Over it!

So, my relationship with my family is weird. Strained, disjointed, and weird. I have a brother 3 and a half years older than me, I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over 13 years.

My mother and I, oh my goodness I don’t know where to start. Basically, every once in a while, we kind of function. The rest of the time, she is either trying to make me feel guilty for not doing what she wants me to do for her, or is putting down my husband (who, by the way, is really pretty AWESOME) or my father. She also likes to spout off about how whatever I think or believe is wrong. She is seriously crazy. Very unpredictable, and sometimes quite scary.

M’s aunt and uncle have been in the picture quite a lot lately, have taken quite an interest in Sam. I’m quite surprised by our relationship with them. It is so easy. There is no constant drama . His aunt actually called to check on me this week, just once, not enough to worry me about invading my privacy, to make sure I was doing okay with M out of town. I’m speechless really when I try to convey to them how grateful I am.

I think they think I am joking, they just can’t imagine that I’ve never had someone with whom I didn’t have to constantly be a diplomat, trying to pick out the correct way to say something so that it couldn’t be twisted against me. I had to take a “personality” analysis for my employment here, and my top skill was diplomacy. They were quite impressed at this, as I guess it was a fairly rare skill to have in the technical field. I wasn’t surprised at all.
Since about 7 years of age, I’ve had to carefully construct anything I had to say, or it would be used against me. She could be tender, loving at times, but you never knew when. Some days, she would wake up, push my brother and I out the door, and say “I don’t want to be a mother today, get out and don’t come back!” I’m not exaggerating.

Luckily, we lived on a bit of land, and my brother and I would explore for a while. Sometimes we could come back and listen and tell if she was asleep, so we could sneak back in and get lunch. I became so afraid of making her mad that I lost the ability to show anger. About anything. When I went to drug rehab at the age of 16, they tried everything to get me to show anger, even falsely accusing me of doing something against the rules that resulted in my losing privileges. I just couldn’t do it; I didn’t realize how weird that was at the time.

When I was about 11 or 12, and my father moved out, my mother quit being a mother completely. My brother, who was disgusted by my very existence, and dealing with the trauma on his own, was no comfort or help, nor should he have been. I started cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. I dreaded when I would have to tell her that we needed groceries. She was the only one with a driver’s license, so I didn’t have any other options.

It was a horrible time. I felt lonely, abandoned. I couldn’t do much socially, as she would get so angry if I asked her to pick me up from anywhere. I’ll never forget a slumber party I attended once. She got lost on the way there, and had to call for directions. When she got there, all the girls from the party and the parents were standing out on the front porch. The other parents that had come to pick up their children came up and introduced themselves to the party giver’s parents, and thanked them. I was waiting for her to do the same, but instead, she rolled down the window and said, “Get in the Godd****d car!”. Everyone shuffled around nervously and avoided eye contact as I made me way to the car, dreading the verbal assault that awaited me.

I think that lasted about three years? My father wasn’t any help, he was newly married with a new baby, and really didn’t want anything to do with his old kids. It probably didn’t help that our mother had us call him to ask about the alimony payments if they were a few days late.

When she finally decided that she was ready to come out of her bedroom, she wanted to be the Mom again. It ticked me off. It still ticks me off. She left us to be on our own for years, and then suddenly, we’re supposed to respect and obey her again? Maybe that is the crux of my problems with her; I’ll never fully forgive her for it. I feel guilty because I don’t feel any real love for her, and she is a pitiful person. So, I try to act the part even though I don’t feel it.

And since then, she’s “sick”, which translates to her doing nothing but smoking, sitting on the couch playing video games, and collecting money on disability. And complaining. This has gone on for years. Every time she doesn’t want to do something, she’s “sick”. She didn’t attend my wedding or my college graduation. She was “sick”. Maybe that should be my excuse for not dealing with her. I’m “sick”. And tired of her!

I haven’t spoken with her for almost a month now, and this has been one of the most peaceful months I can remember.

I remember being worried about being a good parent for Sam, before he came along. And now I know that it won’t be hard to outdo my childhood.

Know When to Hold 'Em

I hate to think of missed opportunities. With all of the times we’ve moved, I feel like we’ve missed out on so many things that could’ve materialized if we had stayed put. Friendships that could’ve become strong, the paths of our lives could’ve taken different turns if we had been somewhere else. I wish I could say I was one of those people that said ‘I wouldn’t do anything different, where I ended up is where I’m supposed to be”, but I’m not. I’m not talking about my marriage, or my son. Both of those things are the best parts of my life. But I suffer from a constant second guessing, always wondering what if we had stayed here, or not moved here, I had taken that job instead of this one…

It is such a contrast to most of the people here. Most lived here all of their lives, went to school here, got a job and have stayed in it for years, and plan to stay there for years. It never occurs to them to look for something different. I’m not sure if they are perfectly happy with the way things are, or they just don’t think there is anything they can do about it. While I have been able to experience and see things that most of these people don’t even know exist, I envy them their stability. And I sometimes think that if I can just make myself stay put for a while, it will “stick”, and I won’t want to go anywhere else. But then I get a little nudge, a little scratch in the outer edges of my mind that says, “do not settle”, and I start questioning why we are here, why I am doing what I do for a living, etc. And I wonder how to change it.

I guess you could say I’m wiling to gamble on new opportunities, I mean having a baby is the biggest gamble of all, and that paid off BIGTIME. What I’m trying to figure out is if I will ever get to a point where I’m ready to count my losses and step away from the table. And if I should event try to get to that point.

Cue the goats

I don’t dream often; usually I go right into deep sleep, since I never get enough. But when I do dream, it is pretty entertaining. Take my last one:

Playboy calls me and says they are doing a “spread” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) on the “everyday” woman, and they want me to be a part of it. The dream did not address how they got my number, or the fact that I never answer my phone if I don’t know the number, but anyway… So, I talk to my husband, and he’s all “Yeah, my woman’s going to be in Playboy!” , and it’s all set. We go to the shoot, and they slather makeup on my body, and while they’re doing it, I’m not self conscious at all about being naked, but then I look down. And realize that I forgot to shave. Not my legs. And it is this huge, 70’s era porn bush that looks as if a shitzu is sitting on my lap.

I’m all like ‘Oh my God, I forgot to shave!”, Yeah, for like ten years, apparently. So, I’m trying to be all non chalant and giving my husband the “Hey, come here” head movement, and I whisper to him the situation. At which he looks down (why he wouldn’t have looked before I have no idea) and has a reaction exactly the same as if he’d seen a lion gnawing on my leg. I excuse myself to the restroom, and go through the drawers and find a razor. The size of a postage stamp.

Luckily, I woke up after that. I’m not sure what would’ve happened, as it would’ve taken a herd of goats a week to get through that.

What a really nice weekend. And very busy, but I felt so satisfied on Sunday night. I hate those weekends when you end up rushing around trying to get things done on Sunday night, like coming up on a deadline for a term paper that you’ve put off until the last minute. And even though I hadn’t ironed clothes for work, or put our clothes away, or completed a multitude of other tasks, I still felt very…contented, I guess you would say.

We had a great 1st birthday party, our child could officially start his own eBay toy store. And it seems that most of them talk or sing to him, which he loves. I wish we loved it as much! It was fun watching him dig into the cake. He didn’t like it very much, which prompted my husband to ask for a DNA test, post haste. We both love sugar so much that I’ve contemplated building a shrine to it in our bedroom. Made entirely out of sugar cubes and gum drops. Sort of like the house in Hansel and Gretel. But without the oven baked children, thank you very much (how did that not freak me out when I was a kid? I don’t remember even being particularly scared by it)

Because of the proliferation of electronic voices in our house, we decided to go low tech and get him a sandbox and an outdoor swing. Both of which will be big hits, I’m sure.

In other news, I moved the horse to a closer place, which is stressful for me and him. The barn where I keep my tack is completely empty, and it is so strange, the only feeling I can compare it to is this: once, when a bored and reckless teenager, a group of us broke into the school one night during summer. It was very eery… a place that is usually so full of noise and commotion was entirely and perfectly still and quiet. It was very unnerving. As was the custodian who busted us. Oops.

A barn is usually very noisy, horses stomping, whinnying, snorting, etc. And in the main barn, that is exactly how it is. But in this one, it is full of the Scooby Doo haunted theme park vibe. Very silent. Lots of empty stalls where many, many horses spent a good bit of their lives, back in the day. There is a room with a hot walker in it, and if that thing starts going on its own one day, God help me. I’m going to store away a Bible and crucifix, just in case. And make sure that I'm with a cuter, scantily clad girl. They always bite it first.

But aside from that, it is a very nice place, with lots of great hayfields and pasture to ride in, wide open, which I really like. And they have a huge arena, which will be great for working on my riding and getting Charlie back in shape. And it is ten minutes away, compared to the hour I was driving. I was gone a total of 1 hr 40 minutes yesterday, had time to unload my tack, groom him and ride and then drive home. Compared to the three and a half to four hours it used to take me. I found myself trying to drive really fast to get home, and I had to stop myself, to remember that it was only a ten minute drive. And I literally felt a weight come off of my shoulders. It is amazing how you can get so used to carrying around a 25 pound ball of lead and not even know it.

Here’s to shedding all of those weights I’m unwittingly carrying around. And hoping I don't replace them with doughnuts. Or, more likely, birthday cake.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today, I went to my appointment, where they stripped my membranes and said if something didn’t happen by the end of the week (this was on a Monday), they would start to consider inducing. When she said this, I actually teared up. I wanted to have this baby already! This was my due date, after all. They did the non stress test, due to blood pressure issues, and something made them check with an ultrasound, to see amniotic fluid levels. The nurse said it looked like I was going to get my wish – and ten minutes later the nurse practitioner was telling me to check in at the hospital, and the doctor’s name, and Mike was frantically calling the kennel to see if they had space for the dogs, and realizing that I STILL hadn’t finished packing my bag (even though he had nagged me about it for weeks), and wow, and ohmygod, and wow and this is the last time we’ll ride in this car alone for a long, long time, ohmygod, call my boss to say I’m having a baby today, ohmygod, wow.
Checked in, got into my pimped out suite, changed into my gown, and Mike went to take the dogs to the kennel, finish packing my bag, call everyone to say ohmygod we’re having a baby, ohmygod, and worrying that somehow I was going to have the baby during the two hours he was gone. I remember lying there, thinking, let’s get this show on the road! They gave me a iv of fluids, which kind of sucked because I wasn’t able to walk around when the pains really started up. They did it so I’d be hydrated for the Pitocin. But guess what? I didn’t need the Pitocin. They inserted misoprostol, the contactions came, and boy! Were they close together, and STRONG! Fast forward to csection, and hearing our boy cry for the first time. It is unbelievable that a year has gone by. Our lives are completely and totally different. I thought I would miss our old life more, and there are times when it is hard to want to do something for yourself, but something with him at the same time, but we love being his parents. We love his little melon head, the vision of the top of it floating by as he crawls around the den, usually carrying a toy in one hand, and headed for the next place to pull up and cruise. I love seeing him first thing the morning, standing up in his sleepsack, all sleepy eyed, and his face bursts into a smile upon seeing me. I love watching him in the bath, splashing, and trying to grab the water in his hand and drink it. I love hearing him say “hey” to the cat and dog, and his mangled pronounciation of the words “kitty” and “doggie”. I love that no matter how hard I’ll try to get him to say “MaMa”, he’ll look me right in the eye and say “Daddy”. Most of all I love that fact he exists. Our lives are so much better for it. Our lives have more joy, more worry and more meaning now. I love him honestly more than I could have even imagined. What a year! And I hope we have many, many more.

Worth It All

We are struggling. Money is so tight right now, we actually gathered up change last night to deposit into our checking account. Luckily, there was quite a bit of change, but what if there hadn’t been? We are so tired of living paycheck to paycheck. It wasn’t always like this, and it is hard sometimes to remember “back when”. But jobs changed, salaries changed, and our debts stayed the same. Much of our drive behind moving back here was that the cost of living was so much lower, it would be easier to get back on our feet. We have gotten up almost to our knees a couple of times, only to be beaten back down. We have come to the realization that M has to find a job. And there are no jobs in his field to be had here in this small town.

I’ve got three more months until my obligation to my employer is finished, and then I’m free to move if need be. And I think we’ll have to. I really am not thrilled at the thought, but I’m not sure what else to do. Literally, we are down to our last bit of money. We were supposed to start daycare on the 11th, and we don’t have enough for that even, so we have to put it off. This current crunch is because a commission check that M should’ve had a week ago still isn’t here, and it doesn’t look like it will be here for a while. But even without that circumstance, we are still living very precariously. And we are both tired of it. So, if we have to live somewhere not so great for a while until we can actually get on our feet again, so be it. I just hope we can get there before it is too late.

S turns one a week from tomorrow, and I can’t believe it. One! After all we’ve been through, I don’t regret one second of it. It was all worth it. Every time I look at that little boy’s face, my heart grows two sizes. I mean it. As mushy as it is, he really does make it all worthwhile. And when I look at his face, I know that the struggles we face right now will get better. And it will all be worth it.

Waiting to settle in

We are renting a house in a very trendy area of Chattanooga, it is very close to a lot of the things we like. It is also a little too close to things we don't like, for instance the house next door that gets rented out nightly for parties. We were unaware of this situation when we rented the house, and the first weekend after we moved in, we noticed that the formerly empty house was suddenly inundated with cars and people. Every weekend, and some weeknights, there has been a large gathering. And almost every gathering has required that my husband go over and ask them to keep it down, as the baby's room is practically part of the house next door. Usually, folks are apologetic and usually quiet down, or take it inside, which solves the problem. Sometimes, it doesn't work out that way, and we have to call the police. I could handle it if it happened once a month, but every single weekend is really not good.

So, we're moving again. We found a GREAT place, very large, screened porch, a little more out in the country, large lot, more separated from neighbors, and very close to baby's daycare. It seemed too easy, and we are both worried that something will fall through. Provided that it doesn't, we move in about two and a half weeks. We found the house about two weeks ago. So, we've been living with one foot here and one foot there, so to speak. This is beginning to wear on us, we're tired of this ready-at-a-moment's-notice type of lifestyle. I hope this place provides us a more permanent state of mind.

Nashville Star Confessions

I am going to make this terrible confession: I am hooked on Nashville Star.
I am currently watching. I love to root for my favorites, and I love to criticize the ones I don't like. Who could ask for more?
Gabe is my favorite. I just LOVE his voice, and he just seems like such a sweet guy.

I'm watching Melissa, Justin, and Tommy stand there to find out who is going home. Melissa was looking at Justin like "If I get sent home, I'm going to kiss you square on the mouth." I really like her, though. I hope she doesn't get voted off. As a fellow big girl, I have to root for my team, you know. She's doing True Colors. I'm a little afraid. It sounds really good, I'm not sure if it will be "country" enough. I'm crossing my fingers for her, because homegirl can SING!

Yea! She did well, the judges basically fell on the floor and rolled over to get their belly rubbed by her.

It is down to Justin and Tommy. M and I are both hoping that they won't let them sing again. Do they sing again, or just get booted? I can't remember.c?!

Oh no, they do let them sing again. What is up with those awful really low vneck tshirts? They are horrible. Girls just want to have fun -- oh dear God. No way, he can sing! No way, no way. This is really good! I really didn't think he could carry a tune. Did Geoff really have to eat the paper? Jewel honey, why are you wearing Saturn's rings on your ears? I had to turn my negativity on the judges, I was so ready to unleash it on Justin.

Tommy: OMG. Maniac?! Wow. Oh my. He can't sing. At all. This is BADDDDDD. BAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD. The backup dancers! So bad. I can't wait for the judge's comments.

I personally can't sing at all, short of lullabies to S. That makes it even more fun to criticize. Just like those gymnastics commentators. I LOVE them. They are always jumping on any sort of mistake, "Oh Elke, that is going to cost an entire point, that is just unforgivable at this level. You know when I was in the Olympics in 1964, you would've just gone out and lit yourself on fire if you had done that." It is the greatest.

I actually watched the gymnastics Olympics qualifier thing last night, and I always go into it thinking I just want to watch the mistakes, and then about five minutes into it, I start wincing when they make one. I'm such a big cheeseball, I really want all of them to do well. And were it not for my love of watching Olympic gymnastics, I couldn't have perfected the Kerri Strugg hop when getting up from the couch while 9 months pregnant. Yes, it got funnier every time.

Poor Justin! He did so well this time too. Oh well, he still has his modeling career. Oh Billy Ray, the words need to stop coming out of your mouth.

Time to hit the hay --

Actual conversation today

Driving down the road:
Me: 10 to 1 that is a camel toe situation!
Me: Actually, I'm calling camel toe fanny pack combo...
Him: I'm saying a definite camel toe -- I'm a maybe on the fanny pack.
Me: I think if it were both, it might be a sign, you know, like that white buffalo and the Native Americans said it was a sign that they would come back to power?
Him: So, you think that camel toe/fanny pack people would rise again?
Me: It's a distinct possibility.

I'm so glad our son isn't old enough to repeat what we say.

My old pal the Pill

I haven't been on the pill since October of 2005. I didn't realize it had been that long, but apparently it has. I start up again this Sunday, and it is a strange feeling. Like the end of an era. I've been either obsessed with trying to get pregnant or keeping a pregnancy for two and a half years, or in ovulation obsessed years, forever. Now that I have a baby, that era is over. I honestly think that is why EVERY month I convince myself that I'm pregnant. It has become a way of life for me. And I'm finally ready to let it go, to get back to being myself. If I can remember who that was. And hopefully she's been away at a spa all of this time, and is thinner, happier and incredibly popular.
Did you see the spot on the Today show about the lady who's metal ornament on her thong flew off and hit her in the eye? She is suing Victoria's Secret. Boy howdy.

My job is quite the interesting place -- the men there want nothing to do with the women there. Some of them talk to me, but only about as much as they need to. They go to coffee every day, but never invite me. I've started saying completely weird things out loud, just to see if anyone will say anything, like "Why would you want to do THAT with a cow?" and so far no one has gone for it. I need to get more creative, I guess. I love a challenge.

Crazy comes for a visit

Wow, it has been too long. We went on a fantastic vacation to the beach. It was fabulous, wonderful, and everything a vacation should be. We were nervous about traveling with the little bugaboo, but overall he was great.

In our true fashion, we immediately decided we should move to the beach. And of course, I started posting my resume. And of course, had a phone interview which resulted in the company asking when I could fly out to interview. And ASTOUNDINGLY, we talked about it and decided to ride it out a bit longer here. Here's to being an adult -- at least for now.

I'm watching the coverage on the announcement that Tiger Woods is going to be out for the rest of the season. They are interviewing all of these other PGA guys about it, and they all have the same look in their eyes, the one that says "Hey, maybe I'll actually make some money this year!", while they are saying how sorry they are that he'll be out. I'd love it if someone would just come out and say that. It would be much more interesting!

Tell me why if I'm two days past my usual period start date, even if I've used birth control and don't particularly want to be pregnant, I feel compelled to take the darned test. And I still feel a little disappointed when it is a negative, even though I was VERY worried that I might be. I really can't wait to get back on the Pill. It leaves so much less window for Crazy to sneak in.

Bad Week

Monday May 12 8:15pm
Positive pregnancy test. Mike goes out to get more, just to make sure.
Yep! They are all positive. We are very happy, and very in shock.
Tues May13
ask a coworker about what doctor she used when she had her baby. She of course asks if I'm pregnant, and after swearing her to secrecy, I tell her.
I make an appointment with the doctor, two weeks from now.
Wed, Thurs
still pregnant, starting to get a little excited about the prospect
Friday 9pm
That afternoon, I tell my husband that I have a bad feeling about this pregnancy for some reason, maybe I'm trying to be cautious. I go to the bathroom. Bright red blood, clots, etc. Cue the violin music.
And the bleeding begins. I'm cramping, not terribly so, and bleeding, not terribly so. This is definitely a LOT easier than miscarrying at 16 weeks. I'm sad, but the timing sucked, and if it had to go, I'd rather it go earlier rather than later. We're talking about trying maybe after Sam turns a year old.
I'm okay. Sad at times, but then I look at my sweet little baby boy, and I know we'll be okay.

Catching Up

I can't believe how long it has been since I've posted. My workplace shut me down, so I have been so incredibly lazy about updating my own blog. But I think it is time to start up again. And I want to reinvent it somewhat, make it more than just a daily journal. I'd like to try out my storytelling skills. Believe me, I'm in the land of good fodder for all kinds of commentary. God help me.
I just saw a preview for a show called Criminal Minds. The criminal was shown rubbing his face on a woman's feet, and saying "they're softer than I remember". Does having a foot fetish make you a scarier ciminal? I know nothing strikes fear in my heart more than having someone rub their face on my foot. Although I would immediately think about how long it has been since I washed my feet. So my fear of foot rejection would be stronger than my fear of strange foot fetish man doing something strange with my toe cleavage.
This is not an irrational fear, I'm looking at my three week old nail polish, my toenail that still hasn't finished growing out completely from the Broken Toe Incident a year ago, and I have hairs growing out of my toes. Yes. Like a Hobbit. I do shave them, once a month whether they need it or not. I'm a high class lady.
I want to start posting pictures, but we moved two months ago, and I still can't find the cable for my camera. Or any of my jogbras. Or half of my tshirts. I did locate all pets and the baby. So, I'm farther ahead than I could be. I'm sure I'll find these items just in time to pack them all up and move again.

I'm obviously trying to find my rythm here, and it may be a little bumpy until I get there.

Shut Down by THE MAN

I was at work, and went to do my daily browse of blogs, and suddenly, anything blogspot is blocked. So, this means I actually have to find time to browse the web on my own time! What kind of world is it where I can't get paid to browse the web for my own personal enjoyment?
Christmas is sort of like nearing the end of pregnancy. It is coming, whether I'm ready or not. And I, most assuredly am not! I ordered a couple of things and none of them are going to be here on time. We just moved to Chattanooga, and we are in an old, old neighborhood, I think it was established in 1870 or something. At any rate, the mail carrier will NOT deliver mail unless we put up a mailbox at the end of our two foot driveway. Since we are renting, we can't really do this, so we got a PO box. That is good unless UPS is delivering, then you have to give them the physical address. Guess what? One shipper decided to send USPS (despite the fact that they said they were using UPS), so they won't deliver to my physical address. There is a forwarding order, which means it will be weeks until I see this gift. Arrrgggghhh. Merry Christmas, and all that. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, I know.

Husband is getting more okay with staying home with S. He is doing a great job with him, and I know it must be so hard to be isolated most of the time. S is apparently huge, being 15lbs and 26 inches at 4 months. The doctor seemed to think so, anyway. He is healthy, really starting to chug down the rice cereal, and is such a HAPPY boy. We cannot wait for Christmas! We got an exersaucer last night, the real fun begins when we have to put it together. I wish so much that I owned a video camera so that I could've taped the Assembly of the High Chair. There is always the obligatory "I'm going to throw this thing out of the window" even though we both know that it won't happen. My favorite part is afterwards, when he says "that wasn't very hard!" I'm laughing now just thinking of it.

We are really liking Chattanooga, it is a neat town. And I love the fact that I'm sitting here typing this listening to birds singing outside. The high is like 60 today. I think it is snowing in Denver. I really, really don't like the cold!

I have to brave Christmas shopping today, as two gifts won't be here, and we can't find our stockings or tree skirt. I get to spend the day alone with Spud as Husband is shopping too. I love it, I get to hog him all to myself. All the snuggles, giggles, and raspberries are directed at ME and me alone!

Also, I actually got a comment. I was thinking of bronzing it, as it will probably be the only one I ever get!

Another Adventure

And so we embark on another adventure...
We're moving back to Chattanooga. The movers come Monday, I fly out with Munchkin on the 31st (Happy Halloween!). H is driving out with the dogs and the cat, bless his heart. I'm going back to work for the same company I worked for before, but in a different department. I'll be making as much money as I am here, plus the boost from having no state income tax.
We found a beautiful, 100 year old house, and I can't wait to move in. It is in sort of a dicey neighborhood, but every house on our street has been redone, so hopefully it won't be too bad where we are. It is an incredible house, really my dream house.
My last day here at work is Tues, the 30th. I'm trying to get as much money as possible on my last paycheck. I hate moving so much, and we don't really have much money, so it is kind of hard. But I think it will be worth it. It has already snowed here, and I say Bleeccchhhh! Plus, I want the Munchkin to be closer to his grandparents-- they certainly make a fuss over him.

Sleep, wonderful sleep!

Sam slept from 9:30 until 4:00 this morning, straight through. It scared me a little when I woke up, but he was fine. He drank down 5 oz of formula, snuggled for a little bit, then I laid him back down. When I left at 7:30, he still hadn't wakened. I think he is okay, just changing his schedule up a bit. It was wonderful to have had that much sleep last night!
I think we are going to move to Chattanooga again. We flew out last Sunday to interview with BCBST with the same lady I used to work for. They called yesterday morning to make me an offer, for 63K. I just got a raise here up to 63 K! So, if it works out, it will be a good thing. There is no state income tax in TN, so automatically that is a 3% raise right there. Also, they will pay for someone to come out and pack up our house, and move us, and unpack at the new house. Much easier to move that way with a baby!
While we were there, Sam got to meet my mother and Mike's stepdad and aunt. Seeing their reactions really made us feel that moving closer would be beneficial for everyone -- Sam would be closer to his family, to be spoiled rotten as he deserves to be! We would have a support system, not that we would drop him off to be babysat every week, but it is nice to know that there are people around in case we need them.
Sam goes for his 8 week appointment next Tuesday, he gets his first set of shots :(. I know he has to have them, I just feel so bad when he cries!
He is changing so much, he smiles at you a lot, makes cooing noises, can turn his head back and forth -- Mike and I were lying on the bed with Sam between us, and we were talking back and forth over him, and he would turn his head to whichever side was talking. I've never seen him do this before, and he must have really strong neck muscles! Also, if you lean him forward on his belly, like to burp him, he can lift and hold his head up at about a 90 degree angle. He can hold it there for quite some time. When you feed him, if you talk to him, ask him questions, he'll make noises at you while he is eating, it totally sounds like he is responding to your question. He can sort of reach out for things, but he doesn't have great control over his hands yet, he just kind of thrusts his arm out there.

What a long strange trip

Today marks a year ago that I had a D&E. I thought of that as I was feeding my healthy, perfect 6 and a half week old boy this morning. I am so grateful that I am almost moved to tears each time I think about it.

Samuel Ross was born 8/14/07 at 2:23am. We went to a doctor's appointment on Monday, 8/13, and she ruptured my membranes, and then said she wanted to do a non stress test just as a formality because I had had high blood pressures in the last week. We thought nothing of it, and went into the room, which was now quite familiar to me. Sam didn't move around much, but he had been earlier that morning, so I didn't really worry about it. I was just waiting to be allowed to go. They came in and checked the readout several times, and then a lady with an ultrasound machine came in, and said she was going to check my amniotic fluid levels. We were joking about how I was ready to have this baby, so she'd better find bad results! About halfway through the reading, she said "I think you are going to get your wish!" We were stunned. No real danger to the baby, he just needed to come out sooner rather than later. My husband drove me to the hospital across the street, where they checked me in, and then he left to go take the dogs to the kennel, and finish packing my bag. I think I checked in about 11:00 am. I was changed into a gown, and a resident came in to check my amniotic fluid levels again. He agreed that they were low, and that we should induce. Everyone left, and I called my family to let them know that I was going to be induced soon. I turned on the TV, and my favorite movie, "Easy Rider", was on, which rocked! I thought about how I would tell Sam about all of this some day. I couldn't believe that I was going to meet him soon, and of course, I was contemplating what that would mean exactly. Our lives were never going to be the same, and I couldn't wait. They came in about 1pm and inserted miso~~ something to get me dilating. They told me they would check my cervix in 4 hours to see how dilated I was. I didn't really feel much, Mike came back with my bag, and we watched tv for a while. We were too excited to sleep. A doctor came in and explained the process to me, and felt my belly to see if he could determine how big the baby would be. I was starving at this point, I had eaten a bagel at about 7 that morning. They wouldn't let me eat anything but popsicles, and they brought me a grape one, it was the best popsicle I had ever had!
After 4 hours, (about 5pm), they checked my cervix, and it had dilated to 3 cm. This was good, but not really a lot of progress, although she said it was very, very soft, which was a good sign. They inserted another. About 30 minutes later, contractions started. They started out not too bad, but then progressed quickly to very painful, with less than a minute between them. I stuck it out for 4 hours, and then they asked if I was ready for an epidural, as my blood pressure was spiking because of the pain. I was about 5 cm then.
The anestesiologist(sic) came in, explained the epidural to me, and had me lean over the side of the bed. The contractions were coming so hard and strong, I had one while he was inserting the needle, and had to be still. I was using the breathing exercises I learned in the childbirth classes, and they really worked. I couldn't have done it without them. Mike was great also, wiping a wet washcloth on my head and neck during contractions. At any rate, the epidural kicked in right away, and the pain was gone, thank God! However, my blood pressure plummetted. Mike said he looked at the screen, and it said 10 over 24. They started scurrying around, and I heard one of the doctors say "Get the anestheiologist STAT!" I remember thinking that sounded like something I had heard on MASH. He came rushing in, and they gave me an ephedrine shot to get me going again. I heard her tell him that my bp wasn't coming up. He stood on the other side of the bed, talking to me, telling me about health care in Africa, about how they have doctors there that take a course for 6 weeks, and then travel around the region. I think he was trying to distract me, and see if I was dying at the same time. Mike had left the room, he was so scared. My bp did start to come up gradually, the doctor stayed in there for quite a while afterwards to keep an eye on me. They gave me oxygen. They gave me a shot to stop my contractions, because they were coming so hard and fast, but the shot didn't work. They were concerned about the baby, and attached an internal monitor to his head, and one to the inside of my uterus, to try and track how hard the contractions were.
They started coming in every 30 minutes or so to have me turn to the other side. I needed their help, because I couldn't feel my legs, due to the epidural. It was kind of a pain. I asked them why they kept turning me, and they said it was to "keep the baby happy". The doctor explained to me that the contractions were coming so fast that he didn't have time to recover between them, and that they were monitoring him to see how his heart rate was doing. I said, "if we need to do a c section, that is fine with me, his well being is the important thing". She said that it was definitely a possibility, but they wanted to monitor him for a bit more. Finally, at 1:30am, she came in and said "the baby is sporadically okay, and sporadically not okay, I would feel better if we just went ahead and got him out". We said okay, when? And she said, "Now". They brought scrubs for Mike. She said there was another lady down the hall that was going to need a c section, and they wanted to get me in first, so they wheeled me out before Mike was even changed. His blood sugar was going low, so he was trying to eat something. I kept asking him to bring my glasses with him, which he did.
They wheeled me into an operating room, lifted me onto the table, and there was a place to lay my arms out. I was shaking like crazy, and kind of in a dream like state. There was a curtain in front of my face, and the anesthesiologist was to my right. Mike came in, I was so glad to see him. He stood to my left. They worked for a while, we just kept saying how we couldn't wait to meet him. Finally, I heard a lady say "I know, you are going to be angry at me for pulling you out here, I see that face." And I knew that we were getting ready to see him. Mike said, "I just saw a hand just above the curtain!" Also, I knew he must be okay, because she was talking about him making facial expressions. Just a little bit later, we heard him cry. We both cried when we heard it. Then, they held him in front of the curtain so we could see him. That was the most wondrous moment in my entire life. Mike went over to where they were weighing him and assessing him, and he took pictures. After they were done, he carried Sam back up to my head to show him to me. The anestheiolgist took a picture of him lying right by my face.
They closed me up, and took us to a recovery room. As the epidural wore off, I was finally allowed to hold my son, and look into his eyes. Wow. Words cannot do that moment justice. We tried breastfeeding, neither of us really knew what was going on, but it was nice to feel him nuzzle. They then wheeled me down to a hospital room. We arrived there about 5 am.

They wheeled the bassinet in right behind us, and I remember thinking, Wait! don't leave him with us, we don't know what we're doing! He slept a while, and we did too. The lactation consultant came in and he had just woken up, and was crying. We told her we didn't know what to do, and she said "did you check his diaper?" We hadn't even thought of that! She checked it, it was dirty, and Mike changed his first diaper!

Sam is now 7 weeks old, I can't believe how the time flew. I wish like everything that I could stay home with him, but Mike is going to, and I am now back to work full time. It is hard to adjust to seeing him for only a few hours a day, and it is hard to be at work when I'm up every night with him, but it is well worth it. He usually eats around 11 or midnight, then wakes up again around 2, then not until 6. So, he doesn't really get up that often, and hopefully when he reaches 3 months, it might be even less often.

Home Stretch

Well, I'm officially 2 and a half weeks from my due date. How the heck did that happen? I can't, just can't believe it, and I am so incredibly grateful. I do have some anxiety about things going wrong, but as we speak, the little bugger is squirming around in there, so that makes me feel more confident. I think yesterday was the first day that I really felt like "okay, I'm ready to be done with being pregnant". My feet are swollen, my hands are swollen (when I bend my fingers, it hurts), and I am so, incredibly TIRED. I worry about how we are going to deal with a new baby and the puppy, I worry about how we are going to afford to take care of aforementioned baby, and if I will EVER get any energy back! My friend had her baby, and now my friend's sister is being induced as we speak. It is amazing, like we are graduating or something.

I've had several people (one man, even) tell me that my belly looks a lot lower than it has, hopefully this means the kiddo has dropped, and will be on his way shortly. I am so ready to meet him. We both are.

Husband is really sick right now, throwing up every 30 minutes or so, which is scary for anyone, much less a diabetic -- so I'm going home shortly to keep an eye on him (or, as we say in the biz, "take a nap"). I think I'm going to push for half days starting next week, as I'm getting so sleepy my head is nodding at stop lights on the way home.

I had a dismal phone interview today. I didn't really have any time to prepare, as H was sick, and I had to wrangle the puppy all morning (who, incidentally woke up at 4:45 this morning). So, I pretty much bombed it. H had a great interview with a company that would require us to move to Steamboat Springs, which would be pretty awesome. We'll see if it works out or not. I told H that if they bring him to Steamboat for an interview, that will, in no doubt, be the day that I go into labor. What a fun interview that would be!

color me embarrassed

So, about five minutes after that last post, this lady I work with came in and told me they were going to have a shower for me. Boy, did I feel bad. No one here even knows I have a blog, so I know they didn't see my post, but talk about timing! They are giving me one this Thursday, which is very nice, and there is cake from my favorite bakery and everything!

We had company AGAIN last week, my husband's cousin, wife and two kids. It wasn't as bad as it could've been, but I think the problem is that I'm almost 9 months pregnant, and I just don't feel like dealing with extra people in my house. They were very good guests, and the kids were well behaved, but I am still just exhausted. And we had to go to a baseball game on Friday night, which was horrible. I had been up since 4:45 that morning, and I was so tired. Of course, when there was only one out to go, somebody hits a home run, and the game goes into extra innings. I was so pissed and tired, and at this point it was about midnight. I got the keys to the truck and walked back and laid back in the seat. I think I'm still recovering from the lack of sleep that night. I am so tired, my head is nodding as I'm typing this. The cool thing was that they brought me their breast pump, which will save us about 320 dollars! yea!

Need to Vent

Over the years, I bet I've spent a couple of thousand dollars on shower gifts, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. I don't have very many close girl friends, so I really didn't expect a shower from friends. Two girls gave me a mini shower, completely by surprise, and it was so nice of them! Here at work, no one is doing anything. I can't believe it. I actually spearheaded a collection for a girl that started working here two months before her due date, I asked about giving her a shower, and no one wanted to give her one because she had just started. So I collected money, got her a cake, and gave her a Visa gift card. I didn't do it so that everyone would do the same for me, but come on! I've worked her over two years, and not a peep about a shower for me. I'm trying not to let it piss me off, but I'm beginning to get angry about it. I just attended a bridal shower for a 50 + year old woman (who has lived on her own for years), joined in like a good girl and bought her a gift. I can't believe that the people here are that uncaring. It just makes me feel angry and hurt. I was putting off buying certain things because I thought, that would be a good shower gift, not too expensive -- but now I have to buy those things because I'm getting closer and closer to my due date. I don't know how I'm going to not let it show that I'm really ticked off at this point. I can't believe how much I have supported these people and contributed to their kids' sales. You can believe all that will stop now, just let them ask, and my answer is going to be, Where was your support? Fuck off!

I'm not bitter...