Thursday, September 04, 2008

Know When to Hold 'Em

I hate to think of missed opportunities. With all of the times we’ve moved, I feel like we’ve missed out on so many things that could’ve materialized if we had stayed put. Friendships that could’ve become strong, the paths of our lives could’ve taken different turns if we had been somewhere else. I wish I could say I was one of those people that said ‘I wouldn’t do anything different, where I ended up is where I’m supposed to be”, but I’m not. I’m not talking about my marriage, or my son. Both of those things are the best parts of my life. But I suffer from a constant second guessing, always wondering what if we had stayed here, or not moved here, I had taken that job instead of this one…

It is such a contrast to most of the people here. Most lived here all of their lives, went to school here, got a job and have stayed in it for years, and plan to stay there for years. It never occurs to them to look for something different. I’m not sure if they are perfectly happy with the way things are, or they just don’t think there is anything they can do about it. While I have been able to experience and see things that most of these people don’t even know exist, I envy them their stability. And I sometimes think that if I can just make myself stay put for a while, it will “stick”, and I won’t want to go anywhere else. But then I get a little nudge, a little scratch in the outer edges of my mind that says, “do not settle”, and I start questioning why we are here, why I am doing what I do for a living, etc. And I wonder how to change it.

I guess you could say I’m wiling to gamble on new opportunities, I mean having a baby is the biggest gamble of all, and that paid off BIGTIME. What I’m trying to figure out is if I will ever get to a point where I’m ready to count my losses and step away from the table. And if I should event try to get to that point.

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