Limbo Land

Well, I'm bouncing between being in complete denial of this pregnancy, to wanting to tell the world. Denial wins most of the time. I had lunch with a friend who is eight weeks pregnant, with her first. For some reason, I was a little mad at her. I think I am jealous that she is completely unafraid, rambling on about what kind of car to get that will support a car seat (I wanted to scream at her, “You are only eight weeks along! Save the drama for later!”), telling us that she has been wearing maternity clothes for two weeks already – I wasn’t wearing them when I miscarried last time, at 15 weeks. I feel like a terrible person, I want to be happy for her, and join in her silliness, but I just have to fake it right now. I had a little spotting last Thursday, and that REALLY sent me into some kind of bitter denial phase. It stopped, and I had no cramping, but it really brought me even more to reality that anything could go wrong at any time. But, there are people, like my friend, who will go through the whole thing blissfully and have no complications. And I’m happy for her, really. At least I want to be.

I go between not being able to wait until my appointment, to thinking I don’t EVER want to go. I watched Studio 60 last night, they showed her going into an appointment and having an ultrasound, and I had to make myself slow my breathing. I was actually panting with anxiety. I definitely felt then that I would like to just wait 9 months and see what comes out. But I do want to know if this is an actual baby, rather than a molar pregnancy, or blighted ovum, or at least sometimes I do. Just now I started thinking about it, and I felt my heart start to race.

Husband doesn’t want me to ride my horse on the trail anymore, which is not good. I understand his point, but because of the weather, I haven’t been trail riding in two or three weeks! The horse coughs when I ride him in an arena, so I’m limited to the polo field or the trail. I’ll have to see how I feel when I ride him again. I wasn’t allowed to last weekend because of the spotting, and also we had some people visiting. One of these people is a very good friend, but it really bugs me when she says, “Oh, you can get in the hot spring, you’ll be fine”, and “you can ski, why do you worry about it?” which is easy for her to say, since she has a healthy 2 and a half year old. It ticks me off when she acts like I’m being a wimp for trying to help this thing survive.

I know I should try and take this thing one day at a time. And I’ve been doing pretty well. For some reason, today, I cannot focus on my work. For one thing, it is Christmas! And I just don’t want to work, I wish I could take some vacation time, but I don’t want to, just in case I do actually have a baby, so I can have 6 weeks leave. Welcome to the world of limbo. Get used to it.

Morning Sickness, anyone?

So, I was definitely nauseated this morning, not something I really experienced with the last one. I wish that was a good sign, that this one is different and better somehow, but I really know that it doesn't signify anything. I am finding that if I keep something on my stomach, it seems to dissipate-- which is great, now I have an excuse for nonstop eating!

I've already gone and screwed up my plan of not telling anyone, I told my Dad yesterday. I won't let anyone congratulate me though. He tried, and I said "you can congratulate me when I deliver a healthy baby". I hope I can stick to that. Husband and I were discussing this, and if something happens early on, we'll try again. If it goes as far as last time, forget it. I'm really hoping I can stick to the attitude of what happens, happens. I used to feel that I HAD to worry before an appointment, or something would go wrong. I realize now that no matter how much I worry, if it is going to die, it will die, and conversely, if it will live, it will live! Personally, I'm voting for the latter.

Still pregnant, at least for today!

If only I had a parachute...

Well, I'm pregnant again. After only one month of trying!! Pretty incredible. I told myself I was going to wait until I was three months late to take another test, but I gave in on Saturday, which was actually three or four days before my period is due. I peed on the stick, and watched, and thought, nah, it is negative, but then I came back and looked again, and indeed there was a very faint line. I immediately went upstairs to ask Husband if it looked like a line to him. He was so good natured about it, considering I woke him up at 6:30 in the morning to discuss the subtleties of the pink line. So, yesterday, I bought another test, and this time, the line was MUCH stronger. No doubt about it, at least for this second, I am pregnant. Again.

We were both pretty calm about it, a little yea! and then our armour came on. Don't want to spend too much energy on it this time. I sure don't want to start planning my life differently. We were going to use the room we have as an office for the n....ry (i don't even want to type it), and we were just beginning to buy some office furniture, Husband asked if we should stop buying it, and I said no. If I make it to 8.5 months, we'll move the stuff out. Otherwise, keep building the office. I will not read a baby book, buy any memory books, take home any ultrasound pictures, or browse any baby sites at least until after the amnio. Which means I'll have to make it that long. I did tell my Mom, as she was quite helpful the last time when everything went to Hell. But I'm trying very hard not to tell anyone else about it.

The good thing is that I know the conception date within two days, so I'll know if it is measuring small or not-- although I really don't think it did last time. I am definitely going to have to watch what I eat, I gained so much weight and never lost it, I'm a little worried about it. I went to the gym this morning, and plan to start going three or four times a week, I figure that combined with horseback riding should give me a lot of exercise.

Speaking of which, I rode him (the horse, not the husband) in the indoor arena, and he started to cough, cleared his nose a few times, and we were suddenly able to trot and canter! I hope this continues, as I would LOVE to be able to ride him at night throughout the winter. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, here we are, jumping out of a plane without a parachute....

Deja Vu all over again

Well, the baby died. I went in for my 15 week appointment, and no heartbeat. I had a D&C 2 days later. It was hell. I wasn't even nervous about the doctor's appointment, I was worried about the amnio scheduled for the next day. He explained that they wouldn't do an ultrasound, just the Doppler, but we would get to hear our baby's heartbeat. We were excited at the prospect. He kept trying to find it, and the batteries ran out. He went to get another one. He still couldn't find it. At this point, I thought something was wrong. He brought in the ultrasound, assuring us that it was probably just in a strange position... and then the ominous silence began. He kept looking at it, changing direction, looking at it. I knew, as did my husband. I finally said "Is something wrong?" to which he answered "Just give me a minute, here." Why didn't he just say, I think so... instead of dragging it out? We knew anyway at that point. He brought in another doctor to confirm it. I was just so ANGRY. Why did we have to go through this TWICE with this pregnancy? Not fair. I'm still angry sometimes, particularly when I hear someone complain about having a girl instead of boy, etc. I feel like screaming to them YOU UNGRATEFUL B***H! But I don't. I just sit there and I feel the ball of sadness inside of me increase its diameter just a bit more. It grows until I can't hold it in anymore, and then I cry. Then it begins building again. The good thing is that is takes longer to build each time. At first, it was every five minutes (I'm not kidding, I couldn't wear my contacts because of the salt buildup), then every hour, then day, and now it is only once or twice a week. The human spirit is pretty amazing, because three weeks ago, I didn't think I would get off the couch. Except to ride my horse. That is what saved me, I think. I found out about this on Monday, rode him for a good, long time on Tuesday, worked from home on Wednesday, and had the D&C on Thursday. I wasn't really bleeding, so I rode him after a week, and now I ride whenever I can. I thank God that I love doing something so much, and that my love for it didn't die with the baby. It gives me something to look forward to, you know? And, of course, my husband was so wonderful to me, and continues to be.

I thought that since I made it into my second trimester, all was safe. I was wrong. They don't know when the baby died, the head measurement was 14 weeks, crown to rump was 13 weeks. I'm doing much better, but I still have my low moments. We did get the results back from the testing on the baby, and it had complete triploidy, which is where every chromosome had an extra one, for a grand total of 3. It is 100% fatal. So, I was glad to know that it wasn't because of something wrong with me, and it was nothing I had done, and it is NOT genetic. We're going to try again, but we are taking it SLOWLY. I gained some weight (hey, I was pregnant, I was eating!), so now I have to get it off before I get pregnant again, probably a couple of months down the road. But I figure it'll take us around 6 months to get pregnant again anyway, so it really doesn't matter. I'm still waiting to get my period after the D&C, as we are forbidden to try again before that momentous occasion.

This time around, if I do get pregnant, I don't see any reason to even go to the doctor until I'm 12 weeks. It was hard enough worrying about it for 3 months-- if I don't really know it is a real pregnancy, then I won't worry about it, right? I have read that there is an increased incidence of molar pregnancy after having a triploidy one, if that happens, we are f***ed because you have to wait a year afterwards to try again-- and I'm too old to waste a year. I will rent a Doppler if I get pg again, just so I can check in-- I think one of the hardest things was that as each week went by, our confidence went up. This way, I'll know pretty quickly if things end.

I couldn't believe I heard this come out of my mouth, but I was talking to my Mom (she, unbelievably, has been so helpful through this), and she was saying "You'll get pregnant again, and everything will be all right", and astoundingly, I said, "And hopefully things will go well this time, but you know what, if they don't, I'll be all right anyway. My life will go on, and I will still enjoy it. I have a great life, job, HUSBAND!! (he is just the best), horse, dogs, cat, and the fact that I can't have a baby will not negate that. I'll grieve again, and then I'll move on." And you know what, it is true. I don't feel that I have a huge hole in my life that can only be filled by a baby. I just feel that my life would be enhanced by a baby-- but I won't die if it doesn't happen. This realization is quite wonderful. Life will go on, baby or not.

3 MONTHS!!

Well, I can't believe I made it to 12 weeks. That's right, my first milestone. I'm hoping to be able to relax a bit now. I really wanted to tell people at work, but my boss wants me to wait?! I'm not sure why. Of course, in a couple of weeks it will be fairly obvious. I'm showing just a little, little bit right now, and I can wear baggy shirts to cover it. But it is starting to get cooler, and when I put on a sweater, it is beginning to be obvious.

3 and a half more weeks until the amnio. I nervous about both the results and the miscarriage chances, but the way I look at it, if I miscarry at that point, I'm just NOT meant to have a baby. It will kill me, but I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As for the results, I'm pretty scared. Part of me says I would terminate if something is found, part of me says I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I terminated. So, I'm waffling right now. I pray that I don't have to make that decision.

My husband's cousin, let's call him God's Gift To Women (ggtw), is quite the piece of work. He honestly believes that every woman that says hello, responds to something he asks, or seats him at a restaurant wants to sleep with him. He is 40 years old, overweight, and not very attractive. In addition, his personality sucks. He thinks he knows everything, and will not accept anyone else's input on a subject.
My husband and ggtw went to a hot spring that was clothing optional. The object of clothing optional is NOT to check out other people, it is about being comfortable in your skin, and not caring what other people think about you. I guess it is sort of a spiritual, natural, hippie kind of thing. I totally get it, although I'm not ALWAYS comfortable taking my clothes off, but it doesn't really bother me to be around it.

GGTW, of course, tries to talk to every woman there. Did I mention he is married with two children? One woman was from the South originally, like my husband and ggtw, so they talked for a bit about it. My husband said she was NOT interested, she was just talking. Her children were there with her. So, the next day, they are leaving, and she kind of touches ggtw's shoulder and says, "it was nice meeting you guys, have a fun trip". GGTW turns to my husband and says "she initiated contact. I felt a connection there. Let's hang out here and see if something happens." To which my husband replied, "We are leaving." GGTW honestly thought because the woman was being courteous, she wanted to sleep with him. It makes me sick. So, every time I say excuse me, or ask the pharmacist "how are you today?" does that make him think I want to sleep with him? Please.

Of course, it gets my ire up, because I feel threatened by him. If he is willing to sleep with any woman that will have him, will he have any influence on my husband? I know that he wouldn't, because I trust my husband, and my husband is NOT AN IDIOT. But, still, the thought creeps up in the back of my mind. Luckily, he is gone. My husband had TONS of similar stories to tell. He couldn't believe it.

His old high school buddy comes to visit in a week and a half, he is a much better guy. Definitely from the country, and kind of backwards, but I'd rather deal with that.

At any rate, happy 3 months!! What a rocky start, I pray it will be smoother from here on out.

Little Scare

My husband's cousin is in town, and coincindentally, a good friend of mine was coming back to her home town, about 4 hours away. There was a lot of stress about how I could get there, and not ruin the cousin's vacation. I wanted to just drive myself, but my husband was concerned that we don't have cell coverage all the way through the mountains, and what if the car broke down, etc. My friend saved the day by inviting me to spend the night, and let them drive on to Moab, and I had a GREAT time. Except that on Sat afternoon, I started spotting, light cramping. I almost passed out when I saw it. We were at her aunt's house, who is probably dying of cancer, and I did NOT want to bring more drama, so I snuck out of the house, and called my doctor. She said that a lot of times, sitting for too long can cause spotting, due to the constant pressure-- she said to call if the spotting became bleeding, or my cramps got worse. They didn't, thankfully. I laid down on the floor at her aunt's house, and then after the next morning ,things were MUCH better. I didn't call my husband, as I didn't think it was worth upsetting him over, and it seems that it wasn't. I had just a little spot yesterday, and today seems completely clear. Whew! I was pretty freaked out, but I managed to hold it together.

I got to see her adorable 2 year old son, what a cutie! And so smart! Her family is so cool, they are all just themselves, no pretense. Which is completely different from my family, at those big gatherings, everyone has to put on a front, so they can impress everyone else..yuck!

My husband and his cousin are gone on a fishing trip, I think they are having a good time, although it always ends with nerves a little frayed. I'll be glad to have him to myself again. I hate the fact that the only time he has to take off is taken up by his friends, rather than a vacation with me. Of course, my maternity leave is coming out of my sick and vacation time, so I can't really take any time anyway. But boy, do I want to!

Total Elation

We had our doctor's appt this morning, it was wonderful. The new nurse practitioner was very nice, I liked her a lot. She was very professional, and very empathetic with our previous situation. I was VERY anxious, as was my husband. We told her our story, so she went right to the ultrasound. And there it was. A thing that actually is beginning to look like a baby!! It was sucking its thumb, flipping around, waving its arms and legs, it was an amazing sight. I can't believe all of that is going on inside of me!! I cried while I was watching it. Unbelievable. I know this has been happening for thousands of years, but wow. This time, it is happening to me!

I am officially building the web site tonight. I was holding off on doing anything like that, but I asked the doctor when would be a pretty safe time to go public, and she said, right about now is pretty safe! So, I'm going to let my guard down a bit, and try to be optimistic. Just seeing how energetic it was made me feel really good. The heart was beating away, too. As was mine!

Holding pattern

9.5 weeks, Sunday will be 10.

We are pretty much in a holding pattern right now, which is good. I am still pregnant, at least for now, and we have a doctor's appointment on 8/15, a week from now. I changed the offices where we go, as we just weren't sure we could face that nurse practitioner that gave us the COMPLETELY WRONG information and made us think we didn't have a baby in there. I think it will just be easier not to have to face her again...
Of course, it will have been 3 weeks since we last had an ultrasound, so we are both pretty nervous about whether things are progressing as they should be. I am SO SO tired right now, I hope that is a sign that my body is building a baby in there. I wish my job had more women in managerial roles, because my boss just doesn't understand why I'm tired... I don't think he knows that pregnancy makes you into a zombie. He asked me what I did on the weekend, I told him I slept for the most part, and he acted so surprised, asking me "Why would you do that?" Ummm, because there is a little parasite inside of me, sucking the life force out of me! I literally get up in the morning, and an hour later, I want to go back to bed. Instead, I have to go to work! Oh well, hopefully not too much longer until my energy returns.

I have to say that I've been pretty optimistic, but now that the appointment is getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous about it. I don't know why I can't shake this fear, I keep telling myself that I've had more good appointments than bad, but it is still very scary. I thought about renting one of those Doppler heartbeat monitors, but I'm afraid I could get pretty obsessed with it. Still, it would be nice to hear the heart beating, and know that everything is okay, rather than going through ANXIETY HELL, where I am now.
We'll start talking about the nursery, etc, and then I think STOP! don't let yourself get his far...

And then, if I get that far, we have the amnio to worry about. I'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I keep reminding myself that BOTH of my grandmothers had children in their late 30s, one of them at 39 (and this was back in the fifties) and none of them had Down's Syndrome. I'm hoping that is a good indicator.

I'm still riding my horse, but I'm getting more and more nervous about it, I went out on Monday, and there was guy riding a four wheeler down in the Highline Canal, so you couldn't see him all of the time, just every once in a while he would pop up, scaring the bejesus out of Charlie. He did really well, and then when we came up to where the truck and trailer were blocking half of the trail, he just decided, that's it, I'm out of here! And wheeled around and tried to run off, which went quickly from a dead run to a trot, and then I made him turn around and go back through the area. I didn't really get scared until the second time, and I remembered I was pregnant-- so I got off and walked him through several times, and then he was okay. But I was a little nervous about things after that. We'll see how things go, I may ride for one more month, and then hang it up. I'm hoping to get my husband to ride him a bit, I think he would enjoy it, and Charlie will take care of him.

Our next few weeks will be busy... my husband's cousin is coming to visit next Thursday (he just told us yesterday) for a week. That's fine, he is a very close friend, I feel very comfortable with him around. He has two children, and I'm sure will be giving me all kinds of pregnancy advice-- none of which I will want!! But I know he is just trying to help. Then in September one of my husband's long time friends is coming out to visit. He has known my husband since junior high school. They spent a lot of time together when we moved back to TN last year. I would love to visit my friend in San Diego, but my maternity leave will be strictly vacation time, they don't have short term disability insurance here-- can you believe that? So, if I take any time, I think it will be to see my Mom, as her health won't permit her to come out and visit once the baby is born, so it could be years before I see her again.

I am so tired of counting down until the next appointment; hopefully if I make it to 12 weeks, I'll relax a little.

Exhaling Now

Things went well at the doctor's appointment. I almost didn't make it, there was road construction, and what usually takes me 5 minutes took 30. In addition, it was 105 degrees, and my car started to overheat, so I had to turn the heat on. I was a sweaty, anxious, angry mess. I guess it was good in a way, it took my mind off of worrying for a little bit.

By the time we got to the doctor's office, we were pretty anxious, but were trying to make small talk about ANYTHING else. We went back, and the doctor came in, started the sonogram very quickly, and again, I didn't look, until he said, very quickly, "You're good!" Then I looked over. He showed us how much the embryo had grown (quite a bit, he said), and showed us the yolk sac. The embryo seems so be moving away from it a bit, although it is hard to tell too much without a lot of zoom on the picture. He showed us the heartbeat, said it looked great, and I won't see him personally until I'm fifteen weeks (about 7 weeks from now). I have another appointment with the same nurse practitioner that gave us the HUGE scare to begin with, on Aug 14. At least my appointment anxiety level won't go up so often, as I won't be going as much.

I do feel a little more relaxed, however, I know anything could go wrong at any moment. I had a miscarriage dream night before last, and when I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream. I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I think if I make it to the 12 week mark, I'll feel a bit more confident.
I did pull my pregnancy book out from hiding.

And I certainly do have symptoms. I have been EXHAUSTED every day. When I get home I just want to sleep for 3 or 4 hours, then go eat, then go back to sleep. In addition, I am starving every two hours. And although my breast tenderness went away for a bit, it came back with a vengeance. I welcome every symptom. It means my body is still producing hormones, and that is a good thing.

I'm trying to be more optimistic, as I think it will help me mentally. I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant now, Sunday will be 8 weeks, climbing ever closer to that oh so lovely 12 week mark. If I make it that far, that is when I will make the official announcement here at work. That is when I'll try to relax a little.

Don't Think About Elephants

You know how if someone says "Don't think about elephants?" You HAVE to, at least for a millisecond, think about elephants. I'm more or less doing this on a second by second basis. Don't think about whether you'll miscarry. I think about it. Next Second-- same thing. You get the picture.

I would swear my boobs aren't as tender, and that makes me nervous. It could be that I'm just getting used to it, but then again... sigh. We go for another ultrasound on Monday, the 24th. I wake up every day, counting down how many more days. I pray that everything is going great. Of course, if it is, then I have to wait a month until I see him again, but I would like to have that opportunity. I have noticed an incredible fatigue this week, more so than I've had in the past. I'm hoping that is a good sign, that my body is working very hard to build this human. I hate to admit that I do, from time to time, think of the Bob the Builder motto: "Can I build it? Yes I can!" (Yes, I changed the "we" to "I", for obvious reasons). I have hidden my pregnancy book, and haven't looked at the ultrasound picture since Tuesday. I won't, until/unless I have another healthy one to go with it. Even then, I'm not going to allow myself to get too attached, which is sad. I wish I could be confident that everything is going to go perfectly, and in 8 months I'll have a perfect baby. But, for some reason, I just can't buy into that. Not after that first appointment.

I've wondered if I'll ever reach a point in this where I'll feel a little more relaxed. And I really don't know if I will. I keep thinking that if I can make it to 12 weeks, I'll feel a bit better. Of course, that is when all of the deformity testing is done, which will bring on a whole set of new worries. I just hope we get the chance to worry about them,if this pregnancy makes it that long.

A Small, Probably Temporary, Miracle

So, I go to the appointment yesterday. I managed not to cry much before we went. We didn't even talk about it on the drive there. We just laughed at stupid stuff, talked about going to Dairy Queen after the appointment, just normal stuff.

So, we get there, I check in, and the nurse comes to get us. We go to the SAME examination room. Really, at this point, we have both faced reality and realize what has to happen. The nurse asks me what's going on, I tell her the story. I change and we wait for the doctor.

The doctor comes in, and the first thing he says is, "I wish I could say I'm excited about your numbers, but I'm not". I replied by saying yes, I knew they weren't good. He talked to us about our miscarriage options, and I begin to tear up a bit, but I managed to stay away from full on sobbing. He told me I was holding up well, under the circumstances. I told him it was just because all of my fluids had been cried out over the weekend. We told him we wanted to try the medication induced miscarriage (at home), and he offered to do it that day. I told him I'd have to wait until the weekend. He said okay, and he wanted to do one more sonogram just to confirm the numbers.

I assumed the position, and he moved the monitor over so we could see it. I didn't even lift my head, I didn't want to see it. And then, probably not 30 seconds into it, he says, "I have to take back everything I just said." Me: "Why?" Him:"There's the heartbeat." My head popped up. What? Last week there was nothing. He showed us all around my uterus, measured the embryo, said I was 6 weeks, 1 day along. He was quite surprised as well. "What about my numbers?" I asked. He said he wasn't concerned at this point, that after the fetal heartbeat is detected, they go by the ultrasound, not the numbers.

The last person that saw me, a Nurse Practitioner, evidently paid no attention to me when I said I took a pg test on 6/11 and it was negative. She was thinking I was 11 weeks instead of 5. I wonder how many years she took off of our lives. At this point I don't care, since, at least today, the embryo is alive and well. I have another appointment on Monday 7/24 for another ultrasound. I pray that that little heart is still beating, and at a normal rate. Unfortunately, as the doctor said, really at this point there is nothing anyone can do, if it is going to miscarry, it will. If it isn't, it won't.

So, while I am wildly surprised and overjoyed at this, we are both trying desperately to hold on to our guard. We want to expect devastating news at each appointment. The last one was so awful because we weren't expecting it. But, for just a few moments, we let ourselves be happy. And we did go to the Dairy Queen afterwards.

I am trying to just relax and realize that whatever happens, happens. I have absolutely no control over it.

hCG blues

Well, I called to get the results of the test on Saturday morning. Not very good. Went from 7527 to 8832, only about 1200 up, it should've been like 3500 up. So, I have an appointment today, probably to talk about my "options". That means to discuss the various ways to abort a dead not-even-an-embryo. It is amazing how such joy can turn into such amazing, sharp, desperate, hideous pain. My husband lost his Dad when he was 9, his mother died probably 13 years ago. He has dealt with a lot in his life. I feel so immensely guilty for adding one more horrible event to it. He keeps saying he wanted this too, but I know that if I had not brought this whole stupid thing up, we would've just bumped along without going through this hell.

I did tell my boss this morning about what is going on, why I'm having to go to the doctor twice a week, etc. Although, after today, I bet that stops. Just one more appointment after that, to get it out of my body. What a fucking disappointment. I am so, so angry right now. And I generally don't get the long term, smoldering anger, usually I'm the explosive, done and over type. But this time, I am bitter. I really want to punch every pregnant woman I see. If I hear one more person tell me how many people have miscarriages, and how "I can try again". I'm going to explode. I have almost successfully convinced myself that I really don't want a child anyway, it would be a huge burden, and an incredible pull on my time. Life was good the way it was before... before this hellish nightmare began. I was able to stay somewhat upbeat for 8 months while we tried.... but I'm out of upbeat. All that is left is despair, and bitter, bitter anger.

Waiting

So, I'm waiting on Monday. I go today to get my 2nd blood draw. This sucks not knowing. If I'm going to miscarry, it would be good to at least know that and get it over with, instead of constantly switching from clinging to hope, then losing it all the next second. This is driving me crazy. In the literal sense. I cannot take much more. I keep picturing the doctor saying "Your hcg levels look great, and they are rising as they should." Then, of course, he would do an ultrasound, and viola! there's the fetus. But then, the next minute, I picture him saying "I'm sorry, but the levels are declining. This pregnancy is going to fail." I don't know which I should hope for. I don't want to think positively, then be punched in the stomach like last time. I think I am going to ask the lab person when the results from my last test will be ready, and when these will be ready. I think I have an idea of what they should be, and if I can cut down on the waiting, that would help a lot. I just can't stand not knowing. A part of me has already given up. And a part of me is so angry that I can't deal with anyone right now. It takes a major amount of strength just to smile and act as if I don't want to strangle the person on the other side of my desk.

Of course, after the NP told me the pregnancy wasn't good, and sent me down for lab work, a woman with a newborn baby comes up right behind me. It took everything I had not to burst into tears right there, but I did once I got into the lab. Luckily, a box of kleenex was right there. Right now, I feel that if this pregnancy fails, I don't want to try again. I don't think I can go through this anymore. I know this happens to everyone, but right now I feel completely alone and VERY pissed off. I would swear my boobs are less sore, and I'm not going to the bathroom as often, but the symptoms didn't start until a day or two after my positive pg test, they haven't lasted any longer, so it makes me believe there is definitely a chance that I have NOT been pregnant for 11 weeks. I guess I'll have to wait until Monday to know for sure.

And, of course, two people we barely know (I've met them once) have asked if they can stay with us this weekend, on their way up to Breckenridge. At the time, I didn't mind, but now it just feels like a HUGE invasion of our privacy. I don't know how I'm going to work on Monday, just waiting and waiting... I may have to call in sick, and try to work from home.
Now, I'm going to try to get to work, and focus on something else, if I can.

Bad news

Well, we went to the appointment yesterday, I told her about my LMP being 4/26, but negative test on 6/11, etc. She said "well, we'll start with your LMP and go from there." She then gave me an exam, and then started the intravaginal ultrasound. My bladder was too full, so we had to stop, then I went to the bathroom and came back. At that point, I was kind of wondering if something wasn't right, but tried to put my mind at ease. She started again, and turned the machine around, and said , "there is the yolk sac, but I don't see anything else. I don't think this is a good pregnancy." For a second, I thought I was having a bad dream. We both just kind of said "okay". A minute later, she showed us the printed picture, and it dated me at 4.5 weeks pregnant, rather than the 10 weeks based on LMP. She showed it to us and said, "this doesn't look like it should." AT that point, I was completely emotionally gone. I asked what would happen now, and she explained that they could induce a miscarriage, and everything that was involved in that process. Then, she asked me again when my last negative pregnancy test was done, I told her Jun 11, my positive was July 1. I didn't do any in between. She starts turning a wheel, and writing things down, and says, "Why don't we check your hcg levels, just in case?" So I had blood drawn, and then I go back tomorrow, and then on Monday, they can tell me if they are rising as they should, or if they are not, and I need to terminate the pregnancy, because it isn't viable.

My husband is the most incredible man out there. He was incredibly supportive, we both cried, and he was so careful to make sure I knew that I didn't cause this. After I called my Mom, got home, and quit crying, I went upstairs and did a search on the Internet. At 4.5 weeks, all you should see is a yolk sac. You shouldn't see anything else until 5 or 5.5 weeks, maybe 6. I think what she was concerned about is that if I am truly 10 weeks pregnant, that the pregnancy did not proceed past 4.5 weeks, and a miscarriage is impending. But I think that 4.5 weeks (gestational age) is entirely possible, given my negative test on 6/11. I guess I can't do anything but wait and see, but I sure don't feel like working right now. I don't feel like having to be nice to people. And I sure don't care if my deadline gets met or not.

I dreamed last night I had a miscarriage. It was so real when I woke up I thought it had actually happened for a second. I was having cramps, but I do have them a lot, woke up, walked it off, and went back to sleep. I'm having some now, as well. I'm trying so hard to keep from going from optimism to pessism, but it is hard. I guess Monday will get here eventually. I just have to prepare myself for the news that my pregnancy is not progressing. It is amazing that something I've known about for a week and a half has so much impact on me. I had started to replan my whole life. I guess I'll know better than to do that again, won't I?

Doctor's appointment today

Okay, if you had some doubt of how neurotic I am (and why would you?). I actually had test anxiety about failing the pregnancy test at the doctor. I took another one just to make sure I would get a positive result! How funny is that! I have my first appointment today, I'm hoping we can get a better guess of how far along I am. Of course, I want to know EVERYTHING right now, I want to do an ultrasound, tell me my baby is free from defects, and that everything is perfect. Unfortunately, I know that is impossible. I think I'm going to learn a lot of patience throughout this process.
Why is it when people find out your pregnant, they tell you these atrocious stories of something that happened to their friend's friend, like the umbilical cord choking the baby, etc. I don't want to know this, HELLO! I don't need anything else to worry about!!
I rode Charlie last night, just a short ride, but it was awesome. I tried to start him on a nice slow trot, which he did for 2 steps, and then broke out into a canter. I didn't mind, it felt so good. I'm able to turn him and go back the length of the polo field(quite long) as well, so he can now run two lengths without coughing, I don't know if he could go more, as I let him rest for a minute after doing two. That is incredible, considering for the last year, he's had no ability to run at all without coughing. It does my heart good. He just seems to be doing really well. His hooves are growing in nicely, no more splitting and chipping, no more stumbling. It is amazing how terrible the farriers in Tennessee were. I told them they were doing his hooves too flat, he had no heel, but of course, they just laughed at the stupid little woman... bastards!! I'm so glad to be back in CO and able to take care him the way he deserves to be taken care of...I just hope I can do the same for my baby.

Hopefully I'll have something good to report from today's appointment. It would be cool if I were 8 weeks along, I really don't think I'm 10, as the first day of my last period would indicate, only because I took my pg test around Jun 11 and it was negative. I guess we'll see!

My intestines hate me

Well, I'm still pregnant, and it is really interesting the way my body is reacting! It seems that every time I eat, I get intestinal cramping, not productive ones, but just the cramps. But, if I don't eat, I feel as if I'm going to faint. So, I just keep eating, and endure the pain. Somewhere, someone is laughing! If I can have a healthy baby, it is all worth it.
I told my Mom on Friday, and I have to say it was the cutest. She was so excited, she said "I have to move around, I can't sit still" . We have a sort of love hate relationship, but at that moment, I couldn't have loved her more. It is pretty sappy, but it was really special to tell her, and then she told me stories of when she was pregnant with me, and suddenly you have something BIG in common. You've both created life. And suddenly I have a bit more empathy with her, as I contemplate raising a child, and the struggles she had to go through. I love my Dad, but he was not the most supportive, loving husband back then. He is much better now, but he is married to someone else, which is probably the reason why! At any rate, it really tickled me to tell her. When I got her on the phone, here is how it went:
Me: "So, how does it feel?"
Mom: "How does WHAT feel?"
Me: "How does it feel to know that you are going to be a grandmother?"
Mom: "You're putting me on"
Mom: "No, are you serious?"
Mom: "Oh MY GOD!! I have to move around I'm so happy!"
Mom: "I've got to make a list of people to call."
Mom: "You're serious, right?"
Me (laughing hysterically): "Yes I am serious!"

It was great.

Back to Sanity (almost)

Wow! I just read my last post, and boy, the hormones must've been swarming. I feel much calmer now, Kaiser did actually call that day, and the lady was so nice and congratulatory. I asked her some questions, and she made me feel much better about everything. Also, just to be absolutely sure, I took another test on Tuesday, and it was a definite POSITIVE. For some reason, that set my mind at ease. I'm still having cramps off and on, but it seems that if I eat, they go away...
On Tuesday night, my husband took me out to the golf course where he works, I LOVE going out there, he takes me on a tour in a golf cart, and it is such a beautiful course. I really enjoyed it, until the end, when I was hit REALLY hard by cramps, and then I thought I was going to faint and/or throw up. I was kind of freaked out, my husband ROCKS, he was so patient and kind with me, I just started walking, and it seemed to eventually help. He mentioned that it had been six hours since we had eaten! Neither of us realized it, and to be honest, I really didn't feel that hungry! But we ate, and the cramps went away, and I felt fine after that. So, note to self: whether I feel hungry or not, eat more regularly.
I am absolutely dying to tell people, but I kind of want to wait until the three month mark, when my miscarriage risk goes down. But I REALLY want to tell my Mom, so I may wait until we go to the doctor on the 12th, and then give her a call. I can't call her until then, because I can't keep it a secret if I talk to her. I'm also anxious to find out how far along I am. I haven't had a period since 4/26 -- but I took a test around 6/11, and it was negative. I didn't take another one in a week, as I was frustrated, and didn't want to have to be disappointed again. So, I don't know if we conceived some time mid May, which would put me at 8 weeks! I'm hoping the doctor will be able to have a better idea.
Sorry for all of the pregnancy stuff, but I am just so excited. I go between bouts of intense worry that something will go wrong, to intense joy. I guess either feeling could be justified, and time will only tell.
I've ridden my horse a few times, and it is hard to get over thinking "don't fall, don't fall" all the time, even though I haven't fallen in almost two years. He totally feels my nervousness, and tests me, and once I set him straight, he calms down and so do I. He really is such a safe horse, otherwise, I wouldn't attempt riding him. I know women that have ridden up until they are 7 months, I don't think my nerves can take that! I'm figuring probably 4th or 5th month, and then Charlie gets a rest!

Roller Coaster

Well, I still haven't had my period. It is now over 2 months overdue. I decided to take one last pregnancy test. And, it was positive! I was so incredibly overjoyed. I called my husband about a zillion times, he finally called me back, and we cried together. It was wonderful. I was just beside myself. Now, the anxiety is beginning to set in. I was thinking that if I could just make it until I could get a doctor's appointment, to confirm everything looked ok, then I would be fine. But I call Kaiser, the shittiest health insurer in the world, and they won't let you make an appointment. You have to call a main number, and they'll send a message to someone, and they will hopefully call back within 2 business days, which is 3 more days for me, since the fucking fourth of July is tomorrow. I can't believe I have to wait 3 days until I can even schedule an appointment. Work is so busy right now, I don't know how I'm going to get away to even go to an appointment. I hate Kaiser right now. And I hate that I'm paying 438 dollars a month for the privilege of being talked down to by a cold, unfeeling customer service rep who could care less how worried I am about being pregnant, 35, and possibly 8 weeks along. And I am having cramps. I asked her if there was someone I could talk to, since the recording says this is the OB/GYN counseling line, and she says "I can add it to the message". Gee, thanks, maybe I'll send a letter to Santa Claus at the North Pole, I bet I get an answer sooner. It is amazing how quickly I went from euphoria to incredible anxiety. And they don't even care!
I went to get car tags today, had to go back to the emissions place, went through all of that, and still kept my cool, until I talked to Kaiser. If I don't hear from them by the end of today, I'm going to Planned Parenthood on Wednesday. It'll cost me less, and hey, they actually sounded as if they wanted to help. Amazing.

Doing something about my weight

For the first time in three years, I am motivated to do something about my weight gain. Three years ago, I did the Body For Life diet, and lost 30 pounds, and I was in INCREDIBLE shape. We moved to San Diego, and my routine was completely blown, stress set in, and three years later, I'm 30 pounds heavier again. Until this week, I just didn't have the motivation/discipline to do the diet again. BUT, this Monday, I started getting up at 5:15, getting myself to the gym every morning, and following a diet. So, I've done it for four days now, not ground breaking, exactly, but I haven't been able to stick with it for this long in 3 years. Wish me luck. I am really uncomfortable with the way I look right now, and the way I feel. I'm back in CO, and I want to be able to enjoy it! Also, if I ever get pregnant, it would be a good thing to be healthier. I currently weigh 158 (down from 159!), which is quite heavy for my 5'3" height. None of my clothes fit anymore. Even the big ones! I feel really good, probably just because I'm actually doing something about it. Monday, I felt tired, but after that, I've been pretty energetic.

Last night, I went for a ride on my horse, and it started raining. It felt so good, and it was cool, as I could picture myself coming in on a cattle drive in the rain, like a real cowgirl. Then, the thunder and lightning started, so I pushed him into a gallop and got back to the barn quick. He is such an awesome animal, Sunday I was out riding him around, and we found a new trail, that winds alongside a river; it is just beautiful. However, there were many trees and foilage, much different from the wide open spaces we're more used to. But he took it like a champ, he seemed as eager as me to see what was around every bend. I had a great time. I could pretend I was on the Lewis and Clark expedition, exploring new frontiers...

I am so grateful for the wonderful people/pets I have in my life: my INCREDIBLE husband, my two dogs and cat, and my horse. My job is pretty darn good as well. If I can stop blogging and get back to it!

Ahh, Neurotic Freedom

I love that I can ramble on about random, esoteric little items, and no one has to pretend to listen. I can complain, bitch and moan, and no one has to pretend to agree with me. Just typing it is such a therapeutic exercise-- and I don't have to concern myself with what a bother I'm being to someone else, this rocks!
I had a wonderful day yesterday, here at work I am in charge of quite a large undertaking, and I actually felt as if someone trusted me and wanted to hear my thoughts about how we should proceed. It has been a long time since I've felt that someone actually believed in my abilities, it was quite refreshing, and a big confidence builder! It seems that so often, you are told that you will be doing such and such, and then you end up sitting in front of a computer doing the crappiest work you could imagine. I think there is some jealousy among my co workers, as I haven't been here nearly as long a they have-- yesterday I walked into a room where someone had just said " Was it my name here?" with an incredulous, accusatory tone-- but when she saw me walk in, the subject completely changed, with no explanation offered. I was at first a little ticked, but I've thought about it, and really, I don't care! I'm happy to get a little recognition, and I'd probably be pissed too if someone new came in with better skills, and they jumped ahead of me. I certainly didn't ask for it, it was offered to me. The only thing I can do is try to be nice, and try not to give them a reason to hate me, if that's possible...

In other news, I am kind of disappointed in someone I've known for years, I've kept in touch with him via email for the last year, and then when I moved back, I invited him to lunch, he said he was going out of town next week, we'd get together the next week, and that was a month ago. This is not a romantic interest in any way; I'm happily married, as is he. He is more of a mentor, he has taught me a lot of what I know in my field. Part of me wants to email him and ask what the heck I did to tick him off, the other part wants to block his address from my email-- (such a 6 year old mentality-- there, that'll show HIM!!), and another part wonders if he never really liked me, but just kept up our lunches and emails because he thought I could help his business. It is hard to just let go of someone, but it is clearly time to do it!