Shut Down by THE MAN

I was at work, and went to do my daily browse of blogs, and suddenly, anything blogspot is blocked. So, this means I actually have to find time to browse the web on my own time! What kind of world is it where I can't get paid to browse the web for my own personal enjoyment?
Christmas is sort of like nearing the end of pregnancy. It is coming, whether I'm ready or not. And I, most assuredly am not! I ordered a couple of things and none of them are going to be here on time. We just moved to Chattanooga, and we are in an old, old neighborhood, I think it was established in 1870 or something. At any rate, the mail carrier will NOT deliver mail unless we put up a mailbox at the end of our two foot driveway. Since we are renting, we can't really do this, so we got a PO box. That is good unless UPS is delivering, then you have to give them the physical address. Guess what? One shipper decided to send USPS (despite the fact that they said they were using UPS), so they won't deliver to my physical address. There is a forwarding order, which means it will be weeks until I see this gift. Arrrgggghhh. Merry Christmas, and all that. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, I know.

Husband is getting more okay with staying home with S. He is doing a great job with him, and I know it must be so hard to be isolated most of the time. S is apparently huge, being 15lbs and 26 inches at 4 months. The doctor seemed to think so, anyway. He is healthy, really starting to chug down the rice cereal, and is such a HAPPY boy. We cannot wait for Christmas! We got an exersaucer last night, the real fun begins when we have to put it together. I wish so much that I owned a video camera so that I could've taped the Assembly of the High Chair. There is always the obligatory "I'm going to throw this thing out of the window" even though we both know that it won't happen. My favorite part is afterwards, when he says "that wasn't very hard!" I'm laughing now just thinking of it.

We are really liking Chattanooga, it is a neat town. And I love the fact that I'm sitting here typing this listening to birds singing outside. The high is like 60 today. I think it is snowing in Denver. I really, really don't like the cold!

I have to brave Christmas shopping today, as two gifts won't be here, and we can't find our stockings or tree skirt. I get to spend the day alone with Spud as Husband is shopping too. I love it, I get to hog him all to myself. All the snuggles, giggles, and raspberries are directed at ME and me alone!

Also, I actually got a comment. I was thinking of bronzing it, as it will probably be the only one I ever get!

Another Adventure

And so we embark on another adventure...
We're moving back to Chattanooga. The movers come Monday, I fly out with Munchkin on the 31st (Happy Halloween!). H is driving out with the dogs and the cat, bless his heart. I'm going back to work for the same company I worked for before, but in a different department. I'll be making as much money as I am here, plus the boost from having no state income tax.
We found a beautiful, 100 year old house, and I can't wait to move in. It is in sort of a dicey neighborhood, but every house on our street has been redone, so hopefully it won't be too bad where we are. It is an incredible house, really my dream house.
My last day here at work is Tues, the 30th. I'm trying to get as much money as possible on my last paycheck. I hate moving so much, and we don't really have much money, so it is kind of hard. But I think it will be worth it. It has already snowed here, and I say Bleeccchhhh! Plus, I want the Munchkin to be closer to his grandparents-- they certainly make a fuss over him.

Sleep, wonderful sleep!

Sam slept from 9:30 until 4:00 this morning, straight through. It scared me a little when I woke up, but he was fine. He drank down 5 oz of formula, snuggled for a little bit, then I laid him back down. When I left at 7:30, he still hadn't wakened. I think he is okay, just changing his schedule up a bit. It was wonderful to have had that much sleep last night!
I think we are going to move to Chattanooga again. We flew out last Sunday to interview with BCBST with the same lady I used to work for. They called yesterday morning to make me an offer, for 63K. I just got a raise here up to 63 K! So, if it works out, it will be a good thing. There is no state income tax in TN, so automatically that is a 3% raise right there. Also, they will pay for someone to come out and pack up our house, and move us, and unpack at the new house. Much easier to move that way with a baby!
While we were there, Sam got to meet my mother and Mike's stepdad and aunt. Seeing their reactions really made us feel that moving closer would be beneficial for everyone -- Sam would be closer to his family, to be spoiled rotten as he deserves to be! We would have a support system, not that we would drop him off to be babysat every week, but it is nice to know that there are people around in case we need them.
Sam goes for his 8 week appointment next Tuesday, he gets his first set of shots :(. I know he has to have them, I just feel so bad when he cries!
He is changing so much, he smiles at you a lot, makes cooing noises, can turn his head back and forth -- Mike and I were lying on the bed with Sam between us, and we were talking back and forth over him, and he would turn his head to whichever side was talking. I've never seen him do this before, and he must have really strong neck muscles! Also, if you lean him forward on his belly, like to burp him, he can lift and hold his head up at about a 90 degree angle. He can hold it there for quite some time. When you feed him, if you talk to him, ask him questions, he'll make noises at you while he is eating, it totally sounds like he is responding to your question. He can sort of reach out for things, but he doesn't have great control over his hands yet, he just kind of thrusts his arm out there.

What a long strange trip

Today marks a year ago that I had a D&E. I thought of that as I was feeding my healthy, perfect 6 and a half week old boy this morning. I am so grateful that I am almost moved to tears each time I think about it.

Samuel Ross was born 8/14/07 at 2:23am. We went to a doctor's appointment on Monday, 8/13, and she ruptured my membranes, and then said she wanted to do a non stress test just as a formality because I had had high blood pressures in the last week. We thought nothing of it, and went into the room, which was now quite familiar to me. Sam didn't move around much, but he had been earlier that morning, so I didn't really worry about it. I was just waiting to be allowed to go. They came in and checked the readout several times, and then a lady with an ultrasound machine came in, and said she was going to check my amniotic fluid levels. We were joking about how I was ready to have this baby, so she'd better find bad results! About halfway through the reading, she said "I think you are going to get your wish!" We were stunned. No real danger to the baby, he just needed to come out sooner rather than later. My husband drove me to the hospital across the street, where they checked me in, and then he left to go take the dogs to the kennel, and finish packing my bag. I think I checked in about 11:00 am. I was changed into a gown, and a resident came in to check my amniotic fluid levels again. He agreed that they were low, and that we should induce. Everyone left, and I called my family to let them know that I was going to be induced soon. I turned on the TV, and my favorite movie, "Easy Rider", was on, which rocked! I thought about how I would tell Sam about all of this some day. I couldn't believe that I was going to meet him soon, and of course, I was contemplating what that would mean exactly. Our lives were never going to be the same, and I couldn't wait. They came in about 1pm and inserted miso~~ something to get me dilating. They told me they would check my cervix in 4 hours to see how dilated I was. I didn't really feel much, Mike came back with my bag, and we watched tv for a while. We were too excited to sleep. A doctor came in and explained the process to me, and felt my belly to see if he could determine how big the baby would be. I was starving at this point, I had eaten a bagel at about 7 that morning. They wouldn't let me eat anything but popsicles, and they brought me a grape one, it was the best popsicle I had ever had!
After 4 hours, (about 5pm), they checked my cervix, and it had dilated to 3 cm. This was good, but not really a lot of progress, although she said it was very, very soft, which was a good sign. They inserted another. About 30 minutes later, contractions started. They started out not too bad, but then progressed quickly to very painful, with less than a minute between them. I stuck it out for 4 hours, and then they asked if I was ready for an epidural, as my blood pressure was spiking because of the pain. I was about 5 cm then.
The anestesiologist(sic) came in, explained the epidural to me, and had me lean over the side of the bed. The contractions were coming so hard and strong, I had one while he was inserting the needle, and had to be still. I was using the breathing exercises I learned in the childbirth classes, and they really worked. I couldn't have done it without them. Mike was great also, wiping a wet washcloth on my head and neck during contractions. At any rate, the epidural kicked in right away, and the pain was gone, thank God! However, my blood pressure plummetted. Mike said he looked at the screen, and it said 10 over 24. They started scurrying around, and I heard one of the doctors say "Get the anestheiologist STAT!" I remember thinking that sounded like something I had heard on MASH. He came rushing in, and they gave me an ephedrine shot to get me going again. I heard her tell him that my bp wasn't coming up. He stood on the other side of the bed, talking to me, telling me about health care in Africa, about how they have doctors there that take a course for 6 weeks, and then travel around the region. I think he was trying to distract me, and see if I was dying at the same time. Mike had left the room, he was so scared. My bp did start to come up gradually, the doctor stayed in there for quite a while afterwards to keep an eye on me. They gave me oxygen. They gave me a shot to stop my contractions, because they were coming so hard and fast, but the shot didn't work. They were concerned about the baby, and attached an internal monitor to his head, and one to the inside of my uterus, to try and track how hard the contractions were.
They started coming in every 30 minutes or so to have me turn to the other side. I needed their help, because I couldn't feel my legs, due to the epidural. It was kind of a pain. I asked them why they kept turning me, and they said it was to "keep the baby happy". The doctor explained to me that the contractions were coming so fast that he didn't have time to recover between them, and that they were monitoring him to see how his heart rate was doing. I said, "if we need to do a c section, that is fine with me, his well being is the important thing". She said that it was definitely a possibility, but they wanted to monitor him for a bit more. Finally, at 1:30am, she came in and said "the baby is sporadically okay, and sporadically not okay, I would feel better if we just went ahead and got him out". We said okay, when? And she said, "Now". They brought scrubs for Mike. She said there was another lady down the hall that was going to need a c section, and they wanted to get me in first, so they wheeled me out before Mike was even changed. His blood sugar was going low, so he was trying to eat something. I kept asking him to bring my glasses with him, which he did.
They wheeled me into an operating room, lifted me onto the table, and there was a place to lay my arms out. I was shaking like crazy, and kind of in a dream like state. There was a curtain in front of my face, and the anesthesiologist was to my right. Mike came in, I was so glad to see him. He stood to my left. They worked for a while, we just kept saying how we couldn't wait to meet him. Finally, I heard a lady say "I know, you are going to be angry at me for pulling you out here, I see that face." And I knew that we were getting ready to see him. Mike said, "I just saw a hand just above the curtain!" Also, I knew he must be okay, because she was talking about him making facial expressions. Just a little bit later, we heard him cry. We both cried when we heard it. Then, they held him in front of the curtain so we could see him. That was the most wondrous moment in my entire life. Mike went over to where they were weighing him and assessing him, and he took pictures. After they were done, he carried Sam back up to my head to show him to me. The anestheiolgist took a picture of him lying right by my face.
They closed me up, and took us to a recovery room. As the epidural wore off, I was finally allowed to hold my son, and look into his eyes. Wow. Words cannot do that moment justice. We tried breastfeeding, neither of us really knew what was going on, but it was nice to feel him nuzzle. They then wheeled me down to a hospital room. We arrived there about 5 am.

They wheeled the bassinet in right behind us, and I remember thinking, Wait! don't leave him with us, we don't know what we're doing! He slept a while, and we did too. The lactation consultant came in and he had just woken up, and was crying. We told her we didn't know what to do, and she said "did you check his diaper?" We hadn't even thought of that! She checked it, it was dirty, and Mike changed his first diaper!

Sam is now 7 weeks old, I can't believe how the time flew. I wish like everything that I could stay home with him, but Mike is going to, and I am now back to work full time. It is hard to adjust to seeing him for only a few hours a day, and it is hard to be at work when I'm up every night with him, but it is well worth it. He usually eats around 11 or midnight, then wakes up again around 2, then not until 6. So, he doesn't really get up that often, and hopefully when he reaches 3 months, it might be even less often.

Home Stretch

Well, I'm officially 2 and a half weeks from my due date. How the heck did that happen? I can't, just can't believe it, and I am so incredibly grateful. I do have some anxiety about things going wrong, but as we speak, the little bugger is squirming around in there, so that makes me feel more confident. I think yesterday was the first day that I really felt like "okay, I'm ready to be done with being pregnant". My feet are swollen, my hands are swollen (when I bend my fingers, it hurts), and I am so, incredibly TIRED. I worry about how we are going to deal with a new baby and the puppy, I worry about how we are going to afford to take care of aforementioned baby, and if I will EVER get any energy back! My friend had her baby, and now my friend's sister is being induced as we speak. It is amazing, like we are graduating or something.

I've had several people (one man, even) tell me that my belly looks a lot lower than it has, hopefully this means the kiddo has dropped, and will be on his way shortly. I am so ready to meet him. We both are.

Husband is really sick right now, throwing up every 30 minutes or so, which is scary for anyone, much less a diabetic -- so I'm going home shortly to keep an eye on him (or, as we say in the biz, "take a nap"). I think I'm going to push for half days starting next week, as I'm getting so sleepy my head is nodding at stop lights on the way home.

I had a dismal phone interview today. I didn't really have any time to prepare, as H was sick, and I had to wrangle the puppy all morning (who, incidentally woke up at 4:45 this morning). So, I pretty much bombed it. H had a great interview with a company that would require us to move to Steamboat Springs, which would be pretty awesome. We'll see if it works out or not. I told H that if they bring him to Steamboat for an interview, that will, in no doubt, be the day that I go into labor. What a fun interview that would be!

color me embarrassed

So, about five minutes after that last post, this lady I work with came in and told me they were going to have a shower for me. Boy, did I feel bad. No one here even knows I have a blog, so I know they didn't see my post, but talk about timing! They are giving me one this Thursday, which is very nice, and there is cake from my favorite bakery and everything!

We had company AGAIN last week, my husband's cousin, wife and two kids. It wasn't as bad as it could've been, but I think the problem is that I'm almost 9 months pregnant, and I just don't feel like dealing with extra people in my house. They were very good guests, and the kids were well behaved, but I am still just exhausted. And we had to go to a baseball game on Friday night, which was horrible. I had been up since 4:45 that morning, and I was so tired. Of course, when there was only one out to go, somebody hits a home run, and the game goes into extra innings. I was so pissed and tired, and at this point it was about midnight. I got the keys to the truck and walked back and laid back in the seat. I think I'm still recovering from the lack of sleep that night. I am so tired, my head is nodding as I'm typing this. The cool thing was that they brought me their breast pump, which will save us about 320 dollars! yea!

Need to Vent

Over the years, I bet I've spent a couple of thousand dollars on shower gifts, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. I don't have very many close girl friends, so I really didn't expect a shower from friends. Two girls gave me a mini shower, completely by surprise, and it was so nice of them! Here at work, no one is doing anything. I can't believe it. I actually spearheaded a collection for a girl that started working here two months before her due date, I asked about giving her a shower, and no one wanted to give her one because she had just started. So I collected money, got her a cake, and gave her a Visa gift card. I didn't do it so that everyone would do the same for me, but come on! I've worked her over two years, and not a peep about a shower for me. I'm trying not to let it piss me off, but I'm beginning to get angry about it. I just attended a bridal shower for a 50 + year old woman (who has lived on her own for years), joined in like a good girl and bought her a gift. I can't believe that the people here are that uncaring. It just makes me feel angry and hurt. I was putting off buying certain things because I thought, that would be a good shower gift, not too expensive -- but now I have to buy those things because I'm getting closer and closer to my due date. I don't know how I'm going to not let it show that I'm really ticked off at this point. I can't believe how much I have supported these people and contributed to their kids' sales. You can believe all that will stop now, just let them ask, and my answer is going to be, Where was your support? Fuck off!

I'm not bitter...

All's quiet on the hormone front

Things were a little smoother yesterday. I don't think I cried once. Husband was very good, puppy was very good. We took the puppy to the barn last night, where I was actually ABLE TO GO GET THE HORSE MYSELF. What a huge step! My foot was crammed into a sneaker, but I was able to walk on it and felt comfortable going into the pasture myself. Yea! Husband walked the puppy around, which was great for both of them.

I don't think I ate enough yesterday, because about 7, I was sooo tired. To the point of almost collapsing. So today, I'm going to make sure I eat enough, I'm just finishing off my blueberry yogurt (yummm!). We are completely broke this week, so if I eat out, it has to be cheap, mostly Wendy's value menu, but I can get some good stuff, baked potato, caesar salad, etc. Which is good, not too bad for me, and very filling.

Why does my mother, after talking to me for like an hour about the same exact stuff we ALWAYS talk about, when I end the conversation say, "call me again this week, okay?" We don't have anything to talk about anyway, why the heck does she want me to call AGAIN? I usually just say I will, and then don't. It seems to work, so why mess with it?

We got our Widespread Panic tickets for Red Rocks! We are only going to the Sunday show, I don't think I'll survive any more than that, but I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't seen them in a year, the last one was the shows at the Fox last May (2006). I hate to say it, but they weren't great shows. It wasn't long after that George left them, and you could tell that they just weren't together. At any rate, it will be good to see them with Jimmy playing guitar.

Work is beginning to drive me crazy. I really want to start working from home every week, just as my coworker does. Every time I bring this up, I get some hemming and hawing. I think I'm just going to start doing it, and let him deal with it. He's lucky I'm still here, as I see it. It would just be nice to not have to drive in 5 days a week, especially with gas prices. Plus, I'm getting more and more tired, and that would help me get a nap in.

Monday will be 8 months(32 weeks)!! Whew Hoo!! 8 weeks to go!

Emotions are taking over

I'm sure it must be hormonal, but everything seems to be such a big deal right now. Husband and I are arguing it seems like every day, usually about the puppy. He'll do something bad, and H will just blow up (it seems excessively so, to me), and I immediately start crying. Sunday was our 18th anniversary, and we did absolutely nothing, and ended the day by me crying and him blowing up. Maybe the stress of everything is starting to get to him. We are having terrible financial problems, and he is leaving his job, which doesn't make enough to help anyway, to focus more on the real estate career. I know that will take a while to build up, and we have no savings at all. So, it is all pretty scary. I think that is wearing on us both, especially with a baby on the way. I'm just tired of arguing all the time. Yesterday we had a long talk about it, and we are both going to try to do better. The puppy can be so cute sometimes, but he is also a source of stress, and we need to learn to deal with him better. And with the hormones, I can completely convince myself that H is doing nothing to help me, which, even when I'm rational, is somewhat true. It seems that all he wants to do is come home and sit on the couch and watch TV, and if anything comes in between him and the couch, there'll be hell to pay. Hopefully once he gets out of this job, maybe he'll become a little more active, and therefore less stressed, and therefore less likely to blow up like a land mine.

My foot/toe is much better, I'm in a Birkenstock now, but still can't fit into a regular shoe, possibly just because I'm pregnant. I hate crocs so much, but now I may buy a pair so that my toe is at least protected somewhat. I'm so close to being able to walk on it, it is very exciting. I'm so tired of hobbling all the time! Both of my feet and ankles are starting to swell, so I'm keeping them up at work, and any time I'm not on them. And the heartburn is REALLY kicking up-- bleeeccch. But, the good part is that I can feel him moving around most of the time now, I love it. And I love being pregnant, love seeing how huge I am. I'm so grateful for him, and I hope I don't lose that at all.

We start our childbirth classes next Monday the 18th, very exciting! I can't believe I have just under 9 weeks to go -- time flies huh?

almost 30 weeks!!

I honestly cannot believe that Monday will be 30 weeks that I've been pregnant. It doesn't seem possible that I'll only have ten weeks to go. Lots has happened since my last post:
1)I broke my toe
2)We were going to move to TN, then changed our minds
3)We bought a crib!

Broken toe: Charlie(horse) broke it. I was picking his hoof, and I can't really get bent over enough to get a good hold of them anymore, and he was stomping at flies. So, he stomped right out of my hand, and landed right on my foot. Ouch! My big toe is broken in two places, the toenail was out and mangled the toe, so they sutured me up. I got them out yesterday. Hobbling around is not fun, but the foot is getting stronger, and hopefully I only have two more weeks to go. I can't wait to get my foot back! I was just starting to walk the puppy at night, that had to end, but hopefully not for long. The really bad part was that Mike was out of town, so I had to drive myself to after hours care, and then drive back home, and deal with the puppy by myself. I was really glad when he got home!

Move to TN: My Dad offered to let us live in his house, rent free for a while, starting in June. I mentioned this to an old coworker, and my old boss contacted me and set up a three month contract until the baby is born to work in Chattanooga again, at my old job. It was making a fortune, too. We were all in until Mike went to visit, and made the drive (75 miles one way), and saw my Dad's house. I knew it was small, but he said it was pretty nasty (like rat droppings on the kitchen counter), and really, really old carpet. That in conjunction with a 150 mile a day commute, and the fact that I would've had to drive 2 and a half hours to the hospital/doctor, just really made it seem not worth it. So, we decided to stay here until after the baby is born, and maybe try to move in October. We'll see. It is nice and warm here now, so we are enjoying being here, and it is nice not to have to worry about moving on top of a new baby and a broken toe! It is a bummer though, because I was really ready to be done with this job. I've been programming for 11 years now, and they have decided that I'm going to be the help desk contact for a new application they are implementing. I'm not happy about this. I don't enjoy working with users, especially those that are INCREDIBLY non technical, and have a big chip on their shoulder. Like it is my fault that they have to use it. ~sigh~

Crib: We finally bought a crib, Husband has been pretty superstitious about it, but when I informed him that I only have 11 weeks to go, he became more motivated.

My Dad and stepmom are coming out Monday, there are volunteering at Rocky Mountain National Park this summer, so they are going to stop in to get acclimated to the altitude before they go up there. They are easy houseguests; but I always stress out, especially with the puppy around. He is really getting out of control, so I got a training book, and I'm trying to train him, but certain things I definitely need two feet for, so it is kind of halted for a couple of weeks. He's pretty good most of the time, but he gets these moments where he just wants to nip you over and over and over again, and if you are sitting on the couch, it is so maddening! I'm hoping the training will help him start respecting our space a bit more.

I am so sleepy, the older dog got up at 4:40 am, and I am just beat! I'm going to try to sneak in a nap now, if I can get comfortable enough to do it.

21 Weeks

21 weeks as of today. I'm starting to seriously shop for cribs and bedding. And I really want a camcorder, so we can show the kiddo what we were like before he came along. Most days, I have enough energy, some days I'm tired, but overall, I'm functioning fairly normally. I do feel some movement, just a little blip here and there, and then nothing for a long while. Mostly at night when I'm still for a while, I'll feel it.

Thank God the vet said the pup should be fine to sleep all night, and he is! He sleeps from about 9 or 9:30 until 5:45 or 6:00, and it is absolutely the most wonderful thing. When I started getting that much uninterrupted sleep, my energy level went WAY up. Aaaahh....

We really, really want to move back to the South. I miss it so much each day. I've looked for other jobs, and pretty much when they find out I'm pregnant, they don't want anything else to do with me. So, I think I'm going to stick it out here, have the baby, and then move after a couple of months. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find a job pretty quickly once I'm there, and we can live in my Dad's house for a couple of months rent free. That is a pretty big step, but we really are tired of being here. I'm tired of fighting bill collectors constantly, we can't afford our house, etc. It is just time to try to sell the house and move on.

Still Truckin'

Monday, I'll be 19 weeks along. 19 weeks ?! I really can't believe that I get to type that. Wow. I'm in maternity pants now, I'm not sure anyone else can tell, but I can certainly tell that I'm pregnant when looking in the mirror. I'm still tired sometimes, but I have more energetic days than not. I am warm most of the time. Yesterday was chillier than it has been, I think the high was 45 degrees, and it felt wonderful to me. This is a big switch, as I am ALWAYS cold. I'm enjoying it immensely.

I'm eating as if I were gestating an elephant in there. Two breakfasts a day, one around 7, then other around 9. I'm still not feeling any movement, I hope it comes soon.

The pup is growing so fast! He has calmed down a bit, I don't feel that I have to watch his every move anymore. It is so funny though, sometimes at night, he'll get these bursts of energy, he'll grab a toy and just run circles around the house, upstairs, then downstairs. It is hilarious. When he is finished, he'll run down the stairs, into the den, and then leap (without slowing down one bit) onto the ottoman. Then he looks around, very pleased with himself. So cute! He still gets in biting moods, but the spray bottle seems to curtail it for the most part.

We take the pup to the vet tomorrow for his last set of shots, and I'm going to ask if she thinks he is old enough to make it through the night without having to use the bathroom. Cross your fingers that she says yes. I am so tired of getting up at 2 am. Husband has not been helpful at all. He did it once, and complained that it wasn't good for his sleeping pattern. Guess what? It isn't good for mine either, and I'm pregnant, for Pete's sake! But I just gave in on that one, and told him to enjoy it now, because when the baby gets here, he's going to have to pitch in. I'll make sure I wake him up every time I get up, if he doesn't. I love Husband very much, but he can really be irresponsible sometimes. However, he is very helpful on the weekends, by watching the pup so that I can take a 2 or 3 hour nap. That is worth a lot!

Wow, Good News!!

Well, who would've thought I'd have made it to 17 weeks? 17 weeks, 2 days that is. Wow. We had the big ultrasound on 2/27, and it was wonderful. My quad screen came back 1 in 1100 chances for Down's, negative for neural tub defects, negative for trisonomy 18. Everything looked great, the femur measurement was a little short, in the 87th percentile instead of the 90th. The doc said that might reduce my chances to 1 in a 1000, it really was a very soft marker, and not very important. So, I didn't have to have the amnio. Such a blessing. And we found out that it is a boy!! Pretty amazing to actually visualize that thing in my uterus as a human being. I was being so cautious about feeling attached, we both were. When we got the good news, it was like the flood gates opened. I told everyone here at work the next day. We were just so elated. And really, still are.
But now reality is setting in and we are facing the dilemma of what are we going to do with this child once it is born? We plan on putting the house up for sale soon. It is just too expensive. We would like to move South in the near future, but until then, we need to figure things out. I'm thinking I could probably get a contract job after the baby is born, which would up my salary about 20,000 a year. My technical skills aren't where they should be; I need to start training myself again.
The main complaint that I have right now is that I am so tired ALL OF THE TIME. I get up at 2:00 am every day to let the puppy out. It just interrupts my sleeping pattern, and I never feel too rested. Husband is getting better about getting up some days, but most of the responsibility falls on me right now. I find that I am in a rotten mood most of the time. So, I'm going to try to go out to my car during lunch and take an hour nap. I bet that will help a lot. I'm so grateful for this baby, though, I'll be grouchy the entire time if need be!

14 Weeks and still holding in there

Well, we made it past the 13th week. Today is 14. And the heart was there this morning, beating away, as if to say "What's all the fuss about? I'm doing my job here!". I'm relieved and a little more nervous about the quad screen now. I wouldn't really let myself think about it too much, as that would happen after week 13. And now week 13 is over, so I have to find something else to worry about. I go for the quad screen a week from today, hopefully to get the results by 2/23 or 2/26. I'm scheduled for the level II ultrasound on the 27th, and the amnio, if necessary, afterwards.

I'm still scared to tell anyone I'm pregnant. I'm scared to post this, because I'll have to look at it if something bad happens, just like I did for the other one. It was really weird, I got my hair colored and cut yesterday, and I told the colorist that I was pregnant, in case she needed to do something different. She was very congratulatory, and of course, asked if this was my first. I hesitated, but told her that no, this was my seond pregnancy, the first one didn't go well. I felt for her, you could tell she wanted to ask all of the questions that preggos usually want to hear, for instance, had I thought of names. I just told her that I was too nervous to get that far yet, and I hope to God that the screen and ultrasound will put my mind a little more at ease.

The great part is that we leave for Vegas a week from today! I'm looking forward to sleeping as long as I want to, and not having to get up to let the puppy out for a few days. I feel horrible about leaving the puppy in a kennel while he is so young, but I haven't really had a vacation in about two years, and I need it! I'm sure the pup will be fine.

Hello to Henry!

We have a furry addition to our family, a 5 pound, 8 week old Lab/German Shepherd mix. We got him from the Humane Society on Friday. He is just adorable, and rambunctious, and ferocious, just what we needed. I won't say there haven't been some tense times, I was so tired Saturday night, and we put him in his crate to go to bed. We put it in our bedroom, as we thought he might like to be included with everyone else in the same room. He put up the biggest fuss, making such a racket! We slid the crate into the spare bedroom, turned the light on very low, and shut the door. He whined and pitched a fit for about ten minutes, then finally shut up. I was so tired, it was a much bigger deal than it should have been. Luckily, Husband was able to take up my slack. Of course, any time I get tired or frustrated, I think, "Oh my God, am I going to be a terrible mother?" and so on. Additionally, I feel so guilty when I have to leave him, which is every day for 9 hours or so. The other dog is very hesitant around him, but has stopped snapping at him, and even allowed him to walk under her without any incident. I think things will be back to a routine in a week, I certainly hope so.
I went Sunday to visit my horse, and I left Husband and Henry alone. It was like leaving my baby for the first time, I kept wanting to call and check in! It was nice to get away for a bit though.
I received my Doppler on Friday, and tried to find the heartbeat that night, with no luck. I did not freak out though, as I've read countless accounts of this same experience. Saturday, I drank a lot of water so that I'd have a full bladder, moved the wand around and around, and suddenly, there was the woosh-woosh sound. The Doppler showed a rate of 165. It moved away after about 20 seconds, and I moved around for a while, and found it again, way high, just below and to the right of my belly button. This time it stayed there for a bit. It was so cool. Husband was in awe. I am theoretically at 12 weeks today; that doesn't mean anything to me, other than I'm getting closer to the time when things went bad for the last one. I sure hope I can be reassured by hearing the little woosh-woosh every day, particularly before the doctor's appointment, so I won't be completely ready to pass out before I go in. The pre-appointment anxiety is the worst!

Saying Goodbye To Oscar

We had to put our dog to sleep last night. He was 14 years old. He was the biggest, larger than life, sweetest soul I have ever known. When we got him as a puppy from the Humane Society, the first night we had him he started throwing up. He was so sick, and I think we ended up taking him to the vet 4 or 5 times after that first emergency call. We couldn't figure out what was wrong with him; I nursed that dog, letting him go to sleep in my lap, just picking him up and holding him. Finally, a coworker told me her dog was allergic to beef, and that I should try feeding him lamb meal and rice food. That was exactly what was wrong. I watched him go from a sick little guy to a rambunctious, frisky puppy. I have such a bond with that dog, I think from nursing him back to health. He was truly my first baby. My husband has a strong bond with him too, he was really our best friend. We enjoyed him so much. Everywhere we went, he was right there. If we took a shower, he laid down in front of the door until we came out. We couldn't close the door all the way, as he would poke his head in from time to time, just to check on us.

We knew that at his age, the time would probably be coming soon. Many times, I would come home, and he wouldn't come down stairs to meet me, and I'd make that long climb up the stairs, expecting the worst, only to find him just raising his head from a deep sleep. Last night, he woke from a nap, and tried to walk. His back legs wouldn't work. His eyes were darting back and forth, back and forth, uncontrollably. He was drooling. His breathing was very erratic. My husband called the vet, who said to come right in. My husband had to carry him into the car, as his back legs didn't work at all. I rode in the back of the car, curled up around him, and he laid his head in my hand. I told him that we would be okay, that if he needed to go, we would be okay. I also told him that he had taught us so much about how to love, we wouldn't be the same people had we never met him.

At the vet's office, she was having trouble hearing his heart. His drooling was concerning. The fact that he wasn't licking any one, no tail wags the entire time, let us know that he was in seriously bad shape. She thought was that it might be brain cancer, and said we could send him off to get an MRI. We discussed it, and neither one of us wanted to prolong his misery. So, we agreed it was time to say goodbye. They had a really nice room, with living room chairs and a rug, so it felt like we were at home. We laid him down in the middle, and spent some time with him. It was little easier, because he really wasn't there. We just petted him and tried to make him comfortable. The vet came in and explained what she would do, and we were petting him and telling him what a good boy he was. He died with his head in my hand.

We are going to get his ashes, which will give me some comfort, just to have a reminder of him in our house. It certainly is empty without him in it. He was truly a wise old soul, and I know he is in a better place. But we sure do miss him.

So weak!

I caved in and called the doctor's office to see if I could come in earlier, and to my surprise, they scheduled me for that day! So Tuesday, I drove over, a little nervous, but really pretty much okay. The baby was there, heartbeat and all! I'm so glad I went because if I had waited 5 weeks to see the doctor, I would've been a basket case. Now I only have 2 and a half weeks until I go again. And the baby measured 10 weeks! By the measurement on the ultrasound last time, I should have been 9 weeks 3 days. I'm really excited by this, as last time, it ALWAYS measured smaller than it was supposed to be. Not much, but some. So, the next appointment will be 13 weeks. The last one died at 13 or 14 weeks, they weren't sure. My uterus measured 13, the head circumference measured 14, crown to rump measured 13. So, I'm hoping that if I go at the beginning of week 13, and everything is looking good, maybe I can come back in the 14th week, and if everything is good, I'll let my breath out a little. I'm ordering the Doppler rental, even though my husband wants me to wait until we go to the doc again. I really don't think I'll freak if I can't find it, as I've read numerous accounts of people not being able to at first. I just think it would be really cool if I could find it, and then when I go to the doctor, I won't be so nervous, because I'll be able to check in on the heartbeat.
We are supposed to go to Vegas (please be warm) over President's Day weekend, which will begin my 15th week. So, hopefully I'll be pregnant and grateful for a vacation, or I'll have just finished a D&E and will be glad to have a break. I'm praying for the pregnant option, please. I think I am supposed to schedule my amnio soon, but I am so, so afraid to. Last time I had the amnio scheduled for the next day when we found out the baby had died. I had to call, completely in tears, to cancel. I know I've got to make the appointment. I just don't want to have to cancel it. Fear is a terrible thing. Part of me thinks that everything really will be okay this time. The other part is terrifed to believe that! I know that the only thing that will give me confidence is time. So here's to a quick passage of the next few weeks!

Hurry Up and Wait

I am so antsy about just knowing what is going on, I'm dieing to rent a Doppler. However, I'm only 9 weeks along and I know that I probably wouldn't be able to hear anything anyway. Which would send me into a tailspin. Or not, as I keep telling myself. At any rate, I need to wait. I hate waiting, because I would love to have some sort of reassurance. I guess I could call and make an appointment sooner at the doctor's office. I keep thinking that if I can wait until 12 weeks and everything is okay, it will be more meaningful. We'll see. I may cave. It is only 3 weeks from Monday, which is not that long, in the big picture. I'm still having nausea off and on, and I'm absolutely exhausted by the end of the day, so I'm hoping that is a good sign.

It is quite cold here today, at 9:45, it is 1 degree above zero. I'm working from home today, as the roads are kind of icy, and it really isn't worth the risk of driving in, I can do my job just as easily from home anyway. I'm going to try and go see the horse, I think he may be turned out, which means I'll have to go out in the field, which I may not want to do with the icy conditions right now. Some of the horses are such a holes! They won't let you in the gate, they won't let you out, not very respectful of my space. Which is a BIG no no in the horse world. My horse may not obey my every wish, but he understands that if I am standing in front of him, he stops. He doesn't just run through me! So, we'll see if I make it out or not.

Arrggghhhh... to call the dr or not to call? I'm sure they could get me in next week....

How many more months until May?

I am supposed to be working, and I just can't seem to concentrate for more than 10 minutes at a time. I've played solitaire so much I should have my own show on ESPN. All was good at the doctor's appointment. At least, I think so. The nurse practitioner was very nice, but there was something on the ultrasound next to the baby, she couldn't make out what it was, so she called a doctor in to take a look. The doctor looked very quickly, said, "I have no idea. There's nothing we could do anyway, hopefully this one will be uneventful." Just like that. This was a woman!! I felt like leaping up from the table and strangling her. Great bedside manner, babe. I've scheduled the next appointment for when I should be twelve weeks, I'm hoping that will give me some kind of check on the heart rate and development. After that, I may come in for week 13 and 14, because that is somewhere around when it died last time. I have a good feeling about this one, I'm trying to repeat that over and over again, to ward off anxiety. It works, sometimes. I was expecting a huge sigh of relief, but for some reason, it didn't give me any satisfaction. Hopefully after the 15 week mark (if I make it that far) and the amnio (if I make it through that) if I get normal results, I'll be much calmer.

Speaking of anxiety, we are supposed to get MORE snow this friday. Every Friday for the past 3 weeks, we've gotten snow, first 3 feet, then 1 foot, and supposedly another foot this Friday. I am OVER it. Usually, we get a nice week or two in between the storms, the snow has time to melt before the next one. Not so this winter. I have four feet of snow in my front yard. I can't bring in my Christmas decorations, because I don't know where they are. They are buried under eight feet of snow, because the four feet that was on my driveway has been shoveled on top of the four feet in my yard. Husband has been really missing Atlanta, and I tell you, I hate moving, but a winter like this will make me do it. Luckily, I'm pregnant, which would make finding a job VERY difficult right now, so we'll have to wait and mull it over before we take any action. I do love Atlanta, and I've always thought I would end up there when I was older, but it is looking like in the next two or three years, we'll be moving there. I miss trees a whole lot, there are none, or at least, very few here. And I miss the fact that in March, I can wear shorts. Rather than May. I do love Spring (when we get one) and summer here, but my God, it is going to seem like it never gets here. I haven't ridden my horse on a trail in 3 or 4 weeks, because there too much snow on the ground, at least up to his knees. Luckily, I have an indoor arena, but it is scary because the ground is frozen and pretty hard and slick.