Thursday, December 04, 2008


I have a friend who is pregnant, and has had a previous loss. I’ve been in contact with her almost daily via email. I haven’t heard from her since before Thanksgiving. I’m so torn as to what to do. Do I :
a) call her directly, thereby forcing her to give me bad news in person, when she may not have wanted to
b) email her and ask if everything is okay, thereby seeming like a needy, whiny person from whom she may want to run as fast as she can
c) ignore it, and hope that no news is good news

Ahhh, my neurotic friend phobias are coming to a head. This is why I have no friends. I analyze every move before I make it, and most of the time end up doing nothing, for fear of doing the wrong thing and scaring the friend away, like an almost tame squirrel. I’m already so afraid of having an actual phone conversation that the only way we’ve really become closer is through email. I’m always afraid of what I’ll talk about, and how long are you supposed to carry on a phone conversation anyway? I feel like there is some law that says you have to talk for at least 30 minutes, which usually results in my spouting out anything that comes into my head. Which is usually wildly inappropriate and/or offensive. Or, worse, incredibly boring.

In my teenage years, I wasn’t this way. I spent hours on the phone, talking about nothing. Somewhere, that changed. Probably when my friendships started to become based on more than a love of Sebago shoes and peace sign earrings. I need more friends, but their neediness scares me. And then my fear of being needy results in my being standoffish, which results in TA DA! No friends.

Ruthless cycle, that.

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