V Day 2009

Valentine’s Day. We have a funny relationship, me and Valentine’s Day. When I was younger, in High School, it was about everyone knowing that I got flowers (once in four years), or trying to hide the fact that I didn’t. Even after I was married (but still 18!), I spent the entire day trying to tell myself not to expect flowers, that it was okay. And then, the flowers would arrive, and I would be so pleased. But if they didn’t get there until later, I was downright pouting by the time they got there.

And then, somewhere, something happened. I was genuinely happy for those that got something, but I really didn’t care so much if I got something or not.

You see, I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 20. We had that passionate, “blinded by love”, rollercoaster, oh my god I’m gonna die because we argued, oh my god I’m so happy because we made up kind of relationship. I think you have to be young to have that sort of marriage, because as you get older, you don’t have the stamina! As we grew and mellowed, got stronger, became more able to stand on our own two feet instead on leaning so hard on each other, we got stronger. Our relationship got stronger. We became stable. I like stable. I LOVE stable.

We know each other well enough to get on each other’s nerves almost to that point. But we know enough to stop before we get there. We also know that we love each other in a stronger, deeper way than we could have ever imagined back when we were married 19 years ago. So, if I get flowers, great, but I genuinely don’t care so much. I know he loves me. I feel loved on a daily basis.

It feels great not to care. And coincidentally, I did get some beautiful tulips. And a great card that plays Superfreak!

I love you, you big Palooka. Happy Valentine’s Day.

We got the band together again!

M's cousin came over last night, and we had way too much fun playing Rock Band. As a matter of fact, we've run through all of the songs! The highlight of the night? Me, trying to sing Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills". And Highway Star. Never did I know that the word "star" could be mangled in so many ways! So much fun.

Moving?
We know that we don't want to be here. We want a bigger city. So, I've been posting for jobs here and there. Long story short, someone in Tampa contacted me, I had a technical interview in which the guy told me that he was going to recommend that they fly me in, and that was two days ago. I've heard nothing.
Which may be good, because it gave me some time to stop and think. While we used to really enjoy the excitement of taking off for parts unknown without even blinking, we might actually ~miss~ some of our family. Weird, right?
We do certainly miss the type of outdoorsy culture more prevalent in the western us, but something tells me not to go too far right now. We're talking maybe about going to Atlanta, it would be an easy move, a much, much bigger city. We're still trying to figure it out. Of course, a lot (all of it) will depend on if I can get a job or not.


Weight update
160.6, and I don't think it is a fluke, because yesterday morning was 160.8. Oh my gosh, I could be seeing 150's in a week or so! Very, very exciting. I haven't been in the 150's since well before S was born. Maybe before the first pregnancy, I think. All of that angry eating took its toll!
Spinning class tomorrow again. Whew! I'm excited and scared at the same time, kind of the way I used to feel before taking off on my dirt bike. But it is good! Getting results like this really keeps me motivated. I have a pair of pants that are very unforgiving waist-wise, and I try them on every week to see how they fit. I have to say I feel a pretty big difference this week. I can tell that my stomach is definitely taking up less of the landscape. Whew hoo! Very exciting.

Size 12 jeans fit great, I'm pretty sure I could get into 10s, not sure that anyone would want to see it :)

Blogger's Studio Courtesy of Beth Fish

Beth from So the Fish Said asked if anyone would like to be interviewed, and I thought hey! what a great chance to stop whining and bitching! She provided the questions:

1. Remember the movie href="Brewster's">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088850/plotsummary">Brewster's Millions?
That happens to you, except on a smaller scale. You receive a million
dollars that you must spend in 30 days. However, you cannot have any
assets to show for the money at the end of the month (and you can't
buy something and then destroy it), you cannot waste the money, you
cannot give it away, and you cannot tell anyone what you are doing.
How do you ditch the dough in a month or less?

That’s easy! Invest in Real Estate in NYC!

2. You are locked in a toy store overnight, with no way out until it
reopens in the morning. What do you play with all night?

Oh man, that sounds awesome! I’m all over the sit n spin, the block things that you push through the different shaped holes, toy trains, Legos!, and the big Barbie head who’s hair you style. Also that robotic horse thing, possibly, although it kind of looks Satanic and might freak me out in the middle of the night.

3. If you could have a dinner party with any three famous people,
living or dead, you would be wasting your supernatural powers on
hosting dinner parties. What would you do instead?
Find a cure for Diabetes, so that my husband would live a long, healthy life.

4. What's the best thing since sliced bread? Now, sliced bread ain't
all that impressive, so what's the best mediocre, hum-drum improvement
or advancement that has made modern life just ever so slightly more
convenient for humanity, along the lines of saving yourself five
seconds every time you want a piece of bread.

That would have to be the ice and water in the refrigerator door thing. Why does it seem so cool? Was it really that difficult to reach into the freezer and get some ice, and then fill your glass with water?

5. What's your best quality? The response to this question must be a
simple declarative statement. You may elaborate on that statement,
provided that your elaboration does not include the words "but,"
"however," or "although," or any other hedging, equivocating,
back-sliding, gerrymandering (which is not at all appropriate in this
context, but I think it should be, don't you?) or any other type of
backing down from the simple declarative statement with which you
began your response.
I am incredibly loyal, once I feel a person has earned it.

Trying to be less angry

Okay, trying to be more positive today. I didn’t lose a ton of weight this week, I definitely did not exercise like I should’ve. I had this awful soup yesterday, which did not fill me up at all, so I kept eating things to try to make up for it, and then for some reason by the end of the day, I had a headache that was so intense I honestly wondered if I was having a stroke. It was only on one side of my head, and so, so intense. My husband massaged my shoulders and neck and BOY there was a spot there that is so sore. And still is. I think we need to invest in a massager thingy that you put in your chair. Because I cannot take it.

So, I take my first spinning class today. I really fight my social anxieties to take these classes. I was concerned about whether I should wear my cycling shoes and shorts, even though I’m so out of shape. I finally decided “F it, this is my journey, and if it makes me feel better to wear the bike shorts and my clipless shoes, then I’m going to do it!”. I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t want easy. I want to get healthy. I want to take S out in the Burley this spring. I want to get back on my Homegrown and ride a trail with M. I want to feel good, no matter where I live. I want to enjoy riding, not dread every hill climb. And I know that I can do it. I KNOW I CAN!

I keep picturing myself doing these things, and it works as great motivation. Whether I hate my job or not, I need to do myself a favor and use the tools around me to my greatest benefit. I will not let my anger/frustration sabotage this effort.

So, weight: 162.0, 6.8 lbs lost.

I bought a size 12 in jeans this weekend. From a 14. It rocks. The other ones I could actually pull off without unbuttoning them. From losing 7 pounds? Working out definitely makes a difference.

Jane 2.0

How is it going? So far, very well. I've started going to the gym, for the last two weeks, I've been four times a week.

Weight loss: this morning, I weighed 163.8. That is a 5 lb loss in 2.5 weeks. Not bad! I'm aiming for 2 lbs a week.

I started jogging, just a bit, as I'm trying to train for a 5K. I'd like to build up to 10K, and maybe do a race in CO, I'd love to do the Bolder Boulder, but I think it may fill up too soon.

I did 60 sec of running, 90 sec of walking, for 25 minutes. Yesterday, I took a circuit training class, during which I ran for two minutes a couple of times.

Goal weight: 135

29 lbs to go!!

Pants are starting to get a tiny bit looser. The eating is pretty easy right now, and I'm really, really excited that I'm finally doing it. I've talked about it forever, and now, I'm actually exercising and eating nutritiously! Now that I'm getting into more of a routine, I've got to help M start it up. It would be so cool if we both got healthy.

Those Zany Office Workers

In keeping with my “Let’s ride the crazy train with Jane” theme, I thought I’d enlighten you as to the types of people I work with and the delightful scenarios that occur as a result:

1) The lady who calls me EVERY TIME SHE SENDS ME AN EMAIL. To say, “I just sent you an email”. She sends me at least five emails EVERY DAY. It drives me absolutely insane. Each voicemail says exactly the same thing as the email. Double the pleasure, double the fun!

2) The lady who reacts to every possible issue, before taking the time to determine if it is, in fact, an issue. I spent four hours today tracking down “HUGE problem, OMG if this isn’t working we’re screwed” type of thing. A “lets’ email everyone and let them know that this isn’t working even though I haven’t actually confirmed that it isn’t working” type of thing. The most irksome part of this is that 99% of the time, the reason something behaves the way it does is … you guessed it, because she told me to make it behave that way. Luckily, I always have the email(s) to send back to her. She is never apologetic, and always acts as if she’s doing me a favor by admitting that she did, in fact, ask for it to work that way. But she never emails everyone again to let them know. So I started including them in the emails I send to her.

3) The guy who is so afraid that someone may be better at his job than he is, that he will not share any information with you. Even if you have been tasked with helping him finish work on one of his projects. It would be easier to learn a new language while deserted on an island for a year than to have to try to start working on one of his projects. He is a true environmentalist, as he “leaves no trace”. No documentation, no comments, no replies to your emails or phone calls. I like to think of it as being a secret agent, dropped off in a foreign country, trying to complete a mission. I try to ignore the fact that my foreign county is approximately 8x8 and the color of urine.

4) The guy who wants to talk your ear off, but then makes snide comments about you behind your back. And it isn’t just me; he stabs everyone in the back. To your face, he wants to tell you all about his landscaping plan, or how well his pet chinchilla is doing, but when he thinks you are out of range, he’ll disparage your work, your hours, and anything else he can come up with.

5) The girl who really, really, wants to be left alone and get some actual work done. Guess who? I have spent so much time the last few days tracking down “problems” and then having to explain to ten different people that they aren’t problems, they were requested. ~Sigh~

On a completely different and AWESOME note, my husband is going to a big charity event that Widespread Panic’s lead singer helps out with every year. We have wanted to go for quite some time, but this is the first year we’ve really been close enough to do it. The best part? I’ll get to take S to Disney! And see WP's lead singer in concert! And get out of this town for a while. Which I need badly.

WW Commando

Feeling slightly less unhinged. So, I guess, you call me a little more hinged than yesterday. But not fully hinged, not by far.

I tried to sign up for Weight Watcher’s again yesterday. I hoofed it over about four blocks in the stinkin’ cold, using up precious gym time, but I thought it might be worth it to have some support. The WW person never showed up. How’s that for enthusiastic support? But, I’m thinking that was a good thing. The crowd was less than inspiring.

There was one person there who was there when I went to the meetings last year. And I remember being kind of annoyed by her last time, because no matter what you were talking about, she ALWAYS found a way to bring it back around to the fact that she’d been there for two years! And wasn’t that great! She knows all about it! Isn’t she everybody’s Miss WW! But here’s the thing. I overheard her telling someone that she’s lost, are you ready for it? 60 pounds. Yes, that is quite an accomplishment. It took her TWO YEARS people. TWO YEARS. My God, what, is she eating one less doughnut a day? Yeah, yeah, I know, good for her, blah blah. But I was so sick of hearing her tell everyone how great she was, and to find out that BFD, she lost 60 lbs and has AT LEAST that much more to go. So she’ll be nice and thin for her trip to Boca when she’s 70!

And then, the others. I heard one lady telling the other, “I know I gained two pounds last week, but I just can’t live without my half and half in my coffee and little piece of cake before I go to bed” – I don’t think I’d want to have to constantly clamp my mouth shut for fear of saying something very to-the-point.

I think most of this bitterness and urge to stab someone with a ten-pound-loss pin is that the last meeting helper type of thing I attended was a Narcotic’s Anonymous meeting, quite some time ago. (Yes, I’ve been clean for wait-let me count – 21 years now, and yes, I’m still clean, just don’t go to meetings anymore. I was sixteen when I got clean, so when I grew up, I didn’t really need any help living a clean life, as it is the only way I know. I wasn’t really feeling a need to be there, and haven’t for about 15 years now.) The NA meetings are a little more rooted in tough love, because addicts can certainly load on the self pity and are all too ready to heap the blame on everyone and everything else. I personally respond to this much better. I would much rather someone call me on my s—t than to coddle me. And I would much rather call someone else on it, too. All of that freaking rationalization about why they couldn’t give up a biscuit with their dinner? I wanted to shout “F—k, people, why are you HERE? GET OUT! You don’t want help!” So maybe I shouldn’t attend those meetings, I’m guessing.

Learning to bend

I started doing the WW again back on Jan 5, and so far I’ve lost 3.6 pounds! I went to the gym yesterday at lunch. That was the first time I’ve been to the gym since I was pregnant with S. I did actually exercise a little bit when I was first pregnant, but then I got tired and worried that I’d do something bad, so I stopped. It has been at least two years since I’ve been. It felt absolutely wonderful.

I love the elliptical machine, always have, and as I got on and slid my water bottle into its slot, it felt like coming home. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be; my legs are sore today, but I wasn’t huffing and puffing as I had imagined. I’m going today to do upper body—yea!

It is a little cumbersome carrying the bag that I have; and I decided that if I keep going for two weeks, I’ll buy myself a nice backpack to use.

The last time I lost so much weight and got into great shape was doing the Body For Life program. It worked, and worked well, but it isn’t something that I can continuously do. I’m not going to get up at 5am to work out every day. And what I’m realizing is that I don’t have to. I can go during lunch, or after Sam’s asleep, but I need to cut myself some slack and realize that everything about it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just because the guy says that you need to work out First Thing In The Morning, it doesn’t mean that if I work out during the afternoon that I’m a failure. If I get there, it’s all good! I still get a gold star! And the diet was pretty strict. I need to allow for a latte here and there, it keeps me from binging like a wild woman.

I’m realizing that this applies to a lot of my life. It seems that I set these rigid goals of perfection, and if I can’t reach them, I give myself no credit (and give up). As a new mother, I felt that everything had to be done absolutely by the book, with no variation. I think most new parents are like that. As time goes by, and you don’t break him, you realize that it is okay to trust your instincts. It is okay to slack some.

It has occurred to me that this should apply to life in general, and as I’m beginning to allow myself to slack a bit here and there, I ‘m more fun to be around. I don’t want to become my uptight aunt, screaming at her ten year old son not to get his white Easter pants dirty. I want to be the one who is helping him search for eggs, and if we don’t find any, show him that we’ll still have fun, by rolling around on the ground wrestling. As clichéd as it is, I need to remember that it isn’t the destination, it is the experiences getting there. That sounds almost like a resolution, doesn’t it? Oh yeah, and that losing 35 pounds thing.

Just to keep me honest:
Height 5’3”

Weight:
1/5/09: 168.8
1/12/2009: 165.2

Loss 3.6 lbs!! Yea!!

My moment of clarity

I went to Starbuck’s this morning, to get a Black Tea Latte. And the cashier had on a billabong hoodie. In one very swift and definite moment, the desire to move back to San Diego was born. This desire has poked up its head many times in the last year, but usually I have been able to brush it away, like a mosquito. this has been easy in the past, as I simply recite the list of Reasons Not To Move There:
1) the cost of living is HIGH and we can’t buy a house
2) the job market is not good right now
3) it is expensive to move
4) there aren’t any places for Charlie horse


And, of course, my answers:
1) We can’t buy a house anyway; our credit sucks right now. The housing market has come way down there, and maybe by the time we are ready to buy, it will be more reasonable. And I don’t feel a strong desire to buy anything right now. Last time we lived there, I was in a different place, and felt that I NEEDED to own a house to feel like a worth member of society. I feel completely different about that now.
And believe it or not, but we could live in a decent house, granted more towards the hills than the ocean, for only a couple of hundred dollars more than we’re paying now.
2) I just looked out on dice.com, and there are many, many jobs for which I’m qualified, with strong companies. Whether I’d actually GET one of these jobs? Who knows. But I wouldn’t move until I did.
3) This one is difficult. We are finally building up some savings again. Mike was going to quit his job at the end of this month, maybe we can plan a bit further into the future and he’ll keep working, and we’ll keep adding to the savings account, at least for a couple of months.
4) I did some web research, and there are many, many boarding stables. Actually a lot better options than in CO, as grass actually grows in CA.

I can’t explain why I suddenly have such a strong urge. But I haven’t had one in a long, long time. It feels very much like a ‘moment of clarity’. Suddenly, I felt as if I woke from a fog, thinking, ‘Why are we here? We could be THERE!’

When we lived there before, we didn’t have children, were very into mountain biking and dirt bike riding, things that we did with a group of friends. When we moved to SD, we missed those friends and those activities. That was a long time ago, and now those friends have kids, have gotten divorced, etc. Our lives are so different now, and our priorities are quite different. I don’t care so much if I can’t afford a new car or to buy a huge house.

I’m going to give it the weekend test. If I still feel this way by Monday, I’m going to get more serious about researching it.

Catch Up (Whew!)

Wow, has it been that long? I’ve been busy, but in a good way. I really like it when life is so full that you can’t fit anything else in. When it is full, not just frenzied. The difference? When you are busy doing things that fulfill you, give you joy, give your life meaning, then life is full. When you are busy running around doing pointless tasks, it is NOT full, just frenzied. You know what I mean.

Christmas was absolutely freaking wonderful. S was sick up to that day, nothing major, just a fever and general blah. Christmas he was better, though, and oh my goodness we had so much fun watching him open presents, and of course, the look when he saw what Santa brought was enough to keep me going for another year without anything to eat…. I knew it would be good, but man, the utter and sheer joy on that kid’s face. My heart grew three sizes!

We got to go to S’ grandparents’ (my husband’s aunt and uncle) house, which is not something we’ve done in a long while. Last year, my mother came and it was such an ordeal that we didn’t really enjoy it. This time we went over and there was a big group of people, and talk of Christmases past (we’ve spent 20 together!), and funny stories, and a great meal, and just a general really good holiday feel.

S did get sick again the next Sunday(groan), but seems to be better now. Being home with him for that long was so great, and, as any parent knows, so hard to end. M was planning on leaving his job at the end of January, and this just solidified that plan. I love that S gets interaction with other kids at daycare, but we’re noticing some differences as of late. He has started carrying around his fleece jacket all of the time while at daycare. He doesn’t do this at home, and it worries me that he wants a comfort object while he is there. He was sleeping a little more there, but nowhere near what he should be (an hour is the longest that he’s slept there, for all day). So, we are hoping to back down to a couple of days a week for daycare, M can do something very part time to get him out of the house, and S will hopefully benefit from it.

And I have a confession to make. I’m addicted. Hopelessly. We discovered that there is a version of Rock Band that will work with our ancient PS2. And it is absolutely incredible. And when I say incredible, I mean INCREDIBLE!!!! It has drums, guitar(which you can play as a bass, too), and a microphone. We have spent every night after S goes to bed playing this thing. And having SO MUCH FUN!

The coolest thing about this is that while we do get to have time for ourselves, mostly it is doing something separate – M has his Harley, and golf, and I have my horse, and luckily, we give each other time to enjoy these things while the other spends time with S. But we don’t really do much together, other than watch tv. This has really changed that, and it is so great to laugh and shake off the stress of the day. I don’t even like video games, but this one just absolutely was worth it, and it is so much more than just sitting there hitting a game controller. At any rate, I love it when you buy something and you know without a doubt that it is worth the money. And this one was.

Now going through the adjustment back to the real world, but totally worth it to have had such a great time off.

Friendless

I have a friend who is pregnant, and has had a previous loss. I’ve been in contact with her almost daily via email. I haven’t heard from her since before Thanksgiving. I’m so torn as to what to do. Do I :
a) call her directly, thereby forcing her to give me bad news in person, when she may not have wanted to
b) email her and ask if everything is okay, thereby seeming like a needy, whiny person from whom she may want to run as fast as she can
c) ignore it, and hope that no news is good news

Ahhh, my neurotic friend phobias are coming to a head. This is why I have no friends. I analyze every move before I make it, and most of the time end up doing nothing, for fear of doing the wrong thing and scaring the friend away, like an almost tame squirrel. I’m already so afraid of having an actual phone conversation that the only way we’ve really become closer is through email. I’m always afraid of what I’ll talk about, and how long are you supposed to carry on a phone conversation anyway? I feel like there is some law that says you have to talk for at least 30 minutes, which usually results in my spouting out anything that comes into my head. Which is usually wildly inappropriate and/or offensive. Or, worse, incredibly boring.

In my teenage years, I wasn’t this way. I spent hours on the phone, talking about nothing. Somewhere, that changed. Probably when my friendships started to become based on more than a love of Sebago shoes and peace sign earrings. I need more friends, but their neediness scares me. And then my fear of being needy results in my being standoffish, which results in TA DA! No friends.

Ruthless cycle, that.

And you thought that candy bar in the diaper thing was bad

Can you imagine eating this at a baby shower? Or anywhere, for that matter!
http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/2008/11/fetus_cookie_cutter.html

Thanks Amy!

Someone was saying how scared they would be with no time to sleep, less time for sex, and no time for each other, about how their relationship would fare after having children. I’ll be honest; there is nothing that will test your relationship like having a child. But there is nothing that will strengthen it, deepen it or define it as much, either. We were married for 17 years before we had a child. I have learned more about my husband in the past 15 months than I did in all of our marriage before. Don’t get me wrong, I knew all of his stories, his sense of humor, that he was in an eighties hair band (when he was in high school) called, wait for it, “Hard Knox”, but I really didn’t know how he’d be in battle. And I have more respect, love and all out admiration for him than I ever did before.

Yes, there are times that I want to scream “I’m doing everything!” , and at times, I do. But the first time I came home to find him curled up with our son in our bed because our son was crying in the crib, I fell deeper in love than I could have imagined. Sometimes it feels just like those moments on The Amazing Race, the couples scurrying around, shouting blunt answers to each other. But the cool thing is that our relationship is so strong now (even stronger than it was, and that is saying A LOT), that we are able to forgive those things said under extreme duress.

I’m not saying everyone should have a child. It isn’t for everyone, and we didn’t think it was for us for a long, long time. I’m not saying it is easy, because it definitely isn’t. But it is an event that gave me a wildly different perception of life. It altered my priorities in a huge way. I’ve become a better person. I've become a better wife. We've become a better couple. I'm grateful for that. Because that little ninnymuggins deserves the best.

Tofurkey and my Imaginary Friend

I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but this morning when the guy in the cube next to me started into my cube to tell yet another story about either
a) his massive task of redoing the storm drains in his yard
b) something stupid that his wife said or did or made him do
c) something way more than I want to know about his bathroom habits,

I picked up my cellphone and acted as if someone had called me. I had a five minute conversation with an imaginary friend about how to prepare a tofu turkey (or tofurkey, as I referred to it). I don’t even know how to prepare one, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. And I gave her advice about how to not offend her vegan guests by serving meat as well for her non vegan guests (“if they don’t want to be around it, then they shouldn’t come…”). I can’t believe I actually just did this, and had an entire imaginary conversation! I also gave her my pecan pie recipe. Oh my God, I so belong in the nuthouse.

And it totally worked, the guy next door was thwarted, forced to go regale another coworker with his tales.

I am laughing so hard right now. Especially at the random topic. At least it is a great exercise in creativity. And I will do it again! This has such a great array of possibilities. Car salesmen, the guy on the street that just "wants to take a minute to testify about Jesus", the woman in the elevator that has on the pink denim jacket that has been Beadazzled within an inch of its life....Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

I wanted to disclose this in case you want to keep your children away from me in the future.

Arrrggggghhh

Total rant and venting ahead, proceed with caution:

The place where I work, oh man, it is so funny and weird. The clerical whose cube (it is more open with a sort of “breakfast bar” type thing on the front) is right across the aisle from me came in yesterday and asked me if she could put her head down and go to sleep. In my cube. While I’m working. I feel for her, she’s pregnant, so I know she’s tired. But sharing a 6x8 cube with someone else sleeping behind me? Weird. And, if her bosses(my bosses, too) came into my cube and saw her sleeping on the clock (she’s paid hourly), I can’t imagine what would unfold. But, being the weenie that I am, I said it was okay. So she slept in my cube for an hour. Do you know what it is like to have someone snoring two feet behind you while you try to figure out how to choose the proper encryption algorithm?

And every time I get anything to eat, she comes in and asks if she can have some. I got some M&Ms yesterday, and I had to try and not make a rattly sound with the wrapper, because I was hungry and wanted to be able to eat them all. She’s a sweet girl I guess, but a little strange. It was hilarious; I would sneak out like five of them, and then hide the bag in my drawer. I used to eat cereal at my desk in the morning, but every time she heard me pour the cereal, she’d come over and ask for some. And it isn’t an issue of not having the money to eat; she just bought a new car. I’m all for sharing some, but come on! Oh well, maybe it’ll be good for me, if I don’t eat at my cube, maybe I’ll lose some weight! She could start her own company called “I’ll Eat Half Your Food”. Lose Weight! Feel Great! I’ll Eat Half Your Food! And then sleep with you within an uncomfortable radius.

Asshat (in the cube next to me) is having digestive issues again. God help me. I actually practically yelled “Putting on my headphones!” while he was giving details on his phone call approximately a foot away from my ear. There are certain things you don’t do in a cube farm, people. Digestive issues go on the “no-no” list. Step out into the hall, and use your cellphone. That, and you never, ever comment on a personal conversation someone is having, even if it was so loud that anyone could hear. I know about every fight that asshat has had with his wife, but I never act like I have any clue about it. It is an unwritten code.

I’m definitely starting to get more negative about this company, and I’m trying to do better. They are building a new campus with all of this state of the art equipment --the workstations are new, to allow light from all the windows, the monitors are on swing arms, everyone has their own vents so that they can control the temperature, they are going to have Starbucks coffee, water machines!, actual breakrooms with a sink! (and soon we'll get one of those newfangled light bulbs I've heard so much about), etc. Up until a couple of weeks ago, as far as we knew, we were going to be moving there in April. Then they told us that although everyone else in the company was going to the new campus, they hadn’t planned correctly, and there wasn’t room for us, so we are staying in our building, which was (I’m not kidding) last renovated in 1984. No light, urine colored walls, cubes, carpet (that has stains ALL OVER IT), the bathrooms are hardly ever in service, and oh, they are taking away the restaurant downstairs. Yeah, so I’m kind of bummed. Stupid little extras like that really go a long way. And no plans to renovate our building. Just be grateful you have jobs, was what we were told. Which is true, I know, but yeesh.
AND, every other team in our department has scheduled their Christmas party. Except us. I don't think we are getting one this year. Which is fine, as long as they let us have the half day off. Which they probably won't-- they probably didn't "plan properly" for it. At least I just mistyped "for it" as "for tit" and got a good, juvenile laugh out of it!

the ATL

M took me to Atlanta over the weekend to see Wicked and spend the night in an actual hotel, just the two of us. S spent the night away for the first time. It went really well. He loved it, Grandma loved it, and the two of them are nothing but trouble together. Such a team, those two. I always thought I’d be jealous of anyone else that my child loved, but it only makes me happy. Because it makes him happy. And anyone that makes him happy is okay in my book. Well, almost anyone. Richard Simmons? Probably not.

ANYWAY, it was so good to be in the city. I felt as if I were a sponge soaking it up – the diversity, the weird conversations I overheard, the traffic, the new buildings, I loved it all. And it hit me. I WANT TO BE HERE. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? We’ve thought about it before, we were worried about how big Atlanta has become. And indeed, it is large. We worried about the traffic. Yes, there is a lot. But it feels so nice to be there. We have a history there. That’s where we met, where we lived when we were married, where we went to college. I know that it is a large city with many problems. I know it is crowded, but I love it. And M does, too. It is close enough to the mountains, close enough to the beach, close enough to M’s aunt and uncle, and still close enough to all of the things a city has to offer. And now that I’m not in contact with my mother, I don’t have to worry about her running my life. I think that had to happen before I could fully embrace moving there. And I’m so ready.

So, we are going to start looking at jobs next March or so, and we are going to start researching good day care options now. We are still trying to figure out exactly where in Atlanta we want to live, and then I’ll pinpoint where to look for jobs. But we are excited. Rental prices are the same as here in Hooterville – and the selection is a lot larger.

I really think that we’ll settle in there. We’ve already shown a lot of progress in the fact that we haven’t run back to Denver, like we usually do. We know that neither of us likes the cold weather. I know that M’s aunt and uncle (we call them the grandparents) love S so much, we don’t want to take him away from that. If we didn’t try it out, we’d always regret it. And, we've got a reputation to uphold. Can't go more than a year and a half and not move, can we?

I'm giddy

I feel such a surge of pride to be in my country. I haven’t felt that in a while. And it feels good. Being here in the heart of conservative country, I can’t discuss it with anyone. I have to hide my joy. But even so, I’m very joyful. Just the thought that so many people in our country looked at the issues at hand, not at the color of his skin.
After seeing so many elderly African Americans at the polls, who made a great effort to get there, I realized just how much I take for granted every day. Yes, here in Hooterville, I am the victim of some forms of prejudice because I’m a woman, but they are nothing compared to what most of these people have faced in their lives, especially living here. And it is still rampant; the first thing my husband’s boss did yesterday morning upon coming in to work was to raise his hands in the air and declare “White Power!” – yeah, good stuff. Until you live in the heart of all that the sterotypes are made of, you don’t realize how little really has changed in all this time. This evidence that, for most of the country, this is a thing of the past, has given many people a tiny glimpse of hope. And what could be bad about that?

I look forward to the day that I can try to explain to my son what this election meant to so many people. I ordered a yard sign today (half price!), just to pack away and show him someday. It will probably take him a while to appreciate it, but I know that someday he will.

Not to mention that I fully believe this man can do it, and has the sense to surround himself with others that can do it, that WANT to do it. I’m excited to see what will unfold.

Yippee!!

Please, please, let me get what I want

Election Day! I went to the local city hall. I waited for about an hour in line. The ballot was manual, meaning that I had to actually fill in the oval, like an SAT test. The people in line were all very pleasant, sharing pens, making polite conversation, laughing about how we all meant to apply for absentee ballots. And there is a bakery right by the city hall, so I was fueled by a cookie completely frosted with pumpkin colored icing. It really wasn’t a bad experience at all.

But all day, I’ve had a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Please, please, please let Obama win. I honestly don’t know if I can take it if he doesn’t. I hate to sound like a whiny child, wanting to get what I want or pitch a tantrum. I know that is what it sounds like.. But let me say that I was so, so angry with the American people after the last election. I really couldn’t imagine what the heck happened. It was so clear to me. But all of my co workers were totally Bushified, and no amount of logic worked, so I’m sure the rest of the country was, too. I’m sure I wouldn’t change my mind because of something my coworker said, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Of course, today, here in corporate culture of fear land, no one says a word about which way they might lean. So, I’ll have to wait until tonight to see how things go. I’m nervous. I’m somewhat excited, but I was last time as well, only to be terribly, terribly disappointed.

Speaking of which, so, so, so not pregnant. Despite being 5 DAYS LATE. Bite me, whoever is in charge of that. Just …Bite me. And get me another frosted pumpkin cookie, post haste.

A year ago today

A year ago was my last day at my old job in Denver. The movers were packing up our house. They came the next day and finished up, we must’ve run some errands, tried to clean somewhat, and then went to the hotel. The next morning we had to get up really early so M could take S and me to the airport. I remember that it was snowing, and we laughed about it, about how glad we were to leave the snow behind.

I remember that S was so small, but he seemed so big then! I remember having him in the over the shoulder baby holder sling. He was very, very good the whole time. Until the flight attendant on the plane to Chattanooga made me take him out of it during take off. He wasn’t happy about that. But then I put him back in once we got up in the air, and he was very happy. I think I fed him a bottle. And I remember the person next to me marveling at how I put the bottle together and mixed the formula with one hand. I hadn’t really thought about it, and then I thought “Yeah, that is pretty wild, I’ve really adapted to this!”

Mostly I remember how nice people were. The young college age guy offering his spot in line so that I could get through easier, saying “You’ve got your hands a lot more full than mine!”, the TSA guy that helped me with the stroller and diaper bag, by getting it all together for me and carrying it to a table from the conveyor belt. The nice older ladies that offered to help me while I was packing everything up. The wonderful men that helped me with the stroller pickup at the gates when we arrived. The man that carried my stroller for me up two flights of stairs at the Chattanooga airport. I was touched by these actions, and I hope I have the chance to show someone else the same kindness. I hope if I’m on a plane with a fussy baby, I have the ability and opportunity to help. To take the stress off of someone when they really need it, rather than roll my eyes and add to it. Each one of these people could’ve turned their noses up and gone about their day, but they really made an effort. And that touched me in a way nothing has in a long time. It is nice to remember.

In an effort to keep this nice feeling going, I'm going to try to list at least one nice thing someone has done for me this week. I focus all too easily on the negative. I'm going to make myself focus on the positive, for five minutes a week, at least. Then I can go back to bitching and moaning.

Just a little patience, yeah, yeah (with apologies to Axl Rose)

M got a job, by the way. We can now pay our bills, and actually put money into savings at the same time! The absence of that worry is sheer bliss. I cannot put into words the amount of room left over when stress and worry packed up their stuff and moved out. Hopefully to an Eastern bloc country, where they will never be granted permission to leave the country again.

Of course, I have a new thing to obsess about, but this is something I don’t really mind obsessing about…

So, I’m in the midst of the Two Week Wait. I didn’t really think much about it while we were actively “trying”, but now that I know it is a possibility, I’m very impatient. I tested yesterday and (so sad) this morning, but really it is too early. I’m not due to start until Sunday, why can’t I just wait and see if AF comes to visit? Because I can’t, that’s why! I am so freaking impatient about it. And after last time, you’d think I’d rather just wait a while, not get excited only to wind up crushed by another chemical pregnancy. But here I am, caught deeply in the throes of suspense induced craziness.

I keep thinking, I have this symptom! And this, and this! And then I realize that cramps, bloating and crabbiness are also signs that I’m NOT pregnant. So, I’m sitting here trying to talk myself out of testing tomorrow. I almost went and bought more tests, but I haven’t. The only one I have left is a digital, and I really prefer the non digital ones, as they are available for advanced Is That A Line analysis (this type of analysis is related to Could It Have Been A Line In A Previous Life, and Maybe That Test Is Defective, I Should Take Another One Just To Be Sure analysis).

So, I’m hoping that will give me enough to go on to wait until Friday. But probably not. Who am I kidding? If I had one with me, I’d probably be testing in the bathroom here at work (which I have done in the past, yes I have a problem) Why oh why do I do this to myself? Aaahhh! And how in the heck am I supposed to work while going through this? Oh that’s right, I’m NOT working, I’m writing this…

I’m sure I could make a short trip to Target without anyone noticing, right? Right?