Monday, July 17, 2006

hCG blues

Well, I called to get the results of the test on Saturday morning. Not very good. Went from 7527 to 8832, only about 1200 up, it should've been like 3500 up. So, I have an appointment today, probably to talk about my "options". That means to discuss the various ways to abort a dead not-even-an-embryo. It is amazing how such joy can turn into such amazing, sharp, desperate, hideous pain. My husband lost his Dad when he was 9, his mother died probably 13 years ago. He has dealt with a lot in his life. I feel so immensely guilty for adding one more horrible event to it. He keeps saying he wanted this too, but I know that if I had not brought this whole stupid thing up, we would've just bumped along without going through this hell.

I did tell my boss this morning about what is going on, why I'm having to go to the doctor twice a week, etc. Although, after today, I bet that stops. Just one more appointment after that, to get it out of my body. What a fucking disappointment. I am so, so angry right now. And I generally don't get the long term, smoldering anger, usually I'm the explosive, done and over type. But this time, I am bitter. I really want to punch every pregnant woman I see. If I hear one more person tell me how many people have miscarriages, and how "I can try again". I'm going to explode. I have almost successfully convinced myself that I really don't want a child anyway, it would be a huge burden, and an incredible pull on my time. Life was good the way it was before... before this hellish nightmare began. I was able to stay somewhat upbeat for 8 months while we tried.... but I'm out of upbeat. All that is left is despair, and bitter, bitter anger.

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