21 Weeks

21 weeks as of today. I'm starting to seriously shop for cribs and bedding. And I really want a camcorder, so we can show the kiddo what we were like before he came along. Most days, I have enough energy, some days I'm tired, but overall, I'm functioning fairly normally. I do feel some movement, just a little blip here and there, and then nothing for a long while. Mostly at night when I'm still for a while, I'll feel it.

Thank God the vet said the pup should be fine to sleep all night, and he is! He sleeps from about 9 or 9:30 until 5:45 or 6:00, and it is absolutely the most wonderful thing. When I started getting that much uninterrupted sleep, my energy level went WAY up. Aaaahh....

We really, really want to move back to the South. I miss it so much each day. I've looked for other jobs, and pretty much when they find out I'm pregnant, they don't want anything else to do with me. So, I think I'm going to stick it out here, have the baby, and then move after a couple of months. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find a job pretty quickly once I'm there, and we can live in my Dad's house for a couple of months rent free. That is a pretty big step, but we really are tired of being here. I'm tired of fighting bill collectors constantly, we can't afford our house, etc. It is just time to try to sell the house and move on.

Still Truckin'

Monday, I'll be 19 weeks along. 19 weeks ?! I really can't believe that I get to type that. Wow. I'm in maternity pants now, I'm not sure anyone else can tell, but I can certainly tell that I'm pregnant when looking in the mirror. I'm still tired sometimes, but I have more energetic days than not. I am warm most of the time. Yesterday was chillier than it has been, I think the high was 45 degrees, and it felt wonderful to me. This is a big switch, as I am ALWAYS cold. I'm enjoying it immensely.

I'm eating as if I were gestating an elephant in there. Two breakfasts a day, one around 7, then other around 9. I'm still not feeling any movement, I hope it comes soon.

The pup is growing so fast! He has calmed down a bit, I don't feel that I have to watch his every move anymore. It is so funny though, sometimes at night, he'll get these bursts of energy, he'll grab a toy and just run circles around the house, upstairs, then downstairs. It is hilarious. When he is finished, he'll run down the stairs, into the den, and then leap (without slowing down one bit) onto the ottoman. Then he looks around, very pleased with himself. So cute! He still gets in biting moods, but the spray bottle seems to curtail it for the most part.

We take the pup to the vet tomorrow for his last set of shots, and I'm going to ask if she thinks he is old enough to make it through the night without having to use the bathroom. Cross your fingers that she says yes. I am so tired of getting up at 2 am. Husband has not been helpful at all. He did it once, and complained that it wasn't good for his sleeping pattern. Guess what? It isn't good for mine either, and I'm pregnant, for Pete's sake! But I just gave in on that one, and told him to enjoy it now, because when the baby gets here, he's going to have to pitch in. I'll make sure I wake him up every time I get up, if he doesn't. I love Husband very much, but he can really be irresponsible sometimes. However, he is very helpful on the weekends, by watching the pup so that I can take a 2 or 3 hour nap. That is worth a lot!

Wow, Good News!!

Well, who would've thought I'd have made it to 17 weeks? 17 weeks, 2 days that is. Wow. We had the big ultrasound on 2/27, and it was wonderful. My quad screen came back 1 in 1100 chances for Down's, negative for neural tub defects, negative for trisonomy 18. Everything looked great, the femur measurement was a little short, in the 87th percentile instead of the 90th. The doc said that might reduce my chances to 1 in a 1000, it really was a very soft marker, and not very important. So, I didn't have to have the amnio. Such a blessing. And we found out that it is a boy!! Pretty amazing to actually visualize that thing in my uterus as a human being. I was being so cautious about feeling attached, we both were. When we got the good news, it was like the flood gates opened. I told everyone here at work the next day. We were just so elated. And really, still are.
But now reality is setting in and we are facing the dilemma of what are we going to do with this child once it is born? We plan on putting the house up for sale soon. It is just too expensive. We would like to move South in the near future, but until then, we need to figure things out. I'm thinking I could probably get a contract job after the baby is born, which would up my salary about 20,000 a year. My technical skills aren't where they should be; I need to start training myself again.
The main complaint that I have right now is that I am so tired ALL OF THE TIME. I get up at 2:00 am every day to let the puppy out. It just interrupts my sleeping pattern, and I never feel too rested. Husband is getting better about getting up some days, but most of the responsibility falls on me right now. I find that I am in a rotten mood most of the time. So, I'm going to try to go out to my car during lunch and take an hour nap. I bet that will help a lot. I'm so grateful for this baby, though, I'll be grouchy the entire time if need be!

14 Weeks and still holding in there

Well, we made it past the 13th week. Today is 14. And the heart was there this morning, beating away, as if to say "What's all the fuss about? I'm doing my job here!". I'm relieved and a little more nervous about the quad screen now. I wouldn't really let myself think about it too much, as that would happen after week 13. And now week 13 is over, so I have to find something else to worry about. I go for the quad screen a week from today, hopefully to get the results by 2/23 or 2/26. I'm scheduled for the level II ultrasound on the 27th, and the amnio, if necessary, afterwards.

I'm still scared to tell anyone I'm pregnant. I'm scared to post this, because I'll have to look at it if something bad happens, just like I did for the other one. It was really weird, I got my hair colored and cut yesterday, and I told the colorist that I was pregnant, in case she needed to do something different. She was very congratulatory, and of course, asked if this was my first. I hesitated, but told her that no, this was my seond pregnancy, the first one didn't go well. I felt for her, you could tell she wanted to ask all of the questions that preggos usually want to hear, for instance, had I thought of names. I just told her that I was too nervous to get that far yet, and I hope to God that the screen and ultrasound will put my mind a little more at ease.

The great part is that we leave for Vegas a week from today! I'm looking forward to sleeping as long as I want to, and not having to get up to let the puppy out for a few days. I feel horrible about leaving the puppy in a kennel while he is so young, but I haven't really had a vacation in about two years, and I need it! I'm sure the pup will be fine.

Hello to Henry!

We have a furry addition to our family, a 5 pound, 8 week old Lab/German Shepherd mix. We got him from the Humane Society on Friday. He is just adorable, and rambunctious, and ferocious, just what we needed. I won't say there haven't been some tense times, I was so tired Saturday night, and we put him in his crate to go to bed. We put it in our bedroom, as we thought he might like to be included with everyone else in the same room. He put up the biggest fuss, making such a racket! We slid the crate into the spare bedroom, turned the light on very low, and shut the door. He whined and pitched a fit for about ten minutes, then finally shut up. I was so tired, it was a much bigger deal than it should have been. Luckily, Husband was able to take up my slack. Of course, any time I get tired or frustrated, I think, "Oh my God, am I going to be a terrible mother?" and so on. Additionally, I feel so guilty when I have to leave him, which is every day for 9 hours or so. The other dog is very hesitant around him, but has stopped snapping at him, and even allowed him to walk under her without any incident. I think things will be back to a routine in a week, I certainly hope so.
I went Sunday to visit my horse, and I left Husband and Henry alone. It was like leaving my baby for the first time, I kept wanting to call and check in! It was nice to get away for a bit though.
I received my Doppler on Friday, and tried to find the heartbeat that night, with no luck. I did not freak out though, as I've read countless accounts of this same experience. Saturday, I drank a lot of water so that I'd have a full bladder, moved the wand around and around, and suddenly, there was the woosh-woosh sound. The Doppler showed a rate of 165. It moved away after about 20 seconds, and I moved around for a while, and found it again, way high, just below and to the right of my belly button. This time it stayed there for a bit. It was so cool. Husband was in awe. I am theoretically at 12 weeks today; that doesn't mean anything to me, other than I'm getting closer to the time when things went bad for the last one. I sure hope I can be reassured by hearing the little woosh-woosh every day, particularly before the doctor's appointment, so I won't be completely ready to pass out before I go in. The pre-appointment anxiety is the worst!

Saying Goodbye To Oscar

We had to put our dog to sleep last night. He was 14 years old. He was the biggest, larger than life, sweetest soul I have ever known. When we got him as a puppy from the Humane Society, the first night we had him he started throwing up. He was so sick, and I think we ended up taking him to the vet 4 or 5 times after that first emergency call. We couldn't figure out what was wrong with him; I nursed that dog, letting him go to sleep in my lap, just picking him up and holding him. Finally, a coworker told me her dog was allergic to beef, and that I should try feeding him lamb meal and rice food. That was exactly what was wrong. I watched him go from a sick little guy to a rambunctious, frisky puppy. I have such a bond with that dog, I think from nursing him back to health. He was truly my first baby. My husband has a strong bond with him too, he was really our best friend. We enjoyed him so much. Everywhere we went, he was right there. If we took a shower, he laid down in front of the door until we came out. We couldn't close the door all the way, as he would poke his head in from time to time, just to check on us.

We knew that at his age, the time would probably be coming soon. Many times, I would come home, and he wouldn't come down stairs to meet me, and I'd make that long climb up the stairs, expecting the worst, only to find him just raising his head from a deep sleep. Last night, he woke from a nap, and tried to walk. His back legs wouldn't work. His eyes were darting back and forth, back and forth, uncontrollably. He was drooling. His breathing was very erratic. My husband called the vet, who said to come right in. My husband had to carry him into the car, as his back legs didn't work at all. I rode in the back of the car, curled up around him, and he laid his head in my hand. I told him that we would be okay, that if he needed to go, we would be okay. I also told him that he had taught us so much about how to love, we wouldn't be the same people had we never met him.

At the vet's office, she was having trouble hearing his heart. His drooling was concerning. The fact that he wasn't licking any one, no tail wags the entire time, let us know that he was in seriously bad shape. She thought was that it might be brain cancer, and said we could send him off to get an MRI. We discussed it, and neither one of us wanted to prolong his misery. So, we agreed it was time to say goodbye. They had a really nice room, with living room chairs and a rug, so it felt like we were at home. We laid him down in the middle, and spent some time with him. It was little easier, because he really wasn't there. We just petted him and tried to make him comfortable. The vet came in and explained what she would do, and we were petting him and telling him what a good boy he was. He died with his head in my hand.

We are going to get his ashes, which will give me some comfort, just to have a reminder of him in our house. It certainly is empty without him in it. He was truly a wise old soul, and I know he is in a better place. But we sure do miss him.

So weak!

I caved in and called the doctor's office to see if I could come in earlier, and to my surprise, they scheduled me for that day! So Tuesday, I drove over, a little nervous, but really pretty much okay. The baby was there, heartbeat and all! I'm so glad I went because if I had waited 5 weeks to see the doctor, I would've been a basket case. Now I only have 2 and a half weeks until I go again. And the baby measured 10 weeks! By the measurement on the ultrasound last time, I should have been 9 weeks 3 days. I'm really excited by this, as last time, it ALWAYS measured smaller than it was supposed to be. Not much, but some. So, the next appointment will be 13 weeks. The last one died at 13 or 14 weeks, they weren't sure. My uterus measured 13, the head circumference measured 14, crown to rump measured 13. So, I'm hoping that if I go at the beginning of week 13, and everything is looking good, maybe I can come back in the 14th week, and if everything is good, I'll let my breath out a little. I'm ordering the Doppler rental, even though my husband wants me to wait until we go to the doc again. I really don't think I'll freak if I can't find it, as I've read numerous accounts of people not being able to at first. I just think it would be really cool if I could find it, and then when I go to the doctor, I won't be so nervous, because I'll be able to check in on the heartbeat.
We are supposed to go to Vegas (please be warm) over President's Day weekend, which will begin my 15th week. So, hopefully I'll be pregnant and grateful for a vacation, or I'll have just finished a D&E and will be glad to have a break. I'm praying for the pregnant option, please. I think I am supposed to schedule my amnio soon, but I am so, so afraid to. Last time I had the amnio scheduled for the next day when we found out the baby had died. I had to call, completely in tears, to cancel. I know I've got to make the appointment. I just don't want to have to cancel it. Fear is a terrible thing. Part of me thinks that everything really will be okay this time. The other part is terrifed to believe that! I know that the only thing that will give me confidence is time. So here's to a quick passage of the next few weeks!

Hurry Up and Wait

I am so antsy about just knowing what is going on, I'm dieing to rent a Doppler. However, I'm only 9 weeks along and I know that I probably wouldn't be able to hear anything anyway. Which would send me into a tailspin. Or not, as I keep telling myself. At any rate, I need to wait. I hate waiting, because I would love to have some sort of reassurance. I guess I could call and make an appointment sooner at the doctor's office. I keep thinking that if I can wait until 12 weeks and everything is okay, it will be more meaningful. We'll see. I may cave. It is only 3 weeks from Monday, which is not that long, in the big picture. I'm still having nausea off and on, and I'm absolutely exhausted by the end of the day, so I'm hoping that is a good sign.

It is quite cold here today, at 9:45, it is 1 degree above zero. I'm working from home today, as the roads are kind of icy, and it really isn't worth the risk of driving in, I can do my job just as easily from home anyway. I'm going to try and go see the horse, I think he may be turned out, which means I'll have to go out in the field, which I may not want to do with the icy conditions right now. Some of the horses are such a holes! They won't let you in the gate, they won't let you out, not very respectful of my space. Which is a BIG no no in the horse world. My horse may not obey my every wish, but he understands that if I am standing in front of him, he stops. He doesn't just run through me! So, we'll see if I make it out or not.

Arrggghhhh... to call the dr or not to call? I'm sure they could get me in next week....

How many more months until May?

I am supposed to be working, and I just can't seem to concentrate for more than 10 minutes at a time. I've played solitaire so much I should have my own show on ESPN. All was good at the doctor's appointment. At least, I think so. The nurse practitioner was very nice, but there was something on the ultrasound next to the baby, she couldn't make out what it was, so she called a doctor in to take a look. The doctor looked very quickly, said, "I have no idea. There's nothing we could do anyway, hopefully this one will be uneventful." Just like that. This was a woman!! I felt like leaping up from the table and strangling her. Great bedside manner, babe. I've scheduled the next appointment for when I should be twelve weeks, I'm hoping that will give me some kind of check on the heart rate and development. After that, I may come in for week 13 and 14, because that is somewhere around when it died last time. I have a good feeling about this one, I'm trying to repeat that over and over again, to ward off anxiety. It works, sometimes. I was expecting a huge sigh of relief, but for some reason, it didn't give me any satisfaction. Hopefully after the 15 week mark (if I make it that far) and the amnio (if I make it through that) if I get normal results, I'll be much calmer.

Speaking of anxiety, we are supposed to get MORE snow this friday. Every Friday for the past 3 weeks, we've gotten snow, first 3 feet, then 1 foot, and supposedly another foot this Friday. I am OVER it. Usually, we get a nice week or two in between the storms, the snow has time to melt before the next one. Not so this winter. I have four feet of snow in my front yard. I can't bring in my Christmas decorations, because I don't know where they are. They are buried under eight feet of snow, because the four feet that was on my driveway has been shoveled on top of the four feet in my yard. Husband has been really missing Atlanta, and I tell you, I hate moving, but a winter like this will make me do it. Luckily, I'm pregnant, which would make finding a job VERY difficult right now, so we'll have to wait and mull it over before we take any action. I do love Atlanta, and I've always thought I would end up there when I was older, but it is looking like in the next two or three years, we'll be moving there. I miss trees a whole lot, there are none, or at least, very few here. And I miss the fact that in March, I can wear shorts. Rather than May. I do love Spring (when we get one) and summer here, but my God, it is going to seem like it never gets here. I haven't ridden my horse on a trail in 3 or 4 weeks, because there too much snow on the ground, at least up to his knees. Luckily, I have an indoor arena, but it is scary because the ground is frozen and pretty hard and slick.

Limbo Land

Well, I'm bouncing between being in complete denial of this pregnancy, to wanting to tell the world. Denial wins most of the time. I had lunch with a friend who is eight weeks pregnant, with her first. For some reason, I was a little mad at her. I think I am jealous that she is completely unafraid, rambling on about what kind of car to get that will support a car seat (I wanted to scream at her, “You are only eight weeks along! Save the drama for later!”), telling us that she has been wearing maternity clothes for two weeks already – I wasn’t wearing them when I miscarried last time, at 15 weeks. I feel like a terrible person, I want to be happy for her, and join in her silliness, but I just have to fake it right now. I had a little spotting last Thursday, and that REALLY sent me into some kind of bitter denial phase. It stopped, and I had no cramping, but it really brought me even more to reality that anything could go wrong at any time. But, there are people, like my friend, who will go through the whole thing blissfully and have no complications. And I’m happy for her, really. At least I want to be.

I go between not being able to wait until my appointment, to thinking I don’t EVER want to go. I watched Studio 60 last night, they showed her going into an appointment and having an ultrasound, and I had to make myself slow my breathing. I was actually panting with anxiety. I definitely felt then that I would like to just wait 9 months and see what comes out. But I do want to know if this is an actual baby, rather than a molar pregnancy, or blighted ovum, or at least sometimes I do. Just now I started thinking about it, and I felt my heart start to race.

Husband doesn’t want me to ride my horse on the trail anymore, which is not good. I understand his point, but because of the weather, I haven’t been trail riding in two or three weeks! The horse coughs when I ride him in an arena, so I’m limited to the polo field or the trail. I’ll have to see how I feel when I ride him again. I wasn’t allowed to last weekend because of the spotting, and also we had some people visiting. One of these people is a very good friend, but it really bugs me when she says, “Oh, you can get in the hot spring, you’ll be fine”, and “you can ski, why do you worry about it?” which is easy for her to say, since she has a healthy 2 and a half year old. It ticks me off when she acts like I’m being a wimp for trying to help this thing survive.

I know I should try and take this thing one day at a time. And I’ve been doing pretty well. For some reason, today, I cannot focus on my work. For one thing, it is Christmas! And I just don’t want to work, I wish I could take some vacation time, but I don’t want to, just in case I do actually have a baby, so I can have 6 weeks leave. Welcome to the world of limbo. Get used to it.

Morning Sickness, anyone?

So, I was definitely nauseated this morning, not something I really experienced with the last one. I wish that was a good sign, that this one is different and better somehow, but I really know that it doesn't signify anything. I am finding that if I keep something on my stomach, it seems to dissipate-- which is great, now I have an excuse for nonstop eating!

I've already gone and screwed up my plan of not telling anyone, I told my Dad yesterday. I won't let anyone congratulate me though. He tried, and I said "you can congratulate me when I deliver a healthy baby". I hope I can stick to that. Husband and I were discussing this, and if something happens early on, we'll try again. If it goes as far as last time, forget it. I'm really hoping I can stick to the attitude of what happens, happens. I used to feel that I HAD to worry before an appointment, or something would go wrong. I realize now that no matter how much I worry, if it is going to die, it will die, and conversely, if it will live, it will live! Personally, I'm voting for the latter.

Still pregnant, at least for today!

If only I had a parachute...

Well, I'm pregnant again. After only one month of trying!! Pretty incredible. I told myself I was going to wait until I was three months late to take another test, but I gave in on Saturday, which was actually three or four days before my period is due. I peed on the stick, and watched, and thought, nah, it is negative, but then I came back and looked again, and indeed there was a very faint line. I immediately went upstairs to ask Husband if it looked like a line to him. He was so good natured about it, considering I woke him up at 6:30 in the morning to discuss the subtleties of the pink line. So, yesterday, I bought another test, and this time, the line was MUCH stronger. No doubt about it, at least for this second, I am pregnant. Again.

We were both pretty calm about it, a little yea! and then our armour came on. Don't want to spend too much energy on it this time. I sure don't want to start planning my life differently. We were going to use the room we have as an office for the n....ry (i don't even want to type it), and we were just beginning to buy some office furniture, Husband asked if we should stop buying it, and I said no. If I make it to 8.5 months, we'll move the stuff out. Otherwise, keep building the office. I will not read a baby book, buy any memory books, take home any ultrasound pictures, or browse any baby sites at least until after the amnio. Which means I'll have to make it that long. I did tell my Mom, as she was quite helpful the last time when everything went to Hell. But I'm trying very hard not to tell anyone else about it.

The good thing is that I know the conception date within two days, so I'll know if it is measuring small or not-- although I really don't think it did last time. I am definitely going to have to watch what I eat, I gained so much weight and never lost it, I'm a little worried about it. I went to the gym this morning, and plan to start going three or four times a week, I figure that combined with horseback riding should give me a lot of exercise.

Speaking of which, I rode him (the horse, not the husband) in the indoor arena, and he started to cough, cleared his nose a few times, and we were suddenly able to trot and canter! I hope this continues, as I would LOVE to be able to ride him at night throughout the winter. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, here we are, jumping out of a plane without a parachute....

Deja Vu all over again

Well, the baby died. I went in for my 15 week appointment, and no heartbeat. I had a D&C 2 days later. It was hell. I wasn't even nervous about the doctor's appointment, I was worried about the amnio scheduled for the next day. He explained that they wouldn't do an ultrasound, just the Doppler, but we would get to hear our baby's heartbeat. We were excited at the prospect. He kept trying to find it, and the batteries ran out. He went to get another one. He still couldn't find it. At this point, I thought something was wrong. He brought in the ultrasound, assuring us that it was probably just in a strange position... and then the ominous silence began. He kept looking at it, changing direction, looking at it. I knew, as did my husband. I finally said "Is something wrong?" to which he answered "Just give me a minute, here." Why didn't he just say, I think so... instead of dragging it out? We knew anyway at that point. He brought in another doctor to confirm it. I was just so ANGRY. Why did we have to go through this TWICE with this pregnancy? Not fair. I'm still angry sometimes, particularly when I hear someone complain about having a girl instead of boy, etc. I feel like screaming to them YOU UNGRATEFUL B***H! But I don't. I just sit there and I feel the ball of sadness inside of me increase its diameter just a bit more. It grows until I can't hold it in anymore, and then I cry. Then it begins building again. The good thing is that is takes longer to build each time. At first, it was every five minutes (I'm not kidding, I couldn't wear my contacts because of the salt buildup), then every hour, then day, and now it is only once or twice a week. The human spirit is pretty amazing, because three weeks ago, I didn't think I would get off the couch. Except to ride my horse. That is what saved me, I think. I found out about this on Monday, rode him for a good, long time on Tuesday, worked from home on Wednesday, and had the D&C on Thursday. I wasn't really bleeding, so I rode him after a week, and now I ride whenever I can. I thank God that I love doing something so much, and that my love for it didn't die with the baby. It gives me something to look forward to, you know? And, of course, my husband was so wonderful to me, and continues to be.

I thought that since I made it into my second trimester, all was safe. I was wrong. They don't know when the baby died, the head measurement was 14 weeks, crown to rump was 13 weeks. I'm doing much better, but I still have my low moments. We did get the results back from the testing on the baby, and it had complete triploidy, which is where every chromosome had an extra one, for a grand total of 3. It is 100% fatal. So, I was glad to know that it wasn't because of something wrong with me, and it was nothing I had done, and it is NOT genetic. We're going to try again, but we are taking it SLOWLY. I gained some weight (hey, I was pregnant, I was eating!), so now I have to get it off before I get pregnant again, probably a couple of months down the road. But I figure it'll take us around 6 months to get pregnant again anyway, so it really doesn't matter. I'm still waiting to get my period after the D&C, as we are forbidden to try again before that momentous occasion.

This time around, if I do get pregnant, I don't see any reason to even go to the doctor until I'm 12 weeks. It was hard enough worrying about it for 3 months-- if I don't really know it is a real pregnancy, then I won't worry about it, right? I have read that there is an increased incidence of molar pregnancy after having a triploidy one, if that happens, we are f***ed because you have to wait a year afterwards to try again-- and I'm too old to waste a year. I will rent a Doppler if I get pg again, just so I can check in-- I think one of the hardest things was that as each week went by, our confidence went up. This way, I'll know pretty quickly if things end.

I couldn't believe I heard this come out of my mouth, but I was talking to my Mom (she, unbelievably, has been so helpful through this), and she was saying "You'll get pregnant again, and everything will be all right", and astoundingly, I said, "And hopefully things will go well this time, but you know what, if they don't, I'll be all right anyway. My life will go on, and I will still enjoy it. I have a great life, job, HUSBAND!! (he is just the best), horse, dogs, cat, and the fact that I can't have a baby will not negate that. I'll grieve again, and then I'll move on." And you know what, it is true. I don't feel that I have a huge hole in my life that can only be filled by a baby. I just feel that my life would be enhanced by a baby-- but I won't die if it doesn't happen. This realization is quite wonderful. Life will go on, baby or not.

3 MONTHS!!

Well, I can't believe I made it to 12 weeks. That's right, my first milestone. I'm hoping to be able to relax a bit now. I really wanted to tell people at work, but my boss wants me to wait?! I'm not sure why. Of course, in a couple of weeks it will be fairly obvious. I'm showing just a little, little bit right now, and I can wear baggy shirts to cover it. But it is starting to get cooler, and when I put on a sweater, it is beginning to be obvious.

3 and a half more weeks until the amnio. I nervous about both the results and the miscarriage chances, but the way I look at it, if I miscarry at that point, I'm just NOT meant to have a baby. It will kill me, but I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As for the results, I'm pretty scared. Part of me says I would terminate if something is found, part of me says I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I terminated. So, I'm waffling right now. I pray that I don't have to make that decision.

My husband's cousin, let's call him God's Gift To Women (ggtw), is quite the piece of work. He honestly believes that every woman that says hello, responds to something he asks, or seats him at a restaurant wants to sleep with him. He is 40 years old, overweight, and not very attractive. In addition, his personality sucks. He thinks he knows everything, and will not accept anyone else's input on a subject.
My husband and ggtw went to a hot spring that was clothing optional. The object of clothing optional is NOT to check out other people, it is about being comfortable in your skin, and not caring what other people think about you. I guess it is sort of a spiritual, natural, hippie kind of thing. I totally get it, although I'm not ALWAYS comfortable taking my clothes off, but it doesn't really bother me to be around it.

GGTW, of course, tries to talk to every woman there. Did I mention he is married with two children? One woman was from the South originally, like my husband and ggtw, so they talked for a bit about it. My husband said she was NOT interested, she was just talking. Her children were there with her. So, the next day, they are leaving, and she kind of touches ggtw's shoulder and says, "it was nice meeting you guys, have a fun trip". GGTW turns to my husband and says "she initiated contact. I felt a connection there. Let's hang out here and see if something happens." To which my husband replied, "We are leaving." GGTW honestly thought because the woman was being courteous, she wanted to sleep with him. It makes me sick. So, every time I say excuse me, or ask the pharmacist "how are you today?" does that make him think I want to sleep with him? Please.

Of course, it gets my ire up, because I feel threatened by him. If he is willing to sleep with any woman that will have him, will he have any influence on my husband? I know that he wouldn't, because I trust my husband, and my husband is NOT AN IDIOT. But, still, the thought creeps up in the back of my mind. Luckily, he is gone. My husband had TONS of similar stories to tell. He couldn't believe it.

His old high school buddy comes to visit in a week and a half, he is a much better guy. Definitely from the country, and kind of backwards, but I'd rather deal with that.

At any rate, happy 3 months!! What a rocky start, I pray it will be smoother from here on out.

Little Scare

My husband's cousin is in town, and coincindentally, a good friend of mine was coming back to her home town, about 4 hours away. There was a lot of stress about how I could get there, and not ruin the cousin's vacation. I wanted to just drive myself, but my husband was concerned that we don't have cell coverage all the way through the mountains, and what if the car broke down, etc. My friend saved the day by inviting me to spend the night, and let them drive on to Moab, and I had a GREAT time. Except that on Sat afternoon, I started spotting, light cramping. I almost passed out when I saw it. We were at her aunt's house, who is probably dying of cancer, and I did NOT want to bring more drama, so I snuck out of the house, and called my doctor. She said that a lot of times, sitting for too long can cause spotting, due to the constant pressure-- she said to call if the spotting became bleeding, or my cramps got worse. They didn't, thankfully. I laid down on the floor at her aunt's house, and then after the next morning ,things were MUCH better. I didn't call my husband, as I didn't think it was worth upsetting him over, and it seems that it wasn't. I had just a little spot yesterday, and today seems completely clear. Whew! I was pretty freaked out, but I managed to hold it together.

I got to see her adorable 2 year old son, what a cutie! And so smart! Her family is so cool, they are all just themselves, no pretense. Which is completely different from my family, at those big gatherings, everyone has to put on a front, so they can impress everyone else..yuck!

My husband and his cousin are gone on a fishing trip, I think they are having a good time, although it always ends with nerves a little frayed. I'll be glad to have him to myself again. I hate the fact that the only time he has to take off is taken up by his friends, rather than a vacation with me. Of course, my maternity leave is coming out of my sick and vacation time, so I can't really take any time anyway. But boy, do I want to!

Total Elation

We had our doctor's appt this morning, it was wonderful. The new nurse practitioner was very nice, I liked her a lot. She was very professional, and very empathetic with our previous situation. I was VERY anxious, as was my husband. We told her our story, so she went right to the ultrasound. And there it was. A thing that actually is beginning to look like a baby!! It was sucking its thumb, flipping around, waving its arms and legs, it was an amazing sight. I can't believe all of that is going on inside of me!! I cried while I was watching it. Unbelievable. I know this has been happening for thousands of years, but wow. This time, it is happening to me!

I am officially building the web site tonight. I was holding off on doing anything like that, but I asked the doctor when would be a pretty safe time to go public, and she said, right about now is pretty safe! So, I'm going to let my guard down a bit, and try to be optimistic. Just seeing how energetic it was made me feel really good. The heart was beating away, too. As was mine!

Holding pattern

9.5 weeks, Sunday will be 10.

We are pretty much in a holding pattern right now, which is good. I am still pregnant, at least for now, and we have a doctor's appointment on 8/15, a week from now. I changed the offices where we go, as we just weren't sure we could face that nurse practitioner that gave us the COMPLETELY WRONG information and made us think we didn't have a baby in there. I think it will just be easier not to have to face her again...
Of course, it will have been 3 weeks since we last had an ultrasound, so we are both pretty nervous about whether things are progressing as they should be. I am SO SO tired right now, I hope that is a sign that my body is building a baby in there. I wish my job had more women in managerial roles, because my boss just doesn't understand why I'm tired... I don't think he knows that pregnancy makes you into a zombie. He asked me what I did on the weekend, I told him I slept for the most part, and he acted so surprised, asking me "Why would you do that?" Ummm, because there is a little parasite inside of me, sucking the life force out of me! I literally get up in the morning, and an hour later, I want to go back to bed. Instead, I have to go to work! Oh well, hopefully not too much longer until my energy returns.

I have to say that I've been pretty optimistic, but now that the appointment is getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous about it. I don't know why I can't shake this fear, I keep telling myself that I've had more good appointments than bad, but it is still very scary. I thought about renting one of those Doppler heartbeat monitors, but I'm afraid I could get pretty obsessed with it. Still, it would be nice to hear the heart beating, and know that everything is okay, rather than going through ANXIETY HELL, where I am now.
We'll start talking about the nursery, etc, and then I think STOP! don't let yourself get his far...

And then, if I get that far, we have the amnio to worry about. I'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I keep reminding myself that BOTH of my grandmothers had children in their late 30s, one of them at 39 (and this was back in the fifties) and none of them had Down's Syndrome. I'm hoping that is a good indicator.

I'm still riding my horse, but I'm getting more and more nervous about it, I went out on Monday, and there was guy riding a four wheeler down in the Highline Canal, so you couldn't see him all of the time, just every once in a while he would pop up, scaring the bejesus out of Charlie. He did really well, and then when we came up to where the truck and trailer were blocking half of the trail, he just decided, that's it, I'm out of here! And wheeled around and tried to run off, which went quickly from a dead run to a trot, and then I made him turn around and go back through the area. I didn't really get scared until the second time, and I remembered I was pregnant-- so I got off and walked him through several times, and then he was okay. But I was a little nervous about things after that. We'll see how things go, I may ride for one more month, and then hang it up. I'm hoping to get my husband to ride him a bit, I think he would enjoy it, and Charlie will take care of him.

Our next few weeks will be busy... my husband's cousin is coming to visit next Thursday (he just told us yesterday) for a week. That's fine, he is a very close friend, I feel very comfortable with him around. He has two children, and I'm sure will be giving me all kinds of pregnancy advice-- none of which I will want!! But I know he is just trying to help. Then in September one of my husband's long time friends is coming out to visit. He has known my husband since junior high school. They spent a lot of time together when we moved back to TN last year. I would love to visit my friend in San Diego, but my maternity leave will be strictly vacation time, they don't have short term disability insurance here-- can you believe that? So, if I take any time, I think it will be to see my Mom, as her health won't permit her to come out and visit once the baby is born, so it could be years before I see her again.

I am so tired of counting down until the next appointment; hopefully if I make it to 12 weeks, I'll relax a little.

Exhaling Now

Things went well at the doctor's appointment. I almost didn't make it, there was road construction, and what usually takes me 5 minutes took 30. In addition, it was 105 degrees, and my car started to overheat, so I had to turn the heat on. I was a sweaty, anxious, angry mess. I guess it was good in a way, it took my mind off of worrying for a little bit.

By the time we got to the doctor's office, we were pretty anxious, but were trying to make small talk about ANYTHING else. We went back, and the doctor came in, started the sonogram very quickly, and again, I didn't look, until he said, very quickly, "You're good!" Then I looked over. He showed us how much the embryo had grown (quite a bit, he said), and showed us the yolk sac. The embryo seems so be moving away from it a bit, although it is hard to tell too much without a lot of zoom on the picture. He showed us the heartbeat, said it looked great, and I won't see him personally until I'm fifteen weeks (about 7 weeks from now). I have another appointment with the same nurse practitioner that gave us the HUGE scare to begin with, on Aug 14. At least my appointment anxiety level won't go up so often, as I won't be going as much.

I do feel a little more relaxed, however, I know anything could go wrong at any moment. I had a miscarriage dream night before last, and when I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream. I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I think if I make it to the 12 week mark, I'll feel a bit more confident.
I did pull my pregnancy book out from hiding.

And I certainly do have symptoms. I have been EXHAUSTED every day. When I get home I just want to sleep for 3 or 4 hours, then go eat, then go back to sleep. In addition, I am starving every two hours. And although my breast tenderness went away for a bit, it came back with a vengeance. I welcome every symptom. It means my body is still producing hormones, and that is a good thing.

I'm trying to be more optimistic, as I think it will help me mentally. I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant now, Sunday will be 8 weeks, climbing ever closer to that oh so lovely 12 week mark. If I make it that far, that is when I will make the official announcement here at work. That is when I'll try to relax a little.

Don't Think About Elephants

You know how if someone says "Don't think about elephants?" You HAVE to, at least for a millisecond, think about elephants. I'm more or less doing this on a second by second basis. Don't think about whether you'll miscarry. I think about it. Next Second-- same thing. You get the picture.

I would swear my boobs aren't as tender, and that makes me nervous. It could be that I'm just getting used to it, but then again... sigh. We go for another ultrasound on Monday, the 24th. I wake up every day, counting down how many more days. I pray that everything is going great. Of course, if it is, then I have to wait a month until I see him again, but I would like to have that opportunity. I have noticed an incredible fatigue this week, more so than I've had in the past. I'm hoping that is a good sign, that my body is working very hard to build this human. I hate to admit that I do, from time to time, think of the Bob the Builder motto: "Can I build it? Yes I can!" (Yes, I changed the "we" to "I", for obvious reasons). I have hidden my pregnancy book, and haven't looked at the ultrasound picture since Tuesday. I won't, until/unless I have another healthy one to go with it. Even then, I'm not going to allow myself to get too attached, which is sad. I wish I could be confident that everything is going to go perfectly, and in 8 months I'll have a perfect baby. But, for some reason, I just can't buy into that. Not after that first appointment.

I've wondered if I'll ever reach a point in this where I'll feel a little more relaxed. And I really don't know if I will. I keep thinking that if I can make it to 12 weeks, I'll feel a bit better. Of course, that is when all of the deformity testing is done, which will bring on a whole set of new worries. I just hope we get the chance to worry about them,if this pregnancy makes it that long.

A Small, Probably Temporary, Miracle

So, I go to the appointment yesterday. I managed not to cry much before we went. We didn't even talk about it on the drive there. We just laughed at stupid stuff, talked about going to Dairy Queen after the appointment, just normal stuff.

So, we get there, I check in, and the nurse comes to get us. We go to the SAME examination room. Really, at this point, we have both faced reality and realize what has to happen. The nurse asks me what's going on, I tell her the story. I change and we wait for the doctor.

The doctor comes in, and the first thing he says is, "I wish I could say I'm excited about your numbers, but I'm not". I replied by saying yes, I knew they weren't good. He talked to us about our miscarriage options, and I begin to tear up a bit, but I managed to stay away from full on sobbing. He told me I was holding up well, under the circumstances. I told him it was just because all of my fluids had been cried out over the weekend. We told him we wanted to try the medication induced miscarriage (at home), and he offered to do it that day. I told him I'd have to wait until the weekend. He said okay, and he wanted to do one more sonogram just to confirm the numbers.

I assumed the position, and he moved the monitor over so we could see it. I didn't even lift my head, I didn't want to see it. And then, probably not 30 seconds into it, he says, "I have to take back everything I just said." Me: "Why?" Him:"There's the heartbeat." My head popped up. What? Last week there was nothing. He showed us all around my uterus, measured the embryo, said I was 6 weeks, 1 day along. He was quite surprised as well. "What about my numbers?" I asked. He said he wasn't concerned at this point, that after the fetal heartbeat is detected, they go by the ultrasound, not the numbers.

The last person that saw me, a Nurse Practitioner, evidently paid no attention to me when I said I took a pg test on 6/11 and it was negative. She was thinking I was 11 weeks instead of 5. I wonder how many years she took off of our lives. At this point I don't care, since, at least today, the embryo is alive and well. I have another appointment on Monday 7/24 for another ultrasound. I pray that that little heart is still beating, and at a normal rate. Unfortunately, as the doctor said, really at this point there is nothing anyone can do, if it is going to miscarry, it will. If it isn't, it won't.

So, while I am wildly surprised and overjoyed at this, we are both trying desperately to hold on to our guard. We want to expect devastating news at each appointment. The last one was so awful because we weren't expecting it. But, for just a few moments, we let ourselves be happy. And we did go to the Dairy Queen afterwards.

I am trying to just relax and realize that whatever happens, happens. I have absolutely no control over it.