Friday, July 14, 2006


So, I'm waiting on Monday. I go today to get my 2nd blood draw. This sucks not knowing. If I'm going to miscarry, it would be good to at least know that and get it over with, instead of constantly switching from clinging to hope, then losing it all the next second. This is driving me crazy. In the literal sense. I cannot take much more. I keep picturing the doctor saying "Your hcg levels look great, and they are rising as they should." Then, of course, he would do an ultrasound, and viola! there's the fetus. But then, the next minute, I picture him saying "I'm sorry, but the levels are declining. This pregnancy is going to fail." I don't know which I should hope for. I don't want to think positively, then be punched in the stomach like last time. I think I am going to ask the lab person when the results from my last test will be ready, and when these will be ready. I think I have an idea of what they should be, and if I can cut down on the waiting, that would help a lot. I just can't stand not knowing. A part of me has already given up. And a part of me is so angry that I can't deal with anyone right now. It takes a major amount of strength just to smile and act as if I don't want to strangle the person on the other side of my desk.

Of course, after the NP told me the pregnancy wasn't good, and sent me down for lab work, a woman with a newborn baby comes up right behind me. It took everything I had not to burst into tears right there, but I did once I got into the lab. Luckily, a box of kleenex was right there. Right now, I feel that if this pregnancy fails, I don't want to try again. I don't think I can go through this anymore. I know this happens to everyone, but right now I feel completely alone and VERY pissed off. I would swear my boobs are less sore, and I'm not going to the bathroom as often, but the symptoms didn't start until a day or two after my positive pg test, they haven't lasted any longer, so it makes me believe there is definitely a chance that I have NOT been pregnant for 11 weeks. I guess I'll have to wait until Monday to know for sure.

And, of course, two people we barely know (I've met them once) have asked if they can stay with us this weekend, on their way up to Breckenridge. At the time, I didn't mind, but now it just feels like a HUGE invasion of our privacy. I don't know how I'm going to work on Monday, just waiting and waiting... I may have to call in sick, and try to work from home.
Now, I'm going to try to get to work, and focus on something else, if I can.

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