Thursday, July 13, 2006

Bad news

Well, we went to the appointment yesterday, I told her about my LMP being 4/26, but negative test on 6/11, etc. She said "well, we'll start with your LMP and go from there." She then gave me an exam, and then started the intravaginal ultrasound. My bladder was too full, so we had to stop, then I went to the bathroom and came back. At that point, I was kind of wondering if something wasn't right, but tried to put my mind at ease. She started again, and turned the machine around, and said , "there is the yolk sac, but I don't see anything else. I don't think this is a good pregnancy." For a second, I thought I was having a bad dream. We both just kind of said "okay". A minute later, she showed us the printed picture, and it dated me at 4.5 weeks pregnant, rather than the 10 weeks based on LMP. She showed it to us and said, "this doesn't look like it should." AT that point, I was completely emotionally gone. I asked what would happen now, and she explained that they could induce a miscarriage, and everything that was involved in that process. Then, she asked me again when my last negative pregnancy test was done, I told her Jun 11, my positive was July 1. I didn't do any in between. She starts turning a wheel, and writing things down, and says, "Why don't we check your hcg levels, just in case?" So I had blood drawn, and then I go back tomorrow, and then on Monday, they can tell me if they are rising as they should, or if they are not, and I need to terminate the pregnancy, because it isn't viable.

My husband is the most incredible man out there. He was incredibly supportive, we both cried, and he was so careful to make sure I knew that I didn't cause this. After I called my Mom, got home, and quit crying, I went upstairs and did a search on the Internet. At 4.5 weeks, all you should see is a yolk sac. You shouldn't see anything else until 5 or 5.5 weeks, maybe 6. I think what she was concerned about is that if I am truly 10 weeks pregnant, that the pregnancy did not proceed past 4.5 weeks, and a miscarriage is impending. But I think that 4.5 weeks (gestational age) is entirely possible, given my negative test on 6/11. I guess I can't do anything but wait and see, but I sure don't feel like working right now. I don't feel like having to be nice to people. And I sure don't care if my deadline gets met or not.

I dreamed last night I had a miscarriage. It was so real when I woke up I thought it had actually happened for a second. I was having cramps, but I do have them a lot, woke up, walked it off, and went back to sleep. I'm having some now, as well. I'm trying so hard to keep from going from optimism to pessism, but it is hard. I guess Monday will get here eventually. I just have to prepare myself for the news that my pregnancy is not progressing. It is amazing that something I've known about for a week and a half has so much impact on me. I had started to replan my whole life. I guess I'll know better than to do that again, won't I?

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