Thursday, August 31, 2006


Well, I can't believe I made it to 12 weeks. That's right, my first milestone. I'm hoping to be able to relax a bit now. I really wanted to tell people at work, but my boss wants me to wait?! I'm not sure why. Of course, in a couple of weeks it will be fairly obvious. I'm showing just a little, little bit right now, and I can wear baggy shirts to cover it. But it is starting to get cooler, and when I put on a sweater, it is beginning to be obvious.

3 and a half more weeks until the amnio. I nervous about both the results and the miscarriage chances, but the way I look at it, if I miscarry at that point, I'm just NOT meant to have a baby. It will kill me, but I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As for the results, I'm pretty scared. Part of me says I would terminate if something is found, part of me says I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I terminated. So, I'm waffling right now. I pray that I don't have to make that decision.

My husband's cousin, let's call him God's Gift To Women (ggtw), is quite the piece of work. He honestly believes that every woman that says hello, responds to something he asks, or seats him at a restaurant wants to sleep with him. He is 40 years old, overweight, and not very attractive. In addition, his personality sucks. He thinks he knows everything, and will not accept anyone else's input on a subject.
My husband and ggtw went to a hot spring that was clothing optional. The object of clothing optional is NOT to check out other people, it is about being comfortable in your skin, and not caring what other people think about you. I guess it is sort of a spiritual, natural, hippie kind of thing. I totally get it, although I'm not ALWAYS comfortable taking my clothes off, but it doesn't really bother me to be around it.

GGTW, of course, tries to talk to every woman there. Did I mention he is married with two children? One woman was from the South originally, like my husband and ggtw, so they talked for a bit about it. My husband said she was NOT interested, she was just talking. Her children were there with her. So, the next day, they are leaving, and she kind of touches ggtw's shoulder and says, "it was nice meeting you guys, have a fun trip". GGTW turns to my husband and says "she initiated contact. I felt a connection there. Let's hang out here and see if something happens." To which my husband replied, "We are leaving." GGTW honestly thought because the woman was being courteous, she wanted to sleep with him. It makes me sick. So, every time I say excuse me, or ask the pharmacist "how are you today?" does that make him think I want to sleep with him? Please.

Of course, it gets my ire up, because I feel threatened by him. If he is willing to sleep with any woman that will have him, will he have any influence on my husband? I know that he wouldn't, because I trust my husband, and my husband is NOT AN IDIOT. But, still, the thought creeps up in the back of my mind. Luckily, he is gone. My husband had TONS of similar stories to tell. He couldn't believe it.

His old high school buddy comes to visit in a week and a half, he is a much better guy. Definitely from the country, and kind of backwards, but I'd rather deal with that.

At any rate, happy 3 months!! What a rocky start, I pray it will be smoother from here on out.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Little Scare

My husband's cousin is in town, and coincindentally, a good friend of mine was coming back to her home town, about 4 hours away. There was a lot of stress about how I could get there, and not ruin the cousin's vacation. I wanted to just drive myself, but my husband was concerned that we don't have cell coverage all the way through the mountains, and what if the car broke down, etc. My friend saved the day by inviting me to spend the night, and let them drive on to Moab, and I had a GREAT time. Except that on Sat afternoon, I started spotting, light cramping. I almost passed out when I saw it. We were at her aunt's house, who is probably dying of cancer, and I did NOT want to bring more drama, so I snuck out of the house, and called my doctor. She said that a lot of times, sitting for too long can cause spotting, due to the constant pressure-- she said to call if the spotting became bleeding, or my cramps got worse. They didn't, thankfully. I laid down on the floor at her aunt's house, and then after the next morning ,things were MUCH better. I didn't call my husband, as I didn't think it was worth upsetting him over, and it seems that it wasn't. I had just a little spot yesterday, and today seems completely clear. Whew! I was pretty freaked out, but I managed to hold it together.

I got to see her adorable 2 year old son, what a cutie! And so smart! Her family is so cool, they are all just themselves, no pretense. Which is completely different from my family, at those big gatherings, everyone has to put on a front, so they can impress everyone else..yuck!

My husband and his cousin are gone on a fishing trip, I think they are having a good time, although it always ends with nerves a little frayed. I'll be glad to have him to myself again. I hate the fact that the only time he has to take off is taken up by his friends, rather than a vacation with me. Of course, my maternity leave is coming out of my sick and vacation time, so I can't really take any time anyway. But boy, do I want to!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Total Elation

We had our doctor's appt this morning, it was wonderful. The new nurse practitioner was very nice, I liked her a lot. She was very professional, and very empathetic with our previous situation. I was VERY anxious, as was my husband. We told her our story, so she went right to the ultrasound. And there it was. A thing that actually is beginning to look like a baby!! It was sucking its thumb, flipping around, waving its arms and legs, it was an amazing sight. I can't believe all of that is going on inside of me!! I cried while I was watching it. Unbelievable. I know this has been happening for thousands of years, but wow. This time, it is happening to me!

I am officially building the web site tonight. I was holding off on doing anything like that, but I asked the doctor when would be a pretty safe time to go public, and she said, right about now is pretty safe! So, I'm going to let my guard down a bit, and try to be optimistic. Just seeing how energetic it was made me feel really good. The heart was beating away, too. As was mine!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Holding pattern

9.5 weeks, Sunday will be 10.

We are pretty much in a holding pattern right now, which is good. I am still pregnant, at least for now, and we have a doctor's appointment on 8/15, a week from now. I changed the offices where we go, as we just weren't sure we could face that nurse practitioner that gave us the COMPLETELY WRONG information and made us think we didn't have a baby in there. I think it will just be easier not to have to face her again...
Of course, it will have been 3 weeks since we last had an ultrasound, so we are both pretty nervous about whether things are progressing as they should be. I am SO SO tired right now, I hope that is a sign that my body is building a baby in there. I wish my job had more women in managerial roles, because my boss just doesn't understand why I'm tired... I don't think he knows that pregnancy makes you into a zombie. He asked me what I did on the weekend, I told him I slept for the most part, and he acted so surprised, asking me "Why would you do that?" Ummm, because there is a little parasite inside of me, sucking the life force out of me! I literally get up in the morning, and an hour later, I want to go back to bed. Instead, I have to go to work! Oh well, hopefully not too much longer until my energy returns.

I have to say that I've been pretty optimistic, but now that the appointment is getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous about it. I don't know why I can't shake this fear, I keep telling myself that I've had more good appointments than bad, but it is still very scary. I thought about renting one of those Doppler heartbeat monitors, but I'm afraid I could get pretty obsessed with it. Still, it would be nice to hear the heart beating, and know that everything is okay, rather than going through ANXIETY HELL, where I am now.
We'll start talking about the nursery, etc, and then I think STOP! don't let yourself get his far...

And then, if I get that far, we have the amnio to worry about. I'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I keep reminding myself that BOTH of my grandmothers had children in their late 30s, one of them at 39 (and this was back in the fifties) and none of them had Down's Syndrome. I'm hoping that is a good indicator.

I'm still riding my horse, but I'm getting more and more nervous about it, I went out on Monday, and there was guy riding a four wheeler down in the Highline Canal, so you couldn't see him all of the time, just every once in a while he would pop up, scaring the bejesus out of Charlie. He did really well, and then when we came up to where the truck and trailer were blocking half of the trail, he just decided, that's it, I'm out of here! And wheeled around and tried to run off, which went quickly from a dead run to a trot, and then I made him turn around and go back through the area. I didn't really get scared until the second time, and I remembered I was pregnant-- so I got off and walked him through several times, and then he was okay. But I was a little nervous about things after that. We'll see how things go, I may ride for one more month, and then hang it up. I'm hoping to get my husband to ride him a bit, I think he would enjoy it, and Charlie will take care of him.

Our next few weeks will be busy... my husband's cousin is coming to visit next Thursday (he just told us yesterday) for a week. That's fine, he is a very close friend, I feel very comfortable with him around. He has two children, and I'm sure will be giving me all kinds of pregnancy advice-- none of which I will want!! But I know he is just trying to help. Then in September one of my husband's long time friends is coming out to visit. He has known my husband since junior high school. They spent a lot of time together when we moved back to TN last year. I would love to visit my friend in San Diego, but my maternity leave will be strictly vacation time, they don't have short term disability insurance here-- can you believe that? So, if I take any time, I think it will be to see my Mom, as her health won't permit her to come out and visit once the baby is born, so it could be years before I see her again.

I am so tired of counting down until the next appointment; hopefully if I make it to 12 weeks, I'll relax a little.