Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Exhaling Now

Things went well at the doctor's appointment. I almost didn't make it, there was road construction, and what usually takes me 5 minutes took 30. In addition, it was 105 degrees, and my car started to overheat, so I had to turn the heat on. I was a sweaty, anxious, angry mess. I guess it was good in a way, it took my mind off of worrying for a little bit.

By the time we got to the doctor's office, we were pretty anxious, but were trying to make small talk about ANYTHING else. We went back, and the doctor came in, started the sonogram very quickly, and again, I didn't look, until he said, very quickly, "You're good!" Then I looked over. He showed us how much the embryo had grown (quite a bit, he said), and showed us the yolk sac. The embryo seems so be moving away from it a bit, although it is hard to tell too much without a lot of zoom on the picture. He showed us the heartbeat, said it looked great, and I won't see him personally until I'm fifteen weeks (about 7 weeks from now). I have another appointment with the same nurse practitioner that gave us the HUGE scare to begin with, on Aug 14. At least my appointment anxiety level won't go up so often, as I won't be going as much.

I do feel a little more relaxed, however, I know anything could go wrong at any moment. I had a miscarriage dream night before last, and when I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream. I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I think if I make it to the 12 week mark, I'll feel a bit more confident.
I did pull my pregnancy book out from hiding.

And I certainly do have symptoms. I have been EXHAUSTED every day. When I get home I just want to sleep for 3 or 4 hours, then go eat, then go back to sleep. In addition, I am starving every two hours. And although my breast tenderness went away for a bit, it came back with a vengeance. I welcome every symptom. It means my body is still producing hormones, and that is a good thing.

I'm trying to be more optimistic, as I think it will help me mentally. I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant now, Sunday will be 8 weeks, climbing ever closer to that oh so lovely 12 week mark. If I make it that far, that is when I will make the official announcement here at work. That is when I'll try to relax a little.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Don't Think About Elephants

You know how if someone says "Don't think about elephants?" You HAVE to, at least for a millisecond, think about elephants. I'm more or less doing this on a second by second basis. Don't think about whether you'll miscarry. I think about it. Next Second-- same thing. You get the picture.

I would swear my boobs aren't as tender, and that makes me nervous. It could be that I'm just getting used to it, but then again... sigh. We go for another ultrasound on Monday, the 24th. I wake up every day, counting down how many more days. I pray that everything is going great. Of course, if it is, then I have to wait a month until I see him again, but I would like to have that opportunity. I have noticed an incredible fatigue this week, more so than I've had in the past. I'm hoping that is a good sign, that my body is working very hard to build this human. I hate to admit that I do, from time to time, think of the Bob the Builder motto: "Can I build it? Yes I can!" (Yes, I changed the "we" to "I", for obvious reasons). I have hidden my pregnancy book, and haven't looked at the ultrasound picture since Tuesday. I won't, until/unless I have another healthy one to go with it. Even then, I'm not going to allow myself to get too attached, which is sad. I wish I could be confident that everything is going to go perfectly, and in 8 months I'll have a perfect baby. But, for some reason, I just can't buy into that. Not after that first appointment.

I've wondered if I'll ever reach a point in this where I'll feel a little more relaxed. And I really don't know if I will. I keep thinking that if I can make it to 12 weeks, I'll feel a bit better. Of course, that is when all of the deformity testing is done, which will bring on a whole set of new worries. I just hope we get the chance to worry about them,if this pregnancy makes it that long.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A Small, Probably Temporary, Miracle

So, I go to the appointment yesterday. I managed not to cry much before we went. We didn't even talk about it on the drive there. We just laughed at stupid stuff, talked about going to Dairy Queen after the appointment, just normal stuff.

So, we get there, I check in, and the nurse comes to get us. We go to the SAME examination room. Really, at this point, we have both faced reality and realize what has to happen. The nurse asks me what's going on, I tell her the story. I change and we wait for the doctor.

The doctor comes in, and the first thing he says is, "I wish I could say I'm excited about your numbers, but I'm not". I replied by saying yes, I knew they weren't good. He talked to us about our miscarriage options, and I begin to tear up a bit, but I managed to stay away from full on sobbing. He told me I was holding up well, under the circumstances. I told him it was just because all of my fluids had been cried out over the weekend. We told him we wanted to try the medication induced miscarriage (at home), and he offered to do it that day. I told him I'd have to wait until the weekend. He said okay, and he wanted to do one more sonogram just to confirm the numbers.

I assumed the position, and he moved the monitor over so we could see it. I didn't even lift my head, I didn't want to see it. And then, probably not 30 seconds into it, he says, "I have to take back everything I just said." Me: "Why?" Him:"There's the heartbeat." My head popped up. What? Last week there was nothing. He showed us all around my uterus, measured the embryo, said I was 6 weeks, 1 day along. He was quite surprised as well. "What about my numbers?" I asked. He said he wasn't concerned at this point, that after the fetal heartbeat is detected, they go by the ultrasound, not the numbers.

The last person that saw me, a Nurse Practitioner, evidently paid no attention to me when I said I took a pg test on 6/11 and it was negative. She was thinking I was 11 weeks instead of 5. I wonder how many years she took off of our lives. At this point I don't care, since, at least today, the embryo is alive and well. I have another appointment on Monday 7/24 for another ultrasound. I pray that that little heart is still beating, and at a normal rate. Unfortunately, as the doctor said, really at this point there is nothing anyone can do, if it is going to miscarry, it will. If it isn't, it won't.

So, while I am wildly surprised and overjoyed at this, we are both trying desperately to hold on to our guard. We want to expect devastating news at each appointment. The last one was so awful because we weren't expecting it. But, for just a few moments, we let ourselves be happy. And we did go to the Dairy Queen afterwards.

I am trying to just relax and realize that whatever happens, happens. I have absolutely no control over it.

Monday, July 17, 2006

hCG blues

Well, I called to get the results of the test on Saturday morning. Not very good. Went from 7527 to 8832, only about 1200 up, it should've been like 3500 up. So, I have an appointment today, probably to talk about my "options". That means to discuss the various ways to abort a dead not-even-an-embryo. It is amazing how such joy can turn into such amazing, sharp, desperate, hideous pain. My husband lost his Dad when he was 9, his mother died probably 13 years ago. He has dealt with a lot in his life. I feel so immensely guilty for adding one more horrible event to it. He keeps saying he wanted this too, but I know that if I had not brought this whole stupid thing up, we would've just bumped along without going through this hell.

I did tell my boss this morning about what is going on, why I'm having to go to the doctor twice a week, etc. Although, after today, I bet that stops. Just one more appointment after that, to get it out of my body. What a fucking disappointment. I am so, so angry right now. And I generally don't get the long term, smoldering anger, usually I'm the explosive, done and over type. But this time, I am bitter. I really want to punch every pregnant woman I see. If I hear one more person tell me how many people have miscarriages, and how "I can try again". I'm going to explode. I have almost successfully convinced myself that I really don't want a child anyway, it would be a huge burden, and an incredible pull on my time. Life was good the way it was before... before this hellish nightmare began. I was able to stay somewhat upbeat for 8 months while we tried.... but I'm out of upbeat. All that is left is despair, and bitter, bitter anger.

Friday, July 14, 2006


So, I'm waiting on Monday. I go today to get my 2nd blood draw. This sucks not knowing. If I'm going to miscarry, it would be good to at least know that and get it over with, instead of constantly switching from clinging to hope, then losing it all the next second. This is driving me crazy. In the literal sense. I cannot take much more. I keep picturing the doctor saying "Your hcg levels look great, and they are rising as they should." Then, of course, he would do an ultrasound, and viola! there's the fetus. But then, the next minute, I picture him saying "I'm sorry, but the levels are declining. This pregnancy is going to fail." I don't know which I should hope for. I don't want to think positively, then be punched in the stomach like last time. I think I am going to ask the lab person when the results from my last test will be ready, and when these will be ready. I think I have an idea of what they should be, and if I can cut down on the waiting, that would help a lot. I just can't stand not knowing. A part of me has already given up. And a part of me is so angry that I can't deal with anyone right now. It takes a major amount of strength just to smile and act as if I don't want to strangle the person on the other side of my desk.

Of course, after the NP told me the pregnancy wasn't good, and sent me down for lab work, a woman with a newborn baby comes up right behind me. It took everything I had not to burst into tears right there, but I did once I got into the lab. Luckily, a box of kleenex was right there. Right now, I feel that if this pregnancy fails, I don't want to try again. I don't think I can go through this anymore. I know this happens to everyone, but right now I feel completely alone and VERY pissed off. I would swear my boobs are less sore, and I'm not going to the bathroom as often, but the symptoms didn't start until a day or two after my positive pg test, they haven't lasted any longer, so it makes me believe there is definitely a chance that I have NOT been pregnant for 11 weeks. I guess I'll have to wait until Monday to know for sure.

And, of course, two people we barely know (I've met them once) have asked if they can stay with us this weekend, on their way up to Breckenridge. At the time, I didn't mind, but now it just feels like a HUGE invasion of our privacy. I don't know how I'm going to work on Monday, just waiting and waiting... I may have to call in sick, and try to work from home.
Now, I'm going to try to get to work, and focus on something else, if I can.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Bad news

Well, we went to the appointment yesterday, I told her about my LMP being 4/26, but negative test on 6/11, etc. She said "well, we'll start with your LMP and go from there." She then gave me an exam, and then started the intravaginal ultrasound. My bladder was too full, so we had to stop, then I went to the bathroom and came back. At that point, I was kind of wondering if something wasn't right, but tried to put my mind at ease. She started again, and turned the machine around, and said , "there is the yolk sac, but I don't see anything else. I don't think this is a good pregnancy." For a second, I thought I was having a bad dream. We both just kind of said "okay". A minute later, she showed us the printed picture, and it dated me at 4.5 weeks pregnant, rather than the 10 weeks based on LMP. She showed it to us and said, "this doesn't look like it should." AT that point, I was completely emotionally gone. I asked what would happen now, and she explained that they could induce a miscarriage, and everything that was involved in that process. Then, she asked me again when my last negative pregnancy test was done, I told her Jun 11, my positive was July 1. I didn't do any in between. She starts turning a wheel, and writing things down, and says, "Why don't we check your hcg levels, just in case?" So I had blood drawn, and then I go back tomorrow, and then on Monday, they can tell me if they are rising as they should, or if they are not, and I need to terminate the pregnancy, because it isn't viable.

My husband is the most incredible man out there. He was incredibly supportive, we both cried, and he was so careful to make sure I knew that I didn't cause this. After I called my Mom, got home, and quit crying, I went upstairs and did a search on the Internet. At 4.5 weeks, all you should see is a yolk sac. You shouldn't see anything else until 5 or 5.5 weeks, maybe 6. I think what she was concerned about is that if I am truly 10 weeks pregnant, that the pregnancy did not proceed past 4.5 weeks, and a miscarriage is impending. But I think that 4.5 weeks (gestational age) is entirely possible, given my negative test on 6/11. I guess I can't do anything but wait and see, but I sure don't feel like working right now. I don't feel like having to be nice to people. And I sure don't care if my deadline gets met or not.

I dreamed last night I had a miscarriage. It was so real when I woke up I thought it had actually happened for a second. I was having cramps, but I do have them a lot, woke up, walked it off, and went back to sleep. I'm having some now, as well. I'm trying so hard to keep from going from optimism to pessism, but it is hard. I guess Monday will get here eventually. I just have to prepare myself for the news that my pregnancy is not progressing. It is amazing that something I've known about for a week and a half has so much impact on me. I had started to replan my whole life. I guess I'll know better than to do that again, won't I?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Doctor's appointment today

Okay, if you had some doubt of how neurotic I am (and why would you?). I actually had test anxiety about failing the pregnancy test at the doctor. I took another one just to make sure I would get a positive result! How funny is that! I have my first appointment today, I'm hoping we can get a better guess of how far along I am. Of course, I want to know EVERYTHING right now, I want to do an ultrasound, tell me my baby is free from defects, and that everything is perfect. Unfortunately, I know that is impossible. I think I'm going to learn a lot of patience throughout this process.
Why is it when people find out your pregnant, they tell you these atrocious stories of something that happened to their friend's friend, like the umbilical cord choking the baby, etc. I don't want to know this, HELLO! I don't need anything else to worry about!!
I rode Charlie last night, just a short ride, but it was awesome. I tried to start him on a nice slow trot, which he did for 2 steps, and then broke out into a canter. I didn't mind, it felt so good. I'm able to turn him and go back the length of the polo field(quite long) as well, so he can now run two lengths without coughing, I don't know if he could go more, as I let him rest for a minute after doing two. That is incredible, considering for the last year, he's had no ability to run at all without coughing. It does my heart good. He just seems to be doing really well. His hooves are growing in nicely, no more splitting and chipping, no more stumbling. It is amazing how terrible the farriers in Tennessee were. I told them they were doing his hooves too flat, he had no heel, but of course, they just laughed at the stupid little woman... bastards!! I'm so glad to be back in CO and able to take care him the way he deserves to be taken care of...I just hope I can do the same for my baby.

Hopefully I'll have something good to report from today's appointment. It would be cool if I were 8 weeks along, I really don't think I'm 10, as the first day of my last period would indicate, only because I took my pg test around Jun 11 and it was negative. I guess we'll see!

Monday, July 10, 2006

My intestines hate me

Well, I'm still pregnant, and it is really interesting the way my body is reacting! It seems that every time I eat, I get intestinal cramping, not productive ones, but just the cramps. But, if I don't eat, I feel as if I'm going to faint. So, I just keep eating, and endure the pain. Somewhere, someone is laughing! If I can have a healthy baby, it is all worth it.
I told my Mom on Friday, and I have to say it was the cutest. She was so excited, she said "I have to move around, I can't sit still" . We have a sort of love hate relationship, but at that moment, I couldn't have loved her more. It is pretty sappy, but it was really special to tell her, and then she told me stories of when she was pregnant with me, and suddenly you have something BIG in common. You've both created life. And suddenly I have a bit more empathy with her, as I contemplate raising a child, and the struggles she had to go through. I love my Dad, but he was not the most supportive, loving husband back then. He is much better now, but he is married to someone else, which is probably the reason why! At any rate, it really tickled me to tell her. When I got her on the phone, here is how it went:
Me: "So, how does it feel?"
Mom: "How does WHAT feel?"
Me: "How does it feel to know that you are going to be a grandmother?"
Mom: "You're putting me on"
Mom: "No, are you serious?"
Mom: "Oh MY GOD!! I have to move around I'm so happy!"
Mom: "I've got to make a list of people to call."
Mom: "You're serious, right?"
Me (laughing hysterically): "Yes I am serious!"

It was great.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Back to Sanity (almost)

Wow! I just read my last post, and boy, the hormones must've been swarming. I feel much calmer now, Kaiser did actually call that day, and the lady was so nice and congratulatory. I asked her some questions, and she made me feel much better about everything. Also, just to be absolutely sure, I took another test on Tuesday, and it was a definite POSITIVE. For some reason, that set my mind at ease. I'm still having cramps off and on, but it seems that if I eat, they go away...
On Tuesday night, my husband took me out to the golf course where he works, I LOVE going out there, he takes me on a tour in a golf cart, and it is such a beautiful course. I really enjoyed it, until the end, when I was hit REALLY hard by cramps, and then I thought I was going to faint and/or throw up. I was kind of freaked out, my husband ROCKS, he was so patient and kind with me, I just started walking, and it seemed to eventually help. He mentioned that it had been six hours since we had eaten! Neither of us realized it, and to be honest, I really didn't feel that hungry! But we ate, and the cramps went away, and I felt fine after that. So, note to self: whether I feel hungry or not, eat more regularly.
I am absolutely dying to tell people, but I kind of want to wait until the three month mark, when my miscarriage risk goes down. But I REALLY want to tell my Mom, so I may wait until we go to the doctor on the 12th, and then give her a call. I can't call her until then, because I can't keep it a secret if I talk to her. I'm also anxious to find out how far along I am. I haven't had a period since 4/26 -- but I took a test around 6/11, and it was negative. I didn't take another one in a week, as I was frustrated, and didn't want to have to be disappointed again. So, I don't know if we conceived some time mid May, which would put me at 8 weeks! I'm hoping the doctor will be able to have a better idea.
Sorry for all of the pregnancy stuff, but I am just so excited. I go between bouts of intense worry that something will go wrong, to intense joy. I guess either feeling could be justified, and time will only tell.
I've ridden my horse a few times, and it is hard to get over thinking "don't fall, don't fall" all the time, even though I haven't fallen in almost two years. He totally feels my nervousness, and tests me, and once I set him straight, he calms down and so do I. He really is such a safe horse, otherwise, I wouldn't attempt riding him. I know women that have ridden up until they are 7 months, I don't think my nerves can take that! I'm figuring probably 4th or 5th month, and then Charlie gets a rest!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Roller Coaster

Well, I still haven't had my period. It is now over 2 months overdue. I decided to take one last pregnancy test. And, it was positive! I was so incredibly overjoyed. I called my husband about a zillion times, he finally called me back, and we cried together. It was wonderful. I was just beside myself. Now, the anxiety is beginning to set in. I was thinking that if I could just make it until I could get a doctor's appointment, to confirm everything looked ok, then I would be fine. But I call Kaiser, the shittiest health insurer in the world, and they won't let you make an appointment. You have to call a main number, and they'll send a message to someone, and they will hopefully call back within 2 business days, which is 3 more days for me, since the fucking fourth of July is tomorrow. I can't believe I have to wait 3 days until I can even schedule an appointment. Work is so busy right now, I don't know how I'm going to get away to even go to an appointment. I hate Kaiser right now. And I hate that I'm paying 438 dollars a month for the privilege of being talked down to by a cold, unfeeling customer service rep who could care less how worried I am about being pregnant, 35, and possibly 8 weeks along. And I am having cramps. I asked her if there was someone I could talk to, since the recording says this is the OB/GYN counseling line, and she says "I can add it to the message". Gee, thanks, maybe I'll send a letter to Santa Claus at the North Pole, I bet I get an answer sooner. It is amazing how quickly I went from euphoria to incredible anxiety. And they don't even care!
I went to get car tags today, had to go back to the emissions place, went through all of that, and still kept my cool, until I talked to Kaiser. If I don't hear from them by the end of today, I'm going to Planned Parenthood on Wednesday. It'll cost me less, and hey, they actually sounded as if they wanted to help. Amazing.