willfully ignoring the urge to look at the bad one for a second (just like when someone says don’t think about elephants, and that’s all you can think about). I was reaching my optimum rhythm with the conversation and was discoursing on what particular areas I manage and how those could be optimized. I’m doing well, I thought. I’m great! Look at my communication skills! I was really gaining speed. And then, suddenly, IT happened.

The eyes switched. The bad eye became the good one, and vice versa. I was a goner.

Why didn't I join the Army when I had the chance?

2008-10-10T12:09:00.000-06:00

My cube is right next to the clerical’s desk, and the supply cabinet is almost directly behind me. This incredibly desirable location comes with many features like:

1)Hearing every phone call the clerical receives and initiates. This includes those wonderful personal conversations. She’s pregnant AND has a kid she is trying to toilet train. No conversation before 10 in the morning should include the word ‘grunt’, you know what I mean? And I’m not really interested in the state of your bowel movements, thank you. I was pregnant, too, and no one except for my poor beleaguered husband was clued in to the state of my intestines. And, believe it or not, if you repeat something exactly as your kid says it twenty times, it just isn’t cute. It may, however, result in a stapler being thrown over my cube wall and **accidentally** embedding itself into your forehead.

2)Being a part of every trip to the supply cabinet. The cabinet is metal, so when the door is opened, it makes a loud clanging sound. Then, if the person stands there for a few minutes, the clerical will ask them if they need some help finding something. More times than not, it is something that they would NEVER find in the supply cabinet. I’ve heard people looking for stamps, toilet paper, clothes hangers, nail clippers, nail polish remover, and Vaseline(I don’t want to know).

3)Providing visual stimulation to my coworkers. If the clerical is busy, and someone is waiting for her to become not busy, they like to stand directly in my cubicle “doorway” and stare over my shoulder at my monitor. I installed a mirror on my monitor after finding one too many of them standing there, silently, and completely without my knowledge. Creepy.

In addition the person in the cube right next to mine is a real class act. He likes to talk about EVERYONE behind their back, is extremely paranoid, and loves to talk FOREVER about things you don’t want to know about him. I know when his wife had her IUD removed to try for another child, I know the night that they tried, and that she is pregnant now. I know the entire plan for his big drain rerouting project in his yard. Every time one of the bosses comes by to speak to me about something, he always comes over to tell me all of the bad things that the boss has done to him in the past. Yesterday he announced that he was “going to go poop”. Either they won’t talk to me at all, or they talk WAAAYY too much.

The economy is falling! The economy is falling!

2008-10-01T07:36:00.001-06:00

The economy is spinning like a hippie girl at a Grateful Dead concert. All of this hoopla over the bailout of failing banks, insurance companies and trading firms has me feeling very conflicted. Part of me says, “Let ‘em fail, I don’t need credit!”, but I think the issue is deeper than that. From what I gather, when we start looking at no one having the ability to borrow money, it is going to cause a lot of companies to fail. Some companies use credit on a daily basis, based on a profit they will make in the future, or some companies use credit to make payroll, finance new construction, etc. If these companies fail, people lose jobs, and don’t have as much money to put back into the economy by buying things from other companies, and then THOSE companies fail, and the dog that the old lady swallowed to eat the cat to eat the mouse to eat the frog to eat the fly (I don’t know why she swallowed the fly, I guess she’ll die) will fail, too.

NPR had an economist on and he was part of a group of economists that don’t believe a bailout is necessary. His argument was that credit would be available, but it would be harder to get a loan, and interest would be higher. People would have to pay CASH for things, my goodness! And he did have an interesting point. But I think at this point it is all just opinion, no one really knows what would happen if no bailout occurred. Maybe it is safer to spend the 700 billion just to be on the safe side. I like eating, you know?

But it really does tick me off that these executives are walking away with millions and billions of dollars. I think they should be forced to have very, very low incomes if they are to be bailed out, and heck, why not through in some community service, too? And make them do a chicken dance on national television. Something along those lines. Because I don’t think they should get off scott free. I don’t think they should be allowed to keep their Manhattan penthouses and limousines, they should have to do as we did, and move to an armpit, so that they can afford to live.

When I got pregnant with S, we were having some financial difficulty, and had been for a while. We were making the mortgage payment, but not some others, and it was iffy every month. We knew when S came along, we could not afford day care, and that one of us would have to stay home. I spoke with the mortgage company on many occasions, explaining that we were looking at being about 500$ short of our payment amount (on a 2,000 payment), and was there any way to make reduced payments until our son got old enough to make day care more reasonable, say like a year? They wouldn’t even consider it. Nope, we won’t do it, I was told. They wouldn’t even ACCEPT part of a payment. I couldn’t fathom that they wouldn’t take some money, even if it wasn’t the whole thing. No wonder the fing banks are failing. Hello?!

We tried to sell the house, but with no luck. So, we packed up and moved to a much smaller, cheaper town across the country. We were lucky enough to do a short sale, and the bank took a $10,000 hit on the loan. But they weren’t helpful at all when I asked about the short sale program. I talked to three people and got three different explanations. Luckily, I was contacted by a realtor who specialized in short sales, and he handled everything.

I would love to still be in Denver, I miss it so badly some days. But we did what we needed to do to be able to live. You would think the mortgage companies would show the same flexibility – but I guess not.

Over it!

2008-09-26T08:20:00.000-06:00

So, my relationship with my family is weird. Strained, disjointed, and weird. I have a brother 3 and a half years older than me, I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over 13 years.

My mother and I, oh my goodness I don’t know where to start. Basically, every once in a while, we kind of function. The rest of the time, she is either trying to make me feel guilty for not doing what she wants me to do for her, or is putting down my husband (who, by the way, is really pretty AWESOME) or my father. She also likes to spout off about how whatever I think or believe is wrong. She is seriously crazy. Very unpredictable, and sometimes quite scary.

M’s aunt and uncle have been in the picture quite a lot lately, have taken quite an interest in Sam. I’m quite surprised by our relationship with them. It is so easy. There is no constant drama . His aunt actually called to check on me this week, just once, not enough to worry me about invading my privacy, to make sure I was doing okay with M out of town. I’m speechless really when I try to convey to them how grateful I am.

I think they think I am joking, they just can’t imagine that I’ve never had someone with whom I didn’t have to constantly be a diplomat, trying to pick out the correct way to say something so that it couldn’t be twisted against me. I had to take a “personality” analysis for my employment here, and my top skill was diplomacy. They were quite impressed at this, as I guess it was a fairly rare skill to have in the technical field. I wasn’t surprised at all.
Since about 7 years of age, I’ve had to carefully construct anything I had to say, or it would be used against me. She could be tender, loving at times, but you never knew when. Some days, she would wake up, push my brother and I out the door, and say “I don’t want to be a mother today, get out and don’t come back!” I’m not exaggerating.

Luckily, we lived on a bit of land, and my brother and I would explore for a while. Sometimes we could come back and listen and tell if she was asleep, so we could sneak back in and get lunch. I became so afraid of making her mad that I lost the ability to show anger. About anything. When I went to drug rehab at the age of 16, they tried everything to get me to show anger, even falsely accusing me of doing something against the rules that resulted in my losing privileges. I just couldn’t do it; I didn’t realize how weird that was at the time.

When I was about 11 or 12, and my father moved out, my mother quit being a mother completely. My brother, who was disgusted by my very existence, and dealing with the trauma on his own, was no comfort or help, nor should he have been. I started cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. I dreaded when I would have to tell her that we needed groceries. She was the only one with a driver’s license, so I didn’t have any other options.

It was a horrible time. I felt lonely, abandoned. I couldn’t do much socially, as she would get so angry if I asked her to pick me up from anywhere. I’ll never forget a slumber party I attended once. She got lost on the way there, and had to call for directions. When she got there, all the girls from the party and the parents were standing out on the front porch. The other parents that had come to pick up their children came up and introduced themselves to the party giver’s parents, and thanked them. I was waiting for her to do the same, but instead, she rolled down the window and said, “Get in the Godd****d car!”. Everyone shuffled around nervously and avoided eye contact as I made me way to the car, dreading the verbal assault that awaited me.

I think that lasted about three years? My father wasn’t any help, he was newly married with a new baby, and really didn’t want anything to do with his old kids. It probably didn’t help that our mother had us call him to ask about the alimony payments if they were a few days late.

When she finally decided that she was ready to come out of her bedroom, she wanted to be the Mom again. It ticked me off. It still ticks me off. She left us to be on our own for years, and then suddenly, we’re supposed to respect and obey her again? Maybe that is the crux of my problems with her; I’ll never fully forgive her for it. I feel guilty because I don’t feel any real love for her, and she is a pitiful person. So, I try to act the part even though I don’t feel it.

And since then, she’s “sick”, which translates to her doing nothing but smoking, sitting on the couch playing video games, and collecting money on disability. And complaining. This has gone on for years. Every time she doesn’t want to do something, she’s “sick”. She didn’t attend my wedding or my college graduation. She was “sick”. Maybe that should be my excuse for not dealing with her. I’m “sick”. And tired of her!

I haven’t spoken with her for almost a month now, and this has been one of the most peaceful months I can remember.

I remember being worried about being a good parent for Sam, before he came along. And now I know that it won’t be hard to outdo my childhood.

Know When to Hold 'Em

2008-09-04T08:25:00.001-06:00

I hate to think of missed opportunities. With all of the times we’ve moved, I feel like we’ve missed out on so many things that could’ve materialized if we had stayed put. Friendships that could’ve become strong, the paths of our lives could’ve taken different turns if we had been somewhere else. I wish I could say I was one of those people that said ‘I wouldn’t do anything different, where I ended up is where I’m supposed to be”, but I’m not. I’m not talking about my marriage, or my son. Both of those things are the best parts of my life. But I suffer from a constant second guessing, always wondering what if we had stayed here, or not moved here, I had taken that job instead of this one…

It is such a contrast to most of the people here. Most lived here all of their lives, went to school here, got a job and have stayed in it for years, and plan to stay there for years. It never occurs to them to look for something different. I’m not sure if they are perfectly happy with the way things are, or they just don’t think there is anything they can do about it. While I have been able to experience and see things that most of these people don’t even know exist, I envy them their stability. And I sometimes think that if I can just make myself stay put for a while, it will “stick”, and I won’t want to go anywhere else. But then I get a little nudge, a little scratch in the outer edges of my mind that says, “do not settle”, and I start questioning why we are here, why I am doing what I do for a living, etc. And I wonder how to change it.

I guess you could say I’m wiling to gamble on new opportunities, I mean having a baby is the biggest gamble of all, and that paid off BIGTIME. What I’m trying to figure out is if I will ever get to a point where I’m ready to count my losses and step away from the table. And if I should event try to get to that point.

Cue the goats

2008-08-19T06:52:00.001-06:00

I don’t dream often; usually I go right into deep sleep, since I never get enough. But when I do dream, it is pretty entertaining. Take my last one:

Playboy calls me and says they are doing a “spread” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) on the “everyday” woman, and they want me to be a part of it. The dream did not address how they got my number, or the fact that I never answer my phone if I don’t know the number, but anyway… So, I talk to my husband, and he’s all “Yeah, my woman’s going to be in Playboy!” , and it’s all set. We go to the shoot, and they slather makeup on my body, and while they’re doing it, I’m not self conscious at all about being naked, but then I look down. And realize that I forgot to shave. Not my legs. And it is this huge, 70’s era porn bush that looks as if a shitzu is sitting on my lap.

I’m all like ‘Oh my God, I forgot to shave!”, Yeah, for like ten years, apparently. So, I’m trying to be all non chalant and giving my husband the “Hey, come here” head movement, and I whisper to him the situation. At which he looks down (why he wouldn’t have looked before I have no idea) and has a reaction exactly the same as if he’d seen a lion gnawing on my leg. I excuse myself to the restroom, and go through the drawers and find a razor. The size of a postage stamp.

Luckily, I woke up after that. I’m not sure what would’ve happened, as it would’ve taken a herd of goats a week to get through that.

2008-08-18T12:52:00.003-06:00

What a really nice weekend. And very busy, but I felt so satisfied on Sunday night. I hate those weekends when you end up rushing around trying to get things done on Sunday night, like coming up on a deadline for a term paper that you’ve put off until the last minute. And even though I hadn’t ironed clothes for work, or put our clothes away, or completed a multitude of other tasks, I still felt very…contented, I guess you would say.

We had a great 1st birthday party, our child could officially start his own eBay toy store. And it seems that most of them talk or sing to him, which he loves. I wish we loved it as much! It was fun watching him dig into the cake. He didn’t like it very much, which prompted my husband to ask for a DNA test, post haste. We both love sugar so much that I’ve contemplated building a shrine to it in our bedroom. Made entirely out of sugar cubes and gum drops. Sort of like the house in Hansel and Gretel. But without the oven baked children, thank you very much (how did that not freak me out when I was a kid? I don’t remember even being particularly scared by it)

Because of the proliferation of electronic voices in our house, we decided to go low tech and get him a sandbox and an outdoor swing. Both of which will be big hits, I’m sure.

In other news, I moved the horse to a closer place, which is stressful for me and him. The barn where I keep my tack is completely empty, and it is so strange, the only feeling I can compare it to is this: once, when a bored and reckless teenager, a group of us broke into the school one night during summer. It was very eery… a place that is usually so full of noise and commotion was entirely and perfectly still and quiet. It was very unnerving. As was the custodian who busted us. Oops.

A barn is usually very noisy, horses stomping, whinnying, snorting, etc. And in the main barn, that is exactly how it is. But in this one, it is full of the Scooby Doo haunted theme park vibe. Very silent. Lots of empty stalls where many, many horses spent a good bit of their lives, back in the day. There is a room with a hot walker in it, and if that thing starts going on its own one day, God help me. I’m going to store away a Bible and crucifix, just in case. And make sure that I'm with a cuter, scantily clad girl. They always bite it first.

But aside from that, it is a very nice place, with lots of great hayfields and pasture to ride in, wide open, which I really like. And they have a huge arena, which will be great for working on my riding and getting Charlie back in shape. And it is ten minutes away, compared to the hour I was driving. I was gone a total of 1 hr 40 minutes yesterday, had time to unload my tack, groom him and ride and then drive home. Compared to the three and a half to four hours it used to take me. I found myself trying to drive really fast to get home, and I had to stop myself, to remember that it was only a ten minute drive. And I literally felt a weight come off of my shoulders. It is amazing how you can get so used to carrying around a 25 pound ball of lead and not even know it.

Here’s to shedding all of those weights I’m unwittingly carrying around. And hoping I don't replace them with doughnuts. Or, more likely, birthday cake.

A Year Ago Today

2008-08-13T09:18:00.001-06:00

A year ago today, I went to my appointment, where they stripped my membranes and said if something didn’t happen by the end of the week (this was on a Monday), they would start to consider inducing. When she said this, I actually teared up. I wanted to have this baby already! This was my due date, after all. They did the non stress test, due to blood pressure issues, and something made them check with an ultrasound, to see amniotic fluid levels. The nurse said it looked like I was going to get my wish – and ten minutes later the nurse practitioner was telling me to check in at the hospital, and the doctor’s name, and Mike was frantically calling the kennel to see if they had space for the dogs, and realizing that I STILL hadn’t finished packing my bag (even though he had nagged me about it for weeks), and wow, and ohmygod, and wow and this is the last time we’ll ride in this car alone for a long, long time, ohmygod, call my boss to say I’m having a baby today, ohmygod, wow.
Checked in, got into my pimped out suite, changed into my gown, and Mike went to take the dogs to the kennel, finish packing my bag, call everyone to say ohmygod we’re having a baby, ohmygod, and worrying that somehow I was going to have the baby during the two hours he was gone. I remember lying there, thinking, let’s get this show on the road! They gave me a iv of fluids, which kind of sucked because I wasn’t able to walk around when the pains really started up. They did it so I’d be hydrated for the Pitocin. But guess what? I didn’t need the Pitocin. They inserted misoprostol, the contactions came, and boy! Were they close together, and STRONG! Fast forward to csection, and hearing our boy cry for the first time. It is unbelievable that a year has gone by. Our lives are completely and totally different. I thought I would miss our old life more, and there are times when it is hard to want to do something for yourself, but something with him at the same time, but we love being his parents. We love his little melon head, the vision of the top of it floating by as he crawls around the den, usually carrying a toy in one hand, and headed for the next place to pull up and cruise. I love seeing him first thing the morning, standing up in his sleepsack, all sleepy eyed, and his face bursts into a smile upon seeing me. I love watching him in the bath, splashing, and trying to grab the water in his hand and drink it. I love hearing him say “hey” to the cat and dog, and his mangled pronounciation of the words “kitty” and “doggie”. I love that no matter how hard I’ll try to get him to say “MaMa”, he’ll look me right in the eye and say “Daddy”. Most of all I love that fact he exists. Our lives are so much better for it. Our lives have more joy, more worry and more meaning now. I love him honestly more than I could have even imagined. What a year! And I hope we have many, many more.

Worth It All

2008-08-06T09:47:00.001-06:00

We are struggling. Money is so tight right now, we actually gathered up change last night to deposit into our checking account. Luckily, there was quite a bit of change, but what if there hadn’t been? We are so tired of living paycheck to paycheck. It wasn’t always like this, and it is hard sometimes to remember “back when”. But jobs changed, salaries changed, and our debts stayed the same. Much of our drive behind moving back here was that the cost of living was so much lower, it would be easier to get back on our feet. We have gotten up almost to our knees a couple of times, only to be beaten back down. We have come to the realization that M has to find a job. And there are no jobs in his field to be had here in this small town.

I’ve got three more months until my obligation to my employer is finished, and then I’m free to move if need be. And I think we’ll have to. I really am not thrilled at the thought, but I’m not sure what else to do. Literally, we are down to our last bit of money. We were supposed to start daycare on the 11th, and we don’t have enough for that even, so we have to put it off. This current crunch is because a commission check that M should’ve had a week ago still isn’t here, and it doesn’t look like it will be here for a while. But even without that circumstance, we are still living very precariously. And we are both tired of it. So, if we have to live somewhere not so great for a while until we can actually get on our feet again, so be it. I just hope we can get there before it is too late.

S turns one a week from tomorrow, and I can’t believe it. One! After all we’ve been through, I don’t regret one second of it. It was all worth it. Every time I look at that little boy’s face, my heart grows two sizes. I mean it. As mushy as it is, he really does make it all worthwhile. And when I look at his face, I know that the struggles we face right now will get better. And it will all be worth it.

Waiting to settle in

2008-06-25T19:21:00.004-06:00

We are renting a house in a very trendy area of Chattanooga, it is very close to a lot of the things we like. It is also a little too close to things we don't like, for instance the house next door that gets rented out nightly for parties. We were unaware of this situation when we rented the house, and the first weekend after we moved in, we noticed that the formerly empty house was suddenly inundated with cars and people. Every weekend, and some weeknights, there has been a large gathering. And almost every gathering has required that my husband go over and ask them to keep it down, as the baby's room is practically part of the house next door. Usually, folks are apologetic and usually quiet down, or take it inside, which solves the problem. Sometimes, it doesn't work out that way, and we have to call the police. I could handle it if it happened once a month, but every single weekend is really not good.

So, we're moving again. We found a GREAT place, very large, screened porch, a little more out in the country, large lot, more separated from neighbors, and very close to baby's daycare. It seemed too easy, and we are both worried that something will fall through. Provided that it doesn't, we move in about two and a half weeks. We found the house about two weeks ago. So, we've been living with one foot here and one foot there, so to speak. This is beginning to wear on us, we're tired of this ready-at-a-moment's-notice type of lifestyle. I hope this place provides us a more permanent state of mind.

Nashville Star Confessions

2008-06-23T20:19:00.004-06:00

I am going to make this terrible confession: I am hooked on Nashville Star.
I am currently watching. I love to root for my favorites, and I love to criticize the ones I don't like. Who could ask for more?
Gabe is my favorite. I just LOVE his voice, and he just seems like such a sweet guy.

I'm watching Melissa, Justin, and Tommy stand there to find out who is going home. Melissa was looking at Justin like "If I get sent home, I'm going to kiss you square on the mouth." I really like her, though. I hope she doesn't get voted off. As a fellow big girl, I have to root for my team, you know. She's doing True Colors. I'm a little afraid. It sounds really good, I'm not sure if it will be "country" enough. I'm crossing my fingers for her, because homegirl can SING!

Yea! She did well, the judges basically fell on the floor and rolled over to get their belly rubbed by her.

It is down to Justin and Tommy. M and I are both hoping that they won't let them sing again. Do they sing again, or just get booted? I can't remember.c?!

Oh no, they do let them sing again. What is up with those awful really low vneck tshirts? They are horrible. Girls just want to have fun -- oh dear God. No way, he can sing! No way, no way. This is really good! I really didn't think he could carry a tune. Did Geoff really have to eat the paper? Jewel honey, why are you wearing Saturn's rings on your ears? I had to turn my negativity on the judges, I was so ready to unleash it on Justin.

Tommy: OMG. Maniac?! Wow. Oh my. He can't sing. At all. This is BADDDDDD. BAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD. The backup dancers! So bad. I can't wait for the judge's comments.

I personally can't sing at all, short of lullabies to S. That makes it even more fun to criticize. Just like those gymnastics commentators. I LOVE them. They are always jumping on any sort of mistake, "Oh Elke, that is going to cost an entire point, that is just unforgivable at this level. You know when I was in the Olympics in 1964, you would've just gone out and lit yourself on fire if you had done that." It is the greatest.

I actually watched the gymnastics Olympics qualifier thing last night, and I always go into it thinking I just want to watch the mistakes, and then about five minutes into it, I start wincing when they make one. I'm such a big cheeseball, I really want all of them to do well. And were it not for my love of watching Olympic gymnastics, I couldn't have perfected the Kerri Strugg hop when getting up from the couch while 9 months pregnant. Yes, it got funnier every time.

Poor Justin! He did so well this time too. Oh well, he still has his modeling career. Oh Billy Ray, the words need to stop coming out of your mouth.

Time to hit the hay --

Actual conversation today

2008-06-21T15:37:00.003-06:00

Driving down the road:
Me: 10 to 1 that is a camel toe situation!
Me: Actually, I'm calling camel toe fanny pack combo...
Him: I'm saying a definite camel toe -- I'm a maybe on the fanny pack.
Me: I think if it were both, it might be a sign, you know, like that white buffalo and the Native Americans said it was a sign that they would come back to power?
Him: So, you think that camel toe/fanny pack people would rise again?
Me: It's a distinct possibility.

I'm so glad our son isn't old enough to repeat what we say.

My old pal the Pill

2008-06-19T18:29:00.003-06:00

I haven't been on the pill since October of 2005. I didn't realize it had been that long, but apparently it has. I start up again this Sunday, and it is a strange feeling. Like the end of an era. I've been either obsessed with trying to get pregnant or keeping a pregnancy for two and a half years, or in ovulation obsessed years, forever. Now that I have a baby, that era is over. I honestly think that is why EVERY month I convince myself that I'm pregnant. It has become a way of life for me. And I'm finally ready to let it go, to get back to being myself. If I can remember who that was. And hopefully she's been away at a spa all of this time, and is thinner, happier and incredibly popular.
Did you see the spot on the Today show about the lady who's metal ornament on her thong flew off and hit her in the eye? She is suing Victoria's Secret. Boy howdy.

My job is quite the interesting place -- the men there want nothing to do with the women there. Some of them talk to me, but only about as much as they need to. They go to coffee every day, but never invite me. I've started saying completely weird things out loud, just to see if anyone will say anything, like "Why would you want to do THAT with a cow?" and so far no one has gone for it. I need to get more creative, I guess. I love a challenge.

Crazy comes for a visit

2008-06-18T19:00:00.003-06:00

Wow, it has been too long. We went on a fantastic vacation to the beach. It was fabulous, wonderful, and everything a vacation should be. We were nervous about traveling with the little bugaboo, but overall he was great.

In our true fashion, we immediately decided we should move to the beach. And of course, I started posting my resume. And of course, had a phone interview which resulted in the company asking when I could fly out to interview. And ASTOUNDINGLY, we talked about it and decided to ride it out a bit longer here. Here's to being an adult -- at least for now.

I'm watching the coverage on the announcement that Tiger Woods is going to be out for the rest of the season. They are interviewing all of these other PGA guys about it, and they all have the same look in their eyes, the one that says "Hey, maybe I'll actually make some money this year!", while they are saying how sorry they are that he'll be out. I'd love it if someone would just come out and say that. It would be much more interesting!

Tell me why if I'm two days past my usual period start date, even if I've used birth control and don't particularly want to be pregnant, I feel compelled to take the darned test. And I still feel a little disappointed when it is a negative, even though I was VERY worried that I might be. I really can't wait to get back on the Pill. It leaves so much less window for Crazy to sneak in.

Bad Week

2008-05-17T14:25:00.002-06:00

Monday May 12 8:15pm
Positive pregnancy test. Mike goes out to get more, just to make sure.
Yep! They are all positive. We are very happy, and very in shock.
Tues May13
ask a coworker about what doctor she used when she had her baby. She of course asks if I'm pregnant, and after swearing her to secrecy, I tell her.
I make an appointment with the doctor, two weeks from now.
Wed, Thurs
still pregnant, starting to get a little excited about the prospect
Friday 9pm
That afternoon, I tell my husband that I have a bad feeling about this pregnancy for some reason, maybe I'm trying to be cautious. I go to the bathroom. Bright red blood, clots, etc. Cue the violin music.
And the bleeding begins. I'm cramping, not terribly so, and bleeding, not terribly so. This is definitely a LOT easier than miscarrying at 16 weeks. I'm sad, but the timing sucked, and if it had to go, I'd rather it go earlier rather than later. We're talking about trying maybe after Sam turns a year old.
I'm okay. Sad at times, but then I look at my sweet little baby boy, and I know we'll be okay.

Catching Up

2008-02-02T07:46:00.001-07:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I've posted. My workplace shut me down, so I have been so incredibly lazy about updating my own blog. But I think it is time to start up again. And I want to reinvent it somewhat, make it more than just a daily journal. I'd like to try out my storytelling skills. Believe me, I'm in the land of good fodder for all kinds of commentary. God help me.
I just saw a preview for a show called Criminal Minds. The criminal was shown rubbing his face on a woman's feet, and saying "they're softer than I remember". Does having a foot fetish make you a scarier ciminal? I know nothing strikes fear in my heart more than having someone rub their face on my foot. Although I would immediately think about how long it has been since I washed my feet. So my fear of foot rejection would be stronger than my fear of strange foot fetish man doing something strange with my toe cleavage.
This is not an irrational fear, I'm looking at my three week old nail polish, my toenail that still hasn't finished growing out completely from the Broken Toe Incident a year ago, and I have hairs growing out of my toes. Yes. Like a Hobbit. I do shave them, once a month whether they need it or not. I'm a high class lady.
I want to start posting pictures, but we moved two months ago, and I still can't find the cable for my camera. Or any of my jogbras. Or half of my tshirts. I did locate all pets and the baby. So, I'm farther ahead than I could be. I'm sure I'll find these items just in time to pack them all up and move again.

I'm obviously trying to find my rythm here, and it may be a little bumpy until I get there.

Shut Down by THE MAN

2007-12-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

I was at work, and went to do my daily browse of blogs, and suddenly, anything blogspot is blocked. So, this means I actually have to find time to browse the web on my own time! What kind of world is it where I can't get paid to browse the web for my own personal enjoyment?
Christmas is sort of like nearing the end of pregnancy. It is coming, whether I'm ready or not. And I, most assuredly am not! I ordered a couple of things and none of them are going to be here on time. We just moved to Chattanooga, and we are in an old, old neighborhood, I think it was established in 1870 or something. At any rate, the mail carrier will NOT deliver mail unless we put up a mailbox at the end of our two foot driveway. Since we are renting, we can't really do this, so we got a PO box. That is good unless UPS is delivering, then you have to give them the physical address. Guess what? One shipper decided to send USPS (despite the fact that they said they were using UPS), so they won't deliver to my physical address. There is a forwarding order, which means it will be weeks until I see this gift. Arrrgggghhh. Merry Christmas, and all that. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, I know.

Husband is getting more okay with staying home with S. He is doing a great job with him, and I know it must be so hard to be isolated most of the time. S is apparently huge, being 15lbs and 26 inches at 4 months. The doctor seemed to think so, anyway. He is healthy, really starting to chug down the rice cereal, and is such a HAPPY boy. We cannot wait for Christmas! We got an exersaucer last night, the real fun begins when we have to put it together. I wish so much that I owned a video camera so that I could've taped the Assembly of the High Chair. There is always the obligatory "I'm going to throw this thing out of the window" even though we both know that it won't happen. My favorite part is afterwards, when he says "that wasn't very hard!" I'm laughing now just thinking of it.

We are really liking Chattanooga, it is a neat town. And I love the fact that I'm sitting here typing this listening to birds singing outside. The high is like 60 today. I think it is snowing in Denver. I really, really don't like the cold!

I have to brave Christmas shopping today, as two gifts won't be here, and we can't find our stockings or tree skirt. I get to spend the day alone with Spud as Husband is shopping too. I love it, I get to hog him all to myself. All the snuggles, giggles, and raspberries are directed at ME and me alone!

Also, I actually got a comment. I was thinking of bronzing it, as it will probably be the only one I ever get!

Another Adventure

2007-10-25T11:16:00.000-06:00

And so we embark on another adventure...
We're moving back to Chattanooga. The movers come Monday, I fly out with Munchkin on the 31st (Happy Halloween!). H is driving out with the dogs and the cat, bless his heart. I'm going back to work for the same company I worked for before, but in a different department. I'll be making as much money as I am here, plus the boost from having no state income tax.
We found a beautiful, 100 year old house, and I can't wait to move in. It is in sort of a dicey neighborhood, but every house on our street has been redone, so hopefully it won't be too bad where we are. It is an incredible house, really my dream house.
My last day here at work is Tues, the 30th. I'm trying to get as much money as possible on my last paycheck. I hate moving so much, and we don't really have much money, so it is kind of hard. But I think it will be worth it. It has already snowed here, and I say Bleeccchhhh! Plus, I want the Munchkin to be closer to his grandparents-- they certainly make a fuss over him.

Sleep, wonderful sleep!

2007-10-05T09:04:00.000-06:00

Sam slept from 9:30 until 4:00 this morning, straight through. It scared me a little when I woke up, but he was fine. He drank down 5 oz of formula, snuggled for a little bit, then I laid him back down. When I left at 7:30, he still hadn't wakened. I think he is okay, just changing his schedule up a bit. It was wonderful to have had that much sleep last night!
I think we are going to move to Chattanooga again. We flew out last Sunday to interview with BCBST with the same lady I used to work for. They called yesterday morning to make me an offer, for 63K. I just got a raise here up to 63 K! So, if it works out, it will be a good thing. There is no state income tax in TN, so automatically that is a 3% raise right there. Also, they will pay for someone to come out and pack up our house, and move us, and unpack at the new house. Much easier to move that way with a baby!
While we were there, Sam got to meet my mother and Mike's stepdad and aunt. Seeing their reactions really made us feel that moving closer would be beneficial for everyone -- Sam would be closer to his family, to be spoiled rotten as he deserves to be! We would have a support system, not that we would drop him off to be babysat every week, but it is nice to know that there are people around in case we need them.
Sam goes for his 8 week appointment next Tuesday, he gets his first set of shots :(. I know he has to have them, I just feel so bad when he cries!
He is changing so much, he smiles at you a lot, makes cooing noises, can turn his head back and forth -- Mike and I were lying on the bed with Sam between us, and we were talking back and forth over him, and he would turn his head to whichever side was talking. I've never seen him do this before, and he must have really strong neck muscles! Also, if you lean him forward on his belly, like to burp him, he can lift and hold his head up at about a 90 degree angle. He can hold it there for quite some time. When you feed him, if you talk to him, ask him questions, he'll make noises at you while he is eating, it totally sounds like he is responding to your question. He can sort of reach out for things, but he doesn't have great control over his hands yet, he just kind of thrusts his arm out there.

What a long strange trip

2007-09-28T12:09:00.000-06:00

Today marks a year ago that I had a D&E. I thought of that as I was feeding my healthy, perfect 6 and a half week old boy this morning. I am so grateful that I am almost moved to tears each time I think about it.

Samuel Ross was born 8/14/07 at 2:23am. We went to a doctor's appointment on Monday, 8/13, and she ruptured my membranes, and then said she wanted to do a non stress test just as a formality because I had had high blood pressures in the last week. We thought nothing of it, and went into the room, which was now quite familiar to me. Sam didn't move around much, but he had been earlier that morning, so I didn't really worry about it. I was just waiting to be allowed to go. They came in and checked the readout several times, and then a lady with an ultrasound machine came in, and said she was going to check my amniotic fluid levels. We were joking about how I was ready to have this baby, so she'd better find bad results! About halfway through the reading, she said "I think you are going to get your wish!" We were stunned. No real danger to the baby, he just needed to come out sooner rather than later. My husband drove me to the hospital across the street, where they checked me in, and then he left to go take the dogs to the kennel, and finish packing my bag. I think I checked in about 11:00 am. I was changed into a gown, and a resident came in to check my amniotic fluid levels again. He agreed that they were low, and that we should induce. Everyone left, and I called my family to let them know that I was going to be induced soon. I turned on the TV, and my favorite movie, "Easy Rider", was on, which rocked! I thought about how I would tell Sam about all of this some day. I couldn't believe that I was going to meet him soon, and of course, I was contemplating what that would mean exactly. Our lives were never going to be the same, and I couldn't wait. They came in about 1pm and inserted miso~~ something to get me dilating. They told me they would check my cervix in 4 hours to see how dilated I was. I didn't really feel much, Mike came back with my bag, and we watched tv for a while. We were too excited to sleep. A doctor came in and explained the process to me, and felt my belly to see if he could determine how big the baby would be. I was starving at this point, I had eaten a bagel at about 7 that morning. They wouldn't let me eat anything but popsicles, and they brought me a grape one, it was the best popsicle I had ever had!
After 4 hours, (about 5pm), they checked my cervix, and it had dilated to 3 cm. This was good, but not really a lot of progress, although she said it was very, very soft, which was a good sign. They inserted another. About 30 minutes later, contractions started. They started out not too bad, but then progressed quickly to very painful, with less than a minute between them. I stuck it out for 4 hours, and then they asked if I was ready for an epidural, as my blood pressure was spiking because of the pain. I was about 5 cm then.
The anestesiologist(sic) came in, explained the epidural to me, and had me lean over the side of the bed. The contractions were coming so hard and strong, I had one while he was inserting the needle, and had to be still. I was using the breathing exercises I learned in the childbirth classes, and they really worked. I couldn't have done it without them. Mike was great also, wiping a wet washcloth on my head and neck during contractions. At any rate, the epidural kicked in right away, and the pain was gone, thank God! However, my blood pressure plummetted. Mike said he looked at the screen, and it said 10 over 24. They started scurrying around, and I heard one of the doctors say "Get the anestheiologist STAT!" I remember thinking that sounded like something I had heard on MASH. He came rushing in, and they gave me an ephedrine shot to get me going again. I heard her tell him that my bp wasn't coming up. He stood on the other side of the bed, talking to me, telling me about health care in Africa, about how they have doctors there that take a course for 6 weeks, and then travel around the region. I think he was trying to distract me, and see if I was dying at the same time. Mike had left the room, he was so scared. My bp did start to come up gradually, the doctor stayed in there for quite a while afterwards to keep an eye on me. They gave me oxygen. They gave me a shot to stop my contractions, because they were coming so hard and fast, but the shot didn't work. They were concerned about the baby, and attached an internal monitor to his head, and one to the inside of my uterus, to try and track how hard the contractions were.
They started coming in every 30 minutes or so to have me turn to the other side. I needed their help, because I couldn't feel my legs, due to the epidural. It was kind of a pain. I asked them why they kept turning me, and they said it was to "keep the baby happy". The doctor explained to me that the contractions were coming so fast that he didn't have time to recover between them, and that they were monitoring him to see how his heart rate was doing. I said, "if we need to do a c section, that is fine with me, his well being is the important thing". She said that it was definitely a possibility, but they wanted to monitor him for a bit more. Finally, at 1:30am, she came in and said "the baby is sporadically okay, and sporadically not okay, I would feel better if we just went ahead and got him out". We said okay, when? And she said, "Now". They brought scrubs for Mike. She said there was another lady down the hall that was going to need a c section, and they wanted to get me in first, so they wheeled me out before Mike was even changed. His blood sugar was going low, so he was trying to eat something. I kept asking him to bring my glasses with him, which he did.
They wheeled me into an operating room, lifted me onto the table, and there was a place to lay my arms out. I was shaking like crazy, and kind of in a dream like state. There was a curtain in front of my face, and the anesthesiologist was to my right. Mike came in, I was so glad to see him. He stood to my left. They worked for a while, we just kept saying how we couldn't wait to meet him. Finally, I heard a lady say "I know, you are going to be angry at me for pulling you out here, I see that face." And I knew that we were getting ready to see him. Mike said, "I just saw a hand just above the curtain!" Also, I knew he must be okay, because she was talking about him making facial expressions. Just a little bit later, we heard him cry. We both cried when we heard it. Then, they held him in front of the curtain so we could see him. That was the most wondrous moment in my entire life. Mike went over to where they were weighing him and assessing him, and he took pictures. After they were done, he carried Sam back up to my head to show him to me. The anestheiolgist took a picture of him lying right by my face.
They closed me up, and took us to a recovery room. As the epidural wore off, I was finally allowed to hold my son, and look into his eyes. Wow. Words cannot do that moment justice. We tried breastfeeding, neither of us really knew what was going on, but it was nice to feel him nuzzle. They then wheeled me down to a hospital room. We arrived there about 5 am.

They wheeled the bassinet in right behind us, and I remember thinking, Wait! don't leave him with us, we don't know what we're doing! He slept a while, and we did too. The lactation consultant came in and he had just woken up, and was crying. We told her we didn't know what to do, and she said "did you check his diaper?" We hadn't even thought of that! She checked it, it was dirty, and Mike changed his first diaper!

Sam is now 7 weeks old, I can't believe how the time flew. I wish like everything that I could stay home with him, but Mike is going to, and I am now back to work full time. It is hard to adjust to seeing him for only a few hours a day, and it is hard to be at work when I'm up every night with him, but it is well worth it. He usually eats around 11 or midnight, then wakes up again around 2, then not until 6. So, he doesn't really get up that often, and hopefully when he reaches 3 months, it might be even less often.

Home Stretch

2007-07-26T13:24:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm officially 2 and a half weeks from my due date. How the heck did that happen? I can't, just can't believe it, and I am so incredibly grateful. I do have some anxiety about things going wrong, but as we speak, the little bugger is squirming around in there, so that makes me feel more confident. I think yesterday was the first day that I really felt like "okay, I'm ready to be done with being pregnant". My feet are swollen, my hands are swollen (when I bend my fingers, it hurts), and I am so, incredibly TIRED. I worry about how we are going to deal with a new baby and the puppy, I worry about how we are going to afford to take care of aforementioned baby, and if I will EVER get any energy back! My friend had her baby, and now my friend's sister is being induced as we speak. It is amazing, like we are graduating or something.

I've had several people (one man, even) tell me that my belly looks a lot lower than it has, hopefully this means the kiddo has dropped, and will be on his way shortly. I am so ready to meet him. We both are.

Husband is really sick right now, throwing up every 30 minutes or so, which is scary for anyone, much less a diabetic -- so I'm going home shortly to keep an eye on him (or, as we say in the biz, "take a nap"). I think I'm going to push for half days starting next week, as I'm getting so sleepy my head is nodding at stop lights on the way home.

I had a dismal phone interview today. I didn't really have any time to prepare, as H was sick, and I had to wrangle the puppy all morning (who, incidentally woke up at 4:45 this morning). So, I pretty much bombed it. H had a great interview with a company that would require us to move to Steamboat Springs, which would be pretty awesome. We'll see if it works out or not. I told H that if they bring him to Steamboat for an interview, that will, in no doubt, be the day that I go into labor. What a fun interview that would be!

color me embarrassed

2007-07-10T14:38:00.000-06:00

So, about five minutes after that last post, this lady I work with came in and told me they were going to have a shower for me. Boy, did I feel bad. No one here even knows I have a blog, so I know they didn't see my post, but talk about timing! They are giving me one this Thursday, which is very nice, and there is cake from my favorite bakery and everything!

We had company AGAIN last week, my husband's cousin, wife and two kids. It wasn't as bad as it could've been, but I think the problem is that I'm almost 9 months pregnant, and I just don't feel like dealing with extra people in my house. They were very good guests, and the kids were well behaved, but I am still just exhausted. And we had to go to a baseball game on Friday night, which was horrible. I had been up since 4:45 that morning, and I was so tired. Of course, when there was only one out to go, somebody hits a home run, and the game goes into extra innings. I was so pissed and tired, and at this point it was about midnight. I got the keys to the truck and walked back and laid back in the seat. I think I'm still recovering from the lack of sleep that night. I am so tired, my head is nodding as I'm typing this. The cool thing was that they brought me their breast pump, which will save us about 320 dollars! yea!

Need to Vent

2007-06-26T09:34:00.000-06:00

Over the years, I bet I've spent a couple of thousand dollars on shower gifts, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. I don't have very many close girl friends, so I really didn't expect a shower from friends. Two girls gave me a mini shower, completely by surprise, and it was so nice of them! Here at work, no one is doing anything. I can't believe it. I actually spearheaded a collection for a girl that started working here two months before her due date, I asked about giving her a shower, and no one wanted to give her one because she had just started. So I collected money, got her a cake, and gave her a Visa gift card. I didn't do it so that everyone would do the same for me, but come on! I've worked her over two years, and not a peep about a shower for me. I'm trying not to let it piss me off, but I'm beginning to get angry about it. I just attended a bridal shower for a 50 + year old woman (who has lived on her own for years), joined in like a good girl and bought her a gift. I can't believe that the people here are that uncaring. It just makes me feel angry and hurt. I was putting off buying certain things because I thought, that would be a good shower gift, not too expensive -- but now I have to buy those things because I'm getting closer and closer to my due date. I don't know how I'm going to not let it show that I'm really ticked off at this point. I can't believe how much I have supported these people and contributed to their kids' sales. You can believe all that will stop now, just let them ask, and my answer is going to be, Where was your support? Fuck off!

I'm not bitter...

All's quiet on the hormone front

2007-06-14T11:53:00.000-06:00

Things were a little smoother yesterday. I don't think I cried once. Husband was very good, puppy was very good. We took the puppy to the barn last night, where I was actually ABLE TO GO GET THE HORSE MYSELF. What a huge step! My foot was crammed into a sneaker, but I was able to walk on it and felt comfortable going into the pasture myself. Yea! Husband walked the puppy around, which was great for both of them.

I don't think I ate enough yesterday, because about 7, I was sooo tired. To the point of almost collapsing. So today, I'm going to make sure I eat enough, I'm just finishing off my blueberry yogurt (yummm!). We are completely broke this week, so if I eat out, it has to be cheap, mostly Wendy's value menu, but I can get some good stuff, baked potato, caesar salad, etc. Which is good, not too bad for me, and very filling.

Why does my mother, after talking to me for like an hour about the same exact stuff we ALWAYS talk about, when I end the conversation say, "call me again this week, okay?" We don't have anything to talk about anyway, why the heck does she want me to call AGAIN? I usually just say I will, and then don't. It seems to work, so why mess with it?

We got our Widespread Panic tickets for Red Rocks! We are only going to the Sunday show, I don't think I'll survive any more than that, but I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't seen them in a year, the last one was the shows at the Fox last May (2006). I hate to say it, but they weren't great shows. It wasn't long after that George left them, and you could tell that they just weren't together. At any rate, it will be good to see them with Jimmy playing guitar.

Work is beginning to drive me crazy. I really want to start working from home every week, just as my coworker does. Every time I bring this up, I get some hemming and hawing. I think I'm just going to start doing it, and let him deal with it. He's lucky I'm still here, as I see it. It would just be nice to not have to drive in 5 days a week, especially with gas prices. Plus, I'm getting more and more tired, and that would help me get a nap in.

Monday will be 8 months(32 weeks)!! Whew Hoo!! 8 weeks to go!

Emotions are taking over

2007-06-12T09:15:00.000-06:00

I'm sure it must be hormonal, but everything seems to be such a big deal right now. Husband and I are arguing it seems like every day, usually about the puppy. He'll do something bad, and H will just blow up (it seems excessively so, to me), and I immediately start crying. Sunday was our 18th anniversary, and we did absolutely nothing, and ended the day by me crying and him blowing up. Maybe the stress of everything is starting to get to him. We are having terrible financial problems, and he is leaving his job, which doesn't make enough to help anyway, to focus more on the real estate career. I know that will take a while to build up, and we have no savings at all. So, it is all pretty scary. I think that is wearing on us both, especially with a baby on the way. I'm just tired of arguing all the time. Yesterday we had a long talk about it, and we are both going to try to do better. The puppy can be so cute sometimes, but he is also a source of stress, and we need to learn to deal with him better. And with the hormones, I can completely convince myself that H is doing nothing to help me, which, even when I'm rational, is somewhat true. It seems that all he wants to do is come home and sit on the couch and watch TV, and if anything comes in between him and the couch, there'll be hell to pay. Hopefully once he gets out of this job, maybe he'll become a little more active, and therefore less stressed, and therefore less likely to blow up like a land mine.

My foot/toe is much better, I'm in a Birkenstock now, but still can't fit into a regular shoe, possibly just because I'm pregnant. I hate crocs so much, but now I may buy a pair so that my toe is at least protected somewhat. I'm so close to being able to walk on it, it is very exciting. I'm so tired of hobbling all the time! Both of my feet and ankles are starting to swell, so I'm keeping them up at work, and any time I'm not on them. And the heartburn is REALLY kicking up-- bleeeccch. But, the good part is that I can feel him moving around most of the time now, I love it. And I love being pregnant, love seeing how huge I am. I'm so grateful for him, and I hope I don't lose that at all.

We start our childbirth classes next Monday the 18th, very exciting! I can't believe I have just under 9 weeks to go -- time flies huh?

almost 30 weeks!!

2007-06-01T12:07:00.000-06:00

I honestly cannot believe that Monday will be 30 weeks that I've been pregnant. It doesn't seem possible that I'll only have ten weeks to go. Lots has happened since my last post:
1)I broke my toe
2)We were going to move to TN, then changed our minds
3)We bought a crib!

Broken toe: Charlie(horse) broke it. I was picking his hoof, and I can't really get bent over enough to get a good hold of them anymore, and he was stomping at flies. So, he stomped right out of my hand, and landed right on my foot. Ouch! My big toe is broken in two places, the toenail was out and mangled the toe, so they sutured me up. I got them out yesterday. Hobbling around is not fun, but the foot is getting stronger, and hopefully I only have two more weeks to go. I can't wait to get my foot back! I was just starting to walk the puppy at night, that had to end, but hopefully not for long. The really bad part was that Mike was out of town, so I had to drive myself to after hours care, and then drive back home, and deal with the puppy by myself. I was really glad when he got home!

Move to TN: My Dad offered to let us live in his house, rent free for a while, starting in June. I mentioned this to an old coworker, and my old boss contacted me and set up a three month contract until the baby is born to work in Chattanooga again, at my old job. It was making a fortune, too. We were all in until Mike went to visit, and made the drive (75 miles one way), and saw my Dad's house. I knew it was small, but he said it was pretty nasty (like rat droppings on the kitchen counter), and really, really old carpet. That in conjunction with a 150 mile a day commute, and the fact that I would've had to drive 2 and a half hours to the hospital/doctor, just really made it seem not worth it. So, we decided to stay here until after the baby is born, and maybe try to move in October. We'll see. It is nice and warm here now, so we are enjoying being here, and it is nice not to have to worry about moving on top of a new baby and a broken toe! It is a bummer though, because I was really ready to be done with this job. I've been programming for 11 years now, and they have decided that I'm going to be the help desk contact for a new application they are implementing. I'm not happy about this. I don't enjoy working with users, especially those that are INCREDIBLY non technical, and have a big chip on their shoulder. Like it is my fault that they have to use it. ~sigh~

Crib: We finally bought a crib, Husband has been pretty superstitious about it, but when I informed him that I only have 11 weeks to go, he became more motivated.

My Dad and stepmom are coming out Monday, there are volunteering at Rocky Mountain National Park this summer, so they are going to stop in to get acclimated to the altitude before they go up there. They are easy houseguests; but I always stress out, especially with the puppy around. He is really getting out of control, so I got a training book, and I'm trying to train him, but certain things I definitely need two feet for, so it is kind of halted for a couple of weeks. He's pretty good most of the time, but he gets these moments where he just wants to nip you over and over and over again, and if you are sitting on the couch, it is so maddening! I'm hoping the training will help him start respecting our space a bit more.

I am so sleepy, the older dog got up at 4:40 am, and I am just beat! I'm going to try to sneak in a nap now, if I can get comfortable enough to do it.

21 Weeks

2007-04-02T15:33:00.000-06:00

21 weeks as of today. I'm starting to seriously shop for cribs and bedding. And I really want a camcorder, so we can show the kiddo what we were like before he came along. Most days, I have enough energy, some days I'm tired, but overall, I'm functioning fairly normally. I do feel some movement, just a little blip here and there, and then nothing for a long while. Mostly at night when I'm still for a while, I'll feel it.

Thank God the vet said the pup should be fine to sleep all night, and he is! He sleeps from about 9 or 9:30 until 5:45 or 6:00, and it is absolutely the most wonderful thing. When I started getting that much uninterrupted sleep, my energy level went WAY up. Aaaahh....

We really, really want to move back to the South. I miss it so much each day. I've looked for other jobs, and pretty much when they find out I'm pregnant, they don't want anything else to do with me. So, I think I'm going to stick it out here, have the baby, and then move after a couple of months. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find a job pretty quickly once I'm there, and we can live in my Dad's house for a couple of months rent free. That is a pretty big step, but we really are tired of being here. I'm tired of fighting bill collectors constantly, we can't afford our house, etc. It is just time to try to sell the house and move on.

Still Truckin'

2007-03-16T10:11:00.000-06:00

Monday, I'll be 19 weeks along. 19 weeks ?! I really can't believe that I get to type that. Wow. I'm in maternity pants now, I'm not sure anyone else can tell, but I can certainly tell that I'm pregnant when looking in the mirror. I'm still tired sometimes, but I have more energetic days than not. I am warm most of the time. Yesterday was chillier than it has been, I think the high was 45 degrees, and it felt wonderful to me. This is a big switch, as I am ALWAYS cold. I'm enjoying it immensely.

I'm eating as if I were gestating an elephant in there. Two breakfasts a day, one around 7, then other around 9. I'm still not feeling any movement, I hope it comes soon.

The pup is growing so fast! He has calmed down a bit, I don't feel that I have to watch his every move anymore. It is so funny though, sometimes at night, he'll get these bursts of energy, he'll grab a toy and just run circles around the house, upstairs, then downstairs. It is hilarious. When he is finished, he'll run down the stairs, into the den, and then leap (without slowing down one bit) onto the ottoman. Then he looks around, very pleased with himself. So cute! He still gets in biting moods, but the spray bottle seems to curtail it for the most part.

We take the pup to the vet tomorrow for his last set of shots, and I'm going to ask if she thinks he is old enough to make it through the night without having to use the bathroom. Cross your fingers that she says yes. I am so tired of getting up at 2 am. Husband has not been helpful at all. He did it once, and complained that it wasn't good for his sleeping pattern. Guess what? It isn't good for mine either, and I'm pregnant, for Pete's sake! But I just gave in on that one, and told him to enjoy it now, because when the baby gets here, he's going to have to pitch in. I'll make sure I wake him up every time I get up, if he doesn't. I love Husband very much, but he can really be irresponsible sometimes. However, he is very helpful on the weekends, by watching the pup so that I can take a 2 or 3 hour nap. That is worth a lot!

Wow, Good News!!

2007-03-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

Well, who would've thought I'd have made it to 17 weeks? 17 weeks, 2 days that is. Wow. We had the big ultrasound on 2/27, and it was wonderful. My quad screen came back 1 in 1100 chances for Down's, negative for neural tub defects, negative for trisonomy 18. Everything looked great, the femur measurement was a little short, in the 87th percentile instead of the 90th. The doc said that might reduce my chances to 1 in a 1000, it really was a very soft marker, and not very important. So, I didn't have to have the amnio. Such a blessing. And we found out that it is a boy!! Pretty amazing to actually visualize that thing in my uterus as a human being. I was being so cautious about feeling attached, we both were. When we got the good news, it was like the flood gates opened. I told everyone here at work the next day. We were just so elated. And really, still are.
But now reality is setting in and we are facing the dilemma of what are we going to do with this child once it is born? We plan on putting the house up for sale soon. It is just too expensive. We would like to move South in the near future, but until then, we need to figure things out. I'm thinking I could probably get a contract job after the baby is born, which would up my salary about 20,000 a year. My technical skills aren't where they should be; I need to start training myself again.
The main complaint that I have right now is that I am so tired ALL OF THE TIME. I get up at 2:00 am every day to let the puppy out. It just interrupts my sleeping pattern, and I never feel too rested. Husband is getting better about getting up some days, but most of the responsibility falls on me right now. I find that I am in a rotten mood most of the time. So, I'm going to try to go out to my car during lunch and take an hour nap. I bet that will help a lot. I'm so grateful for this baby, though, I'll be grouchy the entire time if need be!

14 Weeks and still holding in there

2007-02-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it past the 13th week. Today is 14. And the heart was there this morning, beating away, as if to say "What's all the fuss about? I'm doing my job here!". I'm relieved and a little more nervous about the quad screen now. I wouldn't really let myself think about it too much, as that would happen after week 13. And now week 13 is over, so I have to find something else to worry about. I go for the quad screen a week from today, hopefully to get the results by 2/23 or 2/26. I'm scheduled for the level II ultrasound on the 27th, and the amnio, if necessary, afterwards.

I'm still scared to tell anyone I'm pregnant. I'm scared to post this, because I'll have to look at it if something bad happens, just like I did for the other one. It was really weird, I got my hair colored and cut yesterday, and I told the colorist that I was pregnant, in case she needed to do something different. She was very congratulatory, and of course, asked if this was my first. I hesitated, but told her that no, this was my seond pregnancy, the first one didn't go well. I felt for her, you could tell she wanted to ask all of the questions that preggos usually want to hear, for instance, had I thought of names. I just told her that I was too nervous to get that far yet, and I hope to God that the screen and ultrasound will put my mind a little more at ease.

The great part is that we leave for Vegas a week from today! I'm looking forward to sleeping as long as I want to, and not having to get up to let the puppy out for a few days. I feel horrible about leaving the puppy in a kennel while he is so young, but I haven't really had a vacation in about two years, and I need it! I'm sure the pup will be fine.

Hello to Henry!

2007-01-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

We have a furry addition to our family, a 5 pound, 8 week old Lab/German Shepherd mix. We got him from the Humane Society on Friday. He is just adorable, and rambunctious, and ferocious, just what we needed. I won't say there haven't been some tense times, I was so tired Saturday night, and we put him in his crate to go to bed. We put it in our bedroom, as we thought he might like to be included with everyone else in the same room. He put up the biggest fuss, making such a racket! We slid the crate into the spare bedroom, turned the light on very low, and shut the door. He whined and pitched a fit for about ten minutes, then finally shut up. I was so tired, it was a much bigger deal than it should have been. Luckily, Husband was able to take up my slack. Of course, any time I get tired or frustrated, I think, "Oh my God, am I going to be a terrible mother?" and so on. Additionally, I feel so guilty when I have to leave him, which is every day for 9 hours or so. The other dog is very hesitant around him, but has stopped snapping at him, and even allowed him to walk under her without any incident. I think things will be back to a routine in a week, I certainly hope so.
I went Sunday to visit my horse, and I left Husband and Henry alone. It was like leaving my baby for the first time, I kept wanting to call and check in! It was nice to get away for a bit though.
I received my Doppler on Friday, and tried to find the heartbeat that night, with no luck. I did not freak out though, as I've read countless accounts of this same experience. Saturday, I drank a lot of water so that I'd have a full bladder, moved the wand around and around, and suddenly, there was the woosh-woosh sound. The Doppler showed a rate of 165. It moved away after about 20 seconds, and I moved around for a while, and found it again, way high, just below and to the right of my belly button. This time it stayed there for a bit. It was so cool. Husband was in awe. I am theoretically at 12 weeks today; that doesn't mean anything to me, other than I'm getting closer to the time when things went bad for the last one. I sure hope I can be reassured by hearing the little woosh-woosh every day, particularly before the doctor's appointment, so I won't be completely ready to pass out before I go in. The pre-appointment anxiety is the worst!

Saying Goodbye To Oscar

2007-01-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

We had to put our dog to sleep last night. He was 14 years old. He was the biggest, larger than life, sweetest soul I have ever known. When we got him as a puppy from the Humane Society, the first night we had him he started throwing up. He was so sick, and I think we ended up taking him to the vet 4 or 5 times after that first emergency call. We couldn't figure out what was wrong with him; I nursed that dog, letting him go to sleep in my lap, just picking him up and holding him. Finally, a coworker told me her dog was allergic to beef, and that I should try feeding him lamb meal and rice food. That was exactly what was wrong. I watched him go from a sick little guy to a rambunctious, frisky puppy. I have such a bond with that dog, I think from nursing him back to health. He was truly my first baby. My husband has a strong bond with him too, he was really our best friend. We enjoyed him so much. Everywhere we went, he was right there. If we took a shower, he laid down in front of the door until we came out. We couldn't close the door all the way, as he would poke his head in from time to time, just to check on us.

We knew that at his age, the time would probably be coming soon. Many times, I would come home, and he wouldn't come down stairs to meet me, and I'd make that long climb up the stairs, expecting the worst, only to find him just raising his head from a deep sleep. Last night, he woke from a nap, and tried to walk. His back legs wouldn't work. His eyes were darting back and forth, back and forth, uncontrollably. He was drooling. His breathing was very erratic. My husband called the vet, who said to come right in. My husband had to carry him into the car, as his back legs didn't work at all. I rode in the back of the car, curled up around him, and he laid his head in my hand. I told him that we would be okay, that if he needed to go, we would be okay. I also told him that he had taught us so much about how to love, we wouldn't be the same people had we never met him.

At the vet's office, she was having trouble hearing his heart. His drooling was concerning. The fact that he wasn't licking any one, no tail wags the entire time, let us know that he was in seriously bad shape. She thought was that it might be brain cancer, and said we could send him off to get an MRI. We discussed it, and neither one of us wanted to prolong his misery. So, we agreed it was time to say goodbye. They had a really nice room, with living room chairs and a rug, so it felt like we were at home. We laid him down in the middle, and spent some time with him. It was little easier, because he really wasn't there. We just petted him and tried to make him comfortable. The vet came in and explained what she would do, and we were petting him and telling him what a good boy he was. He died with his head in my hand.

We are going to get his ashes, which will give me some comfort, just to have a reminder of him in our house. It certainly is empty without him in it. He was truly a wise old soul, and I know he is in a better place. But we sure do miss him.

So weak!

2007-01-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

I caved in and called the doctor's office to see if I could come in earlier, and to my surprise, they scheduled me for that day! So Tuesday, I drove over, a little nervous, but really pretty much okay. The baby was there, heartbeat and all! I'm so glad I went because if I had waited 5 weeks to see the doctor, I would've been a basket case. Now I only have 2 and a half weeks until I go again. And the baby measured 10 weeks! By the measurement on the ultrasound last time, I should have been 9 weeks 3 days. I'm really excited by this, as last time, it ALWAYS measured smaller than it was supposed to be. Not much, but some. So, the next appointment will be 13 weeks. The last one died at 13 or 14 weeks, they weren't sure. My uterus measured 13, the head circumference measured 14, crown to rump measured 13. So, I'm hoping that if I go at the beginning of week 13, and everything is looking good, maybe I can come back in the 14th week, and if everything is good, I'll let my breath out a little. I'm ordering the Doppler rental, even though my husband wants me to wait until we go to the doc again. I really don't think I'll freak if I can't find it, as I've read numerous accounts of people not being able to at first. I just think it would be really cool if I could find it, and then when I go to the doctor, I won't be so nervous, because I'll be able to check in on the heartbeat.
We are supposed to go to Vegas (please be warm) over President's Day weekend, which will begin my 15th week. So, hopefully I'll be pregnant and grateful for a vacation, or I'll have just finished a D&E and will be glad to have a break. I'm praying for the pregnant option, please. I think I am supposed to schedule my amnio soon, but I am so, so afraid to. Last time I had the amnio scheduled for the next day when we found out the baby had died. I had to call, completely in tears, to cancel. I know I've got to make the appointment. I just don't want to have to cancel it. Fear is a terrible thing. Part of me thinks that everything really will be okay this time. The other part is terrifed to believe that! I know that the only thing that will give me confidence is time. So here's to a quick passage of the next few weeks!

Hurry Up and Wait

2007-01-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

I am so antsy about just knowing what is going on, I'm dieing to rent a Doppler. However, I'm only 9 weeks along and I know that I probably wouldn't be able to hear anything anyway. Which would send me into a tailspin. Or not, as I keep telling myself. At any rate, I need to wait. I hate waiting, because I would love to have some sort of reassurance. I guess I could call and make an appointment sooner at the doctor's office. I keep thinking that if I can wait until 12 weeks and everything is okay, it will be more meaningful. We'll see. I may cave. It is only 3 weeks from Monday, which is not that long, in the big picture. I'm still having nausea off and on, and I'm absolutely exhausted by the end of the day, so I'm hoping that is a good sign.

It is quite cold here today, at 9:45, it is 1 degree above zero. I'm working from home today, as the roads are kind of icy, and it really isn't worth the risk of driving in, I can do my job just as easily from home anyway. I'm going to try and go see the horse, I think he may be turned out, which means I'll have to go out in the field, which I may not want to do with the icy conditions right now. Some of the horses are such a holes! They won't let you in the gate, they won't let you out, not very respectful of my space. Which is a BIG no no in the horse world. My horse may not obey my every wish, but he understands that if I am standing in front of him, he stops. He doesn't just run through me! So, we'll see if I make it out or not.

Arrggghhhh... to call the dr or not to call? I'm sure they could get me in next week....

How many more months until May?

2007-01-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to be working, and I just can't seem to concentrate for more than 10 minutes at a time. I've played solitaire so much I should have my own show on ESPN. All was good at the doctor's appointment. At least, I think so. The nurse practitioner was very nice, but there was something on the ultrasound next to the baby, she couldn't make out what it was, so she called a doctor in to take a look. The doctor looked very quickly, said, "I have no idea. There's nothing we could do anyway, hopefully this one will be uneventful." Just like that. This was a woman!! I felt like leaping up from the table and strangling her. Great bedside manner, babe. I've scheduled the next appointment for when I should be twelve weeks, I'm hoping that will give me some kind of check on the heart rate and development. After that, I may come in for week 13 and 14, because that is somewhere around when it died last time. I have a good feeling about this one, I'm trying to repeat that over and over again, to ward off anxiety. It works, sometimes. I was expecting a huge sigh of relief, but for some reason, it didn't give me any satisfaction. Hopefully after the 15 week mark (if I make it that far) and the amnio (if I make it through that) if I get normal results, I'll be much calmer.

Speaking of anxiety, we are supposed to get MORE snow this friday. Every Friday for the past 3 weeks, we've gotten snow, first 3 feet, then 1 foot, and supposedly another foot this Friday. I am OVER it. Usually, we get a nice week or two in between the storms, the snow has time to melt before the next one. Not so this winter. I have four feet of snow in my front yard. I can't bring in my Christmas decorations, because I don't know where they are. They are buried under eight feet of snow, because the four feet that was on my driveway has been shoveled on top of the four feet in my yard. Husband has been really missing Atlanta, and I tell you, I hate moving, but a winter like this will make me do it. Luckily, I'm pregnant, which would make finding a job VERY difficult right now, so we'll have to wait and mull it over before we take any action. I do love Atlanta, and I've always thought I would end up there when I was older, but it is looking like in the next two or three years, we'll be moving there. I miss trees a whole lot, there are none, or at least, very few here. And I miss the fact that in March, I can wear shorts. Rather than May. I do love Spring (when we get one) and summer here, but my God, it is going to seem like it never gets here. I haven't ridden my horse on a trail in 3 or 4 weeks, because there too much snow on the ground, at least up to his knees. Luckily, I have an indoor arena, but it is scary because the ground is frozen and pretty hard and slick.

Limbo Land

2006-12-19T10:38:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm bouncing between being in complete denial of this pregnancy, to wanting to tell the world. Denial wins most of the time. I had lunch with a friend who is eight weeks pregnant, with her first. For some reason, I was a little mad at her. I think I am jealous that she is completely unafraid, rambling on about what kind of car to get that will support a car seat (I wanted to scream at her, “You are only eight weeks along! Save the drama for later!”), telling us that she has been wearing maternity clothes for two weeks already – I wasn’t wearing them when I miscarried last time, at 15 weeks. I feel like a terrible person, I want to be happy for her, and join in her silliness, but I just have to fake it right now. I had a little spotting last Thursday, and that REALLY sent me into some kind of bitter denial phase. It stopped, and I had no cramping, but it really brought me even more to reality that anything could go wrong at any time. But, there are people, like my friend, who will go through the whole thing blissfully and have no complications. And I’m happy for her, really. At least I want to be.

I go between not being able to wait until my appointment, to thinking I don’t EVER want to go. I watched Studio 60 last night, they showed her going into an appointment and having an ultrasound, and I had to make myself slow my breathing. I was actually panting with anxiety. I definitely felt then that I would like to just wait 9 months and see what comes out. But I do want to know if this is an actual baby, rather than a molar pregnancy, or blighted ovum, or at least sometimes I do. Just now I started thinking about it, and I felt my heart start to race.

Husband doesn’t want me to ride my horse on the trail anymore, which is not good. I understand his point, but because of the weather, I haven’t been trail riding in two or three weeks! The horse coughs when I ride him in an arena, so I’m limited to the polo field or the trail. I’ll have to see how I feel when I ride him again. I wasn’t allowed to last weekend because of the spotting, and also we had some people visiting. One of these people is a very good friend, but it really bugs me when she says, “Oh, you can get in the hot spring, you’ll be fine”, and “you can ski, why do you worry about it?” which is easy for her to say, since she has a healthy 2 and a half year old. It ticks me off when she acts like I’m being a wimp for trying to help this thing survive.

I know I should try and take this thing one day at a time. And I’ve been doing pretty well. For some reason, today, I cannot focus on my work. For one thing, it is Christmas! And I just don’t want to work, I wish I could take some vacation time, but I don’t want to, just in case I do actually have a baby, so I can have 6 weeks leave. Welcome to the world of limbo. Get used to it.

Morning Sickness, anyone?

2006-12-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

So, I was definitely nauseated this morning, not something I really experienced with the last one. I wish that was a good sign, that this one is different and better somehow, but I really know that it doesn't signify anything. I am finding that if I keep something on my stomach, it seems to dissipate-- which is great, now I have an excuse for nonstop eating!

I've already gone and screwed up my plan of not telling anyone, I told my Dad yesterday. I won't let anyone congratulate me though. He tried, and I said "you can congratulate me when I deliver a healthy baby". I hope I can stick to that. Husband and I were discussing this, and if something happens early on, we'll try again. If it goes as far as last time, forget it. I'm really hoping I can stick to the attitude of what happens, happens. I used to feel that I HAD to worry before an appointment, or something would go wrong. I realize now that no matter how much I worry, if it is going to die, it will die, and conversely, if it will live, it will live! Personally, I'm voting for the latter.

Still pregnant, at least for today!

If only I had a parachute...

2006-12-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm pregnant again. After only one month of trying!! Pretty incredible. I told myself I was going to wait until I was three months late to take another test, but I gave in on Saturday, which was actually three or four days before my period is due. I peed on the stick, and watched, and thought, nah, it is negative, but then I came back and looked again, and indeed there was a very faint line. I immediately went upstairs to ask Husband if it looked like a line to him. He was so good natured about it, considering I woke him up at 6:30 in the morning to discuss the subtleties of the pink line. So, yesterday, I bought another test, and this time, the line was MUCH stronger. No doubt about it, at least for this second, I am pregnant. Again.

We were both pretty calm about it, a little yea! and then our armour came on. Don't want to spend too much energy on it this time. I sure don't want to start planning my life differently. We were going to use the room we have as an office for the n....ry (i don't even want to type it), and we were just beginning to buy some office furniture, Husband asked if we should stop buying it, and I said no. If I make it to 8.5 months, we'll move the stuff out. Otherwise, keep building the office. I will not read a baby book, buy any memory books, take home any ultrasound pictures, or browse any baby sites at least until after the amnio. Which means I'll have to make it that long. I did tell my Mom, as she was quite helpful the last time when everything went to Hell. But I'm trying very hard not to tell anyone else about it.

The good thing is that I know the conception date within two days, so I'll know if it is measuring small or not-- although I really don't think it did last time. I am definitely going to have to watch what I eat, I gained so much weight and never lost it, I'm a little worried about it. I went to the gym this morning, and plan to start going three or four times a week, I figure that combined with horseback riding should give me a lot of exercise.

Speaking of which, I rode him (the horse, not the husband) in the indoor arena, and he started to cough, cleared his nose a few times, and we were suddenly able to trot and canter! I hope this continues, as I would LOVE to be able to ride him at night throughout the winter. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, here we are, jumping out of a plane without a parachute....

Deja Vu all over again

2006-10-23T10:56:00.000-06:00

Well, the baby died. I went in for my 15 week appointment, and no heartbeat. I had a D&C 2 days later. It was hell. I wasn't even nervous about the doctor's appointment, I was worried about the amnio scheduled for the next day. He explained that they wouldn't do an ultrasound, just the Doppler, but we would get to hear our baby's heartbeat. We were excited at the prospect. He kept trying to find it, and the batteries ran out. He went to get another one. He still couldn't find it. At this point, I thought something was wrong. He brought in the ultrasound, assuring us that it was probably just in a strange position... and then the ominous silence began. He kept looking at it, changing direction, looking at it. I knew, as did my husband. I finally said "Is something wrong?" to which he answered "Just give me a minute, here." Why didn't he just say, I think so... instead of dragging it out? We knew anyway at that point. He brought in another doctor to confirm it. I was just so ANGRY. Why did we have to go through this TWICE with this pregnancy? Not fair. I'm still angry sometimes, particularly when I hear someone complain about having a girl instead of boy, etc. I feel like screaming to them YOU UNGRATEFUL B***H! But I don't. I just sit there and I feel the ball of sadness inside of me increase its diameter just a bit more. It grows until I can't hold it in anymore, and then I cry. Then it begins building again. The good thing is that is takes longer to build each time. At first, it was every five minutes (I'm not kidding, I couldn't wear my contacts because of the salt buildup), then every hour, then day, and now it is only once or twice a week. The human spirit is pretty amazing, because three weeks ago, I didn't think I would get off the couch. Except to ride my horse. That is what saved me, I think. I found out about this on Monday, rode him for a good, long time on Tuesday, worked from home on Wednesday, and had the D&C on Thursday. I wasn't really bleeding, so I rode him after a week, and now I ride whenever I can. I thank God that I love doing something so much, and that my love for it didn't die with the baby. It gives me something to look forward to, you know? And, of course, my husband was so wonderful to me, and continues to be.

I thought that since I made it into my second trimester, all was safe. I was wrong. They don't know when the baby died, the head measurement was 14 weeks, crown to rump was 13 weeks. I'm doing much better, but I still have my low moments. We did get the results back from the testing on the baby, and it had complete triploidy, which is where every chromosome had an extra one, for a grand total of 3. It is 100% fatal. So, I was glad to know that it wasn't because of something wrong with me, and it was nothing I had done, and it is NOT genetic. We're going to try again, but we are taking it SLOWLY. I gained some weight (hey, I was pregnant, I was eating!), so now I have to get it off before I get pregnant again, probably a couple of months down the road. But I figure it'll take us around 6 months to get pregnant again anyway, so it really doesn't matter. I'm still waiting to get my period after the D&C, as we are forbidden to try again before that momentous occasion.

This time around, if I do get pregnant, I don't see any reason to even go to the doctor until I'm 12 weeks. It was hard enough worrying about it for 3 months-- if I don't really know it is a real pregnancy, then I won't worry about it, right? I have read that there is an increased incidence of molar pregnancy after having a triploidy one, if that happens, we are f***ed because you have to wait a year afterwards to try again-- and I'm too old to waste a year. I will rent a Doppler if I get pg again, just so I can check in-- I think one of the hardest things was that as each week went by, our confidence went up. This way, I'll know pretty quickly if things end.

I couldn't believe I heard this come out of my mouth, but I was talking to my Mom (she, unbelievably, has been so helpful through this), and she was saying "You'll get pregnant again, and everything will be all right", and astoundingly, I said, "And hopefully things will go well this time, but you know what, if they don't, I'll be all right anyway. My life will go on, and I will still enjoy it. I have a great life, job, HUSBAND!! (he is just the best), horse, dogs, cat, and the fact that I can't have a baby will not negate that. I'll grieve again, and then I'll move on." And you know what, it is true. I don't feel that I have a huge hole in my life that can only be filled by a baby. I just feel that my life would be enhanced by a baby-- but I won't die if it doesn't happen. This realization is quite wonderful. Life will go on, baby or not.

3 MONTHS!!

2006-08-31T11:39:00.000-06:00

Well, I can't believe I made it to 12 weeks. That's right, my first milestone. I'm hoping to be able to relax a bit now. I really wanted to tell people at work, but my boss wants me to wait?! I'm not sure why. Of course, in a couple of weeks it will be fairly obvious. I'm showing just a little, little bit right now, and I can wear baggy shirts to cover it. But it is starting to get cooler, and when I put on a sweater, it is beginning to be obvious.

3 and a half more weeks until the amnio. I nervous about both the results and the miscarriage chances, but the way I look at it, if I miscarry at that point, I'm just NOT meant to have a baby. It will kill me, but I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As for the results, I'm pretty scared. Part of me says I would terminate if something is found, part of me says I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I terminated. So, I'm waffling right now. I pray that I don't have to make that decision.

My husband's cousin, let's call him God's Gift To Women (ggtw), is quite the piece of work. He honestly believes that every woman that says hello, responds to something he asks, or seats him at a restaurant wants to sleep with him. He is 40 years old, overweight, and not very attractive. In addition, his personality sucks. He thinks he knows everything, and will not accept anyone else's input on a subject.
My husband and ggtw went to a hot spring that was clothing optional. The object of clothing optional is NOT to check out other people, it is about being comfortable in your skin, and not caring what other people think about you. I guess it is sort of a spiritual, natural, hippie kind of thing. I totally get it, although I'm not ALWAYS comfortable taking my clothes off, but it doesn't really bother me to be around it.

GGTW, of course, tries to talk to every woman there. Did I mention he is married with two children? One woman was from the South originally, like my husband and ggtw, so they talked for a bit about it. My husband said she was NOT interested, she was just talking. Her children were there with her. So, the next day, they are leaving, and she kind of touches ggtw's shoulder and says, "it was nice meeting you guys, have a fun trip". GGTW turns to my husband and says "she initiated contact. I felt a connection there. Let's hang out here and see if something happens." To which my husband replied, "We are leaving." GGTW honestly thought because the woman was being courteous, she wanted to sleep with him. It makes me sick. So, every time I say excuse me, or ask the pharmacist "how are you today?" does that make him think I want to sleep with him? Please.

Of course, it gets my ire up, because I feel threatened by him. If he is willing to sleep with any woman that will have him, will he have any influence on my husband? I know that he wouldn't, because I trust my husband, and my husband is NOT AN IDIOT. But, still, the thought creeps up in the back of my mind. Luckily, he is gone. My husband had TONS of similar stories to tell. He couldn't believe it.

His old high school buddy comes to visit in a week and a half, he is a much better guy. Definitely from the country, and kind of backwards, but I'd rather deal with that.

At any rate, happy 3 months!! What a rocky start, I pray it will be smoother from here on out.

Little Scare

2006-08-23T11:32:00.000-06:00

My husband's cousin is in town, and coincindentally, a good friend of mine was coming back to her home town, about 4 hours away. There was a lot of stress about how I could get there, and not ruin the cousin's vacation. I wanted to just drive myself, but my husband was concerned that we don't have cell coverage all the way through the mountains, and what if the car broke down, etc. My friend saved the day by inviting me to spend the night, and let them drive on to Moab, and I had a GREAT time. Except that on Sat afternoon, I started spotting, light cramping. I almost passed out when I saw it. We were at her aunt's house, who is probably dying of cancer, and I did NOT want to bring more drama, so I snuck out of the house, and called my doctor. She said that a lot of times, sitting for too long can cause spotting, due to the constant pressure-- she said to call if the spotting became bleeding, or my cramps got worse. They didn't, thankfully. I laid down on the floor at her aunt's house, and then after the next morning ,things were MUCH better. I didn't call my husband, as I didn't think it was worth upsetting him over, and it seems that it wasn't. I had just a little spot yesterday, and today seems completely clear. Whew! I was pretty freaked out, but I managed to hold it together.

I got to see her adorable 2 year old son, what a cutie! And so smart! Her family is so cool, they are all just themselves, no pretense. Which is completely different from my family, at those big gatherings, everyone has to put on a front, so they can impress everyone else..yuck!

My husband and his cousin are gone on a fishing trip, I think they are having a good time, although it always ends with nerves a little frayed. I'll be glad to have him to myself again. I hate the fact that the only time he has to take off is taken up by his friends, rather than a vacation with me. Of course, my maternity leave is coming out of my sick and vacation time, so I can't really take any time anyway. But boy, do I want to!

Total Elation

2006-08-15T13:22:00.000-06:00

We had our doctor's appt this morning, it was wonderful. The new nurse practitioner was very nice, I liked her a lot. She was very professional, and very empathetic with our previous situation. I was VERY anxious, as was my husband. We told her our story, so she went right to the ultrasound. And there it was. A thing that actually is beginning to look like a baby!! It was sucking its thumb, flipping around, waving its arms and legs, it was an amazing sight. I can't believe all of that is going on inside of me!! I cried while I was watching it. Unbelievable. I know this has been happening for thousands of years, but wow. This time, it is happening to me!

I am officially building the web site tonight. I was holding off on doing anything like that, but I asked the doctor when would be a pretty safe time to go public, and she said, right about now is pretty safe! So, I'm going to let my guard down a bit, and try to be optimistic. Just seeing how energetic it was made me feel really good. The heart was beating away, too. As was mine!

Holding pattern

2006-08-10T08:03:00.000-06:00

9.5 weeks, Sunday will be 10.

We are pretty much in a holding pattern right now, which is good. I am still pregnant, at least for now, and we have a doctor's appointment on 8/15, a week from now. I changed the offices where we go, as we just weren't sure we could face that nurse practitioner that gave us the COMPLETELY WRONG information and made us think we didn't have a baby in there. I think it will just be easier not to have to face her again...
Of course, it will have been 3 weeks since we last had an ultrasound, so we are both pretty nervous about whether things are progressing as they should be. I am SO SO tired right now, I hope that is a sign that my body is building a baby in there. I wish my job had more women in managerial roles, because my boss just doesn't understand why I'm tired... I don't think he knows that pregnancy makes you into a zombie. He asked me what I did on the weekend, I told him I slept for the most part, and he acted so surprised, asking me "Why would you do that?" Ummm, because there is a little parasite inside of me, sucking the life force out of me! I literally get up in the morning, and an hour later, I want to go back to bed. Instead, I have to go to work! Oh well, hopefully not too much longer until my energy returns.

I have to say that I've been pretty optimistic, but now that the appointment is getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous about it. I don't know why I can't shake this fear, I keep telling myself that I've had more good appointments than bad, but it is still very scary. I thought about renting one of those Doppler heartbeat monitors, but I'm afraid I could get pretty obsessed with it. Still, it would be nice to hear the heart beating, and know that everything is okay, rather than going through ANXIETY HELL, where I am now.
We'll start talking about the nursery, etc, and then I think STOP! don't let yourself get his far...

And then, if I get that far, we have the amnio to worry about. I'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I keep reminding myself that BOTH of my grandmothers had children in their late 30s, one of them at 39 (and this was back in the fifties) and none of them had Down's Syndrome. I'm hoping that is a good indicator.

I'm still riding my horse, but I'm getting more and more nervous about it, I went out on Monday, and there was guy riding a four wheeler down in the Highline Canal, so you couldn't see him all of the time, just every once in a while he would pop up, scaring the bejesus out of Charlie. He did really well, and then when we came up to where the truck and trailer were blocking half of the trail, he just decided, that's it, I'm out of here! And wheeled around and tried to run off, which went quickly from a dead run to a trot, and then I made him turn around and go back through the area. I didn't really get scared until the second time, and I remembered I was pregnant-- so I got off and walked him through several times, and then he was okay. But I was a little nervous about things after that. We'll see how things go, I may ride for one more month, and then hang it up. I'm hoping to get my husband to ride him a bit, I think he would enjoy it, and Charlie will take care of him.

Our next few weeks will be busy... my husband's cousin is coming to visit next Thursday (he just told us yesterday) for a week. That's fine, he is a very close friend, I feel very comfortable with him around. He has two children, and I'm sure will be giving me all kinds of pregnancy advice-- none of which I will want!! But I know he is just trying to help. Then in September one of my husband's long time friends is coming out to visit. He has known my husband since junior high school. They spent a lot of time together when we moved back to TN last year. I would love to visit my friend in San Diego, but my maternity leave will be strictly vacation time, they don't have short term disability insurance here-- can you believe that? So, if I take any time, I think it will be to see my Mom, as her health won't permit her to come out and visit once the baby is born, so it could be years before I see her again.

I am so tired of counting down until the next appointment; hopefully if I make it to 12 weeks, I'll relax a little.

Exhaling Now

2006-07-26T08:35:00.000-06:00

Things went well at the doctor's appointment. I almost didn't make it, there was road construction, and what usually takes me 5 minutes took 30. In addition, it was 105 degrees, and my car started to overheat, so I had to turn the heat on. I was a sweaty, anxious, angry mess. I guess it was good in a way, it took my mind off of worrying for a little bit.

By the time we got to the doctor's office, we were pretty anxious, but were trying to make small talk about ANYTHING else. We went back, and the doctor came in, started the sonogram very quickly, and again, I didn't look, until he said, very quickly, "You're good!" Then I looked over. He showed us how much the embryo had grown (quite a bit, he said), and showed us the yolk sac. The embryo seems so be moving away from it a bit, although it is hard to tell too much without a lot of zoom on the picture. He showed us the heartbeat, said it looked great, and I won't see him personally until I'm fifteen weeks (about 7 weeks from now). I have another appointment with the same nurse practitioner that gave us the HUGE scare to begin with, on Aug 14. At least my appointment anxiety level won't go up so often, as I won't be going as much.

I do feel a little more relaxed, however, I know anything could go wrong at any moment. I had a miscarriage dream night before last, and when I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream. I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I think if I make it to the 12 week mark, I'll feel a bit more confident.
I did pull my pregnancy book out from hiding.

And I certainly do have symptoms. I have been EXHAUSTED every day. When I get home I just want to sleep for 3 or 4 hours, then go eat, then go back to sleep. In addition, I am starving every two hours. And although my breast tenderness went away for a bit, it came back with a vengeance. I welcome every symptom. It means my body is still producing hormones, and that is a good thing.

I'm trying to be more optimistic, as I think it will help me mentally. I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant now, Sunday will be 8 weeks, climbing ever closer to that oh so lovely 12 week mark. If I make it that far, that is when I will make the official announcement here at work. That is when I'll try to relax a little.

Don't Think About Elephants

2006-07-20T10:30:00.000-06:00

You know how if someone says "Don't think about elephants?" You HAVE to, at least for a millisecond, think about elephants. I'm more or less doing this on a second by second basis. Don't think about whether you'll miscarry. I think about it. Next Second-- same thing. You get the picture.

I would swear my boobs aren't as tender, and that makes me nervous. It could be that I'm just getting used to it, but then again... sigh. We go for another ultrasound on Monday, the 24th. I wake up every day, counting down how many more days. I pray that everything is going great. Of course, if it is, then I have to wait a month until I see him again, but I would like to have that opportunity. I have noticed an incredible fatigue this week, more so than I've had in the past. I'm hoping that is a good sign, that my body is working very hard to build this human. I hate to admit that I do, from time to time, think of the Bob the Builder motto: "Can I build it? Yes I can!" (Yes, I changed the "we" to "I", for obvious reasons). I have hidden my pregnancy book, and haven't looked at the ultrasound picture since Tuesday. I won't, until/unless I have another healthy one to go with it. Even then, I'm not going to allow myself to get too attached, which is sad. I wish I could be confident that everything is going to go perfectly, and in 8 months I'll have a perfect baby. But, for some reason, I just can't buy into that. Not after that first appointment.

I've wondered if I'll ever reach a point in this where I'll feel a little more relaxed. And I really don't know if I will. I keep thinking that if I can make it to 12 weeks, I'll feel a bit better. Of course, that is when all of the deformity testing is done, which will bring on a whole set of new worries. I just hope we get the chance to worry about them,if this pregnancy makes it that long.

A Small, Probably Temporary, Miracle

2006-07-18T12:40:00.000-06:00

So, I go to the appointment yesterday. I managed not to cry much before we went. We didn't even talk about it on the drive there. We just laughed at stupid stuff, talked about going to Dairy Queen after the appointment, just normal stuff.

So, we get there, I check in, and the nurse comes to get us. We go to the SAME examination room. Really, at this point, we have both faced reality and realize what has to happen. The nurse asks me what's going on, I tell her the story. I change and we wait for the doctor.

The doctor comes in, and the first thing he says is, "I wish I could say I'm excited about your numbers, but I'm not". I replied by saying yes, I knew they weren't good. He talked to us about our miscarriage options, and I begin to tear up a bit, but I managed to stay away from full on sobbing. He told me I was holding up well, under the circumstances. I told him it was just because all of my fluids had been cried out over the weekend. We told him we wanted to try the medication induced miscarriage (at home), and he offered to do it that day. I told him I'd have to wait until the weekend. He said okay, and he wanted to do one more sonogram just to confirm the numbers.

I assumed the position, and he moved the monitor over so we could see it. I didn't even lift my head, I didn't want to see it. And then, probably not 30 seconds into it, he says, "I have to take back everything I just said." Me: "Why?" Him:"There's the heartbeat." My head popped up. What? Last week there was nothing. He showed us all around my uterus, measured the embryo, said I was 6 weeks, 1 day along. He was quite surprised as well. "What about my numbers?" I asked. He said he wasn't concerned at this point, that after the fetal heartbeat is detected, they go by the ultrasound, not the numbers.

The last person that saw me, a Nurse Practitioner, evidently paid no attention to me when I said I took a pg test on 6/11 and it was negative. She was thinking I was 11 weeks instead of 5. I wonder how many years she took off of our lives. At this point I don't care, since, at least today, the embryo is alive and well. I have another appointment on Monday 7/24 for another ultrasound. I pray that that little heart is still beating, and at a normal rate. Unfortunately, as the doctor said, really at this point there is nothing anyone can do, if it is going to miscarry, it will. If it isn't, it won't.

So, while I am wildly surprised and overjoyed at this, we are both trying desperately to hold on to our guard. We want to expect devastating news at each appointment. The last one was so awful because we weren't expecting it. But, for just a few moments, we let ourselves be happy. And we did go to the Dairy Queen afterwards.

I am trying to just relax and realize that whatever happens, happens. I have absolutely no control over it.

hCG blues

2006-07-17T12:54:00.000-06:00

Well, I called to get the results of the test on Saturday morning. Not very good. Went from 7527 to 8832, only about 1200 up, it should've been like 3500 up. So, I have an appointment today, probably to talk about my "options". That means to discuss the various ways to abort a dead not-even-an-embryo. It is amazing how such joy can turn into such amazing, sharp, desperate, hideous pain. My husband lost his Dad when he was 9, his mother died probably 13 years ago. He has dealt with a lot in his life. I feel so immensely guilty for adding one more horrible event to it. He keeps saying he wanted this too, but I know that if I had not brought this whole stupid thing up, we would've just bumped along without going through this hell.

I did tell my boss this morning about what is going on, why I'm having to go to the doctor twice a week, etc. Although, after today, I bet that stops. Just one more appointment after that, to get it out of my body. What a fucking disappointment. I am so, so angry right now. And I generally don't get the long term, smoldering anger, usually I'm the explosive, done and over type. But this time, I am bitter. I really want to punch every pregnant woman I see. If I hear one more person tell me how many people have miscarriages, and how "I can try again". I'm going to explode. I have almost successfully convinced myself that I really don't want a child anyway, it would be a huge burden, and an incredible pull on my time. Life was good the way it was before... before this hellish nightmare began. I was able to stay somewhat upbeat for 8 months while we tried.... but I'm out of upbeat. All that is left is despair, and bitter, bitter anger.

Waiting

2006-07-14T08:00:00.000-06:00

So, I'm waiting on Monday. I go today to get my 2nd blood draw. This sucks not knowing. If I'm going to miscarry, it would be good to at least know that and get it over with, instead of constantly switching from clinging to hope, then losing it all the next second. This is driving me crazy. In the literal sense. I cannot take much more. I keep picturing the doctor saying "Your hcg levels look great, and they are rising as they should." Then, of course, he would do an ultrasound, and viola! there's the fetus. But then, the next minute, I picture him saying "I'm sorry, but the levels are declining. This pregnancy is going to fail." I don't know which I should hope for. I don't want to think positively, then be punched in the stomach like last time. I think I am going to ask the lab person when the results from my last test will be ready, and when these will be ready. I think I have an idea of what they should be, and if I can cut down on the waiting, that would help a lot. I just can't stand not knowing. A part of me has already given up. And a part of me is so angry that I can't deal with anyone right now. It takes a major amount of strength just to smile and act as if I don't want to strangle the person on the other side of my desk.

Of course, after the NP told me the pregnancy wasn't good, and sent me down for lab work, a woman with a newborn baby comes up right behind me. It took everything I had not to burst into tears right there, but I did once I got into the lab. Luckily, a box of kleenex was right there. Right now, I feel that if this pregnancy fails, I don't want to try again. I don't think I can go through this anymore. I know this happens to everyone, but right now I feel completely alone and VERY pissed off. I would swear my boobs are less sore, and I'm not going to the bathroom as often, but the symptoms didn't start until a day or two after my positive pg test, they haven't lasted any longer, so it makes me believe there is definitely a chance that I have NOT been pregnant for 11 weeks. I guess I'll have to wait until Monday to know for sure.

And, of course, two people we barely know (I've met them once) have asked if they can stay with us this weekend, on their way up to Breckenridge. At the time, I didn't mind, but now it just feels like a HUGE invasion of our privacy. I don't know how I'm going to work on Monday, just waiting and waiting... I may have to call in sick, and try to work from home.
Now, I'm going to try to get to work, and focus on something else, if I can.

Bad news

2006-07-13T09:42:00.000-06:00

Well, we went to the appointment yesterday, I told her about my LMP being 4/26, but negative test on 6/11, etc. She said "well, we'll start with your LMP and go from there." She then gave me an exam, and then started the intravaginal ultrasound. My bladder was too full, so we had to stop, then I went to the bathroom and came back. At that point, I was kind of wondering if something wasn't right, but tried to put my mind at ease. She started again, and turned the machine around, and said , "there is the yolk sac, but I don't see anything else. I don't think this is a good pregnancy." For a second, I thought I was having a bad dream. We both just kind of said "okay". A minute later, she showed us the printed picture, and it dated me at 4.5 weeks pregnant, rather than the 10 weeks based on LMP. She showed it to us and said, "this doesn't look like it should." AT that point, I was completely emotionally gone. I asked what would happen now, and she explained that they could induce a miscarriage, and everything that was involved in that process. Then, she asked me again when my last negative pregnancy test was done, I told her Jun 11, my positive was July 1. I didn't do any in between. She starts turning a wheel, and writing things down, and says, "Why don't we check your hcg levels, just in case?" So I had blood drawn, and then I go back tomorrow, and then on Monday, they can tell me if they are rising as they should, or if they are not, and I need to terminate the pregnancy, because it isn't viable.

My husband is the most incredible man out there. He was incredibly supportive, we both cried, and he was so careful to make sure I knew that I didn't cause this. After I called my Mom, got home, and quit crying, I went upstairs and did a search on the Internet. At 4.5 weeks, all you should see is a yolk sac. You shouldn't see anything else until 5 or 5.5 weeks, maybe 6. I think what she was concerned about is that if I am truly 10 weeks pregnant, that the pregnancy did not proceed past 4.5 weeks, and a miscarriage is impending. But I think that 4.5 weeks (gestational age) is entirely possible, given my negative test on 6/11. I guess I can't do anything but wait and see, but I sure don't feel like working right now. I don't feel like having to be nice to people. And I sure don't care if my deadline gets met or not.

I dreamed last night I had a miscarriage. It was so real when I woke up I thought it had actually happened for a second. I was having cramps, but I do have them a lot, woke up, walked it off, and went back to sleep. I'm having some now, as well. I'm trying so hard to keep from going from optimism to pessism, but it is hard. I guess Monday will get here eventually. I just have to prepare myself for the news that my pregnancy is not progressing. It is amazing that something I've known about for a week and a half has so much impact on me. I had started to replan my whole life. I guess I'll know better than to do that again, won't I?

Doctor's appointment today

2006-07-12T07:51:00.000-06:00

Okay, if you had some doubt of how neurotic I am (and why would you?). I actually had test anxiety about failing the pregnancy test at the doctor. I took another one just to make sure I would get a positive result! How funny is that! I have my first appointment today, I'm hoping we can get a better guess of how far along I am. Of course, I want to know EVERYTHING right now, I want to do an ultrasound, tell me my baby is free from defects, and that everything is perfect. Unfortunately, I know that is impossible. I think I'm going to learn a lot of patience throughout this process.
Why is it when people find out your pregnant, they tell you these atrocious stories of something that happened to their friend's friend, like the umbilical cord choking the baby, etc. I don't want to know this, HELLO! I don't need anything else to worry about!!
I rode Charlie last night, just a short ride, but it was awesome. I tried to start him on a nice slow trot, which he did for 2 steps, and then broke out into a canter. I didn't mind, it felt so good. I'm able to turn him and go back the length of the polo field(quite long) as well, so he can now run two lengths without coughing, I don't know if he could go more, as I let him rest for a minute after doing two. That is incredible, considering for the last year, he's had no ability to run at all without coughing. It does my heart good. He just seems to be doing really well. His hooves are growing in nicely, no more splitting and chipping, no more stumbling. It is amazing how terrible the farriers in Tennessee were. I told them they were doing his hooves too flat, he had no heel, but of course, they just laughed at the stupid little woman... bastards!! I'm so glad to be back in CO and able to take care him the way he deserves to be taken care of...I just hope I can do the same for my baby.

Hopefully I'll have something good to report from today's appointment. It would be cool if I were 8 weeks along, I really don't think I'm 10, as the first day of my last period would indicate, only because I took my pg test around Jun 11 and it was negative. I guess we'll see!

My intestines hate me

2006-07-10T08:37:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm still pregnant, and it is really interesting the way my body is reacting! It seems that every time I eat, I get intestinal cramping, not productive ones, but just the cramps. But, if I don't eat, I feel as if I'm going to faint. So, I just keep eating, and endure the pain. Somewhere, someone is laughing! If I can have a healthy baby, it is all worth it.
I told my Mom on Friday, and I have to say it was the cutest. She was so excited, she said "I have to move around, I can't sit still" . We have a sort of love hate relationship, but at that moment, I couldn't have loved her more. It is pretty sappy, but it was really special to tell her, and then she told me stories of when she was pregnant with me, and suddenly you have something BIG in common. You've both created life. And suddenly I have a bit more empathy with her, as I contemplate raising a child, and the struggles she had to go through. I love my Dad, but he was not the most supportive, loving husband back then. He is much better now, but he is married to someone else, which is probably the reason why! At any rate, it really tickled me to tell her. When I got her on the phone, here is how it went:
Me: "So, how does it feel?"
Mom: "How does WHAT feel?"
Me: "How does it feel to know that you are going to be a grandmother?"
Mom: "You're putting me on"
Mom: "No, are you serious?"
Mom: "Oh MY GOD!! I have to move around I'm so happy!"
Mom: "I've got to make a list of people to call."
Mom: "You're serious, right?"
Me (laughing hysterically): "Yes I am serious!"

It was great.

Back to Sanity (almost)

2006-07-06T08:20:00.000-06:00

Wow! I just read my last post, and boy, the hormones must've been swarming. I feel much calmer now, Kaiser did actually call that day, and the lady was so nice and congratulatory. I asked her some questions, and she made me feel much better about everything. Also, just to be absolutely sure, I took another test on Tuesday, and it was a definite POSITIVE. For some reason, that set my mind at ease. I'm still having cramps off and on, but it seems that if I eat, they go away...
On Tuesday night, my husband took me out to the golf course where he works, I LOVE going out there, he takes me on a tour in a golf cart, and it is such a beautiful course. I really enjoyed it, until the end, when I was hit REALLY hard by cramps, and then I thought I was going to faint and/or throw up. I was kind of freaked out, my husband ROCKS, he was so patient and kind with me, I just started walking, and it seemed to eventually help. He mentioned that it had been six hours since we had eaten! Neither of us realized it, and to be honest, I really didn't feel that hungry! But we ate, and the cramps went away, and I felt fine after that. So, note to self: whether I feel hungry or not, eat more regularly.
I am absolutely dying to tell people, but I kind of want to wait until the three month mark, when my miscarriage risk goes down. But I REALLY want to tell my Mom, so I may wait until we go to the doctor on the 12th, and then give her a call. I can't call her until then, because I can't keep it a secret if I talk to her. I'm also anxious to find out how far along I am. I haven't had a period since 4/26 -- but I took a test around 6/11, and it was negative. I didn't take another one in a week, as I was frustrated, and didn't want to have to be disappointed again. So, I don't know if we conceived some time mid May, which would put me at 8 weeks! I'm hoping the doctor will be able to have a better idea.
Sorry for all of the pregnancy stuff, but I am just so excited. I go between bouts of intense worry that something will go wrong, to intense joy. I guess either feeling could be justified, and time will only tell.
I've ridden my horse a few times, and it is hard to get over thinking "don't fall, don't fall" all the time, even though I haven't fallen in almost two years. He totally feels my nervousness, and tests me, and once I set him straight, he calms down and so do I. He really is such a safe horse, otherwise, I wouldn't attempt riding him. I know women that have ridden up until they are 7 months, I don't think my nerves can take that! I'm figuring probably 4th or 5th month, and then Charlie gets a rest!

Roller Coaster

2006-07-03T12:49:00.000-06:00

Well, I still haven't had my period. It is now over 2 months overdue. I decided to take one last pregnancy test. And, it was positive! I was so incredibly overjoyed. I called my husband about a zillion times, he finally called me back, and we cried together. It was wonderful. I was just beside myself. Now, the anxiety is beginning to set in. I was thinking that if I could just make it until I could get a doctor's appointment, to confirm everything looked ok, then I would be fine. But I call Kaiser, the shittiest health insurer in the world, and they won't let you make an appointment. You have to call a main number, and they'll send a message to someone, and they will hopefully call back within 2 business days, which is 3 more days for me, since the fucking fourth of July is tomorrow. I can't believe I have to wait 3 days until I can even schedule an appointment. Work is so busy right now, I don't know how I'm going to get away to even go to an appointment. I hate Kaiser right now. And I hate that I'm paying 438 dollars a month for the privilege of being talked down to by a cold, unfeeling customer service rep who could care less how worried I am about being pregnant, 35, and possibly 8 weeks along. And I am having cramps. I asked her if there was someone I could talk to, since the recording says this is the OB/GYN counseling line, and she says "I can add it to the message". Gee, thanks, maybe I'll send a letter to Santa Claus at the North Pole, I bet I get an answer sooner. It is amazing how quickly I went from euphoria to incredible anxiety. And they don't even care!
I went to get car tags today, had to go back to the emissions place, went through all of that, and still kept my cool, until I talked to Kaiser. If I don't hear from them by the end of today, I'm going to Planned Parenthood on Wednesday. It'll cost me less, and hey, they actually sounded as if they wanted to help. Amazing.

Doing something about my weight

2006-06-22T11:29:00.000-06:00

For the first time in three years, I am motivated to do something about my weight gain. Three years ago, I did the Body For Life diet, and lost 30 pounds, and I was in INCREDIBLE shape. We moved to San Diego, and my routine was completely blown, stress set in, and three years later, I'm 30 pounds heavier again. Until this week, I just didn't have the motivation/discipline to do the diet again. BUT, this Monday, I started getting up at 5:15, getting myself to the gym every morning, and following a diet. So, I've done it for four days now, not ground breaking, exactly, but I haven't been able to stick with it for this long in 3 years. Wish me luck. I am really uncomfortable with the way I look right now, and the way I feel. I'm back in CO, and I want to be able to enjoy it! Also, if I ever get pregnant, it would be a good thing to be healthier. I currently weigh 158 (down from 159!), which is quite heavy for my 5'3" height. None of my clothes fit anymore. Even the big ones! I feel really good, probably just because I'm actually doing something about it. Monday, I felt tired, but after that, I've been pretty energetic.

Last night, I went for a ride on my horse, and it started raining. It felt so good, and it was cool, as I could picture myself coming in on a cattle drive in the rain, like a real cowgirl. Then, the thunder and lightning started, so I pushed him into a gallop and got back to the barn quick. He is such an awesome animal, Sunday I was out riding him around, and we found a new trail, that winds alongside a river; it is just beautiful. However, there were many trees and foilage, much different from the wide open spaces we're more used to. But he took it like a champ, he seemed as eager as me to see what was around every bend. I had a great time. I could pretend I was on the Lewis and Clark expedition, exploring new frontiers...

I am so grateful for the wonderful people/pets I have in my life: my INCREDIBLE husband, my two dogs and cat, and my horse. My job is pretty darn good as well. If I can stop blogging and get back to it!

Ahh, Neurotic Freedom

2006-06-16T11:04:00.000-06:00

I love that I can ramble on about random, esoteric little items, and no one has to pretend to listen. I can complain, bitch and moan, and no one has to pretend to agree with me. Just typing it is such a therapeutic exercise-- and I don't have to concern myself with what a bother I'm being to someone else, this rocks!
I had a wonderful day yesterday, here at work I am in charge of quite a large undertaking, and I actually felt as if someone trusted me and wanted to hear my thoughts about how we should proceed. It has been a long time since I've felt that someone actually believed in my abilities, it was quite refreshing, and a big confidence builder! It seems that so often, you are told that you will be doing such and such, and then you end up sitting in front of a computer doing the crappiest work you could imagine. I think there is some jealousy among my co workers, as I haven't been here nearly as long a they have-- yesterday I walked into a room where someone had just said " Was it my name here?" with an incredulous, accusatory tone-- but when she saw me walk in, the subject completely changed, with no explanation offered. I was at first a little ticked, but I've thought about it, and really, I don't care! I'm happy to get a little recognition, and I'd probably be pissed too if someone new came in with better skills, and they jumped ahead of me. I certainly didn't ask for it, it was offered to me. The only thing I can do is try to be nice, and try not to give them a reason to hate me, if that's possible...

In other news, I am kind of disappointed in someone I've known for years, I've kept in touch with him via email for the last year, and then when I moved back, I invited him to lunch, he said he was going out of town next week, we'd get together the next week, and that was a month ago. This is not a romantic interest in any way; I'm happily married, as is he. He is more of a mentor, he has taught me a lot of what I know in my field. Part of me wants to email him and ask what the heck I did to tick him off, the other part wants to block his address from my email-- (such a 6 year old mentality-- there, that'll show HIM!!), and another part wonders if he never really liked me, but just kept up our lunches and emails because he thought I could help his business. It is hard to just let go of someone, but it is clearly time to do it!