Thursday, July 20, 2006

Don't Think About Elephants

You know how if someone says "Don't think about elephants?" You HAVE to, at least for a millisecond, think about elephants. I'm more or less doing this on a second by second basis. Don't think about whether you'll miscarry. I think about it. Next Second-- same thing. You get the picture.

I would swear my boobs aren't as tender, and that makes me nervous. It could be that I'm just getting used to it, but then again... sigh. We go for another ultrasound on Monday, the 24th. I wake up every day, counting down how many more days. I pray that everything is going great. Of course, if it is, then I have to wait a month until I see him again, but I would like to have that opportunity. I have noticed an incredible fatigue this week, more so than I've had in the past. I'm hoping that is a good sign, that my body is working very hard to build this human. I hate to admit that I do, from time to time, think of the Bob the Builder motto: "Can I build it? Yes I can!" (Yes, I changed the "we" to "I", for obvious reasons). I have hidden my pregnancy book, and haven't looked at the ultrasound picture since Tuesday. I won't, until/unless I have another healthy one to go with it. Even then, I'm not going to allow myself to get too attached, which is sad. I wish I could be confident that everything is going to go perfectly, and in 8 months I'll have a perfect baby. But, for some reason, I just can't buy into that. Not after that first appointment.

I've wondered if I'll ever reach a point in this where I'll feel a little more relaxed. And I really don't know if I will. I keep thinking that if I can make it to 12 weeks, I'll feel a bit better. Of course, that is when all of the deformity testing is done, which will bring on a whole set of new worries. I just hope we get the chance to worry about them,if this pregnancy makes it that long.

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