Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A Small, Probably Temporary, Miracle

So, I go to the appointment yesterday. I managed not to cry much before we went. We didn't even talk about it on the drive there. We just laughed at stupid stuff, talked about going to Dairy Queen after the appointment, just normal stuff.

So, we get there, I check in, and the nurse comes to get us. We go to the SAME examination room. Really, at this point, we have both faced reality and realize what has to happen. The nurse asks me what's going on, I tell her the story. I change and we wait for the doctor.

The doctor comes in, and the first thing he says is, "I wish I could say I'm excited about your numbers, but I'm not". I replied by saying yes, I knew they weren't good. He talked to us about our miscarriage options, and I begin to tear up a bit, but I managed to stay away from full on sobbing. He told me I was holding up well, under the circumstances. I told him it was just because all of my fluids had been cried out over the weekend. We told him we wanted to try the medication induced miscarriage (at home), and he offered to do it that day. I told him I'd have to wait until the weekend. He said okay, and he wanted to do one more sonogram just to confirm the numbers.

I assumed the position, and he moved the monitor over so we could see it. I didn't even lift my head, I didn't want to see it. And then, probably not 30 seconds into it, he says, "I have to take back everything I just said." Me: "Why?" Him:"There's the heartbeat." My head popped up. What? Last week there was nothing. He showed us all around my uterus, measured the embryo, said I was 6 weeks, 1 day along. He was quite surprised as well. "What about my numbers?" I asked. He said he wasn't concerned at this point, that after the fetal heartbeat is detected, they go by the ultrasound, not the numbers.

The last person that saw me, a Nurse Practitioner, evidently paid no attention to me when I said I took a pg test on 6/11 and it was negative. She was thinking I was 11 weeks instead of 5. I wonder how many years she took off of our lives. At this point I don't care, since, at least today, the embryo is alive and well. I have another appointment on Monday 7/24 for another ultrasound. I pray that that little heart is still beating, and at a normal rate. Unfortunately, as the doctor said, really at this point there is nothing anyone can do, if it is going to miscarry, it will. If it isn't, it won't.

So, while I am wildly surprised and overjoyed at this, we are both trying desperately to hold on to our guard. We want to expect devastating news at each appointment. The last one was so awful because we weren't expecting it. But, for just a few moments, we let ourselves be happy. And we did go to the Dairy Queen afterwards.

I am trying to just relax and realize that whatever happens, happens. I have absolutely no control over it.

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