So, I've given my notice here at work, tomorrow is supposed to be my last day. I'm cleaning out my cube, thanking God that I don't have to work with certain people any more, very sad that I won't be working with others. Then it hits me. I haven't heard anything back from the recruiter about what time I should come in, who I ask for, etc. No big deal, I think, I'll shoot him an email. So I did.
And then, I heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I called. He's out this week. I'm starting to sweat a little. I call the manager for whom I'm supposed to be working. He never heard a confirmation on my start date, but says to come on in on Tuesday, and ask for him. I feel a little appeased by this, but I'm getting nervous. You see, they had to do a background check, and let's be honest, my credit is less than perfect. MUCH less. It is getting better, but we had some rough times there for a while. No bankruptcy, but still not great. So, my inner voice is having a heyday. And I'm ready to throw up.
Then day care calls. S is whiny, crying, can't go to sleep. I want to be able to leave, to go get him, but now I worry that I might have to come crawling back into my boss' office and beg for my job back.
I want to cry, I want to curl up and go to sleep until this is over. Why can't anything go smoothly? Arrggghhh. I already deal so poorly with change. This is not making it any easier.
Showing posts with label craziness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label craziness. Show all posts
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
We got the band together again!
M's cousin came over last night, and we had way too much fun playing Rock Band. As a matter of fact, we've run through all of the songs! The highlight of the night? Me, trying to sing Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills". And Highway Star. Never did I know that the word "star" could be mangled in so many ways! So much fun.
Moving?
We know that we don't want to be here. We want a bigger city. So, I've been posting for jobs here and there. Long story short, someone in Tampa contacted me, I had a technical interview in which the guy told me that he was going to recommend that they fly me in, and that was two days ago. I've heard nothing.
Which may be good, because it gave me some time to stop and think. While we used to really enjoy the excitement of taking off for parts unknown without even blinking, we might actually ~miss~ some of our family. Weird, right?
We do certainly miss the type of outdoorsy culture more prevalent in the western us, but something tells me not to go too far right now. We're talking maybe about going to Atlanta, it would be an easy move, a much, much bigger city. We're still trying to figure it out. Of course, a lot (all of it) will depend on if I can get a job or not.
Weight update
160.6, and I don't think it is a fluke, because yesterday morning was 160.8. Oh my gosh, I could be seeing 150's in a week or so! Very, very exciting. I haven't been in the 150's since well before S was born. Maybe before the first pregnancy, I think. All of that angry eating took its toll!
Spinning class tomorrow again. Whew! I'm excited and scared at the same time, kind of the way I used to feel before taking off on my dirt bike. But it is good! Getting results like this really keeps me motivated. I have a pair of pants that are very unforgiving waist-wise, and I try them on every week to see how they fit. I have to say I feel a pretty big difference this week. I can tell that my stomach is definitely taking up less of the landscape. Whew hoo! Very exciting.
Size 12 jeans fit great, I'm pretty sure I could get into 10s, not sure that anyone would want to see it :)
Moving?
We know that we don't want to be here. We want a bigger city. So, I've been posting for jobs here and there. Long story short, someone in Tampa contacted me, I had a technical interview in which the guy told me that he was going to recommend that they fly me in, and that was two days ago. I've heard nothing.
Which may be good, because it gave me some time to stop and think. While we used to really enjoy the excitement of taking off for parts unknown without even blinking, we might actually ~miss~ some of our family. Weird, right?
We do certainly miss the type of outdoorsy culture more prevalent in the western us, but something tells me not to go too far right now. We're talking maybe about going to Atlanta, it would be an easy move, a much, much bigger city. We're still trying to figure it out. Of course, a lot (all of it) will depend on if I can get a job or not.
Weight update
160.6, and I don't think it is a fluke, because yesterday morning was 160.8. Oh my gosh, I could be seeing 150's in a week or so! Very, very exciting. I haven't been in the 150's since well before S was born. Maybe before the first pregnancy, I think. All of that angry eating took its toll!
Spinning class tomorrow again. Whew! I'm excited and scared at the same time, kind of the way I used to feel before taking off on my dirt bike. But it is good! Getting results like this really keeps me motivated. I have a pair of pants that are very unforgiving waist-wise, and I try them on every week to see how they fit. I have to say I feel a pretty big difference this week. I can tell that my stomach is definitely taking up less of the landscape. Whew hoo! Very exciting.
Size 12 jeans fit great, I'm pretty sure I could get into 10s, not sure that anyone would want to see it :)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
WW Commando
Feeling slightly less unhinged. So, I guess, you call me a little more hinged than yesterday. But not fully hinged, not by far.
I tried to sign up for Weight Watcher’s again yesterday. I hoofed it over about four blocks in the stinkin’ cold, using up precious gym time, but I thought it might be worth it to have some support. The WW person never showed up. How’s that for enthusiastic support? But, I’m thinking that was a good thing. The crowd was less than inspiring.
There was one person there who was there when I went to the meetings last year. And I remember being kind of annoyed by her last time, because no matter what you were talking about, she ALWAYS found a way to bring it back around to the fact that she’d been there for two years! And wasn’t that great! She knows all about it! Isn’t she everybody’s Miss WW! But here’s the thing. I overheard her telling someone that she’s lost, are you ready for it? 60 pounds. Yes, that is quite an accomplishment. It took her TWO YEARS people. TWO YEARS. My God, what, is she eating one less doughnut a day? Yeah, yeah, I know, good for her, blah blah. But I was so sick of hearing her tell everyone how great she was, and to find out that BFD, she lost 60 lbs and has AT LEAST that much more to go. So she’ll be nice and thin for her trip to Boca when she’s 70!
And then, the others. I heard one lady telling the other, “I know I gained two pounds last week, but I just can’t live without my half and half in my coffee and little piece of cake before I go to bed” – I don’t think I’d want to have to constantly clamp my mouth shut for fear of saying something very to-the-point.
I think most of this bitterness and urge to stab someone with a ten-pound-loss pin is that the last meeting helper type of thing I attended was a Narcotic’s Anonymous meeting, quite some time ago. (Yes, I’ve been clean for wait-let me count – 21 years now, and yes, I’m still clean, just don’t go to meetings anymore. I was sixteen when I got clean, so when I grew up, I didn’t really need any help living a clean life, as it is the only way I know. I wasn’t really feeling a need to be there, and haven’t for about 15 years now.) The NA meetings are a little more rooted in tough love, because addicts can certainly load on the self pity and are all too ready to heap the blame on everyone and everything else. I personally respond to this much better. I would much rather someone call me on my s—t than to coddle me. And I would much rather call someone else on it, too. All of that freaking rationalization about why they couldn’t give up a biscuit with their dinner? I wanted to shout “F—k, people, why are you HERE? GET OUT! You don’t want help!” So maybe I shouldn’t attend those meetings, I’m guessing.
I tried to sign up for Weight Watcher’s again yesterday. I hoofed it over about four blocks in the stinkin’ cold, using up precious gym time, but I thought it might be worth it to have some support. The WW person never showed up. How’s that for enthusiastic support? But, I’m thinking that was a good thing. The crowd was less than inspiring.
There was one person there who was there when I went to the meetings last year. And I remember being kind of annoyed by her last time, because no matter what you were talking about, she ALWAYS found a way to bring it back around to the fact that she’d been there for two years! And wasn’t that great! She knows all about it! Isn’t she everybody’s Miss WW! But here’s the thing. I overheard her telling someone that she’s lost, are you ready for it? 60 pounds. Yes, that is quite an accomplishment. It took her TWO YEARS people. TWO YEARS. My God, what, is she eating one less doughnut a day? Yeah, yeah, I know, good for her, blah blah. But I was so sick of hearing her tell everyone how great she was, and to find out that BFD, she lost 60 lbs and has AT LEAST that much more to go. So she’ll be nice and thin for her trip to Boca when she’s 70!
And then, the others. I heard one lady telling the other, “I know I gained two pounds last week, but I just can’t live without my half and half in my coffee and little piece of cake before I go to bed” – I don’t think I’d want to have to constantly clamp my mouth shut for fear of saying something very to-the-point.
I think most of this bitterness and urge to stab someone with a ten-pound-loss pin is that the last meeting helper type of thing I attended was a Narcotic’s Anonymous meeting, quite some time ago. (Yes, I’ve been clean for wait-let me count – 21 years now, and yes, I’m still clean, just don’t go to meetings anymore. I was sixteen when I got clean, so when I grew up, I didn’t really need any help living a clean life, as it is the only way I know. I wasn’t really feeling a need to be there, and haven’t for about 15 years now.) The NA meetings are a little more rooted in tough love, because addicts can certainly load on the self pity and are all too ready to heap the blame on everyone and everything else. I personally respond to this much better. I would much rather someone call me on my s—t than to coddle me. And I would much rather call someone else on it, too. All of that freaking rationalization about why they couldn’t give up a biscuit with their dinner? I wanted to shout “F—k, people, why are you HERE? GET OUT! You don’t want help!” So maybe I shouldn’t attend those meetings, I’m guessing.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
My moment of clarity
I went to Starbuck’s this morning, to get a Black Tea Latte. And the cashier had on a billabong hoodie. In one very swift and definite moment, the desire to move back to San Diego was born. This desire has poked up its head many times in the last year, but usually I have been able to brush it away, like a mosquito. this has been easy in the past, as I simply recite the list of Reasons Not To Move There:
1) the cost of living is HIGH and we can’t buy a house
2) the job market is not good right now
3) it is expensive to move
4) there aren’t any places for Charlie horse
And, of course, my answers:
1) We can’t buy a house anyway; our credit sucks right now. The housing market has come way down there, and maybe by the time we are ready to buy, it will be more reasonable. And I don’t feel a strong desire to buy anything right now. Last time we lived there, I was in a different place, and felt that I NEEDED to own a house to feel like a worth member of society. I feel completely different about that now.
And believe it or not, but we could live in a decent house, granted more towards the hills than the ocean, for only a couple of hundred dollars more than we’re paying now.
2) I just looked out on dice.com, and there are many, many jobs for which I’m qualified, with strong companies. Whether I’d actually GET one of these jobs? Who knows. But I wouldn’t move until I did.
3) This one is difficult. We are finally building up some savings again. Mike was going to quit his job at the end of this month, maybe we can plan a bit further into the future and he’ll keep working, and we’ll keep adding to the savings account, at least for a couple of months.
4) I did some web research, and there are many, many boarding stables. Actually a lot better options than in CO, as grass actually grows in CA.
I can’t explain why I suddenly have such a strong urge. But I haven’t had one in a long, long time. It feels very much like a ‘moment of clarity’. Suddenly, I felt as if I woke from a fog, thinking, ‘Why are we here? We could be THERE!’
When we lived there before, we didn’t have children, were very into mountain biking and dirt bike riding, things that we did with a group of friends. When we moved to SD, we missed those friends and those activities. That was a long time ago, and now those friends have kids, have gotten divorced, etc. Our lives are so different now, and our priorities are quite different. I don’t care so much if I can’t afford a new car or to buy a huge house.
I’m going to give it the weekend test. If I still feel this way by Monday, I’m going to get more serious about researching it.
1) the cost of living is HIGH and we can’t buy a house
2) the job market is not good right now
3) it is expensive to move
4) there aren’t any places for Charlie horse
And, of course, my answers:
1) We can’t buy a house anyway; our credit sucks right now. The housing market has come way down there, and maybe by the time we are ready to buy, it will be more reasonable. And I don’t feel a strong desire to buy anything right now. Last time we lived there, I was in a different place, and felt that I NEEDED to own a house to feel like a worth member of society. I feel completely different about that now.
And believe it or not, but we could live in a decent house, granted more towards the hills than the ocean, for only a couple of hundred dollars more than we’re paying now.
2) I just looked out on dice.com, and there are many, many jobs for which I’m qualified, with strong companies. Whether I’d actually GET one of these jobs? Who knows. But I wouldn’t move until I did.
3) This one is difficult. We are finally building up some savings again. Mike was going to quit his job at the end of this month, maybe we can plan a bit further into the future and he’ll keep working, and we’ll keep adding to the savings account, at least for a couple of months.
4) I did some web research, and there are many, many boarding stables. Actually a lot better options than in CO, as grass actually grows in CA.
I can’t explain why I suddenly have such a strong urge. But I haven’t had one in a long, long time. It feels very much like a ‘moment of clarity’. Suddenly, I felt as if I woke from a fog, thinking, ‘Why are we here? We could be THERE!’
When we lived there before, we didn’t have children, were very into mountain biking and dirt bike riding, things that we did with a group of friends. When we moved to SD, we missed those friends and those activities. That was a long time ago, and now those friends have kids, have gotten divorced, etc. Our lives are so different now, and our priorities are quite different. I don’t care so much if I can’t afford a new car or to buy a huge house.
I’m going to give it the weekend test. If I still feel this way by Monday, I’m going to get more serious about researching it.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Friendless
I have a friend who is pregnant, and has had a previous loss. I’ve been in contact with her almost daily via email. I haven’t heard from her since before Thanksgiving. I’m so torn as to what to do. Do I :
a) call her directly, thereby forcing her to give me bad news in person, when she may not have wanted to
b) email her and ask if everything is okay, thereby seeming like a needy, whiny person from whom she may want to run as fast as she can
c) ignore it, and hope that no news is good news
Ahhh, my neurotic friend phobias are coming to a head. This is why I have no friends. I analyze every move before I make it, and most of the time end up doing nothing, for fear of doing the wrong thing and scaring the friend away, like an almost tame squirrel. I’m already so afraid of having an actual phone conversation that the only way we’ve really become closer is through email. I’m always afraid of what I’ll talk about, and how long are you supposed to carry on a phone conversation anyway? I feel like there is some law that says you have to talk for at least 30 minutes, which usually results in my spouting out anything that comes into my head. Which is usually wildly inappropriate and/or offensive. Or, worse, incredibly boring.
In my teenage years, I wasn’t this way. I spent hours on the phone, talking about nothing. Somewhere, that changed. Probably when my friendships started to become based on more than a love of Sebago shoes and peace sign earrings. I need more friends, but their neediness scares me. And then my fear of being needy results in my being standoffish, which results in TA DA! No friends.
Ruthless cycle, that.
a) call her directly, thereby forcing her to give me bad news in person, when she may not have wanted to
b) email her and ask if everything is okay, thereby seeming like a needy, whiny person from whom she may want to run as fast as she can
c) ignore it, and hope that no news is good news
Ahhh, my neurotic friend phobias are coming to a head. This is why I have no friends. I analyze every move before I make it, and most of the time end up doing nothing, for fear of doing the wrong thing and scaring the friend away, like an almost tame squirrel. I’m already so afraid of having an actual phone conversation that the only way we’ve really become closer is through email. I’m always afraid of what I’ll talk about, and how long are you supposed to carry on a phone conversation anyway? I feel like there is some law that says you have to talk for at least 30 minutes, which usually results in my spouting out anything that comes into my head. Which is usually wildly inappropriate and/or offensive. Or, worse, incredibly boring.
In my teenage years, I wasn’t this way. I spent hours on the phone, talking about nothing. Somewhere, that changed. Probably when my friendships started to become based on more than a love of Sebago shoes and peace sign earrings. I need more friends, but their neediness scares me. And then my fear of being needy results in my being standoffish, which results in TA DA! No friends.
Ruthless cycle, that.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
And you thought that candy bar in the diaper thing was bad
Can you imagine eating this at a baby shower? Or anywhere, for that matter!
http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/2008/11/fetus_cookie_cutter.html
Thanks Amy!
http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/2008/11/fetus_cookie_cutter.html
Thanks Amy!
Friday, November 07, 2008
Tofurkey and my Imaginary Friend
I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but this morning when the guy in the cube next to me started into my cube to tell yet another story about either
a) his massive task of redoing the storm drains in his yard
b) something stupid that his wife said or did or made him do
c) something way more than I want to know about his bathroom habits,
I picked up my cellphone and acted as if someone had called me. I had a five minute conversation with an imaginary friend about how to prepare a tofu turkey (or tofurkey, as I referred to it). I don’t even know how to prepare one, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. And I gave her advice about how to not offend her vegan guests by serving meat as well for her non vegan guests (“if they don’t want to be around it, then they shouldn’t come…”). I can’t believe I actually just did this, and had an entire imaginary conversation! I also gave her my pecan pie recipe. Oh my God, I so belong in the nuthouse.
And it totally worked, the guy next door was thwarted, forced to go regale another coworker with his tales.
I am laughing so hard right now. Especially at the random topic. At least it is a great exercise in creativity. And I will do it again! This has such a great array of possibilities. Car salesmen, the guy on the street that just "wants to take a minute to testify about Jesus", the woman in the elevator that has on the pink denim jacket that has been Beadazzled within an inch of its life....Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!
I wanted to disclose this in case you want to keep your children away from me in the future.
a) his massive task of redoing the storm drains in his yard
b) something stupid that his wife said or did or made him do
c) something way more than I want to know about his bathroom habits,
I picked up my cellphone and acted as if someone had called me. I had a five minute conversation with an imaginary friend about how to prepare a tofu turkey (or tofurkey, as I referred to it). I don’t even know how to prepare one, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. And I gave her advice about how to not offend her vegan guests by serving meat as well for her non vegan guests (“if they don’t want to be around it, then they shouldn’t come…”). I can’t believe I actually just did this, and had an entire imaginary conversation! I also gave her my pecan pie recipe. Oh my God, I so belong in the nuthouse.
And it totally worked, the guy next door was thwarted, forced to go regale another coworker with his tales.
I am laughing so hard right now. Especially at the random topic. At least it is a great exercise in creativity. And I will do it again! This has such a great array of possibilities. Car salesmen, the guy on the street that just "wants to take a minute to testify about Jesus", the woman in the elevator that has on the pink denim jacket that has been Beadazzled within an inch of its life....Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!
I wanted to disclose this in case you want to keep your children away from me in the future.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Please, please, let me get what I want
Election Day! I went to the local city hall. I waited for about an hour in line. The ballot was manual, meaning that I had to actually fill in the oval, like an SAT test. The people in line were all very pleasant, sharing pens, making polite conversation, laughing about how we all meant to apply for absentee ballots. And there is a bakery right by the city hall, so I was fueled by a cookie completely frosted with pumpkin colored icing. It really wasn’t a bad experience at all.
But all day, I’ve had a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Please, please, please let Obama win. I honestly don’t know if I can take it if he doesn’t. I hate to sound like a whiny child, wanting to get what I want or pitch a tantrum. I know that is what it sounds like.. But let me say that I was so, so angry with the American people after the last election. I really couldn’t imagine what the heck happened. It was so clear to me. But all of my co workers were totally Bushified, and no amount of logic worked, so I’m sure the rest of the country was, too. I’m sure I wouldn’t change my mind because of something my coworker said, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Of course, today, here in corporate culture of fear land, no one says a word about which way they might lean. So, I’ll have to wait until tonight to see how things go. I’m nervous. I’m somewhat excited, but I was last time as well, only to be terribly, terribly disappointed.
Speaking of which, so, so, so not pregnant. Despite being 5 DAYS LATE. Bite me, whoever is in charge of that. Just …Bite me. And get me another frosted pumpkin cookie, post haste.
But all day, I’ve had a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Please, please, please let Obama win. I honestly don’t know if I can take it if he doesn’t. I hate to sound like a whiny child, wanting to get what I want or pitch a tantrum. I know that is what it sounds like.. But let me say that I was so, so angry with the American people after the last election. I really couldn’t imagine what the heck happened. It was so clear to me. But all of my co workers were totally Bushified, and no amount of logic worked, so I’m sure the rest of the country was, too. I’m sure I wouldn’t change my mind because of something my coworker said, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Of course, today, here in corporate culture of fear land, no one says a word about which way they might lean. So, I’ll have to wait until tonight to see how things go. I’m nervous. I’m somewhat excited, but I was last time as well, only to be terribly, terribly disappointed.
Speaking of which, so, so, so not pregnant. Despite being 5 DAYS LATE. Bite me, whoever is in charge of that. Just …Bite me. And get me another frosted pumpkin cookie, post haste.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Just a little patience, yeah, yeah (with apologies to Axl Rose)
M got a job, by the way. We can now pay our bills, and actually put money into savings at the same time! The absence of that worry is sheer bliss. I cannot put into words the amount of room left over when stress and worry packed up their stuff and moved out. Hopefully to an Eastern bloc country, where they will never be granted permission to leave the country again.
Of course, I have a new thing to obsess about, but this is something I don’t really mind obsessing about…
So, I’m in the midst of the Two Week Wait. I didn’t really think much about it while we were actively “trying”, but now that I know it is a possibility, I’m very impatient. I tested yesterday and (so sad) this morning, but really it is too early. I’m not due to start until Sunday, why can’t I just wait and see if AF comes to visit? Because I can’t, that’s why! I am so freaking impatient about it. And after last time, you’d think I’d rather just wait a while, not get excited only to wind up crushed by another chemical pregnancy. But here I am, caught deeply in the throes of suspense induced craziness.
I keep thinking, I have this symptom! And this, and this! And then I realize that cramps, bloating and crabbiness are also signs that I’m NOT pregnant. So, I’m sitting here trying to talk myself out of testing tomorrow. I almost went and bought more tests, but I haven’t. The only one I have left is a digital, and I really prefer the non digital ones, as they are available for advanced Is That A Line analysis (this type of analysis is related to Could It Have Been A Line In A Previous Life, and Maybe That Test Is Defective, I Should Take Another One Just To Be Sure analysis).
So, I’m hoping that will give me enough to go on to wait until Friday. But probably not. Who am I kidding? If I had one with me, I’d probably be testing in the bathroom here at work (which I have done in the past, yes I have a problem) Why oh why do I do this to myself? Aaahhh! And how in the heck am I supposed to work while going through this? Oh that’s right, I’m NOT working, I’m writing this…
I’m sure I could make a short trip to Target without anyone noticing, right? Right?
Of course, I have a new thing to obsess about, but this is something I don’t really mind obsessing about…
So, I’m in the midst of the Two Week Wait. I didn’t really think much about it while we were actively “trying”, but now that I know it is a possibility, I’m very impatient. I tested yesterday and (so sad) this morning, but really it is too early. I’m not due to start until Sunday, why can’t I just wait and see if AF comes to visit? Because I can’t, that’s why! I am so freaking impatient about it. And after last time, you’d think I’d rather just wait a while, not get excited only to wind up crushed by another chemical pregnancy. But here I am, caught deeply in the throes of suspense induced craziness.
I keep thinking, I have this symptom! And this, and this! And then I realize that cramps, bloating and crabbiness are also signs that I’m NOT pregnant. So, I’m sitting here trying to talk myself out of testing tomorrow. I almost went and bought more tests, but I haven’t. The only one I have left is a digital, and I really prefer the non digital ones, as they are available for advanced Is That A Line analysis (this type of analysis is related to Could It Have Been A Line In A Previous Life, and Maybe That Test Is Defective, I Should Take Another One Just To Be Sure analysis).
So, I’m hoping that will give me enough to go on to wait until Friday. But probably not. Who am I kidding? If I had one with me, I’d probably be testing in the bathroom here at work (which I have done in the past, yes I have a problem) Why oh why do I do this to myself? Aaahhh! And how in the heck am I supposed to work while going through this? Oh that’s right, I’m NOT working, I’m writing this…
I’m sure I could make a short trip to Target without anyone noticing, right? Right?
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