Truckin' Along

We had the big ultrasound on 12/16, and everything looked great, except that they saw two cysts on the baby's brain. The screen came back fantastic. There were no other markers. The doctor said they usually just ignore a cyst if no other signs are found. And then by the end of the appointment, she said she had almost convinced herself that it was normal vascular activity. At any rate, we decided to not worry about it. We definitely weren't concerned enough for an amnio.
The baby is measuring a little ahead, and was moving around, and even yawned. It was awesome to the see it in there.
And, we found out it is another boy! We are very excited. I can just picture my two sons, on a Saturday morning hair sticking up running around in their pajamas.

Christmas was wonderful. S really understood that Santa was coming, and although he was quite grouchy in the morning, after an early LONG nap, he was much better, and he had big fun playing with all of his new toys. Granny and Papa came to visit the next day, and brought him MORE toys, it was so much fun to watch. It is very nice, too, because his other toys were getting pretty old and boring to him. Now we have an entire arsenal of entertainment!

I ended up going to the doctor Christmas eve, as I've been sick off an on since Thanksgiving. I got some antibiotics, but I'm not sure they are helping. I just feel so TIRED all of the time! I know I'm pregnant, but I wish I could just WAKE UP!!

Granny is supposed to take Sam tomorrow through Sunday, provided he doesn't get sick, which means I'll have some time to sleep, which is wonderful! Also, we are going to see Widespread Panic on New Year's Eve! My first Panic show since the July before Sam was born, at Red Rocks. This will be great because I'll have a seat, and it is a huge venue, so smoke shouldn't be too much of an issue. I'm very excited! I don't get to go out much at night, so this is really a special treat for me!

Oh and I'm 19 weeks?! How did that happen?

16 and a half weeks

5 more days until the Big Ultrasound,and quad screen results. Since I've reached 16 and a half weeks, I feel really good, and I'm starting to feel more like I'm really pregnant. I finally broke down and bought maternity pants and shirts, I have a definite bump showing. I'm terrified of something bad on the quad screen/ultrasound, but I want to be excited so badly.

I did get to see the baby this week, as I went in for my 16 week appointment and although we did hear the heartbeat for a few seconds, she couldn't find it again. Does this sound familiar? Luckily, I've rented a Doppler and had just listened earlier, so I wasn't really worried about it. She got the ultrasound machine and I got to have a good look at the kiddo. It is amazing how much is different from the 10 week appointment! I could see a backbone, fingers, toes, arms, legs. He/she was bending their knees and moving their arms and head. It really made me feel more connected. I wish that M could've been there, but I'd told him not to come, as usually it is ten minutes, they measure, listen, and I'm out the door (after paying for that privilege, of course). I have to admit that despite myself, I started to get a bit excited. And then, I told everyone at work-- BEFORE THE test results! What was I thinking? But in a way, if something is horribly wrong, it will be good that everyone knows, so that they'll be nicer to me, or at least understand when I snap their heads off.

In other news, S is so much fun-- he is really talking and singing, knows his upper case letters, and some lower case, is learning the sounds now. He LOVES Christmas lights, and we usually make a quick loop on the way home from school to look at them. Also, for the first time in SIX MONTHS, he is starting to be a lot better about being left at school. He hasn't had to have the teacher pick him up, I'm able to hug him and kiss him, and go. I'm really crossing my fingers that this continues!

Nuchal Fold

We had the nuchal fold translucency test done today, and the results were normal, yeah! It was a little dicey, though. We were making small talk with the ultrasound tech, and I said something about how fast they grow up both inside and outside, and after that she got very quiet. She was doing measurements, but wasn't really saying anything, and boy, we started getting nervous. The doctor came in and told us the results, and we really liked her. This was at the high risk specialist, so she won't actually be delivering or anything, but we will see her again for the big ultrasound at 17 weeks.
After that, the ultrasound tech came back in to take my blood, and she explained that her son had died in Iraq in September, and my comment just made her really sad, which made her quiet. I almost started crying right there. I felt terrible for her. I can't imagine how awful it would be to bury your son. And then I think about how many other mothers did the same thing. It makes me very sad. I do not agree with the war, never have, but I certainly support those families that are affected by it. My heart goes out to them.
Next stop, 5 weeks for the quad screen blood draw, and then the next week will be the Big Ultrasound. Oh, and according to the ultrasound, 11 weeks 3 days along.

Week 9 and holding

So, yeah, week 9 on the pregnant thing. The doctor's appointment went well, but a little fraught with frustration. You see, I couldn't sleep the entire night before due to Bad Ultrasound Dread. But I knew it would be over the next day, at least for the short term.
We got to the doctor's office, had the exam, when the doctor casually mentions that the sonographer has had a death in the family, and the other sonographer can't fit me in, so I'll have to reschedule. Oh man, I held it together pretty well, but I was ready to go totally Bruce Lee and rip out his larynx. But I didn't. We had to wait two more days, but then we got to see the heartbeat, and it measured beautifully. We'll see how the next one goes.
I'm ordering the fetal heart monitor tomorrow.
Gulp.

Back in the Saddle

Whew, it has been a while! We are in Atlanta, and really like it so far. The job is pretty good, I get to work from home a bit, spend more time with my son, and my horse. We feel really good about being here, most of the time. We will always miss Colorado, but I think for now, we are staying put for a while. We are using the heck out of the zoo, the toddler sized park nearby, and our really sizeable back yard.

And by the way... I'm pregnant. Very early yet, Monday would be 7 weeks. I'm trying so hard to keep from obsessing about it, I want to just stay somewhat objective and see how things work out. I'm nauseated some days, some days not. My boobs are sore some days, and some days not. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. That could be psychological, I tell myself. And it could be. The doctor actually made a mistake and scheduled my appointment for Oct 2, today, instead of the 12th, which was what I had down on my calendar. I'll be right about 8 weeks on the 12th. It took massive amounts of control to reschedule the appointment. I would LOVE to see if anything is developing in there, but as my dear, logical husband pointed out, if we see something there, but no heartbeat, we are going to be on pins and needles until we come back to see if the heart is beating, because at 6 weeks, it is iffy that you could see it on an ultrasound. At eight weeks, we pretty much know that something is wrong if we don't see one. So, rather than go through that horrible waiting game, we decided to reschedule the appointment. So, I've got to wait another week and some change, which is driving me crazy, but I think it is for the best.

S turned two in August, and it was wonderful. He continues to amaze us on a daily basis with his personality. What a sense of humor! And we love seeing how interesting things can be for him, even during the most mundane tasks. He can do so many things now, getting food for the dog, he goes with me to see the horse, and helps me brush him and likes to get up on his back! What a fun age.

We went to Disney mid September, and it was lots of fun. He enjoyed the teacups, the carousel, Dumbo, the magic carpets, the train,and of course, Its a Small World. He tolerated the Jungle Cruise and was a little scared in Pooh's big adventure and Buzz Lightyear. We got to meet Mickey and Minnie, but there was a line, and he melted down right before it was our turn. He screamed the entire time, but we got pictures, and they are pretty funny! It was a really good time, I'm already planning our next trip.

The cork is about to pop

So, I've given my notice here at work, tomorrow is supposed to be my last day. I'm cleaning out my cube, thanking God that I don't have to work with certain people any more, very sad that I won't be working with others. Then it hits me. I haven't heard anything back from the recruiter about what time I should come in, who I ask for, etc. No big deal, I think, I'll shoot him an email. So I did.

And then, I heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I called. He's out this week. I'm starting to sweat a little. I call the manager for whom I'm supposed to be working. He never heard a confirmation on my start date, but says to come on in on Tuesday, and ask for him. I feel a little appeased by this, but I'm getting nervous. You see, they had to do a background check, and let's be honest, my credit is less than perfect. MUCH less. It is getting better, but we had some rough times there for a while. No bankruptcy, but still not great. So, my inner voice is having a heyday. And I'm ready to throw up.

Then day care calls. S is whiny, crying, can't go to sleep. I want to be able to leave, to go get him, but now I worry that I might have to come crawling back into my boss' office and beg for my job back.

I want to cry, I want to curl up and go to sleep until this is over. Why can't anything go smoothly? Arrggghhh. I already deal so poorly with change. This is not making it any easier.

Atlanta, here we come!

So, I got the job, and we found a house that is very close to other family members. Hopefully it won't drive us crazy! The house is awesome, with a huge back yard, and a pool. The rent is 300 dollars cheaper, and the house's layout is a MUCH better fit. Two stories instead of three. A huge backyard for kids and dogs alike. A nice, quiet neighborhood, where our family knows all of the neighbors, and there is not a party house in the bunch! Two car garage, which will be great for the motorcycles. It is kind of far away from where I'll be working, but I'm willing to commute a bit to have a nice living situation.

We are kind of in shock right now. But a good shock! I gave my notice at work, and unfortunately, I know have the worst attitude possible. I have no desire to do or finish ANYTHING! But I will, I will. The bare minimum, that is. Now all we have left is to find a daycare and a stable. I've got three day cares that I want to visit, they all sound pretty promising. After that, the stables.

It is wild to think that we'll be back in Atlanta after all of these years, 13 years I think? But we are very excited to be closer to all that Atlanta has to offer. I'm scared to death, but I feel like it is the right thing to do.

I hope I can breathe again soon!

The sun had BETTER come out

Lately, I’ve had been feeling completely overwhelmed. I’m so upset by the fact that I have no time to spend with S, that we are both working our tails off so that we can pay someone else to spend time with him. Not that he isn’t benefiting from daycare, because I know that he is. He is very happy there, has his little friends, and that is great. But I hate Mondays, and going back to seeing him for a few hours a day, and starting my countdown until the weekend all over again. I miss him. I hate that I absolutely have to work, that we have to have my income. I hate that summers for him will mean going to another school, not lazing around and going to the pool day after day. I hate it. There is no other option, and he’ll be fine. But I can’t help listening to that little voice in the back of my head that wants things to be different; even if they can’t be.

And I have a freaking bolt in my tire. ~sigh~

I emailed the recruiter in Atlanta, they still haven't made a decision, almost two weeks later?! If we hear nothing by the end of Friday, we are just going to make the decision to stay here. We can't keep living in "Maybe" land.

Rainy Weekend

This weekend was really, really great. S is feeling much better. I think he was teething before, because oh my God he was grouchy last week. It was really awful. We kept wondering if this is what normal kids act like. Whew! But we got through it, didn’t kill each other, and lo and behold, suddenly about Thursday, he was his old self again. Yay!

It rained, rained, rained all weekend. Somehow, I decided to be cheerful and optimistic rather than feeding into my usual rain negativity. It worked beautifully, and the weekend turned out to be really fun. We took S to a Japanese steak house for lunch for the first time. We’ve debated on taking him for quite some time, and finally I just decided for us. We have figured out that if we come up with a contingency plan, we feel a lot more secure about new situations. So, contingency plans were made (I’d take S outside and get mine to go), diaper bags were packed, and away we went. We get inside, and there is a guy with a freaking tile saw running, which made both of us enter Panic Level 1. S was fine, however. Whew! Dodged that one. Then we get to the table, seated, and the fire alarm goes off. With the blinking lights, the screaming sirens, everything. Panic Level 4!! Oh No! S got a little nervous, but handled it well. The rest of the experience was fine. We had to laugh; we were wondering if a man-eating lion was waiting for us in the parking lot. As for the actual meal, S absolutely loved it, loved being able to see so many people, and watching the chef in front of him was very entertaining for him.

We did a lot of playing in the house, it was raining too much to go outside, so we painted a lot, both finger paints and watercolors. S is in his abstract phase, I think. At any rate, we made it through a rain filled weekend with our spirits intact. Thank God we are renting a largish house, with plenty of room to run!

The Atlanta thing—I have heard nothing from the company, I don’t know for sure if that is a bad sign, but I’m leaning that way. The weird thing is, I’m not 100 percent sure I’d take it and move. After all the discussions of moving to a bigger city, now I’m second guessing myself. We started thinking about traffic, and how much time that would take away from our already miniscule time with S. We talked about access to camping, bike trails, hiking trails, which we have a lot of here. We talked about how close we are to Diane. We talked about the fact that yes, my job isn’t the best, but it isn’t the worst either. I work my 40 hours and go home, which is pretty good in this industry. S’s daycare situation absolutely, positively is the most awesome situation, despite the rocky start. So, we may actually be leaning towards staying here, at least for the next few years. The landlords told us that they have no intention of moving back, and are hoping we’ll continue to lease. The house isn’t perfect, it has a zillion stairs, and no yard for the dog, but is also has an awesome screened porch, trees, birds, and a large, if hilly, yard. But it is a nice house. We have lived there almost a year, and we have things somewhat worked out there for living. We’d really rather not pack up everything to move across town, and into a possibly worse situation.
So, to sum it up-- the old S is back, yea! Atlanta is still a maybe, leaning toward no.

So, I go to my car to await the Phone Interview, scheduled for 11. I wait and wait, then wait some more. At 11:20, I call the HR person. Oh, she says, they are running late, maybe 15 more minutes? I’ve been sitting in my car since 10:50. No problem, I say, swallowing my anger. Maybe this time will be worth it. Maybe this will the THE ONE. I decide to go get gas. Five minutes later, while driving through the busiest part of town, the phone rings. It is the Interviewer. We talk, we click, the job sounds great, Oh, really, I could work from home a lot? Wonderful! Yes, I’d love to discuss my experience. Yes, I have experience with Data Warehouses. Yes, I know what your company does. Oh my, this is going well, I think, this really could be THE ONE. We talk salary. Oh, and one small detail…. This isn’t a full time job. We would bring you in for 6 months as a contractor. That’s okay, right? No, no guarantees that we’d hire you. If we like you, sure, but if we don’t... Benefits? Oh well, you’d pay for 80% of your benefits. We use <>. They are a lot more expensive than the others, but you can choose whatever doctor you want! I know that our posting said full time job, sorry about that.

Nothing like wasting two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And being slapped with massive disappointment once again. It was so nice to hear someone talk to me that within the first ten minutes didn’t make a reference to the Lord, what church I go to, or the phrase “hind end”. But, I’m back in the land of No Hope. And I’m firmly, deeply stuck.

V Day 2009

Valentine’s Day. We have a funny relationship, me and Valentine’s Day. When I was younger, in High School, it was about everyone knowing that I got flowers (once in four years), or trying to hide the fact that I didn’t. Even after I was married (but still 18!), I spent the entire day trying to tell myself not to expect flowers, that it was okay. And then, the flowers would arrive, and I would be so pleased. But if they didn’t get there until later, I was downright pouting by the time they got there.

And then, somewhere, something happened. I was genuinely happy for those that got something, but I really didn’t care so much if I got something or not.

You see, I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 20. We had that passionate, “blinded by love”, rollercoaster, oh my god I’m gonna die because we argued, oh my god I’m so happy because we made up kind of relationship. I think you have to be young to have that sort of marriage, because as you get older, you don’t have the stamina! As we grew and mellowed, got stronger, became more able to stand on our own two feet instead on leaning so hard on each other, we got stronger. Our relationship got stronger. We became stable. I like stable. I LOVE stable.

We know each other well enough to get on each other’s nerves almost to that point. But we know enough to stop before we get there. We also know that we love each other in a stronger, deeper way than we could have ever imagined back when we were married 19 years ago. So, if I get flowers, great, but I genuinely don’t care so much. I know he loves me. I feel loved on a daily basis.

It feels great not to care. And coincidentally, I did get some beautiful tulips. And a great card that plays Superfreak!

I love you, you big Palooka. Happy Valentine’s Day.

We got the band together again!

M's cousin came over last night, and we had way too much fun playing Rock Band. As a matter of fact, we've run through all of the songs! The highlight of the night? Me, trying to sing Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills". And Highway Star. Never did I know that the word "star" could be mangled in so many ways! So much fun.

Moving?
We know that we don't want to be here. We want a bigger city. So, I've been posting for jobs here and there. Long story short, someone in Tampa contacted me, I had a technical interview in which the guy told me that he was going to recommend that they fly me in, and that was two days ago. I've heard nothing.
Which may be good, because it gave me some time to stop and think. While we used to really enjoy the excitement of taking off for parts unknown without even blinking, we might actually ~miss~ some of our family. Weird, right?
We do certainly miss the type of outdoorsy culture more prevalent in the western us, but something tells me not to go too far right now. We're talking maybe about going to Atlanta, it would be an easy move, a much, much bigger city. We're still trying to figure it out. Of course, a lot (all of it) will depend on if I can get a job or not.


Weight update
160.6, and I don't think it is a fluke, because yesterday morning was 160.8. Oh my gosh, I could be seeing 150's in a week or so! Very, very exciting. I haven't been in the 150's since well before S was born. Maybe before the first pregnancy, I think. All of that angry eating took its toll!
Spinning class tomorrow again. Whew! I'm excited and scared at the same time, kind of the way I used to feel before taking off on my dirt bike. But it is good! Getting results like this really keeps me motivated. I have a pair of pants that are very unforgiving waist-wise, and I try them on every week to see how they fit. I have to say I feel a pretty big difference this week. I can tell that my stomach is definitely taking up less of the landscape. Whew hoo! Very exciting.

Size 12 jeans fit great, I'm pretty sure I could get into 10s, not sure that anyone would want to see it :)

Blogger's Studio Courtesy of Beth Fish

Beth from So the Fish Said asked if anyone would like to be interviewed, and I thought hey! what a great chance to stop whining and bitching! She provided the questions:

1. Remember the movie href="Brewster's">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088850/plotsummary">Brewster's Millions?
That happens to you, except on a smaller scale. You receive a million
dollars that you must spend in 30 days. However, you cannot have any
assets to show for the money at the end of the month (and you can't
buy something and then destroy it), you cannot waste the money, you
cannot give it away, and you cannot tell anyone what you are doing.
How do you ditch the dough in a month or less?

That’s easy! Invest in Real Estate in NYC!

2. You are locked in a toy store overnight, with no way out until it
reopens in the morning. What do you play with all night?

Oh man, that sounds awesome! I’m all over the sit n spin, the block things that you push through the different shaped holes, toy trains, Legos!, and the big Barbie head who’s hair you style. Also that robotic horse thing, possibly, although it kind of looks Satanic and might freak me out in the middle of the night.

3. If you could have a dinner party with any three famous people,
living or dead, you would be wasting your supernatural powers on
hosting dinner parties. What would you do instead?
Find a cure for Diabetes, so that my husband would live a long, healthy life.

4. What's the best thing since sliced bread? Now, sliced bread ain't
all that impressive, so what's the best mediocre, hum-drum improvement
or advancement that has made modern life just ever so slightly more
convenient for humanity, along the lines of saving yourself five
seconds every time you want a piece of bread.

That would have to be the ice and water in the refrigerator door thing. Why does it seem so cool? Was it really that difficult to reach into the freezer and get some ice, and then fill your glass with water?

5. What's your best quality? The response to this question must be a
simple declarative statement. You may elaborate on that statement,
provided that your elaboration does not include the words "but,"
"however," or "although," or any other hedging, equivocating,
back-sliding, gerrymandering (which is not at all appropriate in this
context, but I think it should be, don't you?) or any other type of
backing down from the simple declarative statement with which you
began your response.
I am incredibly loyal, once I feel a person has earned it.

Trying to be less angry

Okay, trying to be more positive today. I didn’t lose a ton of weight this week, I definitely did not exercise like I should’ve. I had this awful soup yesterday, which did not fill me up at all, so I kept eating things to try to make up for it, and then for some reason by the end of the day, I had a headache that was so intense I honestly wondered if I was having a stroke. It was only on one side of my head, and so, so intense. My husband massaged my shoulders and neck and BOY there was a spot there that is so sore. And still is. I think we need to invest in a massager thingy that you put in your chair. Because I cannot take it.

So, I take my first spinning class today. I really fight my social anxieties to take these classes. I was concerned about whether I should wear my cycling shoes and shorts, even though I’m so out of shape. I finally decided “F it, this is my journey, and if it makes me feel better to wear the bike shorts and my clipless shoes, then I’m going to do it!”. I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t want easy. I want to get healthy. I want to take S out in the Burley this spring. I want to get back on my Homegrown and ride a trail with M. I want to feel good, no matter where I live. I want to enjoy riding, not dread every hill climb. And I know that I can do it. I KNOW I CAN!

I keep picturing myself doing these things, and it works as great motivation. Whether I hate my job or not, I need to do myself a favor and use the tools around me to my greatest benefit. I will not let my anger/frustration sabotage this effort.

So, weight: 162.0, 6.8 lbs lost.

I bought a size 12 in jeans this weekend. From a 14. It rocks. The other ones I could actually pull off without unbuttoning them. From losing 7 pounds? Working out definitely makes a difference.

Jane 2.0

How is it going? So far, very well. I've started going to the gym, for the last two weeks, I've been four times a week.

Weight loss: this morning, I weighed 163.8. That is a 5 lb loss in 2.5 weeks. Not bad! I'm aiming for 2 lbs a week.

I started jogging, just a bit, as I'm trying to train for a 5K. I'd like to build up to 10K, and maybe do a race in CO, I'd love to do the Bolder Boulder, but I think it may fill up too soon.

I did 60 sec of running, 90 sec of walking, for 25 minutes. Yesterday, I took a circuit training class, during which I ran for two minutes a couple of times.

Goal weight: 135

29 lbs to go!!

Pants are starting to get a tiny bit looser. The eating is pretty easy right now, and I'm really, really excited that I'm finally doing it. I've talked about it forever, and now, I'm actually exercising and eating nutritiously! Now that I'm getting into more of a routine, I've got to help M start it up. It would be so cool if we both got healthy.

Those Zany Office Workers

In keeping with my “Let’s ride the crazy train with Jane” theme, I thought I’d enlighten you as to the types of people I work with and the delightful scenarios that occur as a result:

1) The lady who calls me EVERY TIME SHE SENDS ME AN EMAIL. To say, “I just sent you an email”. She sends me at least five emails EVERY DAY. It drives me absolutely insane. Each voicemail says exactly the same thing as the email. Double the pleasure, double the fun!

2) The lady who reacts to every possible issue, before taking the time to determine if it is, in fact, an issue. I spent four hours today tracking down “HUGE problem, OMG if this isn’t working we’re screwed” type of thing. A “lets’ email everyone and let them know that this isn’t working even though I haven’t actually confirmed that it isn’t working” type of thing. The most irksome part of this is that 99% of the time, the reason something behaves the way it does is … you guessed it, because she told me to make it behave that way. Luckily, I always have the email(s) to send back to her. She is never apologetic, and always acts as if she’s doing me a favor by admitting that she did, in fact, ask for it to work that way. But she never emails everyone again to let them know. So I started including them in the emails I send to her.

3) The guy who is so afraid that someone may be better at his job than he is, that he will not share any information with you. Even if you have been tasked with helping him finish work on one of his projects. It would be easier to learn a new language while deserted on an island for a year than to have to try to start working on one of his projects. He is a true environmentalist, as he “leaves no trace”. No documentation, no comments, no replies to your emails or phone calls. I like to think of it as being a secret agent, dropped off in a foreign country, trying to complete a mission. I try to ignore the fact that my foreign county is approximately 8x8 and the color of urine.

4) The guy who wants to talk your ear off, but then makes snide comments about you behind your back. And it isn’t just me; he stabs everyone in the back. To your face, he wants to tell you all about his landscaping plan, or how well his pet chinchilla is doing, but when he thinks you are out of range, he’ll disparage your work, your hours, and anything else he can come up with.

5) The girl who really, really, wants to be left alone and get some actual work done. Guess who? I have spent so much time the last few days tracking down “problems” and then having to explain to ten different people that they aren’t problems, they were requested. ~Sigh~

On a completely different and AWESOME note, my husband is going to a big charity event that Widespread Panic’s lead singer helps out with every year. We have wanted to go for quite some time, but this is the first year we’ve really been close enough to do it. The best part? I’ll get to take S to Disney! And see WP's lead singer in concert! And get out of this town for a while. Which I need badly.

WW Commando

Feeling slightly less unhinged. So, I guess, you call me a little more hinged than yesterday. But not fully hinged, not by far.

I tried to sign up for Weight Watcher’s again yesterday. I hoofed it over about four blocks in the stinkin’ cold, using up precious gym time, but I thought it might be worth it to have some support. The WW person never showed up. How’s that for enthusiastic support? But, I’m thinking that was a good thing. The crowd was less than inspiring.

There was one person there who was there when I went to the meetings last year. And I remember being kind of annoyed by her last time, because no matter what you were talking about, she ALWAYS found a way to bring it back around to the fact that she’d been there for two years! And wasn’t that great! She knows all about it! Isn’t she everybody’s Miss WW! But here’s the thing. I overheard her telling someone that she’s lost, are you ready for it? 60 pounds. Yes, that is quite an accomplishment. It took her TWO YEARS people. TWO YEARS. My God, what, is she eating one less doughnut a day? Yeah, yeah, I know, good for her, blah blah. But I was so sick of hearing her tell everyone how great she was, and to find out that BFD, she lost 60 lbs and has AT LEAST that much more to go. So she’ll be nice and thin for her trip to Boca when she’s 70!

And then, the others. I heard one lady telling the other, “I know I gained two pounds last week, but I just can’t live without my half and half in my coffee and little piece of cake before I go to bed” – I don’t think I’d want to have to constantly clamp my mouth shut for fear of saying something very to-the-point.

I think most of this bitterness and urge to stab someone with a ten-pound-loss pin is that the last meeting helper type of thing I attended was a Narcotic’s Anonymous meeting, quite some time ago. (Yes, I’ve been clean for wait-let me count – 21 years now, and yes, I’m still clean, just don’t go to meetings anymore. I was sixteen when I got clean, so when I grew up, I didn’t really need any help living a clean life, as it is the only way I know. I wasn’t really feeling a need to be there, and haven’t for about 15 years now.) The NA meetings are a little more rooted in tough love, because addicts can certainly load on the self pity and are all too ready to heap the blame on everyone and everything else. I personally respond to this much better. I would much rather someone call me on my s—t than to coddle me. And I would much rather call someone else on it, too. All of that freaking rationalization about why they couldn’t give up a biscuit with their dinner? I wanted to shout “F—k, people, why are you HERE? GET OUT! You don’t want help!” So maybe I shouldn’t attend those meetings, I’m guessing.

Learning to bend

I started doing the WW again back on Jan 5, and so far I’ve lost 3.6 pounds! I went to the gym yesterday at lunch. That was the first time I’ve been to the gym since I was pregnant with S. I did actually exercise a little bit when I was first pregnant, but then I got tired and worried that I’d do something bad, so I stopped. It has been at least two years since I’ve been. It felt absolutely wonderful.

I love the elliptical machine, always have, and as I got on and slid my water bottle into its slot, it felt like coming home. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be; my legs are sore today, but I wasn’t huffing and puffing as I had imagined. I’m going today to do upper body—yea!

It is a little cumbersome carrying the bag that I have; and I decided that if I keep going for two weeks, I’ll buy myself a nice backpack to use.

The last time I lost so much weight and got into great shape was doing the Body For Life program. It worked, and worked well, but it isn’t something that I can continuously do. I’m not going to get up at 5am to work out every day. And what I’m realizing is that I don’t have to. I can go during lunch, or after Sam’s asleep, but I need to cut myself some slack and realize that everything about it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just because the guy says that you need to work out First Thing In The Morning, it doesn’t mean that if I work out during the afternoon that I’m a failure. If I get there, it’s all good! I still get a gold star! And the diet was pretty strict. I need to allow for a latte here and there, it keeps me from binging like a wild woman.

I’m realizing that this applies to a lot of my life. It seems that I set these rigid goals of perfection, and if I can’t reach them, I give myself no credit (and give up). As a new mother, I felt that everything had to be done absolutely by the book, with no variation. I think most new parents are like that. As time goes by, and you don’t break him, you realize that it is okay to trust your instincts. It is okay to slack some.

It has occurred to me that this should apply to life in general, and as I’m beginning to allow myself to slack a bit here and there, I ‘m more fun to be around. I don’t want to become my uptight aunt, screaming at her ten year old son not to get his white Easter pants dirty. I want to be the one who is helping him search for eggs, and if we don’t find any, show him that we’ll still have fun, by rolling around on the ground wrestling. As clichéd as it is, I need to remember that it isn’t the destination, it is the experiences getting there. That sounds almost like a resolution, doesn’t it? Oh yeah, and that losing 35 pounds thing.

Just to keep me honest:
Height 5’3”

Weight:
1/5/09: 168.8
1/12/2009: 165.2

Loss 3.6 lbs!! Yea!!

My moment of clarity

I went to Starbuck’s this morning, to get a Black Tea Latte. And the cashier had on a billabong hoodie. In one very swift and definite moment, the desire to move back to San Diego was born. This desire has poked up its head many times in the last year, but usually I have been able to brush it away, like a mosquito. this has been easy in the past, as I simply recite the list of Reasons Not To Move There:
1) the cost of living is HIGH and we can’t buy a house
2) the job market is not good right now
3) it is expensive to move
4) there aren’t any places for Charlie horse


And, of course, my answers:
1) We can’t buy a house anyway; our credit sucks right now. The housing market has come way down there, and maybe by the time we are ready to buy, it will be more reasonable. And I don’t feel a strong desire to buy anything right now. Last time we lived there, I was in a different place, and felt that I NEEDED to own a house to feel like a worth member of society. I feel completely different about that now.
And believe it or not, but we could live in a decent house, granted more towards the hills than the ocean, for only a couple of hundred dollars more than we’re paying now.
2) I just looked out on dice.com, and there are many, many jobs for which I’m qualified, with strong companies. Whether I’d actually GET one of these jobs? Who knows. But I wouldn’t move until I did.
3) This one is difficult. We are finally building up some savings again. Mike was going to quit his job at the end of this month, maybe we can plan a bit further into the future and he’ll keep working, and we’ll keep adding to the savings account, at least for a couple of months.
4) I did some web research, and there are many, many boarding stables. Actually a lot better options than in CO, as grass actually grows in CA.

I can’t explain why I suddenly have such a strong urge. But I haven’t had one in a long, long time. It feels very much like a ‘moment of clarity’. Suddenly, I felt as if I woke from a fog, thinking, ‘Why are we here? We could be THERE!’

When we lived there before, we didn’t have children, were very into mountain biking and dirt bike riding, things that we did with a group of friends. When we moved to SD, we missed those friends and those activities. That was a long time ago, and now those friends have kids, have gotten divorced, etc. Our lives are so different now, and our priorities are quite different. I don’t care so much if I can’t afford a new car or to buy a huge house.

I’m going to give it the weekend test. If I still feel this way by Monday, I’m going to get more serious about researching it.

Catch Up (Whew!)

Wow, has it been that long? I’ve been busy, but in a good way. I really like it when life is so full that you can’t fit anything else in. When it is full, not just frenzied. The difference? When you are busy doing things that fulfill you, give you joy, give your life meaning, then life is full. When you are busy running around doing pointless tasks, it is NOT full, just frenzied. You know what I mean.

Christmas was absolutely freaking wonderful. S was sick up to that day, nothing major, just a fever and general blah. Christmas he was better, though, and oh my goodness we had so much fun watching him open presents, and of course, the look when he saw what Santa brought was enough to keep me going for another year without anything to eat…. I knew it would be good, but man, the utter and sheer joy on that kid’s face. My heart grew three sizes!

We got to go to S’ grandparents’ (my husband’s aunt and uncle) house, which is not something we’ve done in a long while. Last year, my mother came and it was such an ordeal that we didn’t really enjoy it. This time we went over and there was a big group of people, and talk of Christmases past (we’ve spent 20 together!), and funny stories, and a great meal, and just a general really good holiday feel.

S did get sick again the next Sunday(groan), but seems to be better now. Being home with him for that long was so great, and, as any parent knows, so hard to end. M was planning on leaving his job at the end of January, and this just solidified that plan. I love that S gets interaction with other kids at daycare, but we’re noticing some differences as of late. He has started carrying around his fleece jacket all of the time while at daycare. He doesn’t do this at home, and it worries me that he wants a comfort object while he is there. He was sleeping a little more there, but nowhere near what he should be (an hour is the longest that he’s slept there, for all day). So, we are hoping to back down to a couple of days a week for daycare, M can do something very part time to get him out of the house, and S will hopefully benefit from it.

And I have a confession to make. I’m addicted. Hopelessly. We discovered that there is a version of Rock Band that will work with our ancient PS2. And it is absolutely incredible. And when I say incredible, I mean INCREDIBLE!!!! It has drums, guitar(which you can play as a bass, too), and a microphone. We have spent every night after S goes to bed playing this thing. And having SO MUCH FUN!

The coolest thing about this is that while we do get to have time for ourselves, mostly it is doing something separate – M has his Harley, and golf, and I have my horse, and luckily, we give each other time to enjoy these things while the other spends time with S. But we don’t really do much together, other than watch tv. This has really changed that, and it is so great to laugh and shake off the stress of the day. I don’t even like video games, but this one just absolutely was worth it, and it is so much more than just sitting there hitting a game controller. At any rate, I love it when you buy something and you know without a doubt that it is worth the money. And this one was.

Now going through the adjustment back to the real world, but totally worth it to have had such a great time off.