Arrrggggghhh

Total rant and venting ahead, proceed with caution:

The place where I work, oh man, it is so funny and weird. The clerical whose cube (it is more open with a sort of “breakfast bar” type thing on the front) is right across the aisle from me came in yesterday and asked me if she could put her head down and go to sleep. In my cube. While I’m working. I feel for her, she’s pregnant, so I know she’s tired. But sharing a 6x8 cube with someone else sleeping behind me? Weird. And, if her bosses(my bosses, too) came into my cube and saw her sleeping on the clock (she’s paid hourly), I can’t imagine what would unfold. But, being the weenie that I am, I said it was okay. So she slept in my cube for an hour. Do you know what it is like to have someone snoring two feet behind you while you try to figure out how to choose the proper encryption algorithm?

And every time I get anything to eat, she comes in and asks if she can have some. I got some M&Ms yesterday, and I had to try and not make a rattly sound with the wrapper, because I was hungry and wanted to be able to eat them all. She’s a sweet girl I guess, but a little strange. It was hilarious; I would sneak out like five of them, and then hide the bag in my drawer. I used to eat cereal at my desk in the morning, but every time she heard me pour the cereal, she’d come over and ask for some. And it isn’t an issue of not having the money to eat; she just bought a new car. I’m all for sharing some, but come on! Oh well, maybe it’ll be good for me, if I don’t eat at my cube, maybe I’ll lose some weight! She could start her own company called “I’ll Eat Half Your Food”. Lose Weight! Feel Great! I’ll Eat Half Your Food! And then sleep with you within an uncomfortable radius.

Asshat (in the cube next to me) is having digestive issues again. God help me. I actually practically yelled “Putting on my headphones!” while he was giving details on his phone call approximately a foot away from my ear. There are certain things you don’t do in a cube farm, people. Digestive issues go on the “no-no” list. Step out into the hall, and use your cellphone. That, and you never, ever comment on a personal conversation someone is having, even if it was so loud that anyone could hear. I know about every fight that asshat has had with his wife, but I never act like I have any clue about it. It is an unwritten code.

I’m definitely starting to get more negative about this company, and I’m trying to do better. They are building a new campus with all of this state of the art equipment --the workstations are new, to allow light from all the windows, the monitors are on swing arms, everyone has their own vents so that they can control the temperature, they are going to have Starbucks coffee, water machines!, actual breakrooms with a sink! (and soon we'll get one of those newfangled light bulbs I've heard so much about), etc. Up until a couple of weeks ago, as far as we knew, we were going to be moving there in April. Then they told us that although everyone else in the company was going to the new campus, they hadn’t planned correctly, and there wasn’t room for us, so we are staying in our building, which was (I’m not kidding) last renovated in 1984. No light, urine colored walls, cubes, carpet (that has stains ALL OVER IT), the bathrooms are hardly ever in service, and oh, they are taking away the restaurant downstairs. Yeah, so I’m kind of bummed. Stupid little extras like that really go a long way. And no plans to renovate our building. Just be grateful you have jobs, was what we were told. Which is true, I know, but yeesh.
AND, every other team in our department has scheduled their Christmas party. Except us. I don't think we are getting one this year. Which is fine, as long as they let us have the half day off. Which they probably won't-- they probably didn't "plan properly" for it. At least I just mistyped "for it" as "for tit" and got a good, juvenile laugh out of it!

Why didn't I join the Army when I had the chance?

My cube is right next to the clerical’s desk, and the supply cabinet is almost directly behind me. This incredibly desirable location comes with many features like:

1)Hearing every phone call the clerical receives and initiates. This includes those wonderful personal conversations. She’s pregnant AND has a kid she is trying to toilet train. No conversation before 10 in the morning should include the word ‘grunt’, you know what I mean? And I’m not really interested in the state of your bowel movements, thank you. I was pregnant, too, and no one except for my poor beleaguered husband was clued in to the state of my intestines. And, believe it or not, if you repeat something exactly as your kid says it twenty times, it just isn’t cute. It may, however, result in a stapler being thrown over my cube wall and **accidentally** embedding itself into your forehead.

2)Being a part of every trip to the supply cabinet. The cabinet is metal, so when the door is opened, it makes a loud clanging sound. Then, if the person stands there for a few minutes, the clerical will ask them if they need some help finding something. More times than not, it is something that they would NEVER find in the supply cabinet. I’ve heard people looking for stamps, toilet paper, clothes hangers, nail clippers, nail polish remover, and Vaseline(I don’t want to know).

3)Providing visual stimulation to my coworkers. If the clerical is busy, and someone is waiting for her to become not busy, they like to stand directly in my cubicle “doorway” and stare over my shoulder at my monitor. I installed a mirror on my monitor after finding one too many of them standing there, silently, and completely without my knowledge. Creepy.

In addition the person in the cube right next to mine is a real class act. He likes to talk about EVERYONE behind their back, is extremely paranoid, and loves to talk FOREVER about things you don’t want to know about him. I know when his wife had her IUD removed to try for another child, I know the night that they tried, and that she is pregnant now. I know the entire plan for his big drain rerouting project in his yard. Every time one of the bosses comes by to speak to me about something, he always comes over to tell me all of the bad things that the boss has done to him in the past. Yesterday he announced that he was “going to go poop”. Either they won’t talk to me at all, or they talk WAAAYY too much.