color me embarrassed

So, about five minutes after that last post, this lady I work with came in and told me they were going to have a shower for me. Boy, did I feel bad. No one here even knows I have a blog, so I know they didn't see my post, but talk about timing! They are giving me one this Thursday, which is very nice, and there is cake from my favorite bakery and everything!

We had company AGAIN last week, my husband's cousin, wife and two kids. It wasn't as bad as it could've been, but I think the problem is that I'm almost 9 months pregnant, and I just don't feel like dealing with extra people in my house. They were very good guests, and the kids were well behaved, but I am still just exhausted. And we had to go to a baseball game on Friday night, which was horrible. I had been up since 4:45 that morning, and I was so tired. Of course, when there was only one out to go, somebody hits a home run, and the game goes into extra innings. I was so pissed and tired, and at this point it was about midnight. I got the keys to the truck and walked back and laid back in the seat. I think I'm still recovering from the lack of sleep that night. I am so tired, my head is nodding as I'm typing this. The cool thing was that they brought me their breast pump, which will save us about 320 dollars! yea!

21 Weeks

21 weeks as of today. I'm starting to seriously shop for cribs and bedding. And I really want a camcorder, so we can show the kiddo what we were like before he came along. Most days, I have enough energy, some days I'm tired, but overall, I'm functioning fairly normally. I do feel some movement, just a little blip here and there, and then nothing for a long while. Mostly at night when I'm still for a while, I'll feel it.

Thank God the vet said the pup should be fine to sleep all night, and he is! He sleeps from about 9 or 9:30 until 5:45 or 6:00, and it is absolutely the most wonderful thing. When I started getting that much uninterrupted sleep, my energy level went WAY up. Aaaahh....

We really, really want to move back to the South. I miss it so much each day. I've looked for other jobs, and pretty much when they find out I'm pregnant, they don't want anything else to do with me. So, I think I'm going to stick it out here, have the baby, and then move after a couple of months. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find a job pretty quickly once I'm there, and we can live in my Dad's house for a couple of months rent free. That is a pretty big step, but we really are tired of being here. I'm tired of fighting bill collectors constantly, we can't afford our house, etc. It is just time to try to sell the house and move on.

Still Truckin'

Monday, I'll be 19 weeks along. 19 weeks ?! I really can't believe that I get to type that. Wow. I'm in maternity pants now, I'm not sure anyone else can tell, but I can certainly tell that I'm pregnant when looking in the mirror. I'm still tired sometimes, but I have more energetic days than not. I am warm most of the time. Yesterday was chillier than it has been, I think the high was 45 degrees, and it felt wonderful to me. This is a big switch, as I am ALWAYS cold. I'm enjoying it immensely.

I'm eating as if I were gestating an elephant in there. Two breakfasts a day, one around 7, then other around 9. I'm still not feeling any movement, I hope it comes soon.

The pup is growing so fast! He has calmed down a bit, I don't feel that I have to watch his every move anymore. It is so funny though, sometimes at night, he'll get these bursts of energy, he'll grab a toy and just run circles around the house, upstairs, then downstairs. It is hilarious. When he is finished, he'll run down the stairs, into the den, and then leap (without slowing down one bit) onto the ottoman. Then he looks around, very pleased with himself. So cute! He still gets in biting moods, but the spray bottle seems to curtail it for the most part.

We take the pup to the vet tomorrow for his last set of shots, and I'm going to ask if she thinks he is old enough to make it through the night without having to use the bathroom. Cross your fingers that she says yes. I am so tired of getting up at 2 am. Husband has not been helpful at all. He did it once, and complained that it wasn't good for his sleeping pattern. Guess what? It isn't good for mine either, and I'm pregnant, for Pete's sake! But I just gave in on that one, and told him to enjoy it now, because when the baby gets here, he's going to have to pitch in. I'll make sure I wake him up every time I get up, if he doesn't. I love Husband very much, but he can really be irresponsible sometimes. However, he is very helpful on the weekends, by watching the pup so that I can take a 2 or 3 hour nap. That is worth a lot!

14 Weeks and still holding in there

Well, we made it past the 13th week. Today is 14. And the heart was there this morning, beating away, as if to say "What's all the fuss about? I'm doing my job here!". I'm relieved and a little more nervous about the quad screen now. I wouldn't really let myself think about it too much, as that would happen after week 13. And now week 13 is over, so I have to find something else to worry about. I go for the quad screen a week from today, hopefully to get the results by 2/23 or 2/26. I'm scheduled for the level II ultrasound on the 27th, and the amnio, if necessary, afterwards.

I'm still scared to tell anyone I'm pregnant. I'm scared to post this, because I'll have to look at it if something bad happens, just like I did for the other one. It was really weird, I got my hair colored and cut yesterday, and I told the colorist that I was pregnant, in case she needed to do something different. She was very congratulatory, and of course, asked if this was my first. I hesitated, but told her that no, this was my seond pregnancy, the first one didn't go well. I felt for her, you could tell she wanted to ask all of the questions that preggos usually want to hear, for instance, had I thought of names. I just told her that I was too nervous to get that far yet, and I hope to God that the screen and ultrasound will put my mind a little more at ease.

The great part is that we leave for Vegas a week from today! I'm looking forward to sleeping as long as I want to, and not having to get up to let the puppy out for a few days. I feel horrible about leaving the puppy in a kennel while he is so young, but I haven't really had a vacation in about two years, and I need it! I'm sure the pup will be fine.

Hello to Henry!

We have a furry addition to our family, a 5 pound, 8 week old Lab/German Shepherd mix. We got him from the Humane Society on Friday. He is just adorable, and rambunctious, and ferocious, just what we needed. I won't say there haven't been some tense times, I was so tired Saturday night, and we put him in his crate to go to bed. We put it in our bedroom, as we thought he might like to be included with everyone else in the same room. He put up the biggest fuss, making such a racket! We slid the crate into the spare bedroom, turned the light on very low, and shut the door. He whined and pitched a fit for about ten minutes, then finally shut up. I was so tired, it was a much bigger deal than it should have been. Luckily, Husband was able to take up my slack. Of course, any time I get tired or frustrated, I think, "Oh my God, am I going to be a terrible mother?" and so on. Additionally, I feel so guilty when I have to leave him, which is every day for 9 hours or so. The other dog is very hesitant around him, but has stopped snapping at him, and even allowed him to walk under her without any incident. I think things will be back to a routine in a week, I certainly hope so.
I went Sunday to visit my horse, and I left Husband and Henry alone. It was like leaving my baby for the first time, I kept wanting to call and check in! It was nice to get away for a bit though.
I received my Doppler on Friday, and tried to find the heartbeat that night, with no luck. I did not freak out though, as I've read countless accounts of this same experience. Saturday, I drank a lot of water so that I'd have a full bladder, moved the wand around and around, and suddenly, there was the woosh-woosh sound. The Doppler showed a rate of 165. It moved away after about 20 seconds, and I moved around for a while, and found it again, way high, just below and to the right of my belly button. This time it stayed there for a bit. It was so cool. Husband was in awe. I am theoretically at 12 weeks today; that doesn't mean anything to me, other than I'm getting closer to the time when things went bad for the last one. I sure hope I can be reassured by hearing the little woosh-woosh every day, particularly before the doctor's appointment, so I won't be completely ready to pass out before I go in. The pre-appointment anxiety is the worst!

So weak!

I caved in and called the doctor's office to see if I could come in earlier, and to my surprise, they scheduled me for that day! So Tuesday, I drove over, a little nervous, but really pretty much okay. The baby was there, heartbeat and all! I'm so glad I went because if I had waited 5 weeks to see the doctor, I would've been a basket case. Now I only have 2 and a half weeks until I go again. And the baby measured 10 weeks! By the measurement on the ultrasound last time, I should have been 9 weeks 3 days. I'm really excited by this, as last time, it ALWAYS measured smaller than it was supposed to be. Not much, but some. So, the next appointment will be 13 weeks. The last one died at 13 or 14 weeks, they weren't sure. My uterus measured 13, the head circumference measured 14, crown to rump measured 13. So, I'm hoping that if I go at the beginning of week 13, and everything is looking good, maybe I can come back in the 14th week, and if everything is good, I'll let my breath out a little. I'm ordering the Doppler rental, even though my husband wants me to wait until we go to the doc again. I really don't think I'll freak if I can't find it, as I've read numerous accounts of people not being able to at first. I just think it would be really cool if I could find it, and then when I go to the doctor, I won't be so nervous, because I'll be able to check in on the heartbeat.
We are supposed to go to Vegas (please be warm) over President's Day weekend, which will begin my 15th week. So, hopefully I'll be pregnant and grateful for a vacation, or I'll have just finished a D&E and will be glad to have a break. I'm praying for the pregnant option, please. I think I am supposed to schedule my amnio soon, but I am so, so afraid to. Last time I had the amnio scheduled for the next day when we found out the baby had died. I had to call, completely in tears, to cancel. I know I've got to make the appointment. I just don't want to have to cancel it. Fear is a terrible thing. Part of me thinks that everything really will be okay this time. The other part is terrifed to believe that! I know that the only thing that will give me confidence is time. So here's to a quick passage of the next few weeks!

How many more months until May?

I am supposed to be working, and I just can't seem to concentrate for more than 10 minutes at a time. I've played solitaire so much I should have my own show on ESPN. All was good at the doctor's appointment. At least, I think so. The nurse practitioner was very nice, but there was something on the ultrasound next to the baby, she couldn't make out what it was, so she called a doctor in to take a look. The doctor looked very quickly, said, "I have no idea. There's nothing we could do anyway, hopefully this one will be uneventful." Just like that. This was a woman!! I felt like leaping up from the table and strangling her. Great bedside manner, babe. I've scheduled the next appointment for when I should be twelve weeks, I'm hoping that will give me some kind of check on the heart rate and development. After that, I may come in for week 13 and 14, because that is somewhere around when it died last time. I have a good feeling about this one, I'm trying to repeat that over and over again, to ward off anxiety. It works, sometimes. I was expecting a huge sigh of relief, but for some reason, it didn't give me any satisfaction. Hopefully after the 15 week mark (if I make it that far) and the amnio (if I make it through that) if I get normal results, I'll be much calmer.

Speaking of anxiety, we are supposed to get MORE snow this friday. Every Friday for the past 3 weeks, we've gotten snow, first 3 feet, then 1 foot, and supposedly another foot this Friday. I am OVER it. Usually, we get a nice week or two in between the storms, the snow has time to melt before the next one. Not so this winter. I have four feet of snow in my front yard. I can't bring in my Christmas decorations, because I don't know where they are. They are buried under eight feet of snow, because the four feet that was on my driveway has been shoveled on top of the four feet in my yard. Husband has been really missing Atlanta, and I tell you, I hate moving, but a winter like this will make me do it. Luckily, I'm pregnant, which would make finding a job VERY difficult right now, so we'll have to wait and mull it over before we take any action. I do love Atlanta, and I've always thought I would end up there when I was older, but it is looking like in the next two or three years, we'll be moving there. I miss trees a whole lot, there are none, or at least, very few here. And I miss the fact that in March, I can wear shorts. Rather than May. I do love Spring (when we get one) and summer here, but my God, it is going to seem like it never gets here. I haven't ridden my horse on a trail in 3 or 4 weeks, because there too much snow on the ground, at least up to his knees. Luckily, I have an indoor arena, but it is scary because the ground is frozen and pretty hard and slick.

Morning Sickness, anyone?

So, I was definitely nauseated this morning, not something I really experienced with the last one. I wish that was a good sign, that this one is different and better somehow, but I really know that it doesn't signify anything. I am finding that if I keep something on my stomach, it seems to dissipate-- which is great, now I have an excuse for nonstop eating!

I've already gone and screwed up my plan of not telling anyone, I told my Dad yesterday. I won't let anyone congratulate me though. He tried, and I said "you can congratulate me when I deliver a healthy baby". I hope I can stick to that. Husband and I were discussing this, and if something happens early on, we'll try again. If it goes as far as last time, forget it. I'm really hoping I can stick to the attitude of what happens, happens. I used to feel that I HAD to worry before an appointment, or something would go wrong. I realize now that no matter how much I worry, if it is going to die, it will die, and conversely, if it will live, it will live! Personally, I'm voting for the latter.

Still pregnant, at least for today!

If only I had a parachute...

Well, I'm pregnant again. After only one month of trying!! Pretty incredible. I told myself I was going to wait until I was three months late to take another test, but I gave in on Saturday, which was actually three or four days before my period is due. I peed on the stick, and watched, and thought, nah, it is negative, but then I came back and looked again, and indeed there was a very faint line. I immediately went upstairs to ask Husband if it looked like a line to him. He was so good natured about it, considering I woke him up at 6:30 in the morning to discuss the subtleties of the pink line. So, yesterday, I bought another test, and this time, the line was MUCH stronger. No doubt about it, at least for this second, I am pregnant. Again.

We were both pretty calm about it, a little yea! and then our armour came on. Don't want to spend too much energy on it this time. I sure don't want to start planning my life differently. We were going to use the room we have as an office for the n....ry (i don't even want to type it), and we were just beginning to buy some office furniture, Husband asked if we should stop buying it, and I said no. If I make it to 8.5 months, we'll move the stuff out. Otherwise, keep building the office. I will not read a baby book, buy any memory books, take home any ultrasound pictures, or browse any baby sites at least until after the amnio. Which means I'll have to make it that long. I did tell my Mom, as she was quite helpful the last time when everything went to Hell. But I'm trying very hard not to tell anyone else about it.

The good thing is that I know the conception date within two days, so I'll know if it is measuring small or not-- although I really don't think it did last time. I am definitely going to have to watch what I eat, I gained so much weight and never lost it, I'm a little worried about it. I went to the gym this morning, and plan to start going three or four times a week, I figure that combined with horseback riding should give me a lot of exercise.

Speaking of which, I rode him (the horse, not the husband) in the indoor arena, and he started to cough, cleared his nose a few times, and we were suddenly able to trot and canter! I hope this continues, as I would LOVE to be able to ride him at night throughout the winter. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, here we are, jumping out of a plane without a parachute....