Monday, October 23, 2006

Deja Vu all over again

Well, the baby died. I went in for my 15 week appointment, and no heartbeat. I had a D&C 2 days later. It was hell. I wasn't even nervous about the doctor's appointment, I was worried about the amnio scheduled for the next day. He explained that they wouldn't do an ultrasound, just the Doppler, but we would get to hear our baby's heartbeat. We were excited at the prospect. He kept trying to find it, and the batteries ran out. He went to get another one. He still couldn't find it. At this point, I thought something was wrong. He brought in the ultrasound, assuring us that it was probably just in a strange position... and then the ominous silence began. He kept looking at it, changing direction, looking at it. I knew, as did my husband. I finally said "Is something wrong?" to which he answered "Just give me a minute, here." Why didn't he just say, I think so... instead of dragging it out? We knew anyway at that point. He brought in another doctor to confirm it. I was just so ANGRY. Why did we have to go through this TWICE with this pregnancy? Not fair. I'm still angry sometimes, particularly when I hear someone complain about having a girl instead of boy, etc. I feel like screaming to them YOU UNGRATEFUL B***H! But I don't. I just sit there and I feel the ball of sadness inside of me increase its diameter just a bit more. It grows until I can't hold it in anymore, and then I cry. Then it begins building again. The good thing is that is takes longer to build each time. At first, it was every five minutes (I'm not kidding, I couldn't wear my contacts because of the salt buildup), then every hour, then day, and now it is only once or twice a week. The human spirit is pretty amazing, because three weeks ago, I didn't think I would get off the couch. Except to ride my horse. That is what saved me, I think. I found out about this on Monday, rode him for a good, long time on Tuesday, worked from home on Wednesday, and had the D&C on Thursday. I wasn't really bleeding, so I rode him after a week, and now I ride whenever I can. I thank God that I love doing something so much, and that my love for it didn't die with the baby. It gives me something to look forward to, you know? And, of course, my husband was so wonderful to me, and continues to be.

I thought that since I made it into my second trimester, all was safe. I was wrong. They don't know when the baby died, the head measurement was 14 weeks, crown to rump was 13 weeks. I'm doing much better, but I still have my low moments. We did get the results back from the testing on the baby, and it had complete triploidy, which is where every chromosome had an extra one, for a grand total of 3. It is 100% fatal. So, I was glad to know that it wasn't because of something wrong with me, and it was nothing I had done, and it is NOT genetic. We're going to try again, but we are taking it SLOWLY. I gained some weight (hey, I was pregnant, I was eating!), so now I have to get it off before I get pregnant again, probably a couple of months down the road. But I figure it'll take us around 6 months to get pregnant again anyway, so it really doesn't matter. I'm still waiting to get my period after the D&C, as we are forbidden to try again before that momentous occasion.

This time around, if I do get pregnant, I don't see any reason to even go to the doctor until I'm 12 weeks. It was hard enough worrying about it for 3 months-- if I don't really know it is a real pregnancy, then I won't worry about it, right? I have read that there is an increased incidence of molar pregnancy after having a triploidy one, if that happens, we are f***ed because you have to wait a year afterwards to try again-- and I'm too old to waste a year. I will rent a Doppler if I get pg again, just so I can check in-- I think one of the hardest things was that as each week went by, our confidence went up. This way, I'll know pretty quickly if things end.

I couldn't believe I heard this come out of my mouth, but I was talking to my Mom (she, unbelievably, has been so helpful through this), and she was saying "You'll get pregnant again, and everything will be all right", and astoundingly, I said, "And hopefully things will go well this time, but you know what, if they don't, I'll be all right anyway. My life will go on, and I will still enjoy it. I have a great life, job, HUSBAND!! (he is just the best), horse, dogs, cat, and the fact that I can't have a baby will not negate that. I'll grieve again, and then I'll move on." And you know what, it is true. I don't feel that I have a huge hole in my life that can only be filled by a baby. I just feel that my life would be enhanced by a baby-- but I won't die if it doesn't happen. This realization is quite wonderful. Life will go on, baby or not.

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